BlameBush!

Canadian Boy Forced to Endure Discomfort, Drowsiness in Gitmo Torture Chamber

By now, everyone has seen the horrific video of a 15-year old Canadian boy being tortured at Bush's Guantanamo Bay Concentration Camp. However, many remain blissfully unaware of the tragic story that led to his illegal and immoral capture at the hands of our babykilling U.S. troops.

It all began when a scrappy young Omar Khadr was goofing around in an Afghani warzone, as all boisterous young men his age are apt do, when one of the grenades he was juggling to impress some local girls just happened to explode. Sergeant First Class Christopher James Speer, who was not wearing a helmet at the time, was killed in the explosion. But in a way, SFC Speer got off easy, for he was never forced to stay up way past his bedtime and endure hours of annoying questions in an uncomfortable chair while tears poured from his big, puppy-dog eyes and wails for his mommy echoed throughout the darkened corridors of Bush's underground torture chamber.

"I can't move my arms!" Khadr wails in the chilling video, lifting up his shirt with his toes to reveal either his hairy man-nipples, or the fading scars of torture at the hands of Bush's goons. "Help me!  Help me!"

If it wasn't for the court-ordered release of this damning video, Khadr's cries for help would have never been answered. The heartbreaking story of his sleepless nights and general discomfort would have never been revealed. Nor would the family of of SFC Speer have an opportunity to apologize for the suffering young Khadr was forced to endure because their Gung-Ho son decided to interrupt an innocent teenage slumber party at a baby-milk factory.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that Khadr doesn't deserve some share of the guilt here. But he must be considered innocent until proven guilty by the World Court, and then released back into the wilds of his native Great White North to suckle upon its abundance of hooker-fed bacon and sniveling progressives.

Obama Credits GOP for OBL's Escape

Future President Barack Henry Obama declared this week that Osama Bin Laden is free because of the Republicans...but let's not start showering them with praise just yet. I'm pretty sure they intended to kill him.

As anyone held unjustly at Gitmo or Abu Ghraib can tell you, these warmongering neocon Bushies know nothing about the concept of "innocent until proven guilty". Instead of arresting Bin Laden, reading him his rights, providing him with a court-appointed defense attorney, then releasing him on bail so he could prepare his civil lawsuit against the Bush Administration, it was their full intention to hunt Bin Laden down like an animal and execute him. It was only by pure luck, not the help of the GOP, that the so-called "terrorist" was able to slip out of the U.S. military's murderous grasp.

I admire Obama for attempting to raise the current level of political discourse by offering his opponents a friendly compliment, but make no mistake - the Republicans are under the misguided belief that the 9/11 attacks were not just a felony misdemeanor, but an act of WAR. Given the chance, they would have killed Bin Laden in complete defiance of Barack Obama, John Kerry, and everything Democrats stand for.

CIA Destroys Hillary's Campaign Commercials

Republicans and dirty tricks go hand in hand, but the amount of dirty tricks they've pulled in this election cycle alone could fill a whole new blog category. Now it seems that the CIA has destroyed hundreds of hours worth of video tapes documenting the brutal torture of innocent Muslim prisoners, thus depriving Hillary Clinton and other Democrat candidates of valuable material for their campaign commercials. The videos, taken deep inside secret CIA torture chambers scattered across Europe, are purported to show agents moistening two so-called "Terrorist suspects" and, in all likelihood, mishandling their Qurans in an attempt to extract useless information about non-events. The footage would have gone a long way towards demonstrating how low Republicans will go just to save a few thousand American lives.

Poof! Gone!

With the Bush Junta still stubbornly refusing to parade flag-draped coffins before the TV cameras for our viewing pleasure, and Mike Huckabee's crudely photoshopped images of Joseph Smith buggering a goat on the altar of Satan having been recently debunked, it's a wonder Democrats have anything left to run on at all.

Convenient, isn't it? 

Have You Forgotten?

How many of us can forget that day, six or seven years ago, when George Dumbya Bush sat there on his ass in an elementary school classroom and read a story about a pet goat while commercial aircraft fell from the sky, killing 19 innocent Muslim tourists and 3,000 little Eichmanns?

For liberals, it's a day that will be forever branded onto our collective conscience like a pipe burns on a shag carpet. Yet most of the candlelight vigils and hallucinogenic hootenannies being held across the nation this evening focus more on honoring the so-called "victims" then preventing another, perhaps far more devastating tragedy. With all the billions Bush has poured into  "Homeland Security" and his "War on Terror", the book that started it on still sits on library shelves. The insidious tome that led to two illegal and immoral wars, the theft of billions of gallons of oil from Iraq, Abu Ghraib, Gitmo, and the severe erosion of my esophogus from countless vomit-ins at military recruitment centers, can be easily purchased by any unelected peeResident with 26 bucks and a hankerin' to kill some brown-skinned fellers.

As tireless defenders of the Living, Breathing Constitution, Progressives by nature have a deep aversion to the banning of books - except for maybe Huckleberry Finn. And the Bible. But with a Tennessee redneck poised to steal the GOP nomination - and perhaps even the White House in 2008 - it is far too dangerous for this book to be allowed to exist.

So, in honor of those who lost their lives and their elections thanks to the terrible event that happened on this Day 5 or 6 years ago, I'll be up at Gasworks Park tonight roasting organic marshmallows on a bonfire fueled with copies of Reading Mastery - Level 2 Storybook, aka My Pet Goat. And Huck Finn. And the Bible. You're all invited to join the festivities. Realistically, we probably won't be able to destroy every copy of the book in existence and prevent another illegal and immoral war. But at least we can make an important political statement and show the world that WE haven't forgotten -  while getting really, really stoned in the process.

Report: Al-Qaeda Strength Safely Back to Clintonian Levels

Despite the Bush junta's attempts to keep it buried, a recently obtained classified report confirms that Al Qaeda's strength has returned to pre-9/11 levels. Osama Bin Laden is on the loose, the Taliban has retaken control of Afghanistan, and terrorists are poised to strike the West.

In other words, things are pretty much the way Bill Clinton left them.

It's understandable then why Repugs wouldn't want this infiormation to come to light: it contradicts everything they've been saying since they stole their way into power. All their yammering about duct tape and visqueen and weapons of mass destruction was simply a ploy to control us with fear. Thank Goddess their lies have finally been exposed. We can all sleep soundly tonight knowing that in spite of Bush's best efforts, the so-called "terrorist threat" warrants about as much attention today that President Clinton gave it when he was in charge.

SUV-Driving Doctors Attack Great Britain

We've all witnessed the havoc wrought on our health care system by doctors who turn a profit at the expense of those they are sworn to "serve and protect". Millions of Americans die every year, and Bush's Big Pharmaceutical Buddies are laughing all the way to the bank. Now, it appears as if our national cult of greed has spread across the pond. Two British physicians were arrested last weekend for what appears to be either a scheme to drum up business by maiming & mutilating innocent people, or an elaborate publicity stunt for Chrysler.

On Friday, London police discovered a Mercedes - exactly what you'd expect a doctor to drive -  packed with explosives and parked in front of a West End nightclub. Another wired Mercedes was found later in the morning. The following day, two doctors rammed a Jeep Cherokee into the Glasgow airport terminal. Both men were uninjured by the initial crash, which once again raises serious questions about why these rolling death machines are even allowed on the road. However, one of them suffered severe burns when he covered himself with petrol and struck a match. Lucky for them they staged their attacks in a nation revered for it's progressive health care system. They'll both be receiving their free hysterectomies in five to six months.

As usual, the Freepers wasted no time blaming the attacks on "Islamofascists", yet only far-right media whores like Faux News have even mentioned the nationality or religious beliefs of those involved. That's because the whole argument is irrelevent and designed purely to cast aspersions on the peaceloving Muslim peoples - the vast majority of whom don't even drive SUVs.

No More Blood for Bumper Stickers!

There is no “War on terror”. It’s all a ruse; a cheesy slogan Bush made up to line the pockets of his Big Bumper Sticker buddies. Are John Edwards and I the only ones who have noticed how much the price of bumper stickers has skyrocketed since 9/11? Apparently so, for the sheep-like consumerist hordes keep right on buying them up, as if slapping a patriotic sticker or a yellow ribbon on their SUV’s will somehow assuage their feeling of guilt over the 3,000 fellow Americans they murdered by putting Bush into office. So desperate they are to wash the blood off their hands, they are now sending their own tots overseas to steal Iraq’s bumper stickers.

Perhaps if John Edwards would use his psychic powers to wipe the memory of 9/11 from the minds of the American people as he has erased it from his own, they'd be able focus their limited attention spans on his political campaign or, more importantly, his fantastic hair.

Global War on What?

Democrat leaders have won a major battle in their courageous war on Bush propaganda. In a March 27 memo, the House Armed Services Committee officially banned the term “Global War on Terror” from all documents and discussion, as it unfairly implies that such a war actually exists. To insure that the People’s Business is conducted in a fashion that is as nonpartisan as possible, a system of hand signals will now be used in place of “The Global War on Terror” and other verboten Right-Wing catchphrases.

I’ve painstakingly slopped a few of them together for your perusal. Feel free to implement these signals in your home, workplace, or institution of higher learning.

Cheney Gets a Little "Shock & Awe" of His Own

Dick “Five Deferrments” Cheney, whose daughter is a lesbian, barely escaped justice when an innocent Muslim exploded near his Aghan photo op last Tuesday. I would have wrote about it sooner, but I just now got over the giggling fits.

Gosh, what was all that you said about throngs of adoring terrorists throwing flowers at our feet, Dick? Didn’t quite shower you with hugs and kisses like you had hoped, did they? No sir. Maybe for Nancy Pelosi, but certainly not for you. You’ve burned too many bridges and bombed too many wedding receptions to deserve the love of the freedom fighters you and yours routinely torture for kicks.

It’s called Karma, Dick. You may have dodged it last Tuesday, but eventually you’ll be made to answer for all the innocent women and children you’ve slaughtered in your illegal and immoral war for oil. Someday, all that bad Abu Ghraib karma will come around and bite you in the ass. When it happens, don’t expect any sympathy from us Democrats. You forever lost our friendship when you falsely accused us of being terrorist sympathizers.

Saving American Lives? Not in my Name!

A surprised interviewer got a glimpse at the face of true evil last week when Vice peeResident SElect Dick "Torquemada" Cheney, whose daughter is a lesbian, boasted that he would dunk a terrorist in water if it would save "American lives" of all things.

American lives? I cannot place enough exclamation points at the end of this sentence to adequately express my outrage!!!!!!!

Put aside for a moment that fact that American lives are not Cheney's to save; but are they even worth saving?  Does a society that would sanction the dunking of an innocent terrorist for the sake of self-preservation even deserve to exist?

As a patriotic liberal who spent the weekend vainly hoping his underwear would dry through his pants, I couldn't live with myself knowing that somewhere out there someone was going through the same unspeakable torture just to protect the lives of people who are vastly inferior to me. I encourage other progressives who feel the same way to join their shrill voices with mine and demand that that no more terrorists are dunked, doused, drenched, or moistened in our names.  The lives of the American people are simply not worth it.