BlameBush!

Democrat Senator Not Ready for Death With Dignity

Sen. Tim Johnson (D-SD) felt a little woozy today, probably after eating one of the Shrub's poisoned tacos. Indigestion probably, but it was enough to start the bloodthirsty right-wing vultures circling overhead, licking their reptilian chops in morbid anticipation that Johnson would keel over and put control of Congress back in their hands. Some even hypocritically demanded that Michael Schiavo be allowed to grant him Death with Dignity.

The so-called “Compassionate Conservatives” praying for Johnson's demise needn’t waste Jezzus' time. If Sen. Johnson should ever become so mentally incapacitated that he couldn’t perform his duties as a Democrat congressman, I’d be really surprised. In fact, it’s virtually impossible. Our own Sen. Patty Murray has an I.Q. of seven but a heart of gold, and Rep. Jim McDermott enjoys long, meandering conversations with his toaster. Being mentally challenged doesn't make them unable lead. Rather, it makes them better Democrats!

So as long as he doesn’t send any gay emails to his interns, Johnson is guaranteed his own private oxygen tent in Congress for as long as Harry Reid can keep his brain alive.

Sorry to rain on your funeral procession, repugs.

Terri Schiavo Sure as Hell Never Wrote a Children’s Book

There wasn’t a dry eye at Seattle Hemp Products today over the tragic loss of two American heroes. Comedian Richard Pryor was cut down in the prime of his life last weekend by a peeResident who simply won’t tolerate a little bit of laughter in his New World of Darkness. Then, with the untimely passing of one comedic genius, came the brutal murder of another. Stanley “Tookie” Williams was viciously slaughtered by the Nazi governor of California this morning, but SchwarzenHitler’s barbaric crime will not go unpunished. His heartless display of inhumanity has already earned him widespread raspberries from the Hollywood Community, and an official condemnation from each of France’s three major political parties: The Socialist Party of France, the Workers Party of French Socialists, and the Party of French Socialist Hairdressers. It’s only a matter of time before the Governator needs a haircut, and then he’ll get what’s coming to him.

The tragic events of the past few days more than this progressive can bear, I spent most of the morning in my cubicle, wracked with sobs, damning the hypocrisy of it all. It just doesn’t make any sense! How can so-called “pro-lifers” fight so hard to “protect” the pathetic “life” of a brain dead Florida woman, but then turn around and march a beloved children’s book author to the guillotine?

The obvious answer is, of course, that Tookie is a Black man. An educated one, no less. Every Nobel nomination he received and every commencement address he gave ran contrary to the conservative idea of white supremacy. The brain dead Florida woman, on the other hand, was by definition “brain dead”, and therefore shares a special kinship with the uneducated cro-mags of the red states.

Tookie also earned the ire of the racist right by devoting his entire life to the cause of peace and social justice, writing several popular children’s books encouraging kids to steer clear of street gangs and commit their armed robberies a cappella. Even from behind bars, he was an inspiration to thousands of gangsta rappers and inner-city TV sitcom stars. If permitted to live, he surely would have inspired other death row inmates to pen their own books, spawning a whole new genre of children’s literature written by multiple murderers and serial killers.

Brain Dead Florida Woman, on the other hand, spent 15 years sitting on her big, fat ass while others waited on her hand and foot. She was loved and adored by no one, save her parents who were certifiable religious nuts. Her “life” wasn’t even special enough to warrant a Joan Baez concert to preserve it. Indeed, her very existence was nothing but an obstacle to the happiness of her husband, the Right to Die movement, and progressives in general. Once again, she was a conservative to the very core.

In the end, Tookie’s bright flame was extinguished by a corrupt judicial system specifically designed to keep blacks down, while the brain dead Florida woman was allowed to pointlessly linger on past her sale date.

Has the whole world gone completely mad?

Florida Woman is Brain Dead, Autopsy Confirms

An autopsy performed on the Brain Damaged Florida Woman, or "Terri Schiavo" as her ignorant parents call her, confirms that she is in fact brain dead, and chances of a full recovery are slim at best. This must be tragic news for the right-wing cons who have maintained all along that she was a living human being, and thus deserving of the same rights to life and liberty typically reserved for cop killers and terrorists. Science trumps superstition once again. Progressives: 9,974, Religious Zealots: 0.

But it's still to early to spike Schiavo's frito-sized brain into the end zone. The struggle to preserve the fundamental right of all Americans to Die with Dignity is far from over. Republicans claim to be against government interference in our lives, but even as progressives form a conga line around Terri Schiavo's grave, heartless repugs are working diligently to undermine all of our deaths. Religious voodoo rhetoric from right-wing polemicists like the Pope has done serious damage to the Right to Die crusade, but there's still a glimmer of hope for those longing for death - either their own, or of a loved-one whose continuing existence has become an inconvenience to everyone. Courageous Democrats in congress have taken up the battle flag of our forefathers, who valiantly gave their lives so that future generations could snuff their spouses with impunity, free from the prying hands of republican politicians, meddlesome parents, and unscrupulous doctors who seek only to prolong life. But they cannot win the war against the coming Bush Theocracy alone.

The choice our generation faces will decide the future of America: Do we want to live in a Republican dystopia of moral absolutes, where men are men, womyn are women, and our children curse us for forcing them to be born? Or a Progressive Utopia where they thank us for allowing them to die?

UPDATE: The Seattle P-I must read my blog.

Terri Schiavo is Still Dead

It's been twelve hours since Brain Damaged Florida Woman's brain-dead body was allowed to catch up with her spirit, and the world has not ended. Caregivers aren't prancing through the intensive care units, yanking the plugs on their patients. We aren't suddenly living in some dystopian Soylent Green nightmare where old people are herded off to euthanization centers and then fed to the living. So far, all the dire predictions the Christian fundies have been spewing for the last few months have turned out to be a load of hooey.

Still, there's no avoiding the deep cloud of gloom that's enveloping the entire blogosphere.

Come on, people, cheer up! Terri Schiavo is dead, and it's a wonderful thing. After all, death is a natural and beautiful journey we must all take. It shouldn't be feared, but welcomed and embraced. Life, on the other hand, is just something that happens before you die, and often (as with Terri Schiavo) it's not even worth the effort. So-called "Christians" who argue otherwise should remember the teachings of Jesus, who went forth amongst the lepers, and euthanized them. It's right there in the Bible, should you care to read it. Ephesiacles 19:37.

Incidentally, the pigs paid me a visit at my office this afternoon. It seems that after our friendly conversation this morning, my right-wing Gramma became concerned that I might try to bless her with a bit of the ol' Death with Dignity. So she sicced the gestapo on me.

It's funny how conservatives pretend to be such staunch federalists, but then they turn right around and demand the government intrude on what should be a private family matter. They file restraining orders to keep cherished loved ones from nudging them along with their Death Process. They summon delivery boys with arms full of groceries to artificially prolong their lives. They turn the sprinklers on when you stand on their front lawn screaming into a megaphone, "JUST LET GO, GRAMMA! STOP CLINGING TO YOUR LIFELESS HUSK! IT'S TIME TO LEAVE YOUR COCCOON AND TRANSFORM INTO A BEAUTIFUL COSMIC BUTTERFLY!!"

Tom Delay has turned this whole thing into a big stinking circus.

FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST!

This morning, Michael Schiavo's years of suffering at the hands of religious extremists came to an end, and his lifeless, brain-dead, speed bump of a wife was finally allowed to complete her celestial journey. We all share Michael's pain and wish him only the best as he works his way through nursing school. No truer love did this man have for Terri, or for any of the other broads he's banged or is currently banging. Now, at last, the healing can begin.

In lieu of dancing a little jig, I decided to give my right-wing fundie grandmother a jingle to express my heartfelt condolences.

"Lawrence Chomstein?" Gramma wheezed. "The judge says you aren't to call me anymore!"

"Hi, Gramma!" I chirped. "I just heard about the passing of Mrs. Schiavo, the Brain Damaged Florida Woman who was never actually alive to begin with."

"And you called to gloat?"

"Now Gramma! You may think we progressives are a just a bunch of cold-hearted, death-worshipping monsters, but I have cried a river of tears for Mr. Schiavo. This whole country has been terribly divided since Bush stole the election, and I hope that now we've evened the score we can all come together and mend the rift between us."

"What's all that laughing and cheering I hear in the background?" Gramma asked, slapping the olive branch out of my hand.

"Oh, a spontaneous little office shindig, " I said. "In loving memory of Terri."

"They murdered that poor woman!" Gramma snapped.

"Oh?" I replied. "How many people are murdered in Iraq every day?"

"What does that have to do with starving a poor woman to death?" she asked.

"How many people has Bush starved to death with his illegal war for oil?" I volleyed.

"Well, I guess they all Died with Dignity, didn't they?"

Alzheimers. I decided to change the subject.

"How's life at the home, you crazy old bat? Are they treating you good? Is your feeding tube in too tight? Want me to come over and give it a little tug?"

"I'm not in a home, and I don't have a feeding tube!"

"Not yet, anyway." *CLICK*

You try to be civil with these Jesus freaks and they throw it right back in your face.

Jesse Jackson to Rescue Schiavo from Life-Threatening Publicity

In a last ditch effort to artificially extend the life of a Brain Damaged Florida Woman, the Reverend Jesse Jackson arrived in Pinellas Park yesterday to bust some righteous rhymes and rescue her from the debilitating effects of prolonged publicity.

In a landmark agreement, Jackson will hold a series of press conferences to slowly "siphon the publicity cooties" away from Schiavo, drawing the nasty media attention into himself so as to lessen the strain on her. He'll also take custody of 95% of the press and protesters camped outside the Florida hospice, and lead them on a 5 day march to Selma where he'll reach out to conservative Catholics with a call to "Keep Da Pope Alive". In return, the hospice will welcome five of Jackson's close personal friends to its board of directors, and Jackson's cousin, Jimmy, will assume the helm the non-profit Terri Schindler-Schiavo Foundation. Jackson requests that all future donations to the foundation be made payable to the Rainbow/PUSH coalition.

Taking a note from Jackson's selfless act, Former President Bill Clinton is scheduled to arrive at the hospice this evening on a gilded showboat to make an impassioned plea for Schiavo's life, and to sign advance copies of the upcoming paperback edition of his autobiography.

The Importance of a Living Will

I hate to keep euthanizing a dead horse, but there's one last issue concerning the Terri Schiavo case that I'd like to address before I yank the feeding tube on this whole subject.

Terri Schiavo was fortunate that her loving husband suddenly remembered a conversation they had years ago, in which she said, "If I ever have a heart attack and suffer severe brain damage, I'd like to be slowly starved to death. Pass the bacon, please." But what if Michael Schiavo was out of the room when she made such a request? Who would fight for Terri Schiavo's right to die then? Who would protect her from unscrupulous doctors who wrap themselves in the Hippocratic Oath, seeking only to prolong the life of the ill and infirm?

Compassionate caregivers must always err on the side of Death with Dignity when the patient's true wishes are uncertain, and they should be able to do so with a clear conscience. Once health care is nationalized and medical resources are strictly rationed, a progressive doctor-assisted suicide program such as Oregon's will become a vital tool for keeping hospital beds open for those who truly need it. Religious extremists who are still hung up on all that "sanctity of human life" crap will be encouraged to draft a "Living Will" - a notarized document specifying their sincere desire to inconvenience doctors, loved ones, and society itself by remaining alive for another 40 years. This "Living Will" could be printed on a wallet-sized card that one would present to their doctor or dentist, explicity stating "I'm a Quaker. Due to my antiquated religious beliefs, I politely request that I not be euthanized on this visit. Yes, I know I have hallitosis that can kill a bull moose at 50 yards, but I'd like to pointlessly linger on for a few more years anyway, if you don't mind."

Once we free caregivers from the constrictive binds of guesswork and legal roadblocks, we can look forward to a bright future where the euthanization of undesirables is as natural, beautiful, and merciful as terminating unwanted pregnancies.

Stephen Hawking on the Run

British physicist Stephen Hawking has become a Fugitive from Mercy, having escaped through a wormhole as doctors surrounded his Cambridge home. Physicians were summoned Monday evening when his wife remembered that a few years ago, Hawking had asked to be shoved down a flight of stairs if the battery on his electric wheelchair ever ran out. Of course, he denies it in that goofy robot voice of his...but Teresa Heinz-Kerry will tell you that computers can be hacked.

Hawking has suffered from a degenerative muscular disease for 40 agonizing years, and he's never seen a single episode of Queer Eye. It's time to let him go. He led a long, productive life, but now he deserves to Die with Dignity, whether he likes it or not.

Bush Sleeping on the Job

Now I've heard it all. Bush was actually caught sleeping on COMPANY TIME when the "Force Terri Schiavo to Live" bill came to him for a signature. I can just see him shuffling out in his Power Ranger jammies and fuzzy bunny slippers, rubbing the sleep from his tired eyes and taking crayon in hand to condemn Michael Schiavo to a life of endless suffering.

Sorry to wake you Dubya, but there's this little thing about a COUNTRY THAT NEEDS TO BE RUN.

He really is the reincarnation of Ronald Raygun, isn't he? The Gipper was notorious for his long naps as well, sometimes sleeping for 8 or 9 hours a day on OUR dime. Now it seems that the Shrub has followed in his fascist footsteps. Just as Nero fiddled while Rome burned, Bush is snoozing away the hours while this country goes right down the crapper.

I guess he has to sleep the booze off some time.

YES! Die with Dignity! DIE! DIE!!!!

Republicans in Congress took a brief time-out from their Major League Baseball Fanfest to force their religious beliefs on everyone today. Backed by conservative Christian fanatics, GOP lifemongers pulled out all the stops trying to prolong Schiavo's pain and suffering. Michael Schiavo's, I mean. The hell that poor man's been through since the cash from the malpractice suit ran out! But it looks like the last legal roadblack has been hurdled, and Mark McGwire ceremonially yanked out her feeding tube this afternoon to wild cheers from Death with Dignity advocates and Cardinals fans alike.

The term "hero" is used rather loosely nowadays, but Michael Schiavo is the living embodiment of heroism. The events of the past few years are not only a testament to his courage, but his loving devotion to one of the several women he's banged. When half the country and your wife's entire family insist that she must "live", it takes great courage to stand up for your convictions and shout, "No! The bitch must DIE!"

Now, at long last, she finally will.

But make no mistake: although Terri what's-her-name will soon be out of our hair, the battle to save the Great Wall Between Church and State is not over. Every minute that lifeless vegetable clings to "life" brings us closer to a fascist police state ruled by dehumanizing religious zealots. At this very moment, the Christian right continues their relentless assault on Roe v. Wade by praying and singing their little Jesus songs outside brave Michael's home. The line between Christian and Islamic Fundamentalism has never been more blurred than it is right now. Thankfully we have both the ACLU and democrats in congress dedicated to protecting our reproductive rights through the systematic euthanization of pesky invalids.

So-called Christians who proselytize about the "sanctity of life" should perhaps remove the mote from their own eye before casting any stones at glass houses. Was it not Jesus who ran the money changers out of the Temple? I'm not sure how that applies here, but it's the only Bible story I actually dig so I'm going to keep repeating it. That, and "Judge not lest ye be judged", which I like to whip out whenever the church nuts tell me to put my clothes on and get out of their yard.