BlameBush!

Election Watch 2008: Republicans Infiltrating Polling Places

This just in: Townhall.com is reporting that Republicans have infiltrated several polling places in Philly and are attempting to vote.  In other areas, poll watchers who were exposed as being Republicans were thrown out before they could make any Obama supporters feel uncomfortable.

The good news is that if you live in the Philadelphia and vote in the 44th Ward, 12th and 13th divisions; 6th Ward, 12th division; or the 32nd Ward, Division 28, these precincts have all been purged of Republicans and have been deemed "voting sanctuaries" where registered and unregistered Democrat voters can cast as many ballots as they want without being glared at.

Election Watch 2008: Voter Intimidation at the Polls!

There are reports that some of McSame's brownshirts stormed a Philly polling center this morning and dragged off two Black Panthers. Most of us remember how Bush had pigs drive around polling places in 2000 and 2004 to scare away any Black voters who were escaped felons or had outstanding arrest warrants. So the Black Panthers came out to perform a vital community service this election: protecting citizens from any groups of militant racists who might try to sway their vote.

So be careful out there. Watch your back, and don't be intimidated by the White Devil.

Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches for Everyone

John McSame has been spreading scurrilous rumors that Obama is a "socialist". Ugly, horrible, right-wing lies from a lying Repug whose entire campaign has been one smear after another.  Obama would be well within his rights to sue McSame for slander, or at the very least have him referred to a reeducation facility until such a time that a renewed Fairness Doctrine can silence such right-wing hate speech. But our future President is as merciful as he is witty, and chose instead to counter McShame's smears with a one-two punch of good ol' progressive humor.

"I don't know what's next. By the end of the week, he'll be accusing me of being a secret communist because I shared my toys in kindergarten. I shared my peanut butter and jelly sandwich."

And that's all Obama wants to do, really. He just wants to share his peanut butter and jelly sandwich with all the people of this country. Well, not quite everyone. Just those who need it the most. And it's not exactly HIS peanut butter and jelly sandwich he wants to share, either. After 8 long years of Bush's failed capitalist policies, the nation's peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are now unfairly concentrated in the hands of a small few. While the proletariat has been living hand to mouth, the richest 1% have been gorging themselves on sandwiches made from the peanut butter and jelly of the working class. In fact, the sole reason you don't have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is because a rich guy somewhere has two. Obama just wants to liberate a few peanut butter and jelly sandwiches from their greedy cakeholes and spread them around a little, so that all Americans can have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It's not Socialism, it's compassion. And President Obama plans to be pretty compassionate with other peoples' peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, believe you me.

Obama Ready for International SAT

Sen. Joe Biden is taking some heat from the Drudge-swilling morons of the Rethugnikkan Right for his prophetic warning Sunday that President Obama will be "tested" by one of America's "enemies" within his first six months in office.

At first, I thought he was talking about Joe the Plumber, but what Biden is actually referring to is an event akin to the "Hainan Island Incident" of 2001, in which a U.S. spy plane was damaged by a Chinese fighter jet and forced to land on Hainan Island. Bush buckled under the pressure of his neocon advisors and never offered the Chinese government the sincere apology that they deserved for our invasion of their sovereign airspace. He was tested by the International Community, and he failed.

Obama, on the other hand, is perfectly willing to sit down with the leaders of any nations that we have disagreements with and apologize profusely for any wrongs we've committed. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Obama offers a premptive apology to Iran, China, North Korea, or any other nation that might attack us in the future. That's diplomacy, folks. And that's TRUE leadership.

As Biden said, it may be the unpopular thing to do, but it's the right thing to do, and President Obama will need our full support . Personally, I intend to give him all the support that progressives gave Chimpy McShrub.

Colin Powell: A House Negro No More!

Former Uncle Tom, House Negro, and unrepentant war criminal, Colin Powell, gave his coveted endorsement to Barack Obama last weekend, hailing our future President as a "transformational figure".

Transformational, indeed! Saturday night, Powell was a still just a lapdog of the Bush Junta, a lying liar who lied about WMD's in Iraq, and had blood on his hands for the millions of innocent Iraqis that Bush murdered so he could steal their oil.  But on Monday morning, Powell crawled out of his bed a "man of courage", a "true patriot", and a "great American". That's quite a transformation. And all he had to do to cleanse himself of his past sins was declare his unconditional love for Obama.

When it comes right down to it, blind devotion is all Obama really asks of any of us.  In return, he annointest us with hope, change, and free health care until our cup runneth over. Even DicKKK Halliburton Cheney, Rummy RumselKKKd, and KKKarl Rove can be absolved of their crimes - and cured of various maladies ranging from male-pattern baldness to racism - if they simply drop to their knees and declare fealty to our future President, Barack Obama.  And he will be our president, as long as the superstitious, bible-clinging evangelical nutjobs of the GOP don't get in his way.

McSame's Lipsticked Pig Unwittingly Campaigns for Obama

These are desperate times for John McSame. His lipstick-adorned pig has been on the attack all day, erroneously claiming that Barack Obama has ties to Bill Ayers - an Anti-American Marxist who blew up buildings, murdered police officers and judges, and plotted a violent overthrow of the U.S. Government in the 1960's.

She actually says it like it's a bad thing. Why Palin would want to energize Obama's base is beyond me. But that's beside the point, because everything she said is a LIE.  Barack Obama merely helmed a couple of Chicago anti-poverty projects with Ayers. I don't know about you guys, but if I refused to participate in any progressive organizations that had a known domestic terrorist on it's board, I'd never get anything done.

Ayers also held a small fundraiser for Obama's first run for office, but Obama assures us that he didn't know about Ayer's romantic past any more than he knew Reverend Wright was plagiarizing Louis Farrakhan's sermons.

This is all ancient history, anyway. Obama was only 8 years old when Ayers was planting pipe bombs at Military dances. GET OVER IT, PEOPLE!  Ayers is a Distinguished Professor at the University of Illinois at Chicago now, which is both a testament to the quality of the school and Ayer's committment to social justice. Besides, if Obama refused to take money from every America-hating Marxist who supported his candidacy, he would have only three cents in his war chest with which to fight the dishonorable John McSame.

Cowardly McShame Quits Debates

John McShame has always been a quitter. He quit the Naval Academy to become a pilot. He went to Aviator School to learn to fly a fighter plane, then he quit flying just to lounge around a hotel in Hanoi for five years. He quit soaking up the hospitality of the Vietnamese People and came back to the states, where he quit his wife and family. Then in 1981, he up and quit the military to become Senator of Arizona. This year, he decided to quit being a senator and run for peeResident. Now, surprise! suprise!, he's announced that he's quitting the presidential debates, claiming that the American People need their elected leaders to be in Washington right now, working out a deal to save our ailing economy.

Wrong again, Chimpy McShame!  What the American People need right now is leadership! What the American People need is to gaze upon the angelic visage of Barack Obama and know that everything's going to be alright. Their mortages being forclosed, their jobs being shipped overseas, and their health care costs going through the roof, the American People yearn to tune into the television Friday night and have a politician telling them exactly what they want to hear, yet saying nothing. Obama's been doing just that since the start of his campaign. He means to do it tomorrow night as well, whether the coward McShame decides to show up, or not.

Hacked Emails Reveal Sarah Palin's Poor Emoticon Etiquette

When Sarah Palin was given a court order to turn her private emails over to the Obama campaign, she flatly refused. Now, a resourceful group of patriots have liberated those emails from her illegal and immoral inbox, revealing a dark truth about the Alaskan pigslut that may put the final nail in her political coffin:

Sarah Palin doesn't know how to use emoticons.

I'll spare you all the gorey details about the actual content of the emails. It's of little consequence when you look at the big picture and realize with shock and horror that the Governor of Alaska and possible Vice PeeResident wouldn't know a smiley from a lipstick-smeared pig.

First of all, she constantly puts a dashed line indicating a nose in her smiley, which hardly anyone in Washington does anymore:

Killed and gutted a baby moose with my teeth today! :-)

Palin may think it makes her look like an outsider, but it's really just annoying.

In some emails, the emoticon is backwards, or has too many spaces between the eyes and the mouth:

My daughter's child was conceived with a Kenyan Witch doctor on the altar of Satan! (  -  :

If that's the way Palin draws her smilies, imagine how much more she'll screw up our economy.

In other instances, her sentences are alarmingly missing an emoticon altogether, leaving the reader at a total loss as to whether she was being sincere or sarcastic:

I hope this Down's Syndrome Kid I'm cursing with the gift of life doesn't turn out to be queer.

Such a lack of transparency in government is par for the Repug course, but Palin goes too far.

We already know that McCain can't use a keyboard. Now he wants to put a woman who doesn't have any clue about proper emoticon usage just a heartbeat away from the Presidency?  Thankfully, Americans have been awakened to Palin's gross incompetence now, before she managed to steal her way into office.

Don't get me wrong - I by no means condone what those hackers did. But I find it ironic that the same neocons who turned a blind eye as Bush listened in on Al Qaeda's phone calls, are now crying "invasion of pricacy" when it has happened to someone that progressives don't like.

Bush/McSame Forcing My Grandma to Eat Dog Food Right Out of the Can

With the economy collapsing all around us, I decided to give my dear, sweet Grandmother a call today to see how she was holding up.

"HOW YA DOIN, YA OL' BAT?  HOW'S YOUR RETIREMENT NEST EGG HOLDING UP?"

There was no reply, but I could hear the dried up ol' hag wheezing like an asthmatic terrier.

"I GUESS JOHN MCSAME REALLY DID A NUMBER ON YOU, DIDN'T HE?" I pressed her.

"How does John McCain have anything to do with what's going on with the banking system?" Grandma finally spoke up. Too bad it was just another stupid Repug talking point.

"JOHN MCSAME VOTED WITH BUSH 90% OF THE TIME!!!!" I politely reminded her.

"And exactly which bills did he vote with Bush on that are responsible for the current economic downturn?"

You can always tell when the cons have been pre-programmed by their talk radio masters, because they'll question everything you say as if they actually have the ability (and the right) to debate you on your intellectually superior level.

"Did Rush Limbaugh tell you to ask me that?" I shot back at her. "I bet he forgot to also tell you that John McSame voted with George Bush 90% of the time.  Think about that when you're eating dog food right out of the can this winter while the greedy CEO's enjoy their obnoxious severance packages paid for with the blood of innocent Iraqi children."

"I'm done talking to you," Grandma snapped, her tiny reptilian brain no match for a progressive's enlightened mind.

"Fine," I replied. "Put Gramps on."

"Your grandfather passed away six months ago."

"Oh...too bad. I guess I missed the funeral."

"His last words were, 'keep that commie jackass away from my funeral'," Grandma informed me, tearing my heart right out of my chest and tearing it to shreds.  So much for "Compassionate Conservatism".

"That's a shame," I sighed. "I'm sure Gramps would've wanted to know that John McSame voted with Bush 90% of the time."

"I'm sure it would've completely changed his mind about John McCain," Grandma uncharacteristically agreed.

"Yeah?"

"Oh yes. It might have turned him into a McCain supporter."

The shriveled old Nazi can sure be sassy when she's cornered by liberal logic, but she tipped her hole card with that snotty remark.

"And I suppose you're voting for that senile old geezer who can't use a keyboard, thinks he invented the Blackberry, wants to enslave Whoopi Goldberg, and voted with Bush 90% of the time," I asked.

"I haven't decided yet," she snipped.

"He called that dizzy wife of his a c*nt!"

"I'm sure you've called her alot worse."

"AHHAAAAAA!  GOIN' NEGATIVE ARE YA? YOU REPUGS CAN'T RESIST DRAGGING THIS ELECTION AND THE AMERICAN PEOPLE RIGHT DOWN INTO THE MUD WITH YOU, CAN YOU? YOU NAZI RACISTS CAN'T DEBATE THE FACTS, SO YOU ATTACK, ATTACK, ATTACK!!!!"

"Goodbye!" Grandma chirped, and hung up on me before I could remind her that John McSame voted with Bush 90% of the time.

I'll swing by tomorrow with a couple cans of Alpo.

Sarah Palin Has Cooties

Poor Repuglikkkans think they have a dream ticket on their hands, but startling revelations are now coming to light that will put the final nail in the coffin of John McSame's illegal and immoral candidacy: Sarah Palin has cooties.

Apparently, McSame didn't thoroughly vett his darling little bimbot before choosing her for his running mate. Then again, the senile old man doesn't know how many houses he owns...how can he be expected to know whether or not his own Veep has cooties? He'll probably deny she even has cooties or try to bury the truth. But the folks over at Daily Kos and the Democratic Underground have it on good authority that Sarah Palin does indeed have Cooties, and that her daughter is a slut (and not even the good kind of slut - she's keeping her baby). But more importantly, Sarah Palin has Cooties.

Can working families who are facing mortgage foreclosures, unemployment, and skyrocketing gas prices  thanks to Bush's failed economic policies really afford putting someone with Cooties a mere heartbeat away from the presidency? And how exactly can a Cootie-sufferer find the time to perform her duties as Vice President while raising five kids, one of whom is a slut? Perhaps Palin should just go back to Alaska and concentrate on being a Mom and finding a cure for those Cooties of hers.

No one is really sure how Cooties are transmitted, but the general consensus is that you get them by being a pro-life, pro-drilling, Christian Conservative member of the NRA...and by kissing *YUCK!* boys.  Any Hillary supporters or Evangelical Christians who do not want Cooties would be advised to refrain from voting for McSame/Palin this November.