BlameBush!

Dec. 10 is National Gay the Day Away Day

In an organized protest against California's Proposition 8 (i.e. The Gay Holocaust), gays and lesbians across the world will walk off their jobs tomorrow. So if you need your hair done or your condo redecorated, do it tonight.

I was planning on taking the day off, too, but my bigot of a boss informed me that since I'm not gay, but merely metrosexual, I would have to come in to work. Suddenly, I know how the Jews in Nazi Germany must have felt.

So to show solidarity with my gay and lesbian brothers and sisters, I am refusing to whine, whimper, sashay, simper, nance or prance for the remainder of the week. I'd ask to all to join in, but I've vowed not to stage any organized hissy fits, either.

That'll show those breeding bastards!!

Free at Last, Free at Last, Good Golly Miss Molly, Free at Last!

The California Supreme Court's unanimous decision in favor of same-sex marriage is not only a victory for the Gay Community against mean straight people, but a triumph for equal rights. Up until today, only heterosexuals were allowed to marry members of the same gender. Now gays can, too!  More importantly, the court's ruling is a noble gesture of compassion for a race of people that has suffered far too long under the cloak of oppression.

Imagine waking up every day knowing that simply because of the person you choose to love, you'll have to file your taxes differently than everyone else. Hitler did the exact same thing to the Jews! It's a cruel indignity no human being should be forced to endure.

Caring for a sick loved one is also something we all take for granted, but in most states gays can't visit other gays in the hospital. It's against the law! What if the only person you ever loved was on their death bed, and you weren't even allowed to be at their side in their final moments to say, "Gosh, I'm sorry I gave you AIDS"?  It's hard for us insensitive heterosexuals to envision such a nightmare, but it's a terrible reality that members of the deeply passionate and overly dramatic Gay Community suffer through every day.

The California Supreme Court has finally removed the tiny "except for gays" asterisk on their state's Bill of Rights with this nifty new law they've written. I pray to a gender-neutral God that a more progressive SCOTUS under President Hillary follows suit and legalizes same-sex marriage nationwide - centuries of tradition and the moral fabric of society be damned.

Gay War Hero's Speech Interrupted by GOP Debate

Millions tuned in last night to watch a flamboyantly decorated war hero thrice wounded by your catty remarks give an impassioned speech about the trials and tribulations of being a closeted homosexual serving under Bush's barbaric "Don't-Ask-Don-t Tell policy". He was just about to launch into a long, lingering lament on how impossible it is to find a decent nail salon these days when he was rudely interrupted by what appeared to be a GOP presidential debate.

"Why do you think that American men and women in uniform are not professional enough to cater to my needs,” retired Brigadier General Keith H. Kerr pondered rhetorically, when Anderson Cooper and eight Republican stooges burst into the studio and attempted to drown him out by debating each other on a variety of issues that had nothing to do with the Colonel at all.

The Homophobe Party has always been known for its hatred of the GLBTH Community, but I've never before seen them flaunt their bigotry in front of millions of witnesses. And hogging the Admiral's airtime that way just to make some sort of selfish political statement!

It was quite unprofessional, if you ask me.

An Open Apology to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

I'd like to apologize for insinuating yesterday that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a bad person just because his regime is openly hostile towards the LGBTH Community. How many gays has Bush hung from construction cranes with his opposition to same-sex marriage? How many lesbians has he stoned to deathwith  his support of the military's Don't-Ask-Don't-Tell policy? How many Transgendered-Americans has he imprisoned and tortured by refusing to celebrate their diversity?  Yes, Mahmoud has committed horrible atrocities in the name of his religion, but then again so has the usurper in the Oval Office who is currently slaughtering gays in Iraq just because Jesus told told him to.

We can all join Columbia's own private Two Minutes Hate, or we can open our eyes and realize that Iran's cruel and petty dictator is not much different than our own, and that Bush's sins against the LGBTH Community in effect cleanse Mahmoud Ahmadinejad  of his.

I hope that in during his next visit to America, Mahmoud visits my beloved Evergreen State College instead. I am sure that he will be welcomed there with all the warmth and hospitality he would receive at any Iranian university, and without having to point guns at our heads to get it.

Homophobic Firefighters Refuse to Wear Rainbow Diapers of Tolerance

Fifteen years ago today, Matthew Shepherd was chained to George Bush's pick-up truck and brutally murdered by a gang of Christian Conservatives. Apparently, America hasn't learned a single lesson from Shepherd's tragic death, for just last week four blatantly homophobic firefighters filed a lawsuit against the City of San Diego for "forcing" them to march in the annual Gay Pride Parade.

Throught history, Gay Pride parades have served as an opportunity for GLBTHBP Americans to lather up and come together under a rainbow-colored flag of friendship - and to engage in activites that would get them arrested for public indecency anywhere else. The participation of city employees and government officials in these wonderful parades not only sets an example for the less flamboyantly gay public to follow, but provides the festivities with an air of legitimacy that would otherwise require marchers to leave their feathery buttplugs at home and behave like mature, rational adults. Firepersyns and other public servants shouldn't have to be "forced" to participate, they should do so willingly and without any gripes about thong-wearing bikers humping their legs like dogs in heat. But even the fireperysns who volunteered to march refused to wear the rainbow diapers and fire sprinkler nipple rings that the city generously provided for them.

Although they wrap themselves in a cloak of moral superiority, these four FireBigots, and George Bush as well, have stolen something from the Gay Community that years of buggery will never bring back - their dignity.

Four-Star Homophobe Slanders Gay, Babykilling Troops

"All that is solid melts into air, all that is holy is profaned." - Charles Ingalls

Gen. Peter Pace’s bigoted remark that homosexual behavior is “immoral” was not only an obvious jab at John Edwards, but a Pattonesque slap in the faces of the 65,000 gay, babykilling troops who are currently slaughtering innocents in Iraq.

Pace expressed regret for his hateful words, but it was not the teary-eyed mea culpa such an egregious slur requires. Rather than beg the Gay Community for forgiveness, Pace merely apologized for not keeping his personal opinions to himself.

It is indeed highly inappropriate for any active member of the armed forces to publicly express an opinion that isn’t strongly anti-Bush or anti-war, let alone a four-star General. However, Pace’s crime was not in the stating of his old-fashioned, anti-sodomy beliefs, but actually having them. One can’t help but wonder how such an insensitive bigot (not to mention a total square) could ever be given a position of command. Obviously, his appointment was made at the behest of Bush’s Evangelical masters who don’t know how to have a good time, and somehow think they can please Jesus by ruining everyone else’s fun as well. It's a shame that our gay, babykilling troops have to suffer for it.

Pace’s half-assed confession today was about as good as we can expect from a neocon fascist homophobe who never served his country, choosing instead to join the Marines. However, he has yet to apologize to the thousands of brave gay men, womyn, and transgendered activists who have devoted their lives to the cause of normalizing sexual deviancy to such an extent that a decorated General is made to feel like a criminal for disapproving of it.

Haggard's Meth-Fueled Gay Orgies a Victory for Same-Sex Couples

Prominent Evangelical leader and country music legend, Merle Haggard, has resigned in disgrace amidst revelations that he frequented a gay prostitute for drugs and sex, thus crushing all conservative opposition to same-sex marriage.

I don't expect any uneducated cons or active military personnel to understand such complex logic, so I'll lay it out for you. Let's pretend for a moment that Haggard's behavior was "immoral" and "wrong", as he has been preaching for years. It would mean the entire Christian Right no longer has any moral high ground from which to oppose same-sex marriage, prostitution, drug use, bestiality - you know, all the basic human rights we progressives have always fought for. You see, it's fine to openly and shamelessly engage in behavior that you know is wrong, but to do it secretly and behind closed doors while encouraging the naive and impressionable herd to refrain from such activity is the height of hypocrisy. As Al Gore shouted from his motorcade on the way to the symposium on the evils of the internal combustion engine, "JESUS HATES A HYPOCRITE!

That's why the Christian religion needs to grow beyond its archaic ideas about morality. If you don't have any morals to betray, then there's no way you can be guilty of hypocrisy. It's what makes agnostic progressives such as myself better Christians than any so-called "Christian Conservative" out there.

Aliens Turned Foley Gay

Mark Foley's lawyer announced just moments ago that his client's homosexuality is the result of an alien abduction during his college days.

Well, I guess if anything good can possibly come from an anal probe, that's it.

The only question is: How long did Dennis Hastert know about it and why did he keep it a secret? Was he so desperate to maintain control of congress that he would turn a blind eye to extraterrestrials preying on our helpless frat boys? If so, how many Republican congressmen will be willing to resign in order to make things right? Is Bush, with his so-called "family values" ready to put the safety of our children before partisan politics and finally repeal his tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent of Americans? Or will he squander the golden showers of international support and mislead Americans into another pointless war for oil?

Booze Turned Foley Gay

Foley's lawyer has also revealed that the disgraced congressman was drunk when he engaged in online sex chats with gay teens.

If there's any good that can possibly come from alchohol abuse, I guess that's it.

Millions of gay teens take their lives each year for lack of any positive reinforcement from like-minded adult mentors.  While the vital service Foley provided to the gay community doesn't excuse his Violation of the Sacred Trust, it must be taken into consideration when Dennis Hastert is sentenced.

Roman Catholics Turned Foley Gay

Mark Foley's lawyer suggested yesterday that a Roman Catholic priest who molested him as a child may be responsible for his homosexual proclivities.

I guess if anything good can possibly come from sexual abuse, that's it.

Frankly, I'm a little surprised, though. I had always understood that people were born gay. It's impossible to turn someone who isn't a homosexual into one, so any claims that gay rights groups or progressive schoolteachers are attempting indoctrinate children into a gay lifestyle should be looked upon as the insane ravings of homophobic parents. Now I am learning that Roman Catholic priests are going around, magically transforming heterosexual young boys into flaming homos.

All I can say is, KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, PRIESTIES!

With so many members of the Gay Community killed off by AIDS and Republicans every year, perhaps this is God's way of replenishing the species so we can continue to enjoy a wide variety of fabulously decorated park restrooms.