BlameBush!

12 Suicide Bombers Murdered by U.S. Troops

In the early morning hours of Sunday, March 23, twelve Muslim men met quietly at a mosque in the Iraqi province of Diyala, perhaps to bid their final farewells to friends and family. Their nose hairs trimmed, monobrows plucked, and testicles cleanly shaven in accordance with Holy Quran, they had prepared themselves to make a dignified journey into the afterlife. Suddenly, and without even reading them their rights, Coalition Forces stormed the building and gunned them down in cold blood.

Where is the outrage?

Most of us would be appalled if U.S. soldiers burst in and mowed down our ailing grandmother just as Dr. Kevrokian was hooking her up to his wonderful gizmo. Yet no one bats an eye when it happens to TWELVE innocent - and let's not forget suicidal men. If the gung-ho, trigger-happy, baby-killing fascists had just practiced a little self-restraint and waited another hour or two, they could've saved themselves a lot of time and valuable ammo. But thanks to our troops, twelve members of the Muslim community were denied Death With Dignity, and 876 virgins are now standing in the unemployment line.

Berkeley Supports Our Babykilling Troops

The Berkeley City Council believed in its heart that by drafting a resolution expressing their hatred and disgust for military recruiters in their fair city, they would be hailed for making such a patriotic statement in support of our troops. Once again, they over-estimated the ignorance of the mouth-breathing Red State masses, who misinterpreted their noble gesture and took the whole thing as some sort of slight against those who wear the uniform. So for the safety of their citizens, Berkeley leaders were forced to issue a clarification this week that while they often enjoy crapping on those who serve, they only do so out of love.

As I've said time and time again, Progressives support the troops far more than anyone else does. While your typical right-wing chickenhawk can slap a yellow ribbon on his SUV and shout "SUPPORT OUR TROOPS!" with the greatest of ease, Progressives must struggle to utter the words without vomiting. That's why those words are so much more meaningful when we say them.

Most importantly, and I can't stress this enough, patriotic Americans such as those in Berkeley "support the troops" because they want to BRING THEM HOME...just preferably not to our neighborhoods, where they can induct our innocent tots into their Nazi Death Cult.

Perhaps when President Hillary and Vice President McCain shut down Gitmo and free all of Bush's abductees, our returning troops can build new lives there, where they will be free to slaughter their own women and children instead of Iraq's.

CIA Destroys Hillary's Campaign Commercials

Republicans and dirty tricks go hand in hand, but the amount of dirty tricks they've pulled in this election cycle alone could fill a whole new blog category. Now it seems that the CIA has destroyed hundreds of hours worth of video tapes documenting the brutal torture of innocent Muslim prisoners, thus depriving Hillary Clinton and other Democrat candidates of valuable material for their campaign commercials. The videos, taken deep inside secret CIA torture chambers scattered across Europe, are purported to show agents moistening two so-called "Terrorist suspects" and, in all likelihood, mishandling their Qurans in an attempt to extract useless information about non-events. The footage would have gone a long way towards demonstrating how low Republicans will go just to save a few thousand American lives.

Poof! Gone!

With the Bush Junta still stubbornly refusing to parade flag-draped coffins before the TV cameras for our viewing pleasure, and Mike Huckabee's crudely photoshopped images of Joseph Smith buggering a goat on the altar of Satan having been recently debunked, it's a wonder Democrats have anything left to run on at all.

Convenient, isn't it? 

Iran Harmless as a Kitten, Pentagon Admits

After months of trying to justify a pre-planned rush to war with Iran, the Bush Junta is now scrambling to put its own spin on a leaked Pentagon memo which reveals that the Iranian regime scrapped it's nuclear weapons program way back in 2003. Coincidentally, that was the same year Libya's Moammar Khadaffi announced plans to dismantle his own WMD's and comply fully with UN resolutions. But something else occured in 2003, something that makes you wonder if it all really is just a silly coincidence. You see, 2003 was the year that a certain political figure decided to do a certain something that a majority of Americans were strongly against, something that drew sharp criticism and widespread ridicule at the time.

Yes, 2003 was the year that John Kerry officially announced he was running for President. Wonderful news to you and I, but the very thought of a decorated war hero thrice wounded on the battlefields of Vietnam serving as our Commander-in-Chief must've scared the bejeebers out of our enemies in a fashion reminiscent of Jingus Khan. I'm sure the brilliant speech Kerry gave to kick off his campaign had ol' Mahmoud Ahmadinejad quaking in his khussas. If not the line about Terayza personifying American ideals, then certainly the part where Kerry slammed Bush's reckless and ineffective foreign policies. If Chimpy had any sense at all, he would've mailed a copy of that speech to Ariel Sharon and every other nuclear power that threatens our national security and World Peace. But Bush had better things to do. He was too busy launching his pointless war in Iraq, a war that has proven to be a total waste of time.

Tin Soldiers and Cheney's Coming

It retrospect, it probably wasn't the brightest idea to protest Bush's Illegal and Immoral War on one of the most jingoistic days of the year.  But when I heard that the military was smuggling military supplies into one of our military bases, I couldn't just sit idly by and allow it to happen. Every pair of GI socks that passes through our ports only prolongs the bloodshed in Iraq.

So I called all of my friends together for a day of peaceful protests at our state capitol. Unfortunately, neither of them could afford the gas to drive us all the way out to the Port of Olympia (thanks to Bush), so we wound up at the Port of Seattle instead. After an hour or two of screeching at tourists coming off the ferries, word got down to us that despite our valiant effort the war still raged on. Bush hadn't budged an inch. Discouraged but not disheartened, we decided to take five and reformulate out strategy.

"This isn't working, people!" I shouted through my bullhorn in exasperation. "Come on! We're not stupid Neanderthal repugs, here! We're highly intelligent Progressives educated at some of the finest universities in the country. I want some brilliant, creative ideas for stopping this terrible war and I want them right now!"

Ted Merrier cautiously raised his hand.

"Dude," he duded. "Why don't we throw stuff at police officers?"

"Like what kind of stuff?" I asked.

"I dunno," he shrugged. "Kittens maybe?"

Ted is a recovering heroin addict with a Masters in Greco-Roman Jello Wrestling and Paleolithic Phlegm Prognostication from UC Berkeley, so I would've been a fool to simply reject his idea outright. It certainly had potential, but I wasn't too keen on using kittens. Why should more innocents suffer for Bush's lies?  "Instead of throwing kittens," I suggested,"let's try to think of something more "inanimate" to toss at the pigs. Anyone?"

"How about a Barcalounger?" came a shout from the back of the crowd.

"Better," I replied. "But at your age, I doubt you could lift a Barcolounger, let alone huck one farther than your own toes. Nice try though, Congressman McDermott. But we need something a little more portable. Ted?"

"Dude," Ted whined, "you already called on me."

"There are only three of us here, Ted, and Congress McDermott has nodded off again."

Ted opened his mouth as if to say something, but it was only a belch.

"Come on people!  We represent the brightest Progressive minds in Seattle. If Al Gore can change the planet's weather patterns with a slide show, surely we can come up with something to throw at the cops that will end Bush's Illegal and Immoral War once and for all. THINK, damn you! Put those fancy college degrees to work and THINK!"

"Rocks?" Ted squeaked.

"Excuse me?"

"How about we throw rocks at the cops?"

Of course!  It was brilliant!  Why didn't I think of it before? I must be getting a little Conservative in my old age. Sure, the fascists would probably arrest us for it, but the welfare of our troops is more important than adding another minor infraction to page 17 of my arrest record. Perhaps if we threw enough rocks at cops, Bush would have no choice but to end the war and bring our brave soldiers home before they can rape and murder any more Iraqi children.

The only problem was that we hadn't seen a single police officer all morning, save for a couple of bike pigs who zipped past us on their way to popping a drug dealer who lit up a cigarette a couple of blocks down. Damn it, there's never a cop around when you need to assault one!

"Yo Lar," a freshly awakened Congressman McDermott wheezed at me, his electric beanie causing my bullhorn to shriek with feedback. "There's some kinda crazy meter maid slapping a ticket on your Segway."

So I got out of jail today no worse for the wear, if not a little wiser, for I learned two very vaulable lessons: One, gas masks don't protect you against being kneed in the groin by an angry bull dyke, and Two, freedom of speech no longer exists in this country.

Petraeus Betrayed Us, Alright

For the past two days, we've heard from an expert on the quagmire in Iraq with intimate knowledge of every military battle, every classified mission, every pair of boots on the field of battle, and with a clear and firm plan for what needs to be done to insure the safety of our troops and a satisfactory conclusion to the war.
Then after Barbara Boxer was through talking, they wheeled out this Petraeus jerk.

That Petraeus would betray us by deviating from the script graciously provided him by MoveOn.org was expected. But for him to blatantly contradict the conclusions of congressional Democrats who have watched this illegal and immoral war unfold on CNN and read about it every day in the New York Times is beyond the pale. Petraeus is obviously no Winter Soldier to be admired and revered by Hollywood celebrities whose opinions we rely on. A man in uniform who testifies before Congress as if he is actually proud to wear the uniform simply cannot be trusted to tell the truth.

The problem with putting these military types in charge of our military is twofold. Number one, they take orders from the Commander-in-Thief. Number two, they are too obsessed with achieving victory and protecting the lives of the men under them to consider other options - options that may be less than appealing to your typical military commander but politically beneficial to Democrat leaders nonetheless. And when you help Democrat leaders, you help us all.

The time has come for a change. It's time to stop letting neocon generals run the military, and give liberals a chance to call the shots. Put Babs Boxer in charge of our armed forces and I guarantee this illegal and immoral war will be over in five minutes, and all our war criminals will come home to proudly serve their country in a manner that the Founding Fathers intended: guarding abortion clinics in Berkeley.

U.S. Troops Stealing Iraqi Babies Out of Trash Piles

You can now add kidnapping to the list of heinous crimes our troops have committed against the peaceloving Muslim peoples. Just when I thought I'd heard it all, a group of American G.I.'s confessed last week to snatching an Iraqi baby right out of a pile of garbage.

I don't know what compelled them to do it, or why they even thought they could get away with it, but steps must be taken to insure that they don't bring their newly acquired bad habits home with them. After all, we have a thing in this country known as a Woman's Right to Choose. That baby was placed in the dumpster by a woman who made a conscious choice to put it there. It probably wasn't an easy choice, but it was her choice just the same and she doesn't need a bunch of neanderthal pro-lifers rooting around in her garbage and invading her privacy. Steal some credit card statements out of somebody's trash can, and they'll throw the book at you. Pluck a baby out of a dumpster, and they'll hail you as a hero. That's a huge legal loophole that must be closed and quick. Federal funding must also be increased for Iraqi reproductive health centers, such as Planned Parenthood of Bagdhad. More abortions means less babies for G.I.'s to abduct.

I feel for our troops. I really do. They're overextended, overdeployed, overworked, and all that rigamaroo. It's no wonder they're starting to act a little loopy. But that by no means gives them the right to launch a shock & awe assault on Roe v. Wade.

Haditha Butchers Swiftboat Jack Murtha

On the morning of August 15, 2005, members of a violent hate group known officially as "The United States Marine Corps", stormed into the peaceful Iraqi village of Haditha and opened fired, murdering 15 innocent men, women, children, and fluffy kittens as they lay sleeping in their beds. Congressman Jack Murtha, a former USMC Colonel who has since redeemed himself by repeatedly kicking his country its collective nards, wasted no time looking at evidence or listening to the Marines' version of events before calling a press conference and demanding they all be court martialed for their heinous crimes.

Murtha was careful, however, to not blame the troops for what happened. No, this was all George Bush's fault for placing them in such a stressful situation. Marines simply aren't trained to deal with the pressures of war. Whole platoons have been known to snap at the sound of gunfire and wipe out the first village they can get their hands on. That's what happened at Haditha. Jack Murtha knew it beyond any shadow of a doubt.

These so-called "patriots" continue to maintain their innocence anyway, perhaps for no other reason than to make Iron Jack Murtha look like a weasel and a liar. Yesterday, an investigating officer on the case recommend charges be dropped on one Marine for lack of evidence. Apparently he didn't bother to talk to the same Iraqi insurgents that Jack Murtha did. Now, the families of the Marines are demanding Murtha be censured for calling them "cold blooded killers".

DEAR GODDESS, WHEN WILL THE NEOCON CHICKENHAWK REPUGS CEASE THEIR SWIFTBOAT STYLE ATTACKS ON OUR BELOVED MEN, WOMEN, AND TRANSGENDERED IN UNIFORM?

Bush Gives "Retreat" a Bad Name

“So, it has come to this,” I hissed as I crumpled up the announcement that Maharishi Steve’s Annual Yoga Retreat would from now on be officially known as a “Yoga Redeployment”. The whole thing was a sick, twisted joke, and I would have told the Maharishi as much if he had taken his toes out of ears long enough to listen.

The word “retreat” used to invoke pleasant thoughts of relaxing on some tropical shore, or perhaps enjoying a ginseng colonic with friends high in the wooded climes of the misty Cascades. But thanks to a relentless barrage of neo-con propaganda, “retreat” has now taken on a more negative connotation. Even congressional Democrats are afraid to utter the word, preferring instead to use the more palatable ”redeployment” when discussing their Iraq War strategy. Perhaps too eager to make nicey-nice with their Repug inferiors, the well-meaning Dems have failed to take a stand against the right-wing crusade to hijack the English language. Instead of fighting the GOP, they have essentally surrendered - a word the Repugs ironically stole from the benevolent, cheese-eating primates of France.

But it’s not to late for Democrats to take back “retreat” and preserve it for future generations of liberals. A massive marketing campaign must be launched to persuade the voting public not to think of a “retreat” as “fleeing from the battlefield”, but rather “taking a vacation from the war”. If Harry, Nancy, Jack, and all the leading Democrats in congress would make it a point to wear Hawaiian shirts, Bermuda shorts, Panama hats and sunglasses to every Congressional debate on Iraq, it would go a long way towards convincing the American people that with all the mindless bloodshed going on, it wouldn’t hurt everyone to take a little hiatus from reality with their Democrat pals for a while. Ya’ll can go right on fighting Bush’s illegal and immoral war without end, or you can join us liberals for some big, fruity, Appeasement & Capitulation cocktails down on Dhimmi Beach!

Sure, my idea may seem overly theatrical to some, but it’s far better than simply giving up on a word that has come to symbolize the Progressive approach to fighting the War on Terror.

Bush Veto Sends Wrong Message to Troops

Bush’s illegal and immoral veto of a bill that would finally end his illegal and immoral war sends a dangerous message to our troops that not only is the war winnable, but that their congressional leaders are a bunch of limp-wristed surrender monkeys as well. Such disrespect for the Legislative Branch of government is par for the Shrub’s fascist course, but in a time of war (even an illegal and immoral one) it is vitally important for the leaders of this country to show a unified front. Bush’s abuse of his illgotten veto powers may raise doubts in the minds of our GI's that Harry and Nancy are actually calling the shots here. Indeed, many who took a solemn oath to defend our Constitution nevertheless remain in Iraq, in total defiance of a Congressional order to retreat with their tails tucked between their legs. To maintain any level of discipline in our armed forces, such mutinous individuals must be made examples of.

The troops wouldn’t listen to Osama. They totally ignored Saddam. Mamood Aboomijinad was just pissing in the wind. So I don’t hold out much hope that they’ll listen to Iron Man Harry Reid’s demands that they remove their infidel backsides from the Muslim holy land. But perhaps the threat of a court martial will put the fear of Democrats into those who continue to defy the wishes of the American People and fight on in Iraq as if the war hasn’t already been lost.