BlameBush!

It's Official: Republicans Hate Sex

Rejoice, rejoice, rejoice!  Bush is out, Obama is in, and a rightfully Democratic Congress is poised to pass a comprehensive stimulus package that will pull us out of the Great Depression II and put the Bush years behind us once and for all!  It's as if the entire world has wheezed a sigh of relief. For the first time in my life, I am proud of my country.

But when I woke up this morning, the Repugs had already ruined it for me. It appears that the few remaining neocons in Congress have scuttled a key provision of the stimulus package that would've provided free contraception for ordinary Americans.

WHAT IN THE NAME OF GODDESS IS THEIR PROBLEM? WE WON THE ELECTION, DAMMIT, NOT THEM!  AMERICANS VOTED UNANIMOUSLY FOR CHANGE LAST NOVEMBER, SO REPUBLICANS NEED TO EITHER STOP OBSTRUCTING OBAMA AND OBEY HIM, OR JUST SIT DOWN, SHUT UP, AND LET DEMOCRATS FIX THE MESS BUSH MADE! 

And if there's one thing that can jump start an ailing economy, it's FREE RUBBERS!

Think about it. You lost your job. They've foreclosed on your home. You have nothing left in your pockets but a couple bucks and a handful of condoms. So you go downtown and pick up a 2-dollar whore to help you forget your troubles. The hooker gives your money to her pimp, who uses it to buy some bling at the pawn shop. The pawnbroker spends his money on some more expensive hookers, who are freelancing to pay their tuition at Berkeley. Their Gender Studies professym makes a downpayment on a new hybrid car. The car dealership buys more hyrids from the manufacturer to meet the rising demand. Autoworkers get a little extra in their paychecks. Once you subtract taxes and union dues, they have just enough left to go downtown a pick up a 2-dollar whore. The cycle begins anew.

Trickle-down Reaganomics are a failed philosophy, as the current state of our economy has shown. Trickle-UP economics will be the way of our Brave New World, but it won't work if Republicans don't get over their hang-ups about sex.

Goose-Murdering Lunatic Worshipped as a "Hero"

At exactly 9:30 AM on January 15, 2009, a flock of unsuspecting geese was sucked into the engines of United Airways Flight 1549 out of New York's La Guardia airport. Karma, it seems, wasted no time catching up with the sinister aircraft, for it suddenly spiraled out of control and plunged into the icy water of the Hudson River. Save for the passengers and crew, there were no survivors.

Desperate for another "Joe the Plumber" to ruin Obama's historical day in the sun, the Right Wing Media is hailing the pilot of the Death Plane, Chelsey Sullenberger III, as a "hero". Excuse me, but if I moseyed on down to the local park and took a weed-whacker to a flock of endangered waterfowl, they'd lock me up and throw away the key - and rightly so. Indeed, in a sane, rational, progressyve world, Sullenberger would be frog-marched out of the airport in leg irons. Instead, he gets the key to the city and gushing adoration from the so-called "unbiased press". Worse of all, he shows absolutely no remorse for the lives he destroyed.

"After the crash, (Chauncy Goose-Slayer III) was sitting there in the ferry terminal, wearing his hat, sipping his coffee and acting like nothing happened," one eyewitness complained.

 "That guy is one cool customer," a horrified airlines official wept. "He was...behaving like it was just another day at the office."

No shame. No guilt. No conscience. That's the mark of a true sociopath. Kind of reminds you of certain chimpy someone who is at this moment enjoying the last of his stolen days in the White House, doesn't it?

Sadly, both Charles Winchester III and George W. the Shrub will most likely never be tried for their crimes against either humanity or Anatidae. One can only hope that as investigators sift through the mangled, mutilated remains of the slaughtered geese, new evidence will come to light that will put both these murderous neocon bastards behind bars forever.

Book Review: Ann Bimbot Coulter's Guilty

The was a rumor going around that Nazi bimbot, Ann Coulter, had a new book out - so I checked my testicles and sure enough, they were the size of peas. Every time that venom-spewing slut releases one of her right-wing hate screeds, my gonads shrivel up like shrinky-dinks in a microwave. This, her latest in a long line of racist tomes, must be a real doozy because my family jewels haven't been this tiny since Sarah Palin put lipstick on a pit bull. 

It's like waking up in the morning to discover that someone performed gender reassignment surgery on you in your sleep. The bad news is that it makes it next to impossible to write an informative, comprehensive review of the hatemongering hater's book without it deteriorating into a series of catty remarks about her hair, or those bony elbows and cottage cheese thighs of hers...not to mention that bowling ball-sized Adam's apple. And she has the GALL to criticize Michelle Obama's pantsuits? HOW DARE SHE?! She looks like someone who just crawled out of a David Bowie look-alike contest in a concentration camp. The only reason the right-wingers like her is because she's so damn HOT. Ooooohh I could just SCRATCH HER PRETTY LITTLE EYES OUT!!!!

Whoo! There I go again.  My estrogen is through the ROOF right now. Can you imagine what would happen if I actually read her book? My genitals would dwindle away completely, to be replaced by a huge, gaping hole from which nothing - not even light - could escape.  That might get me a job writing op-eds for the Huffington Post or the New York Times, but it just try sitting at a desk with office products, heavy machinery, and entire families of undocumented workers spiraling into the dark vortex of your mangina. I don't know how Paul Krugman does it.

So as much as it pains me to say it, I won't be reviewing the hussy's book this time. In fact, I'm going to stay as far away from it as possible. If you value your chestnuts, I suggest you do the same.