BlameBush!

Rush Limbaugh's Anal Cysts Attack Our Idiot Troops

Let me preface this post by reminding everyone that Rush Limbaugh has anal cysts, and he is therefore prohibited by law from having any opinion on the war that contradicts my own. So while I'm a strong believer in a First Amendment right to Free Speech tempered with a Democrat-crafted Doctrine of Fairness, I was so outraged by Fatty Pillpopper's verbal assault on our babykilling troops that I canceled the weekly flag-burning rally at Camp Larry to voice my anger over his remarks.

Rush McFatso Limbaugh, for those of you who haven't already been told what to think of him, is a right-wing, hate-mongering hater who uses The People's Airwaves to spew his vile hate-speech into the primitive, insect brains of the dittohead masses. Anyone who listens to his hateful tirades risks becoming one of his mindless neo-con herd. Thank Goddess we have Democrat leaders like Harry Reid to listen to Limbaugh's show for us and whittle his entire 3-hour program down to two words.

For your own safety, I won't repeat those two words here. Suffice it to say that Limbaugh, who has anal cysts, launched an unspeakable attack on our beloved troops. You know who I'm talking about: the baby-killing, Quran-mishandling, hired guns for Halliburton who only joined the service because they were too poor or too stupid to get into an Ivy League college of John Kerry's choosing, or simply because they wanted to rape and murder innocent civilians for kicks.

I guess this dispels once and for all the right-wing myth that conservatives support the troops more than liberals do. Aside from the Butchers of Haditha, the Sadists of Abu Ghraib, the Lap Dancers of Gitmo, unscrupulous recruiters, military leaders who don't enjoy gay sex, the entire United States Marine Corps, anyone who has ever killed someone in combat, and any right-wing shill who speaks out in favor of the war - liberals have nothing but huggles and kissies for those who wear the uniform. Especially those who are immune to Bush's jingoist brainwashing.

So it's especially infuriating that Limbaugh should attack soldiers who openly criticize Bush's illegal and immoral war, as those are the only kinds of troops who deserve and have the respect of progressives everywhere. So much so that we won't humiliate them by checking their credentials before we wheel them out to denounce the U.S.'s imperialist acts of aggression.

AND THE NEOCON CHICKENHAWKS HAVE THE NERVE TO CALL US UNPATRIOTIC!!!!

Earth Has a Fever, Uranus Has Cysts.

When it comes to global warming, one of the most idiotic talking points in the right-wing's arsenal is if the ice caps are melting on Mars, Earth's warming trend couldn't possibly be caused by humans. As with anything cons say, the exact opposite is true. The bfacts is that the bizarre weather conditions seen on Mars and other planets are undeniable proof that the ecological destruction Bush has wrought on our own world is spreading like a virus to others in our solar system.

If Earth truly has a fever as the prophet Al Gore says, then Mars has a severe runny nose.  Neptune has a persistent cough. Mercury has the clap - probably something it picked up from that slut, Venus. Jupiter has herpes. Saturn has ringworm.  Pluto isn't considered a planet any more and is probably just feeling a little depressed.  Uranus, of course, has cysts.

Al Gore has been deeply troubled about Uranus for some time, but he's never been able to put his finger on it. Frankly, there are some in Congress who would prefer he keep his nose out of Uranus completely. But if Uranus has cysts, you don't bicker over ointments. You take it to the doctor, and the first name that comes up in any discussion about Uranus is Al Gore. In fact, Al Gore quite possibly knows more about Uranus than your anus knows about Uranus or, for that matter, what Uranus knows about you. He's certainly more of an authority on Uranus than Rush Limbaugh, who weaseled out of the illegal and immoral war in Vietnam for reasons that I would rather not delve into.

So there's really no point in debating it.

Rush Limbaugh Has Anal Cysts

“RUSH LIMBAUGH HAS ANAL CYSTS! RUSH LIMBAUGH HAS ANAL CYSTS!” I screamed it loud, and I screamed it over and over again until my voicebox ruptured and my ginseng suppository shot through the seat of my panties like Grampa’s Buick through a crowd of Santa Monica tourists. “RUSH LIMBAUGH HAS ANAL CYSTS!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Maybe so,” the officer replied, “but it doesn’t change the fact that you were doing 75 in a school zone.”

“Was I?” I shot back. “Or are you simply afraid to hear the truth about Rush Limbaugh’s anal cysts?”

That’s how these repug sheeple are. Their tiny, reptilian brains are incapable of producing any semblance of an independent thought, so they let Fatty Pillpopper do their thinking for them. He uses his hate-radio platform to fill their empty heads with his right-wing lies, which they then regurgitate word-for-word at every opportunity. Tragically, they do so completely oblivious to the existence of Rush Limbaugh’s anal cysts.

His are no ordinary anal cysts, either, for when he used them to dodge the Vietnam draft they became infused with mystical powers that magically disqualify any opinion he has on any issue, from the illegal and immoral war in Iraq to stem cell research. Too bad for him, but lucky for progressives because it saves us the trouble of having to debate any of his insane viewpoints. Now if we could only make his brainwashed dittohead hordes open their eyes and see Rush Limbaugh’s anal cysts in all their festering, pus-filled glory, they’d have no choice but to abandon him for the lying liar he is and obediently follow a progressive leader instead - someone whose minty-fresh anus is free of cysts or other unsightly blemishes.

That’s why I was barreling through Ballard on my lunch break, shouting “RUSH LIMBAUGH HAS ANAL CYSTS!” out the window when I got pulled over by the gestapo.

“RUSH LIMBAUGH HAS ANAL CYSTS!” I screeched at the cop again, in case he didn’t hear me the other 117 times. “RUSH LIMBAUGH HAS ANAL CYSTS!”

Herr Flatfoot smirked and continued to furiously scribble on his little Nazi notepad.

“Hey, I passed your Nazi field sobriety test!” I reminded the little oinker. “What in the name of Rush Limbaugh’s anal cysts are you writing me a ticket for?”

“Besides speeding?” he asked incredulously. “Reckless driving. Disturbing the Peace. And I’m pretty sure there’s a law in the books against operating a motor vehicle completely naked except for a pair of green panties with an Irish flag on the crotch.”

“For your information,” I informed him, “these are PROTOTYPE HEMP PANTIES, specially designed to lower my carbon footprint and reduce global warming. Now can I PLEASE get back into my car? I’m freezing my fricking BALLS off!”

He ignored my polite request and marched back to his motorcycle, mumbling into his C.B. for a few seconds before goosestepping back to where I patiently waited.

“What the matter?” I taunted him. “Gotta get the papal nod from Rush before you bash my brains out with your penis extension?”

“Sir, or whatever you are,” he said with a sneer, “I’m going to let you off with a warning this time. We just got a 911 call that someone lit up a cigarette a few blocks down, and I want to get there before the SWAT guys hog all the parking spots. Have a nice day.”

I watched as the jackbooted stormtrooper sped away, wondering if I had even made a dent, if I had managed to crack through his thick repug skull and open his puny mind to the truth about Rush Limbaugh’s Anal Cysts. Probably not. I decided to send him my 300 page manifesto on Rush Limbaugh’s Anal Cysts, just in case.

Hitching up my panties, I returned to my car.

The door was locked. Sweet Mother of Rush Limbaugh’s Anal Cysts, someone had locked my Gaia-damned keys in the car!

That’s what I get for trying to educate these stupid cons.