BlameBush!

McClellan: "Condi Wouldn't Gimme No Sugar!"

I must first preface this review by clearly stating that I haven't read Scott McClellan's tell-all book, and am therefore every bit as qualified to comment on it as Nancy Pelosi, Barack Obama, or any other progressive blogger out there. But one thing that struck me about Lying for Hitler was McClellan's damning indictment of Condoskeeza Rice, whom he describes as "hard to get to know" and "completely unwilling to give me any sugar."

One would expect Dick Halliburton Cheney (whose daughter is a lesbian) to be cold and unfriendly, or KKKarl Rove to be secretive and distant, but a sistah should have a little more soul.

As Richard Clarke recalled in his own Tome of Truth, when he informed then National Security Advisor that Osama Bin Laden was determined to attack the United States, Rice simply flashed him a "No shit, Sherlock!" expression and hurried off to some silly national security meeting without even bothering to give him some sugar.

Now we learn that McClellan didn't get any sugar, either.

As the first African-American Secretary of State - indeed, the FIRST African-American woman even allowed to enter a Republican White House through the front door - Rice could have prevented Bush's illegal and immoral war in Iraq by simply giving Scott McClellan a little sugar. Instead, she squandered the opportunity by being totally professional to McClellan and Clarke at all times. One only hopes that as more disgruntled Bush staffers pen their own tell-all books, new evidence will emerge of how unwilling to give people sugar Condoleeza Rice really is.

Carbon Rationing...That's Progress!

Progressive Great Britain has announced plans to boldly lead the world back to 1990, and perhaps even further, with a brilliant new idea to ration carbon use. According the plan, the government would issue every British citizen a set amount of carbon credits every year that they could then spend to on fuel for their cars, heat for their homes, or the latest news on Amy Winehouse's weeping, infected scabs. If someone happens to go over their allotted carbon credits, they can purchase more (through an approved carbon-trading agency) from those who lead green enough lifestyles to have extra left over - namely homeless people and bedridden vegetables.

Personally, I think it's a wonderful idea. Through simple rationing, every single person, rich or poor, would be forced to leave the same sized carbon footprint. Then each year, the government could reduce the amount of carbon credits alloted. Before long, the climate would return to normal, the air would be a little cleaner, and everyone would be happily living in mud huts and eating their young.

That's progress!

Unfortunately, the plan may never get off the drawing board. Even in enlightened Europe, people are still too selfish and obsessed with surviving through winter to accept such a revolutionary idea.

"It's got potential but, in essence, it's ahead of its time," laments British Environment Minister Hilary Benn. "There are a lot of practical problems to overcome."

Such as where to pile the bodies, no doubt. But it's a dilemma that other Third World countries have faced for centuries. I'm sure Great Britain could turn to them for advice as it slowly joins their ranks.

Suggestion to Bathe Actually a Thinly-Veiled Attack on My Body Odor

Something happened at last night's meeting of Code: Operation Democracy NOW!.org (an offshoot of Support Our Babykilling Troops*) that I need to get off my chest. In the middle of an impromptu session of tantric sex for world peace, the group leader made an offhand suggestion that "Some people need to make it a habit to bathe regularly and use deodorant".

"How dare you accuse me of being stinky!" I screeched, angrily swatting at a swarm of gnats. "Stop engaging in the politics of personal destruction!" Well, that was a terrible mistake on my part, because then everyone knew that it was I who reeked of cat piss and patchouli.

I'm just glad Hillary and Obama are smart enough to not fall into the same trap.

*But not the war.

Free at Last, Free at Last, Good Golly Miss Molly, Free at Last!

The California Supreme Court's unanimous decision in favor of same-sex marriage is not only a victory for the Gay Community against mean straight people, but a triumph for equal rights. Up until today, only heterosexuals were allowed to marry members of the same gender. Now gays can, too!  More importantly, the court's ruling is a noble gesture of compassion for a race of people that has suffered far too long under the cloak of oppression.

Imagine waking up every day knowing that simply because of the person you choose to love, you'll have to file your taxes differently than everyone else. Hitler did the exact same thing to the Jews! It's a cruel indignity no human being should be forced to endure.

Caring for a sick loved one is also something we all take for granted, but in most states gays can't visit other gays in the hospital. It's against the law! What if the only person you ever loved was on their death bed, and you weren't even allowed to be at their side in their final moments to say, "Gosh, I'm sorry I gave you AIDS"?  It's hard for us insensitive heterosexuals to envision such a nightmare, but it's a terrible reality that members of the deeply passionate and overly dramatic Gay Community suffer through every day.

The California Supreme Court has finally removed the tiny "except for gays" asterisk on their state's Bill of Rights with this nifty new law they've written. I pray to a gender-neutral God that a more progressive SCOTUS under President Hillary follows suit and legalizes same-sex marriage nationwide - centuries of tradition and the moral fabric of society be damned.

Hillary Takes West Virginia!

W-E-S-T-V-I-R-G-I-N-I-A spells "Landslide Victory" for Hillary and, as she aptly pointed out, no Democrat has ever lost West Virginia and won the White House. Obama may just as well end his frivolous campaign now, rather than divide the Big Tent even further than he already has. Sure, Obama is to be commended for somehow winning the most delegates, but Hillary has the White Vote, and that's all that matters.

In fact, I don't even know why we bother to hold primaries in the other states, especially states where brainwashed Blacks might vote against Hillary.  Think of all the money the Democrat Party would save if we'd just let West Virginians pick our nominee every year. Specifically, uneducated White male West Virginians - the same people who were idiots when they voted for Bush but are now blue-collar, hard-working Americans who are ready for a change, and proud to call Robert Byrd their Senator and former Grand Dragon. It's those kind of decent, down to earth, Joe Sixpack voters that Democrats should be courting if we're to defeat Racist McSame this November.

Bush Orders Warships to Myanmar

Four U.S. Navy warships were ordered to the cyclone-ravaged nation of Myanmar today, exactly 1875 days after Bush declared "Mission Accomplished" aboard an aircraft carrier while Iraq, and our Constitution burned.

The Shrub insists, of course, that these vessels are simply carrying much needed food and supplies to the Myanmar people. I suppose that after causing the cyclone with his refusal to ratify Kyoto, he can buy their silence with a few crates of Spam. But the Myanmarian government knows better. They're fully aware that Bush's sudden display of altruism is merely a thinly veiled ploy to invade their Socialist Utopia and steal their secrets - such as their wonderful socialized health care system. No doubt Bush also has his eye on their vast, untapped supply of biting gnats, as well as the coveted Yarping Gibbon, whose left testicle is said to be a strong aphrodisiac when ground into a fine powder and mixed with the milk of the Yak. Such a prize would be a perfect wedding gift for his drunk of a slut daughter who will be expected to get crackin' on producing the next heir to the Chimp dynasty, and perhaps one day the White House.

No matter. The Bushes are as bereft of guilt as they are of compassion. I'm sure Jenjen will sleep comfortably in her wedding bed while Bush's battleships rain fire on Myanmar under the guise of "humanitarian relief".

Free Gas for North Carolinans!

A special thanks to all you White Niggers out there who loyally handed Indiana to your native daughter tonight. For those of you in North Carolina who have yet to cast your vote in support of Hillary, I have two words: "FREE GAS!!"

Oh, you like the sound of that, do you? I'll say it again: FREE GAS all summer long to everyone in North Carolina who shows Hillary some love tonight.

If you don't think she can do it, guess again. She's already promised a nationwide summer vacation from the federal gas tax, paid for with a new punitive tax on Big Oil. Progressive logic then dictates that all she has to do is amp it up a few degrees to say, a 100% tax on all oil profits, and everyone in North Carolina can enjoy free fill-ups all summer long.

It's simple economics, folks. But don't bother confirming that with any economists. They're all either elitist Repugs or on Obama's payroll.

So to recap: Free gas for all North Carolinans all summer long. Especially for Black males between the ages of 18 and 35. The polls are probably closed, so that means there's still plenty of time to get out there and vote in the more Democratic areas.