BlameBush!

Supreme Court Strikes Down Second-Amendment!

"YA'LL GET TO KEEP YER GUNZ! THE GUBMENT AINT GONNA TAKE YER GUNZ AWAY!  YEEEEEHAW!!! HOORAY FER GUNZ!"   

That was the ruling handed down today by the most extreme right-wing SCOTUS in recent history. It's hard to believe this is the same court that just two days ago brilliantly declared it "cruel and unusual" to execute someone who rapes little kids. Yet all but the most enlightened progressives on the bench agreed that ordinary citizens somehow have a "Constitutional Right" to possess handguns.

The fascist court's frightening decision struck down a Washington, DC law that totally prohibited the possession of handguns by those who, for some reason, weren't discouraged by all the permits, licenses, background checks, and fees. Despite all the bureaucratic roadblocks, guns were somehow still falling into the hands of law-abiding citizens.

When the new ban was put into effect, the amount of people murdered by law-abiding citizens dropped dramatically. Now, law enforcement agencies in high-crime areas will have no choice but to focus their efforts on confiscating weapons only from those who acquire them illegally - leaving such individuals totally defenseless and at the mercy of their enemies.

So in effect, Bush's Supreme Court declared it "open season" on inner-city Latino militias today, the same militias that the so-called "Second Amendment" was written to protect.

If Tony Scalia would stop listening to Rush Limbaugh and go to college, he would've known that.

We'll Go Ahead and Take That Gun Now, Chuck

He was a man of strength and integrity, a proud American and a true patriot. But out of all the reasons to hate Charlton Heston's guts, the one he will be most remembered for was his irrational support for the so-called "Second Amendment": an obscure passage in the Bill of Rights which he, in his Alzheimer's-ravaged mind, believed protected an individual's "Right to Bear Arms".

The truth is, no one really knows what the Second Amendment means. The meaning of the words "...the right of the people to keep and bear Arms shall not be infringed," has eluded even the best Constitutional scholars, from George Clooney to Rosie O'Donnell, for countless generations. Even the Supreme Court, a historically reliable bastion of progressive wisdom (albeit somewhat diminished since Bush began filling it with neocons and Uncle Toms), remains divided over the interpretation of the mysterious phrase.

The best theory anyone has for the existence of the Second Amendment is that the Founding Fathers were idiots and had no idea what they were getting us all into. Or maybe they just put the Right to Bear Arms in there as a joke.  If so, then the joke is on the 12 million young people who die every year in campus shootings, thanks to Heston's twisted defense of an outdated right that has nothing to do with gay sex or abortions.

What Turns a Man Into a Monster?

Three days after the deadliest shooting rampage in American history, many are left wondering what could have possibly driven a seemingly bright young man to acts of such unspeakable evil. Was it violent video games? Rap music? Bush's tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent of Americans? Or was it the result of bad parenting, perhaps?

Highly unlikely. My childhood wasn’t exactly idyllic, but I would never dream of harming another human being. If someone put a gun into my hand, though, there’d be nothing to stop me from marching over to Mr. Caruther’s condo, kicking down his door, and popping a cap into his fat Repug ass.

“YOU MADE ME DO THIS CARUTHERS!” I’d scream at him. “YES, YOU!! WITH YOUR BIG FANCY SCHMANCY SUV AND YOUR SEMPER FI BUMPERSTICKER ON THE BACK AND RUSH FATTY PILLPOPPER BLARING FROM YOUR FANCY SCHMANCY CAR STEREO! I HATE YOU, CARUTHERS!!!! I HATE YOU, AND NOW YOU’RE GOING TO DIE, RIGHT HERE, IN YOUR POORLY DECORATED LIVING ROOM, YOU RIGHT-WING CHICKENHAWK!!!”

“No I’m not,” Caruthers would say.

“OH YES YOU ARE!” I’d insist.

“No I’m not,” he’d insist back.

“YES YOU ARE! YES YOU ARE! YES YOU ARE!”

“No I’m not,” he'd sigh, and go back to biting the heads off of puppies, or whatever it is that Repugs do when there aren't any Blacks around to lynch or poor people to screw over.

“OKAY, JUST SUPPOSING FOR A MOMENT THAT YOU’RE RIGHT," I'd offer, "EXPLAIN TO ME EXACTLY WHY YOU AREN’T GOING TO DIE LIKE THE NEOCON PIG YOU ARE.”

“Because you left the safety on,” he’d reply with that smug little smirk of his.

“NO I DIDN’T!” I’d say.

“Yes you did,” he’d insist, “and you’re holding the gun wrong. The barrel is supposed to point away from you.”

‘NO IT’S NOT!” I’d retort.

“Yes it is,” he’d volley.

‘NO IT’S NOT! NO IT’S NOT! NO IT’S NOT!”

“Fine then,” he’d relent. “Go ahead and pull the trigger.”

I’d hesitate for a moment, perhaps caught off guard by his utter stupidity, and he’d seize the moment to quickly snatch the gun from my fingers and pistol-whip me to a bloody pulp right there in his poorly decorated living room.

Mother would show up drunk at the funeral. She’d probably try to get into the preacher’s pants. Then she’d strip naked in front of everyone and start dancing around like she’s back at Woodstock until she clumsily knocked my casket over, spilling my pale, rotting cadaver onto the ground.

‘YOU BITCH!! YOU RUINED MY LIFE!”

But the blame for my terrible fate is not hers. It belongs to Bush and his NRA cronies for putting that gun into my hands. You see, it’s not one’s upringing, nor rap music, nor is it being bombarded with violent imagery since before he could crawl that turns a man into a monster. It’s not a culture lacking a moral compass that creates someone who could pick up a gun and murder 33 innocent people without any remorse. It’s George W. Bush.

But it’s also the mere existence and ready availability of guns that drives men to kill one another.

But mostly it’s Bush.

Virginia Tech: Who is to Blame?

Two days after the deadliest shooting rampage in American history, many are left wondering who ultimately was reponsible. Was it the school officials who failed to act quickly enough to prevent the attack? Was it the creative writing professyms who saw all the signs but chose to ignore them? Was it the bumbling school janitor who parked his mop bucket right in front of the “Gun-Free Zone” sign? Or was it the guy who actually pulled the trigger? Wild theories abound. The goofy European newspapers, though well-intentioned, are even blaming Charton Heston for the shootings that left 33 stidents dead and 9 wounded. But such baseless accusations in our time of national mourning does a great disservice to those who lost their lives. No, the responsibility for what happened last Monday lies squarely on one person, and one person alone: George W. Bush.

After all it was Bush who, on orders from Heston, launched an illegal and immoral war in Iraq to desensitize Americans to violence, so that the gun lobby could continue putting deadly weapons into the hands of confused children unabated and with full cooperation from the Bush Junta. Or maybe Bush allowed the rampage to occur just to frighten people into buying more guns. Or maybe it was all the work of a psychopath who walked into a college campus and opened fire with no remorse for his actions - but that's just pure speculation.

The Shrub will probably swagger away from this whole ordeal completely oblivious to the blood on his hands. However, perhaps this terrible tragedy will finally be a wake up call for Americans to demand an end to the NRA, or any other organization whose sole purpose it to defend portions of the Bill of Rights that don’t have anything to do with sex.

School Shooting Reveals the Need for Bigger Gun-Free Zone Signs

One day after the deadliest shooting rampage in American history, many are left wondering why it happened and what can be done to prevent it from happening again. Certainly, more thorough background checks would reveal whether a prospective gun owner had gone on any wild murder-suicide sprees in the past. Mandatory creative writing classes for all firearm purchases would also be a way to determine if someone has an unhealthy obsession with violence and gore, or is simply applying for a job at CBS.

Whether you’re in favor of such sensible gun control laws, or a mind-numbed minion of Chuck Heston, everyone can at least agree that Gun-Free Zones as they currently exist don’t quite work. Although Virginia Tech was a proud “Gun-Free Zone”, firearms still somehow found their way onto the campus. Obviously the so-called “gunman” wasn’t aware that he had entered such a zone, or else he would have thought twice about gunning down 33 innocents before shooting himself in the face. Bigger, bolder “Gun-Free Zone” signs would be harder to ignore, but renaming the entire school “Gun-Free Zone Tech” would send a clear message to any suicidal maniacs that bringing guns to school will NOT be tolerated, and that slaughtering scores of your classmates could result in expulsion and possibly even the forfeiture of all your credits. To discourage individuals from cleverly standing just outside the Gun-Free Zone and firing into the campus, the zone’s boundaries should also be expanded to encompass all 50 states, and as rigorously enforced as gun control laws currently on the books.

The concept of Gun-Free Zones is a noble one, and with a little revamping it can be far more effective. 33 out of the 34 people that died in Virginia Tech’s Gun Free Zone were actually following the rules. There’s no reason to believe that expanding the program nationally won’t provide the same results.

Guns Used in Shooting Spree Possibly Had a Human Attached to Them

Two hours after several students were gunned down at a Virginia university today, gunshots erupted again on the other side of the campus - rudely interrupting the Healing Process long before anyone’s grief had a chance to be validated with lucrative book deals or appearances on Oprah. 

As the news media scrambled to ask what firearms were used in the rampage and how quickly we could ban them, rumors surfaced that a human being may have somehow been attached to the weapons at the trigger. Several witnesses described seeing a young Asian male's fingers wrapped around two 9mm handguns that seemed to be magically floating in mid-air.

No one is sure how it happened, but it’s possible that the guns sucked him into Virginia Tech through the Gun Show Loophole and dragged him around the campus while they fired indiscrimately at helpless students.  If so, it'll be the worst such incident since a pair of assault weapons dragged two helpless students through the halls of Columbine High School in 1991, murdering 12 innocent teens. Like the Columbine tragedy, the guns that attacked Virginia Tech ultimately turned on their host, and their wild killing spree came to an end.

Unable to pin this latest tragedy on Muslims like they did with 9/11, the cons are suggesting that the Chinese man attached to the guns was somehow “responsible” for the slaughter. I can already hear the hate-radio pundits using it as a reason to demand tighter immigration laws. It disgusts me to no end that repuigs can exploit such a tragedy to further their twisted political agenda before the body of the victim is even cold.

However, any inbred redneck with an NRA membership will tell you that automatic weapons virtually fire themselves, hence the term “automatic weapons”. Until lawmakers have the courage to ban such firearms and repeal Bush's tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent of Americans, we can expect to see more innocent Chinese kids with fist-sized holes in their faces courtesy of Bush's illegal and immoral war in Iraq.

Chuck Heston Guns Down Tacoma Teen

March 26, 2006. An emotionally disturbed youth crashes a rave afterparty in Seattle’s Capitol Hill neighborhood, opening fire with semi-automatic weapons and killing six innocent people. Progressive Seattle leaders quickly move to require background checks on dancers.

July 28, 2006. A man whose religion and national origin are unimportant, storms into a downtown learning center and guns down seven people before he is subdued. His motives remain a mystery.

January 3, 2007. As the morning sun rises above the snowy Cascades, a troubled teen walks into his Tacoma-area high school and guns down a fellow student. Charlton Heston has yet to be charged.

In the wake of these horrible tragedies, the need to close the Gun Show Loophole could never be more clear or urgent. But Democrat leaders face tough opposition from a powerful pro-gun lobby and flawed right-wing logic that says, “None of the weapons used in those killings were purchased at gun shows”.

Perhaps not. Maybe in the case of the Tacoma shooting, the handgun was actually obtained in a burglary. But what are we going to do – lock up every kid who steals something? Start prosecuting crimes on the 20th offense – or sooner, perhaps? Should we resign ourselves to a fascist police state, or should we simply take the necessary steps to keep firearms out of the hands of criminals?

Despite the alarmist bleating from right-wing alarmists, Democrats do not want to take guns away from law-abiding citizens (although there’s nothing in the Living, Breathing Constitution that says they can’t). But there’s no reason not to enact sensible gun control legislation for the sake of our children. Thus far, background checks and waiting periods have worked splendidly to prevent another Columbine. However, if our children continue to fall victim to gun violence, we may need to toughen such laws. Extending waiting periods 30 or 40 years, perhaps.

It’s an idea that may anger gun nut groups like the NRA who enjoy watching our children suffer, and they’ll use every resource at their disposal to prevent us from keeping our little ones from harm. But Democrats are resolved to fight on, so that our children can grow up healthy and have children of their own, in the hopes that future generations of progressive leaders will have someone to protect.

Cheney Denies "Friend" Right to Die with Dignity

Vice peeResident Dick Cheney offered a tearless, reptilian mea culpa today for a hunting “accident” in which he “accidentally” pounded a case of Lowenbrau and mistook a 78-year-old man for a tiny bird. However, he didn’t apologize to the quail he murdered, or to the New York Times for failing to immediately notify them of the “accident”, as he is required to do by the Living Breathing Constitution. Tragically, the Old Grey Lady was forced to obtain the scoop from some backwoods redneck fishwrapper rather than from the customary “anonymous sources”, or from “recently obtained classified documents” that strangely reek of Sandy Berger’s crotch.

As much as he tries to deny it, Dick Cheney’s daughter is a lesbian. Furthermore, he’s 100% responsible for what happened to that poor man. A human being – nay, a Conservative - was seriously injured in what appears to be an act of senseless violence, for the lack of any offensive cartoons to justify it. If Whittington succumbs to his wounds, Cheney could quite possibly be indicted by a federal grand jury on charges of criminal negligence. He would have no choice but to resign in disgrace, leaving the GOP seriously weakened come election time. Hillary’s chances of winning back the White House in 2008 would increase tenfold. A new progressive President would usher in a new era of peace and prosperity, free from want, need, or sexual responsibility. With a Democrat-controlled senate and liberal Supreme Court to provide checks and balances against the three token Republicans left in Congress, America could at last realize Harry Belafonte's friend's dream of total economic equality among all of Gaia's creatures (except for those who are more equal than others). Indeed, it would a be virtual Heaven on Earth.

So it's no wonder that Cheney is keeping that poor, brain damaged man alive against the wishes of those of us who really care about him. The Secret Service won't even let Michael Schiavo in the building with a pillow and a hammer.

So much for "Compassionate Conservatism", I guess.

Uncle Dick's Wacky Hunting Adventure

If Dick Cheney had consulted Sarah Brady before his wild quail hunting safari last weekend, he would have known that firearms were dangerous. It was a lesson she learned the hard way when her husband was gunned down by Chuck Heston in 1981. But off the Great White Hunter went anyway, traipsing across the wilds of North Carolina like Ernest Bleeping Hemingway through the Serengeti, and several innocent quail paid the price for his ignorance.

In his crazed blood lust, Cheney (whose daughter is a lesbian) also wounded a fellow hunter, but never bothered to report the incident to Maureen Dowd. If the media covers the story with the rabid fervor of liberal hysteria it deserves, it has the potential to evolve into a scandal that can destroy Cheney’s 2008 White House bid, and will most suredly bode well for gun safety advocates like Al Gore and John Kerry. However, I’m going to wait for Ted Kennedy to weigh in on this whole issue before commenting any further.

The quail have been listed in critical yet stable condition at an undisclosed veterinary clinic, doing remarkably well considering they were just shot out of the sky by a sneering gorilla with an elephant gun. Volunteers from PETA are standing guard should Cheney make another attempt on their lives.