BlameBush!

Bush Ruins Olympics

Despite having trained for the Olympics all their lives, hundreds of our best athletes won't be welcomed in Athens this summer - thanks to BUSH. Oympics spokesman Mike Moran has warned the U.S. Olympic team to avoid showing any national pride, for fear of exacerbating the already seething hatred Europeans have for Americans.

"Whatever you do, don't run over and grab a flag and take it round the track with you," Moran cautioned American athletes. "Don't pump your fists, don't smile, - don't even move your lips to the national anthem."

Moran was especially worried that jingoistic displays during the opening ceremonies might provoke angry outbursts from the largely European crowd. The highlight of the ceremonies - a musical tribute to the 1945 surrender of Nazi Germany to Greece - will culminate with the traditional parade of teams from all participating nations. While other athletes are encouraged to show their national pride, the U.S. team will be pulled naked around the track with dog leashes, while the crowd pelts them with rancid tomatoes.

"If a Kenyan or a Russian grabs their national flag and runs round the track, it might not be viewed as confrontational," Moran explains. "But then again, they aren't exactly nations known for the sort of human rights abuses America proudly engages in."

Even more proof of how severely Bush has squandered the golden showers of international goodwill we received after 9/11.

Unfortunately, Shrub hasn't merely spoiled the Olympics for Americans. Despite plans to celebrate Europe's victory over Soviet tyranny by burning Ronald Reagan in effigy, the event had to be scratched over fears that the U.S. might bomb Greece in retaliation. There was also some concern that the Iraqi soccer team, making its first Olympic appearance in 16 years, might perform poorly without the guidance of their former coaches, the beloved Uday and Qusay Hussein. Both brothers were murdered by Bush last year so he could have complete control over Iraq's oil.

Super Dome Fever!

My brother invited me up to his Everett home to watch the Super Dome last Sunday. I'm no baseball fan, but I'm past due for some good, old fashioned, male bonding. Besides, the guy has a TV the size of France - perhaps I could convince him to cut the game short so I could catch "Thelma & Louise" on Lifetime.

But as soon as I got there, the fascist started opressing me.

"I'm gonna lay down some ground rules," he says. "First of all, you're not wearing that stupid hat in my house. Rule #2: You are not to touch the remote control under any circumstances, and Rule #3: You will not talk about politics. Clear?"

I nodded.

"Good! Now, how about a drink? Beer?"

"A soy milk will be fine, thank you."

He glared at me. "Rule #4: You will not mention soy milk, tofu, sushi, rice cakes, sprouts, or any other pansy-assed homo food. It's beer and buffalo wings, or nothing at all. Failure to abide by these rules will result in severe punishment. Got it?"

"Oh, I got it alright. You're a fascist, who must resort to violence to supress dissent. I'm not surprised, what with this neanderthal, jingoistic, RACIST BLOODSPORT you're worshipping today."

So I spent the entire Super Dome locked in the garage, and missed the terrible unveiling of Janet Jackson's satanic teat. My, how the puritans have gone nuts over one little breast - 40% of which is completely as nature made it. Bush says he slept through the whole thing, so that's TWO Super Dome's he has spent unconscious. At least this time they didn't find him sprawled on the floor with a pretzel hanging out of his mouth.

Nonetheless, he managed to sick his house negro's kid, Colin Powell, Jr., on everything that moves. Is there a Jackson that the Bushies aren't out to destroy? Michael, Jesse, and now Janet. Bush's vendetta against the entertainment industry knows no bounds.

Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Racist Fatty Fatso

That fat racist fatso, Rush Limbaugh, paragon of the right-wing extremists, has revealed his racism for all the world to see. Having forced his way onto ESPN with help from Adolf Ashcroft and the Bush Gestapo, Limboob didn't hesitate to attack a black athlete. In a remarkable display of fatso facism, the fat slob accused the media of going goo-goo over Philadelphia QB Terrence McNabb simply because he was black. "Let's face it," he blubbered, "The media has been very desirous that a black quarterback do well. There is a little hope invested in McNabb, and he got a lot of credit for the performance of this team that he didn't deserve. The defense carried this team."

Can you believe that racist bullshit? Next the fat bastard will be burning crosses on the fifty yard line.
Now, if he had claimed that white coaches only get the job because they're whites in a white male-dominated society, that would be different. But to suggest that McNebb is the media darling simply because he's black is like claiming Tiger Woods is famous because he's sort of black, too. McNibb is popular because he's the best damn quarterback in the sport, simple as that.

Then the fatty has the gall to claim that his hatemongering is protected by the First Amendment! Sorry, fatso, but it's only "Free Speech" if you're attacking the president, not football players.