Saving American Lives? Not in my Name!

A surprised interviewer got a glimpse at the face of true evil last week when Vice peeResident SElect Dick "Torquemada" Cheney, whose daughter is a lesbian, boasted that he would dunk a terrorist in water if it would save "American lives" of all things.

American lives? I cannot place enough exclamation points at the end of this sentence to adequately express my outrage!!!!!!!

Put aside for a moment that fact that American lives are not Cheney's to save; but are they even worth saving?  Does a society that would sanction the dunking of an innocent terrorist for the sake of self-preservation even deserve to exist?

As a patriotic liberal who spent the weekend vainly hoping his underwear would dry through his pants, I couldn't live with myself knowing that somewhere out there someone was going through the same unspeakable torture just to protect the lives of people who are vastly inferior to me. I encourage other progressives who feel the same way to join their shrill voices with mine and demand that that no more terrorists are dunked, doused, drenched, or moistened in our names.  The lives of the American people are simply not worth it.

The Lion Roars at Last

The lion in the jungle makes every other animal sit up and take notice as soon as he lets out a roar. He didn't get that way through artificial paraphernalia or through springs and wires and trick dumbells. He became the king of the jungle through constant natural use of every muscle in his body.
- Charles Atlas

Liberal Democrats are a peaceful people, highly intelligent yet slow to anger even when provoked by the infuriating stupidity of your average American. But confront us with annoying questions that your feeble minds can’t even begin to comprehend the answers to, and you will hear us roar like lions, drowning out all else.

After six years of politely staying out of the spotlight, the camera-shy Bill Clinton has finally had his fill of brainless conservative morons who take nothing he says at face value. No longer will he sit idly by while minions of the Right-Wing Propaganda Machine ask him to explain what the hell he did for the whole 8 years he was in office. His royal dressing-down of that Faux News Nazi is just a taste of what’s in store for those who would use his record as president to cloud his legacy

Don’t let his name fool you. ChriSHitler Wallace is not a fair and balanced journalist like his father. As evident by his failure to sit on Bill Clinton’s lap and make little cooing sounds whenever he spoke, Wallace is little more than a right-wing hack. But to even suggest that the former president somehow allowed the man responsible for the 9/11 attacks to slip from his grasp is the height of insanity.

Had he any inking that Bush was going to fly planes into those buildings just to launch an illegal and immoral war for oil so he could line the pockets of his Halliburton buddies, Clinton would have done everything in his power to stop him. Perhaps his only mistake was that he was too busy trying to get Osama Bin Laden to worry about what the alcoholic Governor of Texas was doing. In fact, he was in the process of scrounging up enough loose change from under his sofa cushions to launch a CIA and FBI investigation into whether OBL was a bad guy, with hsi full support and cooperation as long as the agencies didn’t communicate with one another, eavesdrop on any terrorists, or interrupt any of his blow jobs. In fact, it was a top priority on his to-do-list, right after signing a few hundred last-minute, legacy-sealing executive orders, and then a pile of pardons for coke dealers and campaign contributors.

So the old Right-Wing canard that Democrats are soft on national defense won’t float this election year. Bill Clinton and his entire cabinet took the terrorist threat very seriously, and Sandy Berger’s trousers are stuffed full of documents to prove it. The poor man has paper cuts on his testicles that will never heal.

As do we all.

9/11 Was an Inside Job

The raccoon’s disgusting, bloated carcass made a wheezing sound as I poked it with the stick. I watched as it floated across the brackish water and came to a rest between Rachel Corrie’s concrete thighs.

It'd been a long, emotional week full of heartache and sorrow at Evergreen State College, and now there was a dead raccoon floating in our 9/11 Reflection Pond. Students erected the tiny pool shortly after the “attacks” to honor those who lost their lives as a result of Bush’s pro-Israel policies. Little did they know that Bush would use it as roadkill receptacle. I suppose it was his twisted way of warning me that I was getting too close to the truth about what really happened on 9/11.

Everyone knows it was an inside job. But I've only recently come to understand how deeply inside it really is. Let's take a quick look at some of the facts:

1. The Pentagon. Charlie Sheen and other members of the Brat Pack have already concluded that the lack of any debris or human remains at the crash site proves it was not a commercial aircraft that hit the Pentagon. That means everyone aboard doomed American Airlines Flight 77 – the pilot, the crew, and the passengers - never died in that crash. So where are they? Who knows? Perhaps they’re all relaxing on a beach in Tahiti, enjoying the millions they were awarded in insurance money for their staged deaths.

2. United 93. It’s a known fact that cell phones will not work on commercial aircraft due to a magical forcefield that surrounds the entire hull. Yet the families of those who “died” on United Airlines Flight 93 claim to have received phone calls from their loved ones in the moments leading up to the crash. One must therefore conclude that either the families are lying about the calls, or the calls were never made from that plane. In either case, both the passengers and their families had to have been in on it. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re all at the beach with the Flight 77 jokers, having a good laugh on all of us.

3. The World Trade Center. Anyone who has ever seen two skyscrapers hit by planes knows that they don’t pancake in on themselves in a controlled manner. For the towers to come down the way they did, hundreds of implosion engineers would need to spend days, maybe even weeks placing explosives in strategic locations on numerous floors. They’d have to drill holes in the concrete, saw through steel beams, and run a network of wires throughout the entire building. Such a massive project would be next to impossible to perform without being noticed by the thousands of people who worked in the towers every day. So the only explanation is that they were all in on it. Everyone who died in the towers, everyone who survived, every firefighter and every cop who rushed into the burning buildings to “rescue” people - they were all in on it. The passengers on the planes, the pilots, the crew, and the cab drivers that took them to airport were in on it. The people at the ticket counter were in on it. The guys who loaded the luggage onto the fictional planes were in on it. Those dudes who vacuum the carpet and put new barf bags in the seat pockets before you board, and even the food service people were all in on it. The air traffic controllers who tracked the hijacked aircraft were also in on it. Everyone on the ground who claimed to see the planes hit the building, and every TV cameraman who faked footage of the “attack” were in on it, too.

Obviously, the 9/11 conspiracy is of a grander scale than any of us could have possibly imagined. Thousands, if not millions of people had to be in cahoots with Bush in order to pull the whole thing off. In fact, odds are that you’re all in on it as well.

But I’m on to you.

Racial Profiling Again, Shrub?

The Worlds Greatest Terrorists have been busy the past few days. Two Muslims were nabbed in Ohio last Tuesday for the terrible crime of possessing too many cell phones. Six Egyptian Muslims were arrested and five more are being hunted down after failing to show up at the University of Montana. Excuse me, but if not going to college makes you a criminal, then the entire GOP should be behind bars.

Then just yesterday, the entire Islamabad Philharmonic Orchestra was rounded up in Great Britain for attempting to board a plane with a bottle of Snapple. So Rummy gets a parcel of new innocents to torture, in addition to the millions of innocent Muslims Bush and Blair have already murdered in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Meanwhile, as the Shrub and his lapdog are patting themselves on their backs, thousands of non-Muslims are waltzing through airport security unmolested.

People like this suspicious character:

Oh my Goddess! It’s a TERRORIST! Get her Bush! GET HER!!!!

What’s the matter, Shrub? Her skin isn’t dark enough for you?


No? Doesn’t fit into your stereotypical age group, eh?

How about this guy:

Holy crap, he's BLACK! And he's twenty-two in dog years! And he's on his way to a mosque!

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times, and I will say it once more for the hearing impaired: RACIAL PROFILING DOES NOT WORK. Anyone with half a brain and a progressive blog knows that racial profiling restricts the field of suspects down to far too narrow a sample of the population and encourages laziness among investigators.

Besides, in a free, colorblind society, a radical Muslim male attempting to board a commercial aircraft is just a tourist until he starts slashing throats, and then he must be considered innocent until proven guilty. But as it’s been made abundantly clear by yesterday's events, that “free society” we once lived in no longer exists.

This One Might Be Faked, Too

By the way, the neocon fascists at The Jawa Report are having more fun than Ann Coulter at a Klan Rally.

Emotionally Troubled Seattle Man Has a Bad Day

Family Values. Marriage. Democracy. These are all words that the right-wing Language Nazis have stolen from us, perverting their meanings to serve their own twisted political agendas. Their disgusting reaction to what happened in Seattle last Friday is no exception.

A Muslim male of Middle Eastern descent stormed into the local headquarters of the Jewish Federation and opened fire, killing one woman and injuring five others. The neo-cons have already branded it an act of “domestic terrorism”, although not one single abortionist was harmed. Not a more blatant and transparent ploy to provide justification for Bush’s illegal and immoral War on Terror could there possibly be.

Obviously, the poor man responsible was emotionally troubled, and therefore not entirely responsible at all. After all, who in their right mind would do such a thing? Indeed, friends and relatives of the shooter agree that he had a “bad case of the Mondays” ever since he dropped out of dental school. The crimes of mentally ill individuals, as reprehensible as they may seem, are technically not “crimes”, let alone acts of “terrorism”. These people who must be helped, not stigmatized.

It’s much more complicated than conservatives can grasp with their puny reptilian brains. But try as they may, the Bushies can’t simplify this thing into terms of black & white, right & wrong, good & evil. Like gang warfare or drowning your five children in a bathtub, there are no “bad guys” involved in last Friday's tragedy. Only victims.

Is Bin Laden Turning Into a Religious Fanatic?

I’ll admit I didn’t like Osama Bin Laden at first. The whole 9/11 thing left me little reason to. Of course Bush was completely responsible, but it would be the height of insanity to deny that Bin Laden was somehow involved. At the very least, he knew of Bush’s plans yet did nothing, allowing the Shrub’s carefully planned Reichstag Fire to draw the nation’s focus away from more important matters, like affordable heath care for gay seniors. However, my disgust for Bin Laden’s participation in Bush's twisted crime lasted about three seconds longer than Michael Moore’s did. Anger gave way to reason, reason to understanding, understanding to sympathy, and sympathy to limp-wristed acquiescence. By 9/12 I had realized a sort of philosophical fellowship with this modern day Ché Guevara and his romantic struggle against imperialist U.S. aggression. After all, anyone with such an intense hatred of Western Civilization can’t be all that bad. However, this newly released audio message may force me to rethink my capitulation.

It’s typical for any politician to inch a little towards the opposite side of the political spectrum around election time, but Osama’s hard swing to the right confounds me. His speech was rife with attacks on Bush’s illegal and immoral war for oil, and he had a few choice words for the wanton slaughter of innocents by bloodthirsty U.S. troops (although Jack Murtha beat him to the draw on that one). Bin Laden mocked Bush’s sinking approval numbers, then demanded he close his Gitmo gulag, remove all U.S. troops from the Muslim Holy Land, and then repeal his tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent of Americans. It was pretty much standard Democrat Party fare until Bin Laden went off the deep end and started yammering about God.

“Our Islamic nation was surprised to find its knight, the lion of jihad, the man of determination and will, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, killed in a shameful American raid," said the voice purportedly from Bin Laden.

Fine. Blatantly plagiarized from a Berkeley commencement address perhaps, but otherwise just peachy. But then he throws all rationale to the wind and concludes with this whopper:

"We hope to God he accepts him as a martyr."

Whoa…where did that come from? I understand that he’s just trying to woo the red state evangelicals, but all this God talk is liable to alienate his liberal base.

The Democrat Party is fairly open-minded about who it accepts within its ranks. Perverts, cop killers, Arkansas hillbilly rapists; there’s room enough in Big Tent for everyone who thinks like we do. We even encourage a certain amount of religious faith as long as it is 100% insincere and tempered with a progressive attitude towards sodomy. But every time Mr. Bin Laden mentions God in a public forum, he chips away at the Wall Between Church and State – a wall constructed to protect him from religious fanatics like George Bush. OBL needs to remember that if he’s ever to win the hearts and minds of the few remaining liberals that don’t already see him as a kindred spirit.

Was Zarqawi Kept on Ice at this Dairy Queen?

DqWord is that Operation: Defrost Al Qaeda!, an amalgamation of members from Operation: Cease Fire, Operation: Homecoming, Operation: End the War in Iraq, Operation: Democracy NOW!, Operation: Screeeeech!, and Operation: The Game of Life, is very close to announcing the discovery of what may be the last known residence of Abu Musab Al Zarqawi, the supposed Jordanian terrorist whose recent demise was conveniently timed to divert attention away from Congressman Pete Stark. Deep in the back room of a Baghdad area Dairy Queen, a commercial freezer may hold clues to how Zarqawi actually spent his final few moments in this world, hours before his twitching, partially-thawed body was pulled from the rubble of a demolished safe house.

According to Operation: Defrost Al Qaeda!, Zarqawi was held prisoner at this Dairy Queen for months, tucked safely away in the restaurant’s freezer until his death would be most politically beneficial to the Bush junta. As he shivered in the icy darkness, he probably kept company with the likes of Osama Bin Laden, whose pre-election “capture” had to be postponed when our own Rep. Jim McDermott got wise to the scheme. The freezer is quite possibly also home to Jimmy Hoffa, Amelia Earhart, and the Lindbergh Baby, all long dead but held on ice until the time is right for Bush to “discover” them. There’s little doubt that this is where Saddam’s sons, Scooby and Scrappy Hussein, met their true fate as well; huddled together amongst boxes of Blizzards and other frozen ice cream treats until they could be “killed” by U.S. troops in a staged “firefight” conveniently timed as the Abu Ghraib atrocities were coming to light. Nick Berg was certainly here, too, if only briefly, before Karl Rove sawed his head off while disguised as Al Zarqawi.

Thus far, demands to search the restaurant and crack open its icy vault have been met with angry refusals by the belligerent manager, who brandished a scimitar and threatened to chop off Michael Moore’s genitals if he did not remove his lips from the milkshake machine and leave the premises immediately. Obviously, he has something to hide. The fast-food chain’s complicity in the cover-up cannot be ignored either. I encourage all my readers, as patriotic progressive Americans who care about the truth, to march down to your nearest Dairy Queen and demand they release any terrorists leaders they are holding in their freezer, and immediately implement a more vegetarian-friendly menu. Enough people have died because of Bush's lies. There's no reason for innocent cows to suffer as well.

What Part of "Safe House" Doesn't Bush Understand?

In an act eerily reminiscent of the infamous “shock and awe” campaign that marked the beginning of Bush’s illegal and immoral war, two laser-guided bombs fell from the Iraqi sky yesterday, shattering the morning calm and killing 12 innocent civilians as they slept peacefully in their beds. By pure chance, one of them just happened to be Abu Musab Al Zarqawi, the former Jordanian journalist blamed for numerous “terrorist attacks” around Iraq. Zarqawi was using the home as a “safe house”, a place where he could relax away from the probing eyes and eavesdropping ears of an administration determined to infringe upon his constitutional Right to Privacy. After years on the run from the Great Satan, at last he could spend a little quality time with his wife and kids, toss a couple burgers on the barbie, and share a few brewskis with his buddies while sawing heads off an infidel or two. After all, that's what "safe houses" are for. But instead of a little R & R with his friends and family, Big Al got 1000 lbs of TNT dropped right onto his Nike high-tops.

It's hard to be surprised anymore by Bush's endless stream of atrocities. But how far have we sank as a nation, how far has Bush dragged us down into the gutter, when we don't even recognize the concept of "sanctuary" anymore? I suppose the Shrub will drop a daisy-cutter on a home for battered wives next. Or perhaps nuke another orphanage.

In his maddening stupidity, Bush insists this will "turn the tide" in Iraq. If anything, Zarqawi's murder will only perpetuate the Giant Circle of Violence. I'm not entirely sure what that is, but I know it's very, very bad - very, very round - and Bush is completely to blame for it.


9/11 Video Doesn't Hold Water

The U.S. Justice Department released a video last week of what appears to be American Airlines Flight 77 crashing into the Pentagon on the morning of September 11, 2001.

Bush must take Charlie Sheen for an idiot.

The right-wing mind control machine may have pulled the wool over the eyes of the ignorant red state masses, but when it comes to the finer intricacies of aeronautical engineering and aviation crash physics, they’re on Big Chuck’s turf.

If there are two things Charlie Sheen knows, they are: 1) It’s not “kiddie porn” if the website says the babes are “barely legal”, and 2) a Boeing 757 doesn’t simply zip to the ground like a bullet and disintegrate on impact as if it had slammed into a reinforced concrete fortress at 400 mph. Anyone in the movie business will tell you that when a commercial aircraft crashes, it sort of glides down in slow motion, clips the guitar off the top of the Hard Rock Café, and then skids on its belly for about 13 blocks before screeching to a halt mere inches away from the edge of a cliff. Yet to this day, any photographs taken of the Pentagon crash site show very little debris, if any at all.

You’d think that if Bush was going to stage a phony plane crash convincing enough to fool everyone but our most brightest Hollywood stars, he’d at least toss a landing gear or a section of the fuselage out onto the lawn. But the Shrub got cocky and slipped up, and Charlie Sheen was all over him like Charlie Sheen on a barely legal call girl. Now, when a majority of celebrities believe Bush personally flew into the Pentagon with a pair of ACME bat wings and a giant firecracker strapped to his back, out comes this convenient video. But nobody’s buying it, least of all Charlie Sheen.

The video itself is of such poor quality that it wouldn’t even fool Emilio Estevez. The Pentagon can photograph me from outer space, yet they can’t put a camera in their parking lot capable of producing an image larger than three inches wide?

I’m afraid that until Bush provides Sheen with some better footage, or finally allows Molly Ringwald to analyze metallurgical data from all the supposed “debris” recovered at the “crash site”, the jury is still out on Bush's innocence, as well as the fate of Flight 77.

America's Children Paying the Price for Bush's Silly War on Terror

The nightly news is filled with reports of terrorist attacks, suicide bombings, and newly discovered mass graves filled with the bodies of innocent men, women, and children. Indeed, the right-wing media has gone to great lengths to give the Religion of Peace a bad rap, so that voters will turn to Republicans more out of fear than anything else. With so much negative imagery bombarding them at every turn, American children are liable to believe that every Muslim male who blows himself up in a deli is a bad guy as well.

Such clear cut lines between good & evil are unhealthy for developing progressive minds. It is important, therefore, that we instill our children with the ability to blur such lines for the sake of their own emotional well-being. Men like Zacarias Moussaoui aren't evil monsters, but simply misunderstood. Perhaps they are even victims themselves. Victims of poverty. Victims of imperialist U.S. agression. Victims of a fascist $5 cover charge at Azteca last Cinco De Mayo. Whatever gets you through the night. Given enough love, appeasement, capitulation, and the complete abandonment of Israel, these so-called "evildoers" might even accept us as their friends. After all, 60 million Frenchmen can't be wrong, and it would be the height of arrogance to believe otherwise.

That's why I had such high hopes for my ill-fated series of children's books. Along with his sidekick, Richie Hotfoot, Moussaoui Moose would encounter a colorful cast of characters on his many fun-filled adventures, each designed to teach kids that "terrorist" is a subjective and downright hurtful label to place on anyone. Studies show that thanks to Bush's economy, a growing majority of Americans are just one paycheck away from bankruptcy. Given the right set of circumstances, any of us could saw someone's head off while they're still alive and then post videos of it on the internet. It's not an Islam thing, and it doesn't make us monsters. It just makes us different. And isn't embracing our differences one of the most important things we can teach our kids?

Unfortunately, Bush and his Big Publishing Buddies put an end to The Adventures of Moussoaui Moose and the Religion of Peace Gang. But the conceptual sketches survived, and in lieu of posting anything of substance tonight I will present them to you now.

Free Zack!

I’ve followed the whole Zacarias Moussaoui circus trial with a certain amount of pompous skepticism. Okay, I haven't followed it all. Why should I? The right-wing media has already lynched the poor man, though I'll admit I’m not so sure of his guilt. If Moussaoui was in on the 9/11 attacks like Faux News insists, why hasn’t he implicated the Shrub? Surely, the court would grant him immunity should he simply spill the beans about Bush's conspiracy to stage an American version of the Reichstag Fire as justification for invading Iraq and stealing its oil. Instead, Moussaoui put his hand on the Bible and contradicted everything Charlie Sheen has told us about what really happened. Alas, I fear Moussaoui is little more than a patsy. Just as Lee Harvey Oswald and James Earl Ray took the fall for George H. W. Bush’s heinous crimes, so shall Zacarias Moussaoui pay for Junior's. He’ll pay for it with his freedom, just as we all have.

Suffice it to say, I received the news of the sentencing this morning with a mixture of both sorrow and joy. By denying Zacaraias Moussaoui his right to Die with Dignity and condemning him to a life behind bars, Bush unwittingly put the kibosh on a series of inspirational children’s books I was penning to justify Moussaoui’s pardon. On the other hand Moussaoui’s unjust imprisonment will give Mike Farrell a new lease on life, not to mention something new to put on a t-shirt.

With Tookie’s assassination, and the aging Leonard Peltier looking less like Ché Guevara with each passing day, the Hollywood community has been in desperate need of another psychopathic murderer whose freedom they could campaign for. Imprisoned within the walls of their palatial estates, the Beautiful People often find it difficult – if not completely impossible – to go out amongst the unwashed hordes without being swarmed by deranged fans. Championing the hopeless causes of our societal throwaways allows our beloved celebrities to be worshipped and adored within the relative safety of a federal penitentiary, while demonstrating to the world how much they actually care for the poor, oppressed, brown-skinned servants they treat like dirt on a daily basis. If Susan Sarandon can win the respect and gratitude of a multiple-murdering sociopath, it truly says a lot about who she is a person.

I hope Zacarias warms to his new role as Hollywood’s Incarcerated Darling, and looks forward to his conjugal visits from Danny Glover as much as Tookie did.

The Crucifixion of Zacarias Moussaoui

Startling testimony in the trial of Zacarias Moussaoui today as Margaret Chevrette, the manager of an Arizona flight school, explained to the court how a Middle-Eastern, Muslim male with known terrorist connections was able to waltz into this country and take flying lessons with absolutely no scrutiny from federal authorities. According to Chevrette, Hani Hanjour was admitted to the Jet Tech Pan Am International Flight School despite being terribly unqualified and unable to speak English, and during his time there he expressed little interest in learning how to actually take off or land an aircraft. Yet even though Chevrette notified the apathetic FAA of her suspicions on several occasions, Hanjour was allowed to proceed with his training unmolested.

Yes, those were truly America’s brighter and better days. It was a time when a young man with dark skin and crazy dreams of 78 virgins could come to this Great Melting Pot of ours without fear of being eavesdropped on by the government or racially profiled by bigoted Arizona flight instructors. Sadly, those days of innocence are lost – nay, stolen from us by a fascist Bush junta that uses the phony threat of terrorism to slowly chip away at our civil rights. We may live to see those days renewed, once President Hillary is sworn in. But as long as the usurper of the Oval Office is willing to hurt the feelings of one man for the sake of “national security”, we’ll see plenty more Zacarias Moussaouis on trial for their lives.

Rove's Sock Puppet Speaks

Al Gore’s speech Monday must have been a kick straight to Bush's non-airbrushed groin. Right on cue, exiled Saudi dissident Osama Bin Laden conveniently “resurfaced” today to draw the spotlight away from Bush’s felonious assault on our civil liberties. In a recorded statement aired by Al-Jazeera, the long time friend of the Bush family criticized the Chimp's hopeless quagmire in Iraq, and cited Bush’s sinking public opinion polls as a good reason to just pack it up and go home. He also accused Bush of invading Iraq purely to award lucrative defense contracts to his big Halliburton buddies, and ridiculed the his pathetic security measures to prevent another 9/11. Finally, Bin Laden offered an olive branch in the form of a truce, promising to rebuild Iraq and make Baghdad a “Baklava City” once again.

I guess we’re supposed to pretend we don’t notice how this clown's tirades are becoming almost indistinguishable from those of leading democrats. Indeed, his talking points could have been lifted straight from the DNC website. Tomorrow, Pillpopper Fatty Rushbo and all his little minions on the blogosphere will be bloviating about how this proves once and for all that liberals are philosophically akin to Al Qaeda.

But in his clumsy attempt to make anti-war progressives sound like a pack of raving moonbats who sympathize with terrorists, Karl Rove has unwittingly tipped his hand. If there actually was an “Osama Bin Laden” running around loose out there, why hasn’t he appeared to denounce this obvious fake? Wouldn’t it kind of tick him off that Bush is using him to score points against the very people who want to end the war and bring our murderous troops home? The media is so cowed by the Bush Reich that they’re afraid to point out this blaring contradiction.

Meanwhile, Cowboy George has issued his predictable tough guy response, hitching up his gun belt and refusing to even entertain Osama’s offer of a truce.

Why should he? Peace is so unprofitable.

Bush's Failed Iran Policy

Poor ol' Dumbya has tried everything to prevent Iran from manufacturing nuclear material - short of actually giving Iran nuclear material. So what's the stinking hold up, Shrub? John Kerry outlined the whole solution to this horrible mess back in the 2004 presidential debates, yet Bush ignored him. Now that the Diplomacy Pooch has been thoroughly screwed, Iran is dangerously close to building a nuclear weapon without our assistance or the loving guidance of France. In fact, chances are that Iran will have 10 to 20 nuclear weapons by the years end.

Can you really blame them, though?

Bush's unilateral aggression towards Iran's neighbors has left the tiny nation little choice but to take steps to defend itself. With a nuclear arsenal, they won't have to worry about U.S. troops goosestepping through Tehran, knocking over priceless statues and mishandling Qurans. Long deprived of a ruling voice in the International Community, a nuclear arsenal can be the ace card that will finally allow Iran to have a say in world affairs. If Bush wasn't so bent on global domination, he'd offer Iran a nuclear olive branch instead of threats and insults. With the thousands of nuclear weapons the U.S. has stockpiled, why not share a few with nations that aren't as fortunate?

As progressive as the idea sounds, our generosity would not come without a price. To insure that Iran's nuclear weapons would not fall into the hands of those who would use them against us, television cameras would be installed on each warhead. Live footage of the weapons would be displayed on the United Nations website 24 hours a day, combined with streaming video of hot Iranian co-eds shaving each others' backs. If any weapons are moved or launched, an alert U.N. could then quickly draft a resolution of condemnation, and provide Iran with updated mailing addresses for the bribes.

By giving Iran all the nukes it wants, we would have the advantage of being able to monitor and regulate the weapons even as they rain down on U.S. cities. President Clinton used a variation on the same theme with North Korea, and to great success. It's a shame that Bush's ego won't allow him to engage the Iranians and begin the Peace Process as Clinton did. In the end, only more innocent seals will lose their homes thanks to Bush's stubborn pride.

There is No Terrorist Threat!

I originally intended to use today's blog entry to express my solidarity with the people of Great Britain, many of whom never even voted for George Bush, as they endeavor to persevere under the constant threat of terrorist attacks. But then I remembered what the esteemed statesman Michael Moore once wrote:

"There is no terrorist threat.
You need to calm down, relax, listen very carefully, and repeat after me:
There is no terrorist threat.
There is no terrorist threat!
There... is... no... terrorist... threat!"

Boy, did I feel like an utter berk! And I am confident that if the people of London just buy Mr. Moore's book, they will as well.

So a bus exploded. So a couple of Subway cars blew up. Whoop-dee-doo! I once saw Siegfried & Roy slice a woman into six pieces and then put her back together again. It's all smoke & mirrors, folks! SMOKE AND MIRRORS! The whole "terrorist threat" is nothing but an elaborate illusion devised to incite fear and justify Bush's illegal and immoral War on Terror.

Siegfried & Roy ought to be ashamed of themselves.

Exploding Bus Kills Muslim Male

Interesting post from the Confederate Nazi today. It appears that the double-decker bus that exploded in London yesterday may have had a Muslim male on board. The Confderate Nazi, of course, uses the word "terrorist", but we all know what he really means. We witness the same bigoted practice of racial profiling every time a bus explodes in Israel and they automatically blame it on the Palestinians. "Ooh, it was the Palestinians! The Palestinians! Let's park a bulldozer on top of Rachel Corrie!"

Why is it always the Muslims who get fingered? Why not the Swedish Rotarians? Why not the Mormon Tabernacle Choir? There were probably more non-Muslims than Muslims on that London tour bus. By the laws of probability, the culprit was most likely an obnoxious American tourist.

Like Bush.

By the same laws of probability, the chances that a random bus will spontaneously explode for no reason are slim to none. Yet 9 out of every 10 exploding buses has had at least one heavily-clothed, extremely sweaty, Middle-Eastern Muslim male on board. Which raises the question - Why is Bush targeting young muslim bus passengers for extermination? Is this part of his unholy crusade against the Religion of Peace? Is he trying to disrupt the G8 summit so he can duck his responsibility for global warming - a phenomenon that has spawned a monster hurricane which is at this moment slamming into Bush's Guantanamo Gulag, washing away all evidence of his crimes against the Holy Quran? Or were his attacks meant to convince naysayers of the existence of Osama Bin Laden, revealed in the shocking Sesame Street Memo to actually be a hi-tech muppet the Shrub whips out for videos before every election? And who put that cast iron pig beside my bed so I'd kick it and break my toe when I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night?

Heyyyy...Was Karl Rove Talking About Us?

Five bucks says he eats it

Like many progressives, I took KKKarl "The ArKKKitect" RWRove’s tirade against spineless cowards who would sell out their country for two cents and Mars Bar personally. How dare he judge us? Since 9/11, it has been the Democrats, not the republicans who have fought to bring Bush to justice. It has been the Democrats, not the republicans who seized the opportunity to turn the horrible tragedy into something positive by funelling taxpayer money into the labor unions – and thus, into the democrat party where it can do some good. It has been the Democrats, not the reichpublicans who have worked diligently to keep our nation, peeResident, and murderous troops humble, so that they won’t be prone to the arrogant displays of national pride that so irritate the International Community. While the democrats have sought to bring us closer together in a united war against Bush, the Republicans have used fear tactics and church bake sales to divide us all. Sadly, as we’ve seen with Rove’s outrageously divisive remarks and the right-wing’s persecution of Dick “Richard” Durbin, America is more divided than ever - and I'm afraid that the nuturing love of a President Hillary might not be enough to fix it.

It wasn’t always this way. In the wake of the so-called "terrorist attacks", America was united in their grief for the thousands who died without dignity. But for some, the grief didn’t make the natural transition into guilt and shame for what American imperialism has done to stoke the fires of hatred in the Middle East. Rather, a fascist furvor of unbridled jingoism swept the land. Soldiers were lionized. Liberals were demonized. France was mocked and ridiculed. “Bush = Hitler” saturday morning cartoons were banned from the airwaves. As progressives watched in horror, the red staters took to flying their flags, singing “God Bless America”, and fawning over the military. It was a slap in the face of all those who despise God, America, and the military - yet kept their yaps shut about it until well into 9/12 for the sake of national unity.

Even more tragic than the attacks themselves was Bush's insistance on playing "War PeeResident". The sheer brutality of the attacks should have awakened Bush to the necessity for socialized medicine, same-sex marriage, stem cell research, and the repeal of his tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent of Americans. Instead, he used the events of 9/11 to embark on a Holy Crusade to kill Muslims, peek at their library records and, in some cases, mishandle their Qurans. Almost overnight, military spending was out of countrol and vital social programs withered on the vine. Suddenly, we were stuck in a quagmire, and the whole world hated us. Bush doesn't have the balls to set a timetable to tuc tail and run, but Rove has the temerity to call liberals hand-wringing cowards!

Democrats are NOT afraid to fight, Mr. Rove, and I am sick and tired of neocons constantly claiming otherwise. While Max Cleland was giving five limbs for his country on the battlefields of Vietnam, Rush Limbaugh was hiding behind his anal cysts. So we progressives know a thing or two about the horrors of war. That’s why we’re reluctant to send our toddlers into harm’s way, fighting an illegal war without body armor, sensitivity training, or the legitimacy of a baby blue helmet. As the death count rises, our glee that Bush is losing this silly war becomes increasingly difficult to conceal with phony grief for every boy that comes home in a box just so Bush can line the pockets of his rich oil buddies. So I’ll be damned if I’ll let some chickenhawk call me an anti-American, freedom-fighter-appeasing, troop-hating collaborator, do you hear me, Rove?

Bush's FBI Screws the Pooch

According to a high-level report, the FBI missed or blew off several key opportunities to apprehend those responsible for the 9/11 attacks. Remarkable, when you consider that Bush spent the first nine months off his peeResidency playing fetch with Fido out at Crawford. They could have easily picked him up at any time, probably already liquored up like a 12-year old at the Neverland Ranch. A couple hours under the hot lamps, and Bush would have sang like a bird concerning the whereabouts of one Richard Halliburton Cheney's secret, undisclosed hideout. After loading The Sneer into the paddy wagon, they could have swung by the local gay bar and pried Karl Rove loose from the shirtless Guatemalan rent boy he was dancing the Lambada with. In one fell swoop, Bush's plans for world conquest would have been thwarted, and 3000 innocent people would be alive today. That is, provided they didn't manage to die anyway.

The FBI has had great success nabbing religious lunatics holed up on Texas compounds, give or take a few charred babies. Yet they turned a blind eye as the Shrub fulfilled his lifelong dream to read a story about a pet goat while New York burned, ruin the Dixie Chicks and Bill Maher, and then launch an illegal and unsanctioned-by-France war to steal Iraq's oil.

It's all right there in the Downing Street Memo, folks. Written in Bush's own hand and inked with the blood of a murdered Abu Ghraib detainee, the Downing Street Memo is a Stunning Revelation that the Shrub's reckless, ill-planned Rush to War with Iraq was carefully planned months in advance, perhaps as far back as his childhood. Of all the Stunning Revelation memos that keep surfacing, this is the one Stunning Revelation that can bring Bush down and finally free the International Community from his arrogant Swagger of Terror. But no matter how often I bring it up in normal conversation, or sneak up behind people and scream "DOWNING STREET MEMO! DOWNING STREET MEMO!" in a high-pitched feminine screech, no one wants to talk about it. They'd rather flap their sheeple gums over the Michael Jackson witch trial - and I hold the media responsible for allowing Hollywood sensationalism to briefly distract them from their job of compulsively badmouthing the peeResident.

Hopefully, journalist Sean Penn will come home from his fact-finding mission in Iran and restore some balance and integrity to the profession.

Bush Let OBL Escape...or Did He?

"We don't know to this day whether Mr. bin Laden was at Tora Bora in December 2001."
- Gen. Tommy "American Weenie" Franks, October 19, 2001

" was not at all certain that bin Laden was in Tora Bora. He might have been there or in Pakistan or even Kashmir."
- Dick "Halliburton" Cheney, October 26, 2004

"That's what Tommy Franks, who knew what he's talking about, said,"
- The Shrub, October 27, 2004

Such was the litany of lies we heard from the Bush junta in the days leading up to the 2004 election. But now, their lies are coming back to haunt them. One of Bin Laden's former commanders is speaking out from his cell at Camp X-Ray, and his story totally contradicts everything Bush's Cabal of Bastards has told us. According to the chilling testimony of this reliable eyewitness, Bush allowed Osama Bin Laden to slip through his fingers at Tora Bora in December of 2001 - and Americans are infidels who must be gutted like pigs and fed their own entrails.

So it appears that John Kerry was right all along. How could he not be? He has nine Purple Hearts, and an almost superhuman sense of 20/20 hindsight. Bush, however, lacked the leadership to order our troops to march blindly into an irradiated meat grinder on a handful of flimsy rumors, choosing instead to let Afghanis familiar with the Tora Bora area conduct the search. Whether it was Bush's phobia of the democrats getting any political juice from the unnecessary deaths of American troops, or his inability to appreciate John Kerry's mystical powers of retroprognostication, the fact remains that the world's most dangerous terrorist leader (next to the one in the White House) is still at large.

Or is he?

I'm skeptical. The eyewitness is a high-ranking Al-Qaida member who hates America and everything he stands for, but that doesn't necessarily mean he's telling the truth. And I don't buy this little "leak" of theirs at all. The Bush administration is notorious for its secrecy. Nothing "leaks" from the White House unless it benefits the pee-Resident or crushes those who defy him. In a time when Sandy Berger is cruelly forced to smuggle classified documents ouit of the National Archives his trousers, I find it hard to believe that the Pentagon would simply post the truth on its website.

Perhaps Bush wants us to think Bin Laden escaped Tora Bora, when in fact he was never there to begin with. Perhaps Bin Laden, if he even existed, is living it up out at Crawford, enjoying the finest hospitalities the Bushes have to offer their longtime family friend who is making them filthy stinking rich. Perhaps we should spend less time interrogating Gitmo detainees as to what so-called "terrorists" are planning, and instead ask them what dirty little schemes Bush is cooking up.

Bush Using Sinister New Technique to Torture Gitmo Prisoners

"The attractive woman strutted into the room wearing a revealing miniskirt, a bra, and a skimpy thong. The man was tied to a chair and helpless to defend himself. As she removed her bra and tossed it at him, he closed his eyes and began to pray. She touched her breasts, rubbing them against the man's back, commenting on his apparent erection. He lurched forward and cursed at her. With a smile, she pulled down her thong and sat on his lap, grinding her exposed behind against his crotch. The man screamed and began to cry like a baby."

Such was the scene at my brother's bachelor party last year. I still bear the emotional scars, still wake up in pools of sweat from the horrible nightmares. Still have the bra hanging from my ear. So I can understand the psychological torment the detainees at Gitmo must have went through according to an upcoming book by a former Army officer stationed inside the prison.

Apparently, the military has been using civilian contractors from Deja Vu to torture prisoners with lapdances and wet t-shirt contests. The Muslim religion strictly forbids a man to gaze upon the skin of a woman other than his wife, and he must undergo a strict purification ritual prior to flying a plane into a building and killing 3000 infidels. Just one slip up, one little peek at a tempting ta-ta, and you'll be lucky to get a friendly sheep let alone 75 horny virgins in the afterlife. So it's no wonder that the 9/11 hijackers spent so much time at Vegas strip clubs. They were trying to prepare themselves for such horrors should they be captured.

Thankfully, Amnesty International and democrat leaders are nipping this thing in the butt. Both Bill Clinton and Ted Kennedy have already volunteered to personally travel to Camp X-Ray and witness these grisly interrogation techniques first hand. It's a tough job, but if they can prevent any more innocent Muslims from being tormented by hot babes, or hot babes from being exploited by the Pentagon, it's a sacrifice both patriots are willing to perform for their country.

9/11 Widows to Helm New National Intelligence Agency


If the attacks of September 11 taught us anything, it's that we can no longer rely on Cold War methods to fight a 21st century war. We must bring all our military and civilian intelligence agencies under one roof in order to meet the challenges we face in today's world. So isn't about time we cut the crap and appoint the beloved 9/11 Widows to direct a new national intelligence agency?

There shouldn't be any doubts concerning their qualifications, as having loved ones who died in the World Trade Center automatically makes them experts in counterterrorism. All the widows have been photographed extensively holding copies of the 9/11 Commission Report, so I'm sure they're more than qualified to make major policy decisions concerning national security. They'll also bring accountability to the new department, demanding teary-eyed apologies and group hugs from anyone who doesn't tow the line. To insure better communication between all the intelligence entities, the widows will establish a new counterterrorism center on the set of Good Morning America, where they will appear regularly clutching 8x10 photos of their dead husbands. Most importantly, the nation's borders will be secured with the hiring of 10,000 new immigration agents, each partnered with a life-sized cardboard cutout of a 9/11 widow's' dead husband.

"I think Jimmy would approve," said Mary White of Grand Rapids, Michigan, who lost her first husband, Jim Douglas, in the World Trade Center. "He'd also approve of my new book, Life Without Jimmy; A Portrait of Grief, available at or you local bookstore."

I expect that we're just hours away from an official announcement, but it's strictly a formality. Kristen Breitwieser (whose husband died in the World Trade Center) dropped Katie Couric a hint as to the outcome this morning while modelling a sweater made from wallet-size photos of her dead husband sewn together with locks of her dead husband's hair.

"I did it all for Sean," she said, a small photo of her dead husband stapled to her forehead. "Thanks to his pointless death, my pointless life has been transformed into a spectacle of schmaltz disguised as a political crusade."

So after weeks of bickering over insignificant minutiae, it appears that Congress is at last on the verge of approving a sweeping overhaul of the nation's intelligence agencies that will allow the dead husbands of the beleaguered 9/11 widows to finally be at peace.

I'm Osama Bin Laden, and I Approve This Message

Surfacing for the first time in over a year, Bin Laden attacked President Bush in a video-taped statement today, accusing him of "misleading the American people", and waging "the wrong war, in the wrong place, at the wrong time". Before a cheering crowd in his home town of Flint, Michigan, the Che Guevara of our time demanded freedom for his Muslim brothers, the resignation of Donald Rumseld, and the indictment of Dick Cheney for his corrupt ties to Halliburton. Most shocking was Bin Laden's scathing ridicule of Bush for sitting on his ass while the towers burned.

"Although he's sent millions of jobs overseas, we never thought that the pee-Resident SELECT would leave 50 thousand of his citizens in both towers to face the horrors by themselves when they most needed him," a concerned Bin Laden said. "It seems that listening to a story about a little girls's pet goat was more important than paying attention to airplanes butting the towers. But what more can you expect from a coke addict who went AWOL from the Texas Air National Guard? More of the same, more of the same."

Bin Laden's statement kicks off a 12-state "Get Out the Vote" tour with Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi, and Max Cleland's severed limbs.

The New Face of Al Qaeda?

Something about this whole Al Caca thing has been grating on me, but I couldn't put my finger on it until this morning.

Most of my blog entries are born from the fumes of ordinary household cleansers, but sometimes my greatest revelations come while posting comments on other blogs. This morning I was over at Jet Noise, giving that fascist Cassandra a righteous smackdown with the blinding light of Liberal Logic, when it hit me.

380 tons of explosive material is alot of stuff to move overnight. You'd need twenty semis to haul all of it. Even Bush, in his divine stupidity, couldn't let a whole convoy of semis slip past him unnoticed. He's a dunce, but he's not blind.

So I got to thinking: what if they used one of those clown cars - you know, the ones that magically have room for 100 clowns? I expect a couple of tiny cars would be virtually invisible to spy satellites, and could easily slip though any checkpoints. After all, who is going to stop and search a funny little clown car? You'd have to question all those annoying clowns, with their big red noses and their loud horns. It'd be too much of a hassle. Best to just let the clowns on through, folks. I know I would.

Now, consider that a typical size-39 clown shoe could pack enough plastic explosives to bring down a 747. A clown carrying an anthrax-laced custard cream pie could walk right into the Capitol building, blend in amongst the senators and congresspersons, and take out John Kerry's entire staff of hairdressers. A squadron of clowns could take over an entire Pacific Northwest hemp products company and force its employees to read Ayn Rand screeds while ingesting vast amounts of fatty foods.

Terrified? You should be. Perhaps more so when you realize that Bush has done absolutely NOTHING AT ALL to protect us from terrorist clowns! He's wasted all this time chasing down innocent middle-eastern males named "Mohammed", when the real terrorist threat is Mr. McPickles, the Happy Hobo.

If there's one thing we learned from 9/11, it's that Bush let it happen in order to line the pockets of his Halliburton buddies. But if there was another thing we learned, it's that "he who hesitates is lost". NOW is the time to act, before any innocents suffer at the hands of these insidious, giggling vermin.

We must stake-out the places that clowns congregate: circuses, carnivals, gay pride parades, Michael Moore book-signings, etc. and record any suspicious activity. That is, activity that would be suspicious for clowns.

We must order airport security throughout the country to scrutinize any brightly-colored clowns who try to pass through the gates - provided they don't scrutinize more than two clowns a day and give equal attention to non-clowns. Under all that make-up, clowns are people too, you know. Protecting Americans from a painful, screaming death should never be used as an excuse to hurt someone's feelings.

Furthermore, we must constantly remind the public that clowns are a gentle, peaceful people and any anti-clown violence will not be tolerated (unless it's against Republican clowns, and then it's a matter of political expression). As President, John Kerry won't ignore the clown threat, but won't round up all the clowns and haul them off to Gitmo simply because they checked out a library book he doesn't like, either. Unlike Bush, Kerry will reach out to the clown community and bring them into the decision-making process. Rumor has it that he's already picked several clowns to fill his cabinet. But make no mistake: Any clowns that harbor plans for violent acts against the United States, John Kerry has a message for you: Go right ahead! Then watch in awe and horror as we conduct a global test, consult Marcel Marceau, fire Donald Rumsfeld, and then hunt you down wherever the International Community says we can!

What should we expect from Bush? More of the same, folks. More of the same.

Kerry to Troops: "You Suck!"

John Kerry addressed members of the National Guard last Thursday, accusing Bush of living in a "fantasy world of spin" and "gilding the truth" about the War in Iraq

"Bush deceived you when he painted a rosy picture of the war yesterday," he told the crowd of grimacing veterans, "but conveniently failed to mention the rivers of blood and gore that flow down the streets of Bagdhad as we speak, chock full of charred American bodies and decapitated soldiers. The Commander-in-Chief needs to level with the American people and the nation about the pointless bloodbath Iraq has become, not lift them up with sugar-coated words of hope and inspiration. That's how I won the peace in Vietnam, and that's how I'll win it in Iraq."

Kerry, a highly decorated and thrice wounded Vietnam Veteran, kicked off the "Screw Morale, I Wanna Be President" leg of his campaign tour with his meandering, three hour Prophesy of Doom at a National Guard conference in Las Vegas, followed by a trip to a Clark County V.A. hospital to dispel any illusions of heroism and glory Bush may have put into the heads of our wounded soldiers.

"You're undermanned, underequipped, and undertrained," Kerry spoke to a wardful of troops in their hospital beds. "Let's face it, you guys suck. Heck, you weren't even supposed to be an Iraq to begin with - you should have been over in Afghanistan hunting for Osama Bin Laden. All the people you murdered, all the blood you spilt was for perhaps Halliburton."

At last, someone who speaks the truth, as ugly as it may seem. After four long years of mindless, sunshine and lollipops rhetoric from the Bush junta, John Kerry is like a breath of fresh air.

"And YOU," he continued, pointing at a severely burned Marine with a medal pinned to his bandages. "You think that silly Purple Heart means anything? I got THREE and never saw the inside of a hospital."

After depressing the hell out of three more veterans hospitals, Kerry plans to spend the weekend making calls to the families of the over 1000 men and women who have died in Iraq thus far, to inform them of the "hard truth" that their kids died for no reason.

"It's time for America to decide whether they want a leader who smiles all the time and tells us fairy tales about how 'our best days are ahead of us', or one who will happily take a huge crap on national morale just to get into the White House," Kerry told reporters while riding atop a caravan of flag-draped coffins. "If you want a president who isn't afraid to lose a war in order to win the peace, then I'm John Kerry, reporting for duty!"

The John Kerry 12-Step Program to Win the Peace

Since the dawn of history, the ultimate goal of war has always been to kill to enemy and crush his spirit until he submits to your will. As a consequence, billions of lives have been lost, and valuable resources have been wasted furthering the cause of Western imperialism. It wasn't until Vietnam that the world realized the best way to avoid pointless death and destruction is to discard the primitive concept of defeating the enemy, and instead focus on "winning the peace" through the determined pursuit of a complete stalemate.

If it is our imperialistic arrogance and jingoistic pride that causes wars, then it's also America's historical insistence on military superiority that prevents it from relying on diplomatic means to resolve conflicts. Where collaboration and appeasement would insure an everlasting peace, the U.S. military-industrial complex rushes to war, resorting to knee-jerk retaliatory and pre-emptive attacks on weaker nations that unfairly result in an unequal distribution of casualities. How can we Win the Peace when the enemy's dead and wounded exponentially outnumbers that of our own?

John Kerry has the answer. Despite the Bush junta's incessant lying to the contrary, Kerry's strategy for Winning the Peace is as clear as Roma Downey's urine. It can be found on his campaign website, if you look hard enough. It can be heard in his speeches, if one merely reads between the lines. In twelve simple steps, John Kerry will systematically weaken our arrogant resolve to "win the war", while simultaneously encouraging the enemy to fight on. Ultimately, this will balance the scales and create a level playing field so that both sides can mutually work towards a peaceful deadlock.

Step 1: Attack the Secretary of Defense
John Kerry knows that the First Step towards Winning the Peace is siding with the enemy against the man who is actively plotting their destruction. As the architect of the infamous "Shock and Awe" campaign, as well as the Abu Ghraib attrocities, Donald Rumsfeld's unmitigated determination to "win the war" only serves to increase senseless bloodshed and make Iraqi babies cry. Instead of feeling the enemy's pain, he is the cause of it with his gruff persona and must-win approach to warfare. If we're ever to bring this silly war to a peaceful stalemate, we'll need less Bill Holdens and more Bill Clintons running the show.

Step 2: Reach Out to Our Allies
Sun Tzu said that there are two paths one may take in war: One is to victory, the other one runs through France. When the Romans sacked Carthage in 149 B.C. and put every man, woman, and child to the sword, they must've been kicking themselves for not first appealing to France. Instead, they had to live with the shame of victory, and 500 years later the Roman Empire was no more. As our first French President, John Kerry will bring our trusted French allies to the table and pay them whatever it takes to obtain their help and guidance.

Step 3: Less Fighting, More Paperwork
John Kerry is right. Bush has mismanaged this war by allowing the warriors to do all the managing. Sure, he sets goals and objectives, but when it comes down to moving little toy tanks across the big map in the war room, he's mysteriously AWOL. Allowing career soldiers to call the shots might win the war, but only a lifelong bureaucrat can win the peace. As President, John Kerry will appoint a Blue Ribbon Commission to investigate the committee looking into forming a bipartisan board of commissioners charged with presenting a 1500 page plan of action for possibly forming another commission concerning whether troops should shout "Ollie Ollie Oxen Free" before engaging the enemy. With a less streamlined, more bureaucratic chain-of-command, Kerry will insure that no trigger-happy jarhead will ever return fire on the enemy without first completing a form B79873-A. In triplicate.

Step 4: Be Honest
As Nobel Laureate Jimmy Carter taught us, peace begins with the simple admission that you're powerless over the enemy. By constantly declaring the war a "failure", John Kerry's strategy to Win the Peace will be built upon a foundation of self-doubt and shame.

Step 5: Have Faith
A history of jingoist hegemony run riot can be brought to a screeching halt by making a simple decision to turn everything over to a higher power - The United Nations. To Win the Peace, John Kerry will pull our troops out from under the imperialistic Stars & Stripes and put them where they belong, behind the Ol' Baby Blue.

Step 6: Admit Your Mistakes
When a series of gross miscalculations cost thousands of American lives in the Battle of the Bulge, President Roosevelt immediately called a press conference to confess his mistakes and beg his political enemies for forgiveness. If only George Bush had the courage and insight to admit he's wrong. John Kerry does, and he'll never hesitate to apologize to the whole world for Bush's screw-ups.

Step 7: Humility
Pride goeth before the fall. Next to denouncing your own brothers as war criminals and murderers, nothing crushes pride and smothers that pesky troop morale like constantly reminding them of what a lousy job they're doing. As President, John Kerry will continue to ignore our successes while highlighting our failures. With both the mainstream media and the democrat party focusing on images of crying mothers, flag-draped coffins, and butt-naked Iraqis, America will never forget what a bloodthirsty imperialist empire it is.

Step 8: More Troops
By criticizing the lack of troops with boots on the ground, President Kerry will reassure the enemy that we're greatly outnumbered, while emphasizing the necessity to surrender the whole freak show to the U.N.

Step 9: Less Troops
By publicly announcing that he'll be withdrawing troops in the midst of battle, Kerry gives the enemy hope to fight on, while crushing our own force's misguided sense of purpose. If this seems to contradict #8, do not worry. He's John Kerry, and he has three Purple Hearts.

Step 10: Accept Our Faults
One of the most important steps towards recovery is accepting your defects rather than hiding them. Having voted against funding our troops, John Kerry knows exactly what our weaknesses are - and he'll make sure the enemy does as well. Our humvees don't have armor. Our troops don't have ammo. Our forces are over-extended. By constantly announcing real and fictional military weaknesses, John Kerry will boldly send the message to our soldiers and those of the enemy that we just don't have what it takes to see this thing through to victory.

Step 11: Don't Present a Unified Front
As John Kerry wrote in his brilliant book, "We are asking America to turn from false glory, hollow victory, fabricated foreign threats, fear which threatens us as a nation, shallow pride which feeds off fear, and mostly from the promises which have proven so deceiving these past ten years."
If there's anything we learned from Vietnam, it is the important contribution a large anti-war movement has toward Winning the Peace. Working in concert with anti-war groups, morbidly obese documentary filmmakers, and the mainstream media, John Kerry will stoke the fires of dissent here at home and insure that we don't have a repeat of the widespread jingoism America experienced after 9/11. After 8 years of government-fed self-loathing, America won't have the will to fight a traffic ticket, let alone a War on Terror.

Step 12: Closure
The term "war" implies that one side must win for it to be over. However, referring to it as a "police action" or a "conflict" allows one to give up fighting without the stigma of shame that comes from conceding to defeat. John Kerry will never surrender the "war" in Iraq - but by working towards a peaceful deadlock, he will finally bring an end to the "conflict". And isn't that really what we all want, deep down inside?

Kerry to Bush: "Bomb Them Ragheads!"

Sen. John Kerry kicked off the first leg of his "God, Guns, and Gays" tour of battleground states by blasting pee-Resident Bush for being "too slow, too soft" on fighting terrorism.

"I'm sick of this administration's lackadaisical, mamby-pamby foreign policy," Kerry told a small crowd of slack-jawed yokels in a predominantly conservative suburb of Springfield, Ohio. "When American lives are in danger, we must act NOW to determine if the threat is imminent, exhaust all diplomatic options, bring our allies to the table, reach out to the Muslim community, and then bomb them ragheads back to the stone ages!"

Kerry's robust rhetoric is his latest move to reassure more conservative voters that he's not a limp-wristed liberal senator with a history of voting against national defense, but rather a tough-talking hawk who has what it takes to defend the country from terrorist attacks. Not counting his 4 months as a Navy swiftboat commander in Vietnam, Kerry has a stellar seven-month record of being serious about national security. In recent weeks, he's ceased referring to France as a "vital ally", and has been photographed making decisive hand gestures while speaking about the War on Terror.

"I swear on this here Bible which I carry with me to the NASCAR races every week, that I will defend this country to my last breath," Kerry spoke from the bed of a monster pickup truck. Punctuating each sentence by shooting a clay pigeon out of the sky, he boldly outlined his plan for Winning the Peace without instinctively segueing into health care and environmental issues.

"My old man gave me this rifle," he said, lovingly caressing its wooden stock. "Pa and I would head to the hills every Sunday between church and NRA meetings, stopping along the way to beat up assorted hippies and queers. I bagged my first buck with this baby. 14 pointer. She was a real beauty. PULL!"

Yet despite Kerry's new conservative makeover, some voters still remain unconvinced.

"He kind of creeps me out," one ignorant, trailer-trash, right-winger explained. "You want to believe the guy, but at the same time there's something eerily unreal about him. Sort of like that Ellen Degeneres movie where she kisses a dude."

John Kerry, Speed-Reader Extraordinaire

If there was ever any doubt that John Kerry is a man of superior, perhaps even godlike intellect, you can now lay that doubt to rest. Mere hours after the 9/11 Commission released its much-anticipated report, John Kerry has already read all 600 pages and concludes that the blame for the attacks lies squarely on Bush's shoulders.

"This is not a time for bickering. It is not a time for politics. When it comes to protecting our people and securing our homeland, there are no Democrats. There are no Republicans. There are only Americans who will do anything to defend America and our way of life. This is a time to come together. This is a time for bipartisan solutions. And this is a time to act - now. Unfortunately, this administration had an ongoing war between the State Department, the Defense Department, the White House — people have been at odds. Everybody knows it. They'll deny it. But everybody does know it. And the fact is that it has struggled — it has created a struggle that has delayed our ability to move forward."

Folks, I have six degrees from UC Berkeley. I bought the report this morning and I'm barely past page 35. The world speed reading record is 150,000 words per minute. Although his humility precludes him from boasting, Kerry has surely smashed that record. In fact, both Ted Kennedy and Nancy Pelosi have also issued statements confirming that the report damns Bush. Bush is probably still trying to get through My Pet Goat.

Just more proof that Republicans are dumber than a sockful of docs.

What's Wrong With This Picture?

Herr Ashcroft issued another one of his phony terrorist warnings today.

Take a good look at this photo. Notice how all the "suspects" seem to look..oh, I don't know...MIDDLE EASTERN? Notice how their skin seems to be a little DARK? Notice how they all seem to have the same types of names? What does that tell you?

You got it, GEORGE BUSH IS A RACIST BIGOT!!! Where are the white guys in this wild west "wanted poster"? Where's the mugshot of my gramma? Gramma gets felt up at airport security all the time...she must have terrorist connections. When are the jackbooted thugs going to drag her off to Abu Ghraib?

Obviously, Bush is trying to stir-up hatred against Muslim Americans by enforcing the stereotype that all terrorists are dark-skinned Arab males with smoking sneakers. As Michael Moore will tell you, the vast majority of terrorists are white males who drive SUV's and listen to Rush Limbaugh. But Bushie just won't be satisfied until muslims are hunted like dogs and forced to wear women's undies over their heads.

Personally, I'd prefer he'd keep these silly warnings to himself, anyway - at least until an actual attack occurs. Then he can explain to us why he didn't bother warning anyone about it.

pResident Evil

When I watched the video this morning - realizing the sheer, utter barbarity of it - I did what any rational, intelligent person would when confronted with evil: I ran like the wind. I ran out of my cubicle, down the stairs, out into the parking lot, and down the street, screaming all the way. I had gone about five blocks before I remembered that there is no such thing as evil. "Evil" is a boogey-man that right-wing Christian biblethumpers made up to frighten people into their churches and political parties.

I paced back and forth, wringing my hands.

In fact, if anyone is evil - it's Hitler Bush, Himmler Rumsfeld, and the entire U.S. Nazi Military with their evil crusade against the innocent muslim peoples. This whole decapitation is George Bush's fault for putting on that flight suit and talking about "evil-doers" while he's ramming glowsticks up Achmed's poopchute. America is the true evil! Just look at what we did to the Indians! No wonder Al Qaeda hates us! That evil, AWOL deserter Bush is only making them hate us more, and submitting our children to attrocities like what I saw this morning!

Berg probably asked for it anyway. I bet he was a CIA agent.

I walked back to work, returned to my desk, and poured myself a nice glass of kool-aid.

I feel much better now.

"To overcome evil with good is good, to resist evil with evil is evil.
- Mohammed

Heads up: Bush Decapitates American in Iraq

When I first heard the ghastly news of the decapitation of an American citizen in Iraq, I was outraged. How could Bush do such a thing? Why hasn't Rumsfeld resigned yet? Why in the world did they give Amber the million when all she did was sit on Boston Rob's lap the whole season? And why was an Alsatian in a top hat drilling on my molar?

"Need a little more gas there, Lar'?" the large dog asked.

"...Fascist...Alsatian!" I slurred.

"Right then," he replied. "More gas it is!"


Two hours later, I was standing in front of the Downtown Seattle Medical & Dental Building, the events of this day racing through my mind like technicolor squirrels on an electric frisbee. An innocent man had been brutally murdered in Iraq, sure. But how many innocent Iraqis have we raped and murdered in that American Dachau? I wouldn't it past Hitler Bush to stage the whole decapitation just to draw attention away from thre Abu Ghraib photos and make Al Qaeda look like the bad guys.

Stiill, I'm an open-minded, free-thinking individual. I decided to reserve judgment until I heard what the Arab Street had to say, and then base my opinion around that.

As coincidence would have it, I was swatting at giant bats just as a cab pulled to the curb, and a olive-skinned, bearded man in a purple turban poked his head out.

"You need a ride? I will take you," he told me in a thickly accented voice.

I hopped into into the back seat. This would be the perfect opportunity for me to find out what the word on the Arab Street was.

"Where do you go today?" the turbaned cabbie ask me through the rear-view mirror.

"Thshssh shhsphhhaaaa," I slurred.

"Capitol Hill? No problem."

The car sped east, we rode in silence as I tried to find a way to pose a question without offending him. I finally decided to just come right out and ask his opinion about the decapitation.

"Saaaaay..Whash da shtink ashthd thsh decapioshashun thshtyhh?"

The cabbie wiped the spittle off the back of his neck and thought a moment before replying. "Oh yes, the Mariners do indeed stink most incredibly this season," he said. Their bullpen stinks. Their batting stinks. Even Ichiro cannot save their posterior regions, I am most afraid."

Obviously, there was a language barrier here. I tried rephrasing the question.

"Tish deshapcayshun thbdd shrory on thsh noosh..."

"Buddy Hackett!" the cabbie interrupted with a gleeful shout. "Oh, I do love Buddy Hackett! A very funny man! A VERY funny man!"

I sighed with exasperation. I had better luck talking to the Alsatian. At this rate, I'd have to wait until Ted Kennedy issued a statement before I'd know what the word on the Arab Street was.

But just as I was about to call it quits, the driver surprised me by

"Have you heard about the decapitation of that poor American man today?" he asked. "'Religion of Peace', my ass! If George Bush had any sense, he'd kill every last one of them. This "hearts and minds" bullshit is only getting our troops killed. How can you win the hearts and minds of people who have neither?"


"You think it was an evil act when they burned Americans and hung them from that bridge?" the cabbie raved on. Muslims burned whole families of my people. We tried befriending them, coexisting with them. Look what it got us! I can't even go back to the home of my ancestors now without being slaughtered like a pig. So I bring my family here to this wonderful land where my children can grow up safe, healthy, and FREE. The only think I have to worry about are idiot jackasses who think I'm an Arab just because I have dark skin and a turban."

I stepped out of the cab at Broadway & Pine, satisfied that I had gotten whay I was looking more - the true word from Arab Street: Rumsfeld must resign, before more innocent Alsatians die.

Bin Laden Apologizes for Truce Offer Snafu

Osama Bin Laden publicly apologized today for a recently released audio tape in which he attacks Halliburton, accuses President Bush of being a mass murderer, and offers a truce to European nations if they pull their forces out of Iraq. Bin Laden, a Yemeni-born freedom fighter and one-time suspect in the 9/11 attacks, explained that he had made two tapes for two different media outlets, but they somehow were mixed up in the mail. As a result, the recording Al Jazeera received was actually an audition tape meant for Air America, the fledgling progressive radio network.

"This war makes millions of dollars for big corporations, either weapons manufacturers or those working in the reconstruction of Iraq, such as Halliburton and its sister companies..." the voice on the tape said. "It is crystal clear who benefits from igniting the fire of this war and this bloodshed: They are the merchants of war, the bloodsuckers who run the policy of the world from behind the scenes. President Bush and his ilk, the media giants, and the U.N. ... all are a fatal danger to the world, and the Zionist lobby is their most dangerous member. Thank you, and stay tuned for The Majority Report with Janeane Garafolo."

Bin Laden, who has been auditioning for a talk radio spot on Air America since Saddam Hussein turned down an offer several weeks ago, expressed his sincere apologies over the mix-up.

"Talk about a total brainfart," he told reporters at his Berkeley, California home. "This is more embarassing than the time Susan Sarandon and I got our speeches mixed up at a Howard Dean rally. I still get called 'Thelma' over that one. Needleless to say, we no longer have the same speechwriter."

Meanwhile, Air America has stopped airing Bin Laden's Al Jazeera tape, which they originally mistook for a political ad. Once they were informed of the snafu, network executives decided to give Bin Laden a one hour program in an evening time slot.

"The man has talent," said Linda Hisse-Fitz, Air America's program director. "He's angry, he's loud, he's extreme - he's the progessive Michael Savage."

Although Bin Laden is known for using graphic language about killing "American infidels" and drowning the "Zionist invaders" in their own blood, Hisse-Fitz was certain it was simply part of his metaphorical speaking style.

"You right-wingers take everything so literally. Go to college and get an education."


I'm listening to the Rice testimony before the non-partisan 9/11 commission. I love it! I haven't had this much fun since the non-partisan Clarence Thomas hearings. All that talk about how she was going to be in her element, about how she would knock the non-partisan 9/11 interrogators off their feet, now LOOK at her! She's floundering like a fish out of mercury and arsenic-laced water!

What I want to know is did she even read Richard Clarke's book? Because she's contradicting everything he wrote. All the facts are right there in black and white, yet she refuses to accept the overwhelming evidence against her.

Even more baffling, is how poorly she plays to the crowd. Bob Kerrey is getting all the whoops and woofs from the Dawg Pound, while she just sits there silent and stoney-faced, without earning a single "You Go Girl!" from the 9/11 widows. Maybe that's why she completely blew them off, not even offering a teary-eyed apology for her part in the loss of over 3,000 American lives.

This is a highly-educated, professional woman?

Can We PLEASE Surrender Now?

Twelve dead Marines in Iraq.

If Bush and his neocon buddies think this is going to rally us behind the troops and his war, they're wrong. Now, more than ever, we must unite as one nation, strengthen our resolve, and push for an unconditional surrender of all "coalition forces" and their immediate withdrawal from Iraq. I don't care who we surrender to - the Shiites, Osama, the U.N., France - as long as we do it fast, and with our tails between our legs. We must send a clear signal to these bullies that we will do whatever it takes to appease them. Only then can we begin the Peace Process, and get Bill Clinton the Nobel he so rightly deserves.

Toss Another American onto the Barbie!

Too busy to blog today, so I thought I'd post a couple of excerpts from my friends at the enlightened, progressive think tank, Their jubilance over the killing and mutilation of 4 American contractors in Fallujah rivals that of the Iraqis actually dancing around the charred corpses. The general consensus is that the "contractors" were probably CIA agents and therefore had it coming, but Bush holds the brunt of the blame for sending our tots over there to steal Iraq's oil. We need to surrender to Iraq now, and beg the International Community for forgiveness.

That sounds about right to me!

Here's a couple of snippets:


Those people did NOTHING to justify this unlawful and unwarranted invasion.

I do indeed pity the poor soul who was murdered and abused, BUT, had the bush regime not sought to enact its hitler-esque WWIII PNAC scheme that man would NOT have died, niether would have the thousands of US and coalition soldiers.

the PNAC SUCKS. Bush sucks. Don't like it? GET THE FUKC OUT OF IRAQ."

Here's one from someone named "Capt_Nemo"...

"These guys were working for the invader, they should accept the
risks of being in a war zone on the side of the aggressor and
Got killed? Tough luck!"

Mari333 writes with passion and clarity:

"Please call your congresspeople and senators now and scream at them to bring our troops home now..Michael is right in Baghdad, I cant go to him and grab him and get him out please do this please
so many kids are there and no one has been listening to any of us we call and call and call and no one listens to us please do this please help me get Michael out of there I am begging you guys please help us get all the kids out of there please Michael last email told me its worse and worse every day please please its so bad there"

A poster with the moniker "radwriter0555" applies much needed logic to the situation:

"Gee should they ACT CIVILIZED when the barbarian hordes have taken over THEIR country, destroyed THEIR homes and raped THEIR women and killed THEIR children, fathers, mothers, sons and daughters? You want them to be NICE about it? No fukcing way. They are ENTITLED to behave in any manner they so choose. WE need to get OUT of there."

"TheStranger" had much to say on the topic, but I this post has a unique grasp on the facts. When one posted commented that they couldn't believed how completely filled with hate the Iraqis responsible were, The Stranger responded with:

If you can't believe how "completely filled with hate these people are," then you haven't been following current events lately. Here's a little update. "These people" have had their country and their homes bombed, destroyed and/or invaded, uncounted thousands of people (including their friends and family) summarily annihilated, have been proselytized by subhuman garbage seeking to convert them to "Christianity," and can, at best, only look forward to a future of occupation and endless, bloody civil war, all of which -- make no mistake about it -- was the intended aim and consequence of the invasion by the Neoconservatives."


But my favorite post of all comes from "havocMom", who fears that the attack may not only anger right-wingers, but also cause alot of loonies to come out of the woodwork:

"This is gonna heat up the wingers here in the US big time
and they will start getting down and dirty about attacking anti war
sentiment and people who demonstrate it. So many operate from a knee jerk mentality and this is gonna jerk them bad. Worries me that the neocons depend on hate so much as their motivation to do anything. Makes their puppet masters too willing to inflame that tendency for their own purposes.

Heads up, everyone. There will be loonies out there who will be a bit too inspired by this."

Osama Patiently Waits for an Apology

As National Security Condoleeza Rice prepares to answer for her crimes against humanity, one time fugitive Osama Bin Laden speaks candidly to Leslie Stahl on a very special 60 Minutes this weekend.

Bin Laden, once suspected of being the mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks before the focus of the investigation turned to Condoleeza Rice, sat down with Stahl at his lavish mountain hideaway deep inside Afghanistan to share his life, his loves, his passion for porcelain Dreamsicle figurines, and his will to persevere in spite of a growing tide of right-wing jingoist hatred levelled at him.

Against a romantic backdrop of snow-capped peaks, Bin Laden opened up to Stahl. They spoke in length of his lower-class, dysfunctional childhood, his alcoholic parents, his own failed marriages, and his declining health. They discussed the long months spent hiding deep within his network of mountain caves, the sounds of American bombs falling nearby, until Richard Clarke's testimony before the 9/11 commission exonerated him of all guilt.

"After all you've been through," Stahl asked him. "Has anyone from the Bush administration offered an apology?"

Bin Laden shrugged helplessly and gazed off into the horizon. "They don't write. They don't call. All they know how to do is bomb."

But the destruction of his homeland, the obliteration of his people, the confiscation of his fortune - nothing has hurt him both emotionally and spiritually like the well-organized assault on his character by the Republican Attack Machine.

"Since this whole thing began," Bin Laden explained. "I've received thousands of angry, hateful emails from all over the world. They call me a "towelhead". They call me a "bearded yak". These are compassionate conservatives?"

Yet despite all his trials and tribulations, it is the suffering of the American people that makes Bin Laden break down and sob uncontrollably.

"Sure, I've had it rough," Bin Laden confessed, a single tear rolling down his weathered cheek. "But how can I complain, when over 3 million jobs have been lost on Bush's watch? The man promised to be a uniter, not a divider. Yet America is more divided than ever."

The Right Wing Crucifixion of Richard Clarke

No sooner did terrorism expert Richard Clarke pour his heart out to the American people and point a damning finger of blame at Bush for staging the 9/11 attacks, than the Right Wing Attack Machine let loose it's Attack Dogs to sully his character. Condoleeza "The House Negro" Skeeza, who couldn't make time to testify at the 9/11 hearings, somehow found time in her busy schedule to launch an Ad Hominem Attack against Clarke for his revelation that she not only ignored the terrorist threats, but had no idea what Al-Qaeda was. Under the guise of defending herself, she whored herself out to every talk show on the dial simply to undermine Clarke's credibility and call that brave, heroic man a liar and a fraud.

Meanwhile, the Bush Attack Squad presented statements from Clarke that were contradictory to the ones he made at the hearing and in his book, as if that had any bearing on the man's testimony. PLEASE! If someone says one thing, and then says something totally contradictory, it only means he's lying 50% of the time, and that's 50% less than Bush. After Clarke's heartfelt apology to the poor, mourning 9/11 widows, we at least owe him the benefit of the doubt on anything he says critical of Bush.

Didn't these Right Wing Attack Nazis even see the crying widows at the hearings? Don't they have an ounce of compassion for the children of the 3,000 innocent people who died on Bush's watch? Apparently not, as we remember how Bush continued reading to those school kids for three whole minutes after Andrew card told him of the attacks. Al Gore, a man of deep feelings, would have leapt from his chair and screamed "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!", and then run from the room. Bush just sat there snickering to himself while New York burned. Now he shows that same cold-hearted cruelty with his refusal to appear at the hearings and blubber like Michael Landon at the end of any Little House episode. Or any Highway to Heaven episode. In fact, Michael Landon blubbered at the end of Bonanza a few times, too. That's because a strong man isn't afraid to cry on cue. A true leader doesn't respond to criticism by ordering his Right Wing Attack Dogs to kick a man while he's down. Perhaps it is time for Bush to grow up, admit to everything anyone accuses him of, then drop to his knees and beg the International Community for forgiveness. Only then can we put the silly War on Terrorism behind us and move on to more important things, like affordable health care for same-sex couples.

End the War On Terrorism NOW; For Kid's Sake

Last weekend, billions of people across the globe gathered together for one unified cause; to end the imperialist U.S. war on terror and save the children of the world from certain destruction. Our children have been sent overseas by an unelected president to fight an unjust war against another nation's children, and it must stop NOW. Bush may talk up a storm about "No Child Left Behind", but he sure doesn't mind sending our precious children off to die in Iraq. Our children should not be shooting guns at all, let alone fighting in wars! They should be here, at home, learning about gay sex and having abortions.

That's why I took time out yesterday to go join the millions of peace activists in a march to Bring Our Children Home. We will not stand by as Bush sends more of our Children to die on foreign soil for a cheap tank of gas. Bush, pull our Children out of Iraq NOW, or we'll continue to stomp our feet and hold our breath until you do what we want. We'll see how you like it when we smash windows and turn over cars until we get our way. Sure, go ahead and send out your fascist pigs to ruin our fun - that's so like you. At least Bill Clinton felt our pain - you don't even let us have any fun because you don't love us. You're the meanest daddy in the whole wide world, and I hate you!!!

We are we are we are we're just children
finding our way around indecision
we are we are we are rather helpless
changes forever
a whisper to a scream.
- Icicle

Bush Bloviates

I turned on the radio and came in on the middle of a speech the Shrub was giving somewhere to someone about something.

"No concession will appease their hatred," Bush said. "No accommodation will satisfy their endless demands. Their ultimate ambitions are to control the peoples of the Middle East and to blackmail the rest of the world with weapons of mass terror."

Funny - that's exactly what the rest of the world thinks about America! I wonder when Bush is going to crawl out of his spider hole and surrender.

Which reminds me...reknowned statesman and Man of the People Edward Asner is in town to lead a peace march this weekend. Most people remember Asner as the grumpy cook, "Mel" from the hit TV sitcom Alice - but few know that he's also a proud anti-war activist and devout follower of unjustly imprisoned civil rights leader, Mumia Abdul Jabbar. I wish I could attend the rally tomorrow - I hear ol' Ed shaved his back just for the occasion. Personally, I will be commemorating the first anniversary of the U.S.'s imperialist occupation of Iraq by sending "thank you" letters to the troops:

"Dear Random Soldier,

Thank you for murdering 100,000 innocent Iraqi children just so Dick Cheney and his Halliburton buddies can put theirs through college.

I'm only kidding. France, Germany, and the rest of the civilized world may hate your hegemonic, cowboy guts, but all of us back in the nice, air-conditioned states love ya - cuz golly gee, it sure is real swell of you to get shot at so we all can have a cheap tank of gas.

You'll also be happy to know that while you're eating dirt in Bagdhad, Karl Rove is sleeping with your wife. Think about that the next time the Commander in Thief asks you to participate in one of his campaign photo-ops.

Who can turn the world on with his smile?
Liberal Larry

p.s. It's only desertion if there's been a congressional declaration of war, you know."

Pretty cool, huh? I came up with it when I accidentally put Liquid Draino in my home enema kit last week.

Al Qaeda Endorses Bush

After calling a truce with Spain, Al Qaeda terrorists have thrown their support behind George Bush for president.

In a statement sent to Arabic language daily al-Hayat, the Al Qaeda-linked Abu Hafs al-Masri Brigades claimed it preferred bumbling stupidity over cunning genius, and that it is impossible to find a leader "more foolish than the AWOL Bush, who deals with matters by force rather than with wisdom."

"Americans must NOT vote for Kerry," the message continued. "Kerry will kill our nation while it sleeps because he and the Democrats have the cunning to embellish blasphemy and present it to the Arab and Muslim nation as civilization. The last thing we terrorists want is a Vietnam war hero like Kerry, who will bring peace and prosperity to the whole world, and turn the American people into complacent sheep with affordable health care and good jobs. We prefer terror and violence - and because of this we desire Dumbya to be elected - or should we say: we prefer him to STEAL the election again."

The letter, crudely written on recycled paper in green crayon, also addressed the 200 million jobs and 750,000 American lives that have been lost on Bush's watch, before concluding with a stunning postscript:

"Let us clarify: The American people must not think we say we prefer Bush so they vote for Kerry just to spite us. We really do like the Shrub, who despite squandering a budget surplus and racking up record deficits, looks good in a flight suit and gives us more excuses to attack and kill you. John Kerry, however, is just too smart for us terrorists, and all the allies Bush alienated will rally behind the esteemed senator from Massachussetts. Do NOT vote for Kerry! And do NOT send money to, either.

Allah Ackbar, sayonara, and all that good stuff - the Terrorists."

There you have it, straight from the camel's mouth. Despite all the neocon spinning about how the terrorists manipulated the Spanish elections to put into power a man who supports John Kerry, the truth is that Al Qaeda would much rather have an idiot like Dumbya in the White House than a man of Kerry's brilliance.

Spain Rejoins the World Community

Spain has handed an olive branch to Al Qaeda while also hocking a big, giant loogie of defiance into the eye of George Bush and his imperialist War on Terror. By tossing out Aznar and announcing an immediate withdrawl of all troops from Iraq, the Spanish people have shouted in one, unified voice: "The answer to terrorism lies not with the imperialist cowboy arrogance of the United States, but rather in the gentle busoms of France and Germany!" Yes, France and Germany - two brave nations that have shown throughout history that they have what it takes to stamp out fascist aggression.

"It is clear that using force is not the answer to resolving the conflict with terrorists," declared Romano Prodi, European Commission chief.

Of course, this is what I've been saying all along, and what Geedumbya doesn't seem to understand: Killing terrorists is only going to make them hate us more. The answer to violence is not more violence, but rather to weep openly and then appeal to France. You see, when you're having a big family picnic and a bunch of people get stung by bees, you don't walk over and start unilaterally whacking the hive with a stick do you? Of course not. You have a big cry, then join hands in a Circle of Hope to share your feelings about the tragic stinging, and discuss what you did to cause it. After all, it's your own damn fault for angering the bees with your existence. You're the aggressor!!! Once you accept the fact that you're to blame for everything, you can simply empty your pockets, surrender the park to the bees, and then go nappy-nappy.

That's what we call the "peace process" folks. Bushie should take a lesson from Spain and give it a try some time.

Winning Terrorist Hearts

One of my progressive-liberal mentors, Iddybud, presented me with a challenge:

"What are your ideas about us winning over the Muslim world other than 1. bombing them into oblivion or 2.smothering them with "our way of life" at the point of a gun (when they do not wish to live in a Judeo-Christian society)?"

As much as I admire her wisdom, she's attacking a straw man. I do not want to bomb "The muslim world" into oblivion, nor do I want to force anyone to adapt my way of life at the point of gun, except for the Boy Scouts, Christians, smokers, pro-lifers, carnivores, homophobes, Uncle Toms, dittoheads, and SUV-owners. Shrub and his neocon warhawk buddies think the answer to terrorism is to kill the terrorists, but how can we make someone love us if they're DEAD? In order to win the hearts and minds of those who seek to bathe in our blood, we must learn to compromise. Compromise means bending a little bit, sacrificing something for the greater peace. And despite coming to the rescue of Muslims in Iraq, Bosnia, Kuwait, Somalia, and most recently in Iran, we just haven't really gone out of our way to prove our love.

Let's examine what the terrorists want from us, according to their own words:

Demand #1. Convert to Islam, or die.
Demand #2. Let us kill all the Joos.

Sure, these may seem like pretty reasonable demands on the surface. After all, they've been part of the official French anti-terrorism policy for years. However, America is secretly ran by Zionist Cabalists, and Christian Armageddonists who think Jesus will make a comeback in Israel. There's no way we're going to convince a nation populated by dogma-spewing, fundamentalist wackos to convert to Islam.

But what if we met them half way? What if say, 50% of Americans either convert to Islam or commit suicide, and we throw in 50% of the Joos for good measure? It would show the Religion of Peace that we're willing to take that extra little baby step towards friendship. Unfortunately, I doubt the mullahs will settle for that. We may have to go as high as 70 or 80 percent on both of the demands, just to prove our sincerity.

One may ask: How do we get a predominantly Judeo-Christian nation to give up their religious beliefs? The same way we get them to give up smoking; we make it so expensive and inconvenient that they simply quit. We start by designating all public places as "Judeo-Christian prayer-free zones", including churches. If anyone wants to talk to either Jesus or Yahweh, they'll have to do it outside in the snow with the smokers. Then we place an exhorbitant tax on praying, but offer an exemption if it's done on a rug, facing towards Mecca. These measures may seem extreme, but Christians in Iraq got used to it, and now live in total peace and harmony with their Muslim masters.

So whaddya say, America? Are you ready to step up to the plate and hit a home run for world peace? Or do you want to continue to alienate the Muslim world with your twisted, Judeo-Christian values and your snotty famine relief? Do you want a war without end, wrapped in duct tape and sprinkled with orange alerts, or do you want a utopian shangrila, where giant mushrooms sing lullabies, and candy unicorns leap happily over gumdrop rainbows?

The decision is yours.

AHA! No WMD in Iraq!

When I first read David Kay's stunning statement that Iraq doesn't have, nor ever had weapons of mass destruction, I dropped my bong, leapt from my beanbag chair, and shouted "Vive La France!". It proved conclusively that Bush lied about WMD just to steal Iraq's oil!

Then I slowly realized that there was something more sinister at work here.

If Bush lied about Saddam having WMD, then Clinton must have lied when he bombed Iraq back in 1993, 1996, and 1998. We all know that Clinton would never ever ever lie about anything (except for sex, and that was a vast, right-wing conspiracy). Therefore, David Kay must be lying when he says Iraq has no WMD. But if Kay is lying, that means Bush told the truth, which is impossible.

The whole thing really started to make my head hurt. I was going to take an aspirin and go to bed and forget about it, when I suddenly had an idea. Bush lied about WMD, that's now proven to be true. David Kay's statement validates that truth. Therefore, whatever Clinton did or said is therefore irrelevent, and anyone who tries to point out a contradiction in logic is an ignorant dittohead. I have a masters degree in Greco-Roman sexual positions and Interpretive Clog Dancing from UC Berkeley, pal! I think I know a little more about logic than you! You simply misunderstood Clinton when he said Iraq was a nuclear threat. Narrow-minded cons see everything in black in white, when there are really gray areas....graaaaaaay areas, YOU FASCIST NEOCON! BUSH LIED, PEOPLE DIED, HO HO HO CHI MINH!

There. Everything makes perfect sense now. My head feels much better.

Clinton Made Us Safer

Shrub and his right-wing fascists have been yammering for days about how the overthrow of Saddam and his staged "capture" have made the world a better a safer place. Yet the orange alerts keep coming. I still have to take my shoes off at the airport. Fighter jets keep getting scrambled whenever some little kids flies his kite too close to the White House.

Are we safer? Definitely not.

In fact, we were much more safer when Bill Clinton was president. There were no orange alerts, or yellow alerts, or even robin's egg blue alerts. There was no need for a Department of Homeland Security, no US Patriot Act, no runs on duct tape. In fact, Clinton didn't worry about terrorist attacks at all...which only PROVES that we were safer. I mean, if the President isn't losing any sleep over terrorism, then how big of a deal can it be?

Safe. Happy. Content. And all while Saddam was in power.

Perhaps Shrub should put him back where he found him.

France Disarms Libya

Libyan leader Moammar Khaddafi, a man of peace and vision, has suddenly decided to give up his Weapons of Mass Destruction. His decision was made of his own free will, and without any threats or provocation from the west. Rather, it was a desire to be part of the "International Community" of France and Germany that persuaded him.

So I guess France was right! If you simply be nice to dictators, they'll be more than happy to be your friend.

Sean Hannity, Chickenhawk!

Just weeks after the truth came out about big fat idiot Rush Limbaugh being a crack-addicted heroin freak, we're treated to another revelation about a right-wing hypocrite. Sean Hannity, hate-radio icon and avid proponent of the quagmire in Iraq, is a draft-dodging chickenhawk. Information I have uncovered reveals that while American heros like John Kerry, Al Gore, and Howard Dean were risking life and limb fighting for their country, Sean Hannity was lurking around playgrounds and elementary schools for god-knows-what perverted reasons. I guess it makes sense - No republican president since Eisenhower served a day in the military. Right-wingers like to pound the war drums, but where are they when the metal hits the meat? Sitting at home, watching the whole thing on CNN.
Compounding Hannity's treachery is the fact that many of his fellow Irish immigrants were handed rifles and drafted into the Vietnam war as soon as they stepped off the boat, as portrayed in the recent Martin Scorcese film, Escape from New York. They didn't have the choice to stay home and spew hate-speech across the public airwaves like chickenhawk Hannity.
But let not your heart be troubled - Hannity's fate grows nigh. Brave Americans like Edward Asner, who stormed the beaches of Normandy and killed 120 Japanese with his bare hands, are working to get the word out of Hannity's cowardice. It's only a matter of time before another right-wing hypocrite has a date with karma.