BlameBush!

Controversy Surrounds Tomb of Unknown Babykillers

Some consider it a tragic reminder of the price paid for imperialist U.S. wars of aggression. Others are just right-wing, jingoist chickenhawks and their opinion doesn't matter anyway.  But thanks to the ravages of Bush's global warming, the Tomb of the Unknowns is in terrible shape and deteriorating rapidly.  Officials at Arlington National Cemetery are faced with a serious dilemma: should they restore the tomb to it's original glory, or replace it entirely?

The answer is a resounding No! No! A thousand times, NO!!!!  Forget for a moment that the Tomb of the Unknowns is a tragic reminder of the price paid for imperialist U.S. wars of aggression. The words chiseled into the monument's surface: "HERE RESTS IN HONORED GLORY AN AMERICAN SOLDIER KNOWN BUT TO GOD" are a clear violation of the Separation Between Church and State - that very principle that the babykillers sealed within were sworn to defend.  In order to honor their service and their sacrifice, the monument must be dismantled and replaced with a more secular tribute - such as a 20' statue of Obama, with a kneeling pillow at His feet so that all Americans can reflect upon His greatness.

For Second Time in Her Life, Michelle Obama is Proud of Her Country

I haven't had time to do much blogging these days, but I have been watching the TV coverage of the Democratic National Convention, my face pressed against the glass like a kid at a candy store. The convention comes around only once every four years, but it's like Christmas for liberals - complete with 30 or 40 Santas to dole out tasty treats of liberal wisdom sprinkled with sugary sweet class warfare goodness. So far, we've heard from great progressive thinkers like Jimmy Carter, Bill Richardson, Melissa Etheridge, and Wavy Gravy. But as much as Hillary's unification speech made the hair on my testicles tingle, Michelle Obama really stole the show with her inspirational and touching oratory.

The role of the potential first lady at any Democratic Convention is to bring her husband "down to earth", so to speak, and create for Americans the false illusion that he is a mere mortal and not any better than the unwashed, gun and bible-clinging hordes whose votes they need.  Michelle, or as I like to call her, "Mee-chelle", accomplished this wonderfully by sharing some amusing anecdotes of Barack's propensity for coming home after a long day at the shooting range, pounding a few brewskis, and then beating the kids unconscious with the family copy of the King James.

The highlight of the evening, however, was Michelle's stunning confession that she loves her country, and then not bothering to follow it up with the traditional "but....". I'm not sure the Red State Retards bought it, but she gave it a shot anyways. Frankly, it's a shame that she even had to. Funny how people automatically assume that Republicans are patriotic, but Democrats have to constantly reassure voters that despite their words and their actions, they really do love their country.

John Edwards: More Human Than Human

Former presidential candidate and son of mill worker, John Edwards, announced last week that he had a "liason" with a member of his campaign staff.   It took great courage for Edwards to admit that he did something "wrong" after he was caught red-handed doing it. He only kept it a secret this long in order to protect his wife and kids from shame and embarrassment. If the sensationalist neocons at the National Enquirer had cared as much about Edwards' family as he does, he'd still be banging Reille Hunter in total secrecy.

But don't worry - although he had a "liason" with Hunter and possibly fathered a grandson of a mill worker, he doesn't love her. That would have been like "cheating" on his wife, and he's not a slimeball, you know.  He's a human being, and human beings make human mistakes. In fact, the more such mistakes John Edwards makes, the more human he is. Bill Clinton, Jesse Jackson, and John Edwards are probably the most human people on Earth right now. 

Compare them to George W. Bush. If the Shrub ever cheated on his wife, he's probably not cheating on her RIGHT now, and that only proves how inhuman he really is.

Polluter Bush Hiding Fresh Air Inside Your Car's Tires

"We could save all the oil that they're talking about getting off drilling, if everybody was just inflating their tires and -- and -- and getting regular tune-ups, you can actually save just as much." - President Barack Obama

Less than ten minutes after President Obama issued his holy fatwa about filling our tires with air to bring down gas prices, I was already down at the local Jiffy Lube demanding to speak to the fascist in charge.

"I want answers," I demanded, furiously pounding my fist on the counter, "and I want them NOW!"

I keep telling you," the neo-con chickenhawk manager persisted. "They're those round rubber things on the bottom of your car!"

"And you fill them up with AIR?" I pressed him further.

"For the last time," he sighed, "YES."

This wasn't good. Despite his godlike intelligence, President Obama obviously didn't think this thing through. Every ounce of air we put into our tires is one less ounce that humans - and more importantly, animals - have for breathing. It's air stolen directly from the lungs of Mother Earth and replaced with deadly exhaust fumes. It's a terrible crime against nature that has been going on right under our very noses for years. Apparently, the Jiffy Lube has been surreptitiously - and without my consent - filling my tires with AIR every time I take the Prius in for a tune-up.

Well, I told Jiffy Jim in no uncertain terms to release the air imprisoned within my so-called "tires" hereto and forthwith.

"But sir," he complained, intentionally neglecting to employ a gender-neutral pronoun, "if I deflate your tires, you won't be able to drive your car out of here."

This is why uneducated conservatives will never be able to compete against enlightened progressives in a game of wits. He really thought he had me stumped, but I was one step ahead of him.

"So fill then back up again," I instructed him, "with greenhouse gases!"

It was brilliant! By freeing the air stashed within my tires and replacing it with the greenhouse gases that were destroying the plant, I could essentially kill two of Bush's nasty little birds with one stone.

The manager, of course, couldn't grasp such a complex idea with his tiny, reptilian brain. He gave me that same look I get from rethugs whenever I bring up the Downing Street Memos during a conversation about potato salad.  But all cons are motivated by greed, so after I offered to pay him $100 to replace the air in my tires with greenhouse gases, he finally agreed to the task. He even requested that I send my progressive friends and co-workers over to have the service done on their vehicles. 

The down side is that you have to leave your car there overnight. It's worth it, though, to save the planet. I picked up my Prius this afternoon - and although it's a deep red color, it's the greenest car on the road.