BlameBush!

Al Sharpton Emerges from Burrow, Declares One More Year of White Guilt

It's become a tradition. On the 22nd day of every January, the Reverends Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson crawl out from their respective burrows. If they don't see their shadows, it means that Dr. King's Dream is yet unrealized, and White America must spend another year flagellating itself for the sins of slavery. If, on the other hand, their shadows do appear, then Dr. King's Dream has at last been realized, and both of these well-respected Black leaders will fade into obscurity.

Sadly, Al Sharpton's elusive shadow was a no-show again this year. Dr. King's Dream, it seems, is still unrealized.

"There are many who have said we are beyond race," Sharpton explained to the disappointed crowd. "But what happened in Jena reminded this country you still have not dealt with the problems of racism."

Sharpton was, of course, referring to the infamous "Jena Six" incident in which six African-American students ambushed and beat a White teen unconscious, then continued to kick and stomp him until they were arrested like common criminals. To the astonishment of everyone, the Black students all faced counts of second-degree attempted murder, while the White boy was never charged - neither for the rape of Tawana Brawley nor for the aforementioned sins of slavery - sins which he has yet to atone for by sending Al Sharpton a check.

So yes, even though Hillary is poised to become our first Black Female President, I'm afraid that we have yet to realize Dr. King's dream of an America where gangs of Black teenagers can brutally assault White kids without any legal repercussions. Until we do, please continue to make your checks payable to the National Action Network or the Rainbow/Push Coalition.

New Jersey Finally Apologizes for Slavery

After 160 years of stubborn denial, New Jersey is just now getting around to admitting that slavery was wrong and has officially apologized for it. This is fantastic news for former slaves who have been sitting around all this time patiently waiting for some sort of mea culpa. However, there is still no word from any former slaves as to whether the apology will be accepted.  In fact, they have remained strangely silent for decades.

Is it any surprise?  If you were abducted from your home, shipped thousands of miles across the sea to a cruel and hostile land, thrown into chains, and then constantly pulled over by State Troopers for no reason whatsoever, I expect you'd be a little reluctant to have a friendly chat with those responsible your suffering. After what America did to them, I wouldn't blame the former slaves if they told New Jersey to stick that apology up it's rich White ass.

Shocking Lack of Latino-Americans in Bush's Cabinet

For a man who claims to be a "friend" of the Hispanic Community, Bush has a surprising shortage of Latino faces in his cabinet. His whole administration is nothing but good ol' boys from stem to racist stern. A better example of why affirmative action is still necessary could not be found.

But then again, if Bush was forced to diversify his cabinet and hire a Mexican or two, he'd probably find some lame, drummed up excuse to fire them - or at least harass them over the idiotic charges until they resign. That's just the kind of racist he is, and why they aren't kidding when they call it "The Bush WHITE House".

Hyde Park Burning

My childhood dream of living life as a Vietnamese woman was a phase I unfortunately outgrew. Barack Obama, on the other hand, has stuck by his decision to be a Black man in an Anglocentric society even despite all the obvious dangers - dangers that are likely to increase as he draws closer to winning the presidency and becomes more of a threat to the White establishment. It's a harsh reality that must be especially troubling to his family.

Yet when asked in a 60 Minutes interview yesterday if she feared that he would become the target of racist violence, Osama's wife, Yomama, replied:

"The realities are that, you know, as a black man, you know, Barack can get shot going to the gas station."

Indeed he can, and most likely by his own chaffeur. Yomama's composure notwithstanding, only a thin sheet of glass protects Obama from whatever White Republican Klansman sits up front behind the wheel.

It's a shame, isn't it, that even in this day and age an educated Black man like Obama is still forced to ride in the back of the limo? America, it appears, is still far away from realizing Dr. King's dream. That's all Yomama was trying to say, you racist bastards.

Barack Obama, America's Second Black President!

Having officially announced the formation of an exploratory committee to consider the possibility of perhaps maybe making a run for the White House, Barack Obama is poised to become the nation’s second Black President. Not if the RepugniKKKans can help it though. Like the vile bigots they are, they’re already making plans to run someone against him, someone who will probably be white- or not Black enough, and someone who will be sure to get millions of votes. It seems that White America isn't as colorblind as it would like to believe.

Yes, Obama will certainly face the same obstacles of institutionalized racism and bigotry along the campaign trail that our first Black President did. Unfortunately, Bill Clinton will be too busy making plans to become our first Black First Lady to offer Obama any words of advice.

That’s no way to treat a brutha, and as much as I adore Bill Clinton I’m beginning to suspect that he’s a house negro.

Nazi Trees Assault Jewish Man at Seattle Airport

Hate-fuelled violence erupted at Seattle-Tacoma International Airport last weekend when an innocent Rabbi was attacked and severely beaten by a gang of festively decorated confers.

Rabbi Elazar Bogomilsky’s visit to Sea-Tac was meant to honor the rich Hanukkah custom of placing the sacred Menorah in areas that reek of urine and dirty socks. Instead, the Rabbi was brutally assaulted by a pair of Douglas Firs. As a crowd of shoeless onlookers watched helplessly, the elaborately decorated trees held him down while a tinsel-clad Blue Spruce repeatedly punched him in the liver. A colorful arrangement of Poinsettias then tossed the rabbi down a moving escalator while flashing the Nazi salute and shouting anti-semitic slogans. Airport security arrived, if only moments too late, arresting six Holiday Trees and a small Rhododendron who referred to a female officer as “Sugar Tits”.

Rabbi Bogomilsky is listed in serious but stable condition at Seattle’s Harborview Medical Center. Two Mexican landscapers armed with pruning shears are stationed outside his door at this very moment to protect him from any further attacks from brightly festooned shrubbery. The Port of Seattle hastily removed all the holiday decorations from the airport and announced plans to install “Diversity Kiosks”, where visitors can enjoy a variety of nine-dollar beers in a welcoming environment of multicultural bliss while a mentally-challenged Lithuanian rummages through their luggage.

All the usual hate-radio suspects are making light of last weekend’s tragedy, but the incident is a perfect example of the terrible threats minority Americans face on a daily basis from coniferous trees adorned with sparkly lights, or any other symbols of the Holiday season, Christian and secular.

Can the Black Community Survive Hurricane Kramer?

Last week, a well-known and beloved comedian used his act as a platform to spew racial slurs and epithets. Then, after Chris Rock concluded his show in a standing ovation, Michael "Kramer" Richards launched into an unprovoked racist tirade against two helpless African Americans in the audience, utterly destroying their lives and throwing the civil rights movement back 2000 years.

In response, the Reverend Jesse Jackson called for the Black Community to boycott all Seinfeld DVDs or any other sitcoms produced by or starring Hymies. He also demanded that racial slurs be banned entirely, along with such derogatory expressions as "Extortionist", "Shakedown Artist", "Demagogue" and "Adulterer". In addition, the Reverend Al Sharpton demanded that the phrase "Oh shut your self-righteous cakehole, you bloated jackass" be stricken from the English language.

Wonderful suggestions from two esteemed, self-appointed leaders of the Black Community. However, I'm afraid they don't go far enough to stem the tide of racial bigotry that Kramer unleashed. His vile words reopened the Old Wounds of Slavery - wounds that usually only reappear around election time and can only be healed by piling large sums of cash upon the esteemed, self-appointed leaders of the Black Community.

Sedition is protected under the first amendment guarantees of free speech, yes. Hate Speech is not. A hefty fine must be exacted on all those who commit the unforgiveable crime of uttering the N-Word or it's equally offensive substitute, "The N-word". The resulting revenue would be deposited into a Swiss bank account registered in the name of the Rainbow / PUSH Coalition so that it can be used to the betterment of the Black Community.

Unfortunately, enforcing such anti-hatespeech laws would be next to impossible. It would probably be more realistic to simply impose a national N-Word Tax, as most people have spoken the N-Word sometime in their lives or plan to do so in the future. Rap artists and progressive bloggers would be of course be exempt. Tough measures for time tough times, but I'm sure that had Dr. King dodged Pappy Bush's deadly bullet, he would have wholeheartedly approved.

The Black Community survived slavery. It survived Hurricane Katrina. It will quite possibly survive Cosmo Kramer, too. But can it ever forgive him?

Perhaps. But not until Uncle Jesse gets his benjamins.

Republican Senator Uttered N-Word; Wore Inadequate Amount of Bling

It's less than two months until the November elections, and RepugniKKKans are finding it difficult to conceal their true racist colors.

It seems that while Bush went AWOL from the Texas Air National Guard to drag Black men to death behind his pick-up truck, Virginia Senator George Allen (R) was spewing racial epiphets around his college campus like a busted sewer main. According to some of his University of Virginia classmates, Allen used the N-Word frequently in the 1970’s, and without wearing the appropriate amount of bling.

Allen insists that while he did indeed use the N-Word, it was only in the process of "bustin' some rhymes" with his homies, Sen. Robert Byrd and Gov. George Wallace, and that they all displayed the regulation amount of bling. The Black Community, for which I am the self-appointed voice of, remains unconvinced by his explanation. Such esteemed Democrat leaders would never associate with a known racist.

Hurricane Katrina; Has America Forgotten?

This week marked the one year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina, which means it’s time for white Americans to look into the mirror and ask themselves what they have done to make life easier for the millions of impoverished Blacks they allowed to drown in New Orleans. The answer is, to put it bluntly, diddly squat. Despite all the promises to rebuild the Chocolate City and restore it to its original chocolatey goodness, houses ripped from their foundations still rest in the middle of the streets, with large crowds of local politicians standing around wondering what Bush is going to do about it. Parts of the Gulf of Mexico are still completely underwater. The thousands who fled Louisiana haven't been offered enough cash incentives to come back, and the grinning skeletons of entire Black families who remained behind carpet the rooftops to this day, patiently waiting for rescue teams that will never come.

We can never completely repay African-Americans for what we did to them in New Orleans, nor can we ever wash the blood of slavery off our hands. But there are meaningless little gestures we can make to show the Black community that we at least care enough to pretend like we give damn about their suffering. Naming a street in your community after Dr. Martin Luther King, for instance. Giving Halle Berry an Oscar. And most importantly, understanding that African Americans are essentially helpless children who need constant nurturing to survive.

About ten years ago, I noticed a homeless African-American man panhandling on the street corner outside my apartment building. Realizing that as a white man I was somehow responsible for his sorry state of affairs, I felt obligated to make amends. So I gave the poor man a crisp ten dollar bill, and he thanked me profusely.

The next day, I passed the same guy begging for change again. I gave him another ten bucks as I walked by. “Blesh you shir,” he slurred. “Gah Blesh you!” I shook my head and reminded him that the money was his by rights. In an anglo-centric system of White Privilege built through the exploitation of African slaves, every dollar a white person earns is essentially stolen from a black person - or from any other minority (except for those damn Asians who are practically house Negroes because they work hard and don't complain).

On third day, the poor guy was still out there on the corner but he didn’t even bother to thank me when I gave him another ten dollars. He just nodded as if he had expected it. Nevertheless, I gave him ten dollars every single day for the next two or three weeks. By the end of the month, rent was due and I was a little short on cash, so I had to skip my reparations payments for a while. Then one afternoon as I was knitting macrame bong sweaters for Hempfest '96, there came a loud pounding on my door.

“YO, WHERE’S MY MONEY, BITCH?” A familiar voice shouted from the hall. “I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE! OPEN UP!"

"I'm broke!" I cried. "I don't have any money to give you!"

“LIAR!" he growled back at me. "YOU TOOK ME FROM AFRICA AND BROUGHT ME OVER HERE IN CHAINS! NOW I WANT MY FORTY ACRES AND A MULE!!!”

As a progressive American sensitive to the plight of the oppressed hyphenated peoples, and aware that as a White American I am to totally blame for it, how could I possibly argue with him? I quickly slipped my credit card under the door, and listened as his footsteps dwindled away down the hall.

That was the last I heard from him until a couple weeks ago, when he knocked on my door as I was knitting bong sweaters for Hempfest '06. I looked through the peephole and saw a transformed man. Clean cut, shaven, and wearing a nice suit, he was almost completely indistinguishable from the downtrodden street bum I had met ten years before.

“I want to shake your hand,” he said when I opened the door and greeted him. “Before I met you, I was a broken man, and convinced that I was totally to blame for my condition. But your stup...err, generosity opened my eyes. Thanks to you, I was able to rise up out of the gutter and begin a rewarding and lucrative career transforming white guilt into cold hard cash. Now I'm running for Congress in the State of Maryland, and I'm counting on your support.”

“Of course, Mr. Mfume!" I agreed, beaming with pride. "I'll be more than happy to help in any way I can! I'll campaign, I'll pass out flyers, whatever you want!"

“Actually," he replied, clearing his throat, "they cancelled your credit card. I ‘ll need a new one.”

Later that evening, as I crawled onto the mountain of delinquent credit card bills and “pay or vacate notices” I've been sleeping on since I pawned my flotation tank, I congratulated myself on a job well done. In a small way, I had fulfilled my duty as the descendent of people with the same color skin as slave owners to enrich the lives of people with the same color skin as slaves 150 years in the grave.

No longer can the racist great, great, great, great grandchildren of plantation owners use the fact that they weren't even alive during the era of slavery to escape their responsibility for the plight of African-Americans. Hurricane Katrina will make sure of that. Like Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday, it will forever serve as an annual booster shot of white guilt.

Bush Crashes Coretta Scott King Funeral

Poor ol’ Dumbya must have felt a little like Vanilla Ice on Showtime at the Apollo when he swaggered into Coretta Scott King’s funeral uninvited and unannounced this morning. I wish I could have seen the look on his stupid chimp face when he was greeted with angry boos and razzberries by the predominantly Black congregation!

Can you blame them? After all, it is Bush who has single-handedly returned African-Americans to a state of slavery with his extremist policies. My Black readers need not concern themselves with exactly what those policies are – there are plenty of wise and trustworthy leaders in your community who are more than happy to do your thinking for you. Suffice it to say that Bush caused Hurricane Katrina because of his hatred for Blacks, and for that he shall receive nothing but the same from us in return.

Isn’t that what Coretta Scott King's life was really all about? Dr. King’s message of brotherhood and tolerance between people of all races looks really nice embroidered on a pillow, but nothing gets your souls to the polls like a strong, unified hatred for Republicans in power. With the help of civil rights leaders like Rev. Joseph Lowery, Mrs. King transformed her husband’s limp-wristed Southern Christian Leadership Conference into a powerful force for bringing about social and economic equality through the demonization of Rich White Dudes. Rich White Dudes, mind you, who are the only ones keeping the sons and daughters of former slaves from getting the piles of free cash they deserve.

Both Rev. Lowery and Nobel Laureate Jimmy Carter have taken some heat for their remarks today, but I think they displayed remarkable courage to publicly criticize the peeResident in a time when it is highly dangerous to do so. Freedom of speech no longer exists in this country, and they both took their lives into their own hands to remind the world of Coretta King’s lifelong opposition to Bush's illegal and immoral War on Terror. It was also a stroke of genius to say what they did in front of thousands of witnesses. If they had uttered those exact same words in private, the Reverend would be selling Peanut Jim for a carton of Lucky Strikes at Gitmo right about now.

So excuse me if I don’t cry a river because that Texas bigot got pelted with a few rancid tomatoes. It’s the least he deserves for over 2000 years of white male hegemony. Dr. King would agree. And so will his wife, if they manage to get all those animatronic gizmos working in time for the Democratic National Convention.