BlameBush!

Forever Young

Kudos to a Seattle couple for taking steps to help their daughter realize the dream of eternal youth. Little Ashley was born with irreversible brain damage that has left her both paralyzed and severely retarded. Sure, it's kind of cute now, but as she matures she'll acquire a sort of Schiavoesque creepiness that will prove both embarrassing and inconvenient to her loving parents. While her mind will forever remain that of a nine year old, someday their little Pillow Angel is gonna grow up.

But thanks to breathtaking medical advances, she doesn't have to. With the removal of her uterus and breasts, and a rigorous regimen of hormone therapy, Little Ashley can remain forever frozen at that adorable age just before a young girl becomes a whiny, annoying teen.

Her parents have taken some heat from the Moral Majority, but they insist their decision was made purely in Nancy's best interest. A full-grown mentally retarded woman would be harder to care for, a pain in the ass to lug around, and a real damper at cocktail parties. But with this hopeful new procedure at least they can prop her up in the living room and tell people she's a Cabbage Patch Kid.

As advancements continue, this procedure could perhaps one day be used to help puppies retain their cuddliness, and kittens their cuteness. In the not-so-distant future, doctors will be able to chemically stunt the adopted children of beautiful Hollywood celebrities who enjoy the social status of having a collection of little brown babies, but dread the thought being seen with a sulking, zit-faced teenager.

The possibilities are endless, and shouldn't be hampered by superstitious evangelicals who fear science and see Nazi Germany behind every medical advancement. As much as I despise Hitler for his similarities to Bush, the fact that he supported the practice of eugenics doesn't mean eugenics are evil. Hitler liked Wagner, too, but who among us doesn't enjoy the sound of a fat woman strangling a cat? As long as eugenics are used to make children more appealing and not to create some sort of master race, then it's a science whose time is due.

Bush Kicks Pluto Out of Solar System

Bush’s big astronomy buddies announced this week that Pluto’s planetary status has been officially revoked, and it is no longer welcome in the solar system. Such is the price of dissent in this day and age.

On the bright side, three “dwarf planets” have been admitted into our celestial community – three new additions to Bush’s Galactic Coalition of the Coerced and the Bribed. One can only wonder what kind of deal he struck with all those poor, naive little dwarves. No doubt it involves stealing their oil.

However, I can’t help but question the timing of the whole thing. It’s just a little too coincidental that three whole planets appear out of their cosmic deep freeze now, simultaneously, without any sort of advance warning, and so close to the November elections.

I’m no astronomy expert. The planetarium at Berkeley was closed in violation of local indecency laws, and at Evergreen they simply fed us mushrooms and told us to write down what we saw. But I know enough about the subject to state with 99.9% certainty that heavenly bodies do not just materialize out of thin air for no reason, at least not for an Evangelical peeResident who favors superstition over science. With Bush conveniently off on another one of his alibi-establishing fishing trips, I doubt we’ll be getting any real answers either from him or the dwarves any time soon.

Meteor Passes, Bush Flees

A bright flash of light and a thunderous BOOM woke me screaming from bed this morning. At first, I thought another neighborhood meth lab had exploded. Then I turned on the news to hear that a giant fireball was seen roaring across the morning sky.

Great, I thought. This is really going to whip the 700 Clubbers into a frenzy. With all their idiotic fairy tales about the "end times" and the "tribulation", they're apt to start rioting in the streets, calling for Jaaaay-zus to swoop down in his flying saucer and whisk them all up to Heaven. Superstitious, biblethumping morons. They never cease to amaze me the way they allow their pathetic lives to be ruled a mystical belief system with no basis on reality or science. And to think that these space cases are running the White House!

Later that morning, I learned that the CIA's head spook has mysteriously resigned and Bush is fleeing the country. It's deja vu all over again...although ol' Dubya didn't even hang around to read comic books to school kids this time.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised - Nostradamus predicted all this centuries ago:

"After a great misery, an even greater approaches, The great motor of the cycles is renewed: Raining blood, milk, famine, iron and pestilence, In the sky will be seen a fire, dragging a trail of sparks.
 
Mabus will soon fall, then will come a horrible cackling, followed by a faint whirring sound. At once one will see vengeance, one hundred days of power, thirst, famine, when the comet will pass."

Fearful of religious persecution, Nostradamus wrote all his predictions using anagrams, metaphors, and complete gibberish to throw the right-wing nutjobs off his trail. But with the help of an ordinary ouija board, a deck of tarot cards, and some past-life regression, I'm able to decipher most of his quatrains. maBUS(H) is, of course, Bush. Just get rid of the first two letters and add an H, and his name is as clear as Roma Downey's urine. But if you take the "b" in "Mabus" and flip it, you come up with "MadUS", which isn't only an indictment of a nation gone insane, but also "Sudam" backwards. So obviously, this particular passage describes the ying and yang dichotomy between George Bush and Saddam Hussein - psychically bonded Gemini brothers, yet also polar opposites. Not much different than the a large reflecting disk counters bad feng shui. I'd bet my dreamcatcher that The Dark One of Hopi prophecy is Bush as well.

So don't let the door hit your amethyst on the way out, Tenet.

Conservatives are Dumb

YEP, it's Official: conservatives are dumb.

A recent study at my ol' alma mater, UC Berkeley, concluded that the basic elements of conservative thinking are fear, agression, hatred, ignorance, racism, and cognitive uncertainty. It other words, conservatives are neanderthals.

Berkeley actually tested 100 conservative volunteers, asking them simple questions like "If your daughter was a lesbian, would you pay for her abortion?" and "How many poor, black children will have to die before you'll support a tax hike?" Most conservatives tested couldn't answer the questions, or simply refused to do so. Three out of every 10 subjects threatened the researchers with violence.

But of course, none of this is news to us; we've heard Geedumbya talk. The man can't even pronounce "nuclear", for goddess' sake. How are we supposed to get affordable health care for seniors when the pee-resident can't even string a few words together? Working families have to eat dog food so they can afford their sex change operations, and all he can think of is "Me smash Iraq. Me pound evil doers! RArrrgh!"

It's time we got someone in the White House with the intellectual firepower of a Dick Gephardt or a Walter Mondale. Maybe Jocelyn Elders could be persudaded to run.