BlameBush!

Max Cleland's Severed Limbs, At Your Service

"All I could think was, 'What does the Republican Party need - a fourth limb to make a person a hero?' And this coming from people who have not served. I was really offended by that. Unscrupulous and disgusting." - Terayza Heinz-Kerry on why she left the Republican Party

It's been a while since Sen. Max Cleland's severed limbs have blessed us with their presence, but KKKarl Rove's hateful remarks have forced them out of retirement once again. In the past week, they've surfaced in Texas, Rhode Island, Gay DC, and even Iraq. They routinely pop up on informative sites like Kos and blogging diva, Oliver Willis. A veritible Get-Out-Of-Being-Called-A-Treasonous-Anti-American-Weasell card, Max Cleland's severed limbs posess magical properties that transform the most vociferously anti-military progressive into a battle-hardened authority on national defense and modern warfare.

It all began when Sen. Saxby Chambliss criticized Max Cleland's position on Homeland Security, ignorant to the fact that Max Cleland's severed limbs make him an unquestionable authority on fighting international terrorism. Ever since, Max Cleland's severed limbs have been a powerful talisman against those who would call liberals "unpatriotic" simply because they sneeringly deride the troops and propagandize for the enemy. Since Max Cleland is a war hero, all those who adhere to the same political philosophy as Max Cleland are war heros and patriots by proxy. Thus, Dick Durbin can call the U.S. troops "nazis" and remain immune from all criticism. However, the heroism of Republican veterans does not entitle conservatives to have any opinion whatsoever on when or where we should send our troops to fight, for Rush Limbaugh's anal cysts cancel out Bob Dole's gimpy arm.

Wherever Max Cleland's severed limbs make an appearance, Rush Limbaugh's anal cysts are not far behind. They provide a sharp contrast between the national service of Ramboesque liberals, and that of chickenhawk conservatives who claim to be the "real patriots". The combination of Max Cleland's severed limbs, Rush Limbaugh's anal cyst's, and John Kerry's fourteen Purple Hearts tossed in for good measure, surround you with an inpenetrable shield of righteousness when debating war with Republicans. But I've also found Max Cleland's severed limbs useful in non-political situations as well.

For instance, when a co-worker recently called me a "limpwristed sissy" because I still have training wheels on my Segway, I stomped my foot and hissed at him: "HOW MANY LIMBS DOES MAX CLELAND HAVE TO LOSE BEFORE I CAN GET SOME RESPECT AROUND HERE?" Later that day, I reproached a neighbor in the laundry room with "I guess Max Cleland will have to lose a fourth limb before you'll clean out that damn lint trap." When she protested, I hit her with a double-whammy of Rush Limbaugh's anal cysts and Ken Starr's psoriasis. After a coup de grace of John Kerry's 17 Purple Hearts, the chickenhawk slithered off, shamed and defeated.

Sen. Max Cleland, a decorated Vietnam combat veteran and a triple amputee, gave his limbs on the battlefield of Vietnam so that progressive politicians, pundits, and bloggers could use them against right-wing jingoists who accuse us of being unpatriotic. Don't think twice about envoking them, whether in your blog or everyday life.

Max Cleland's severed limbs are also available for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs.

Lessons for Liberal Bloggers

I loathe the term "blogosphere". It's too cold and impersonal. I prefer to think of this thing of ours as an "electronic village", where people with similar interests come together to share ideas. Since it takes a village to raise a child, we must act as a community to nurture and protect all the newly hatched liberal bloggers from the harsh realities of this right-wing dominated blogosphere. Therefore, I will sporadically and at completely random intervals impart some of the golden boogers of wisdom I've accumulated over the past three years. Hopefully, I will provide a valuable resource, an internet safe-zone where progressives can find the tools they need to defeat any ignorant repugs who creep into their blogs and spam their comment boards with snide remarks.

Lesson #1: The Hitler Mustache

Being a liberal blogger requires not only the regular inhalation of vast amounts of household cleansers, but strict diligence in constantly reminding the mindless sheeple of the insidious evil of the Bush junta. As a rule, it's good practice to compare Bush to Hitler at least once a week. But if you're like me, you have little patience for dimwitted repugs who refuse to acknowledge the obvious. Even adding "itler" to the end of his name fails to convince them. Often, they'll actually demand you present "facts" to back up your claims - a typical right-wing tactic to lower the debate to their level. That's why it's important to arm yourself against the infuriating ignorance of your average conservative blog troll.

One of the most powerful weapons in a liberal blogger's arsenal is the dreaded Hitler mustache. When scrawled upon the visage of a political adversary, it surpasses even the devil horns and goatee as a means of transforming him into Satan incarnate. Why waste time trying to form a coherent argument when a simple black smudge will say all that needs to be said?

Take the late, great George Gobel, for instance. By looking at him, one would never imagine that this mild-mannered, soft-spoken comedian was personally responsible for the systematic extermination of over six million innocents. But give him a little Hitler mustache, and voila! I'll be a dirty bird if Lonesome George isn't Der Fuhrer himself! Add a swastika armband and superimpose him on a Nazi flag, and even the staunchest conservative will be unable to deny the truth: Lonsumfuhrer George Göbels was a Nazi Stooge.

The beauty of the whole thing is that there's absolutely no way to respond to it. What are they going to say? "He's NOT Hitler"? Well I'm sorry, cowboy, but I have photographic evidence right here that says he IS.

Still, conservatives are as predictible as they are ignorant, and will typically claim that the photos are fakes - as if authenticity has anything to do with accuracy. That's why it's always good to throw them a bone and provide a series of indisputable similarities between the subject and Hitler. For instance, George Gobel was a patriot, and Hitler wrapped himself in patriotism in order to crush dissent. Hitler invaded Poland, and Gobel invaded The Hollywood Squares. George Gobel played the banjo, and so did Hitler. The list goes on and on and on.

When presented with such incontravertible evidence, most cons will give up and crawl off in search of a hate-radio jock to tell them what to think. Still, some will linger, if only to berate you for enlightening them with your wisdom and insight. These dingbat fundies will blindly worship some great big floating God in the sky, but will refuse to accept reality even when it's kicking down their door and dragging them off to gitmo in the dead of night. So that's when I like to bring out the big guns.