Celine Dion to Release "My Heart Will Go On" Blood & Feces Smeared Edition

Canadian Pop Diva Celine Dion announced plans today to re-record her blockbuster single My Heart Will Go On as a new Blood & Feces-Smeared Edition.

Over the next several months, Dion plans to become impregnated by several homeless drug addicts. She will then strap several cats to her naked body and throw herself down a flight of stairs. Her wails of agony as she miscarries will be recorded and put to music.

To differentiate the single from any of her other recordings, Dion will smear the CD cover with her own blood and feces.

Dion insists that her intention isn't to shock or offend, but I can already hear the right-wing anti-choice Jesus freaks huffing and puffing and calling for boycotts.

Conservatives have absolutely no appreciation for fine art.

Comments

[Pissed of Etiquette]

What a haunting tribute this will be to the plight of someone or something! Celine continues to be one of America's few gifts to the world.

[me24]

Sheesh .. FIRST!

[me24]

tsk tsk ... First and a half!

Celine Dion is Canadian.
Were you making a joke?

[Che Gaiavera]

As long as she doesn't encourage anyone to remake Titanic, I approve.

[Bush4Ever]

"Her wails of agony as she miscarries will be recorded and put to music."

Again?

[Fist of Etiquette]

Celine Dion is Canadian. Were you making a joke?

A joke, sir? Me? NEVER!

But, for the record, unless Bush has redrawn the borders (which I wouldn't put past him), Canada is still part of North America. You know who is another great Canadian? Bruce Springsteen.

[Dodger]

In light of this, I feel we should just surrender in Iraq.

[Fist of Etiquette]

LEAVE CELINE ALONE!!! Celine Dion could jump onto a seatless bicycle and the resulting sounds coming out of her mouth would be equally as impressive as any of her previous works!

Now, Titanic as a movie was a disaster! Where to start? First, there was no Global Warming Climate Change back then so how could there be ice calving? And the ending was a real downer. Why couldn't they just repair the Titanic at the last minute and row the ship triumphantly into LaGuardia? Maybe plug the leak with Leo Dicaprio's ego, or Billy Zane's good judgement.

[Che Gaiavera]

30-second synopsis of Titanic.

"Oh Mum! I do so wish to go to Disneyland."
"Crikey! I reckon I won me a ticket!"
"You're a scoundrel!"
"Crikey! I should hit that before she chubs up."
"I think I love you"
"Cmmmphy! Mmmpph mmm mpph mmph mmm!"
"That's my fiance! So how does my dick taste, pretty boy?"
"Crikey! I think we hit something!"
"Let's go above deck!"
"Let's go below deck!"
"Let's go above deck!"
"Let's go below deck!"
"Let's go above deck!"
"Let's go below deck!"
"Let's go above deck!"
"Let's go below deck!"
"Let's go above deck!"
"Let's go below deck!"
"Let's go above deck!"
"Let's go below deck!"
"Let's go above deck!"
"Let's go below deck!"
"Let's go above deck!"
"Let's go below deck!"
"Let's go above deck!"
"Let's go below deck!"
"Let's go above deck!"
"Let's go below deck!"
"Let's go above deck!"
"Let's go below deck!"
"Let's go above deck!"
"Let's go below deck!"
"Crikey! I reckon you have to live!"
"Poor, poor me! This priceless diamond is as worthless as I felt when he gave me that pearl necklace."

[Fist of Etiquette]

And, "Let's go below deck!" is a euphemism for what, again?

[Che Gaiavera]

"Cmmmphy! Mmmpph mmm mpph mmph mmm!"

[Fist of Etiquette]

No, below deck. I know what above deck means, I'm not an idiot.

[Che Gaiavera]

Oh, that!

[Fist of Etiquette]

Well, I have no one to blame but myself.

[FlowerOfPower]

Celine Dion is a hoax? Why did no one tell me?

[feelthelove]

Celine Dion has sold her soul to the corporate devil known as "Las Vegas." She might as well be American.
Only wealthy people who are evil and never give a dime to anyone live in America. The ROI pays all the bills of the world...they keep world peace and support the UN by signing up in droves to be part of the peacekeeping forces, and volunteer to serve in NGOs that will soon end world hunger, poverty and want.

[Menstrual Rainbow]

I was queuing to watch Titanic back in 1997 when I overheard people leaving the cinema talking about the boat sinking at the end. Honestly don't people know not to give the ending away?

[feelthelove]

I know what you mean, MenArche of many colors...I felt that way when Tom Hanks found out that Dumbledore died...and they hadn't even made the movie.

[Friend of USA]

Pope Security Police Bag Beaver in East River
Animal Was 'Struggling' to Swim Near United Nations

FoxNews, Friday, 18 Apr 2008, 7:12 PM EDT

MYFOXNY.COM -- The NYPD's Harbor Unit, patrolling the East River near the United Nations as a part of security operations for the Pope's visit, rescued an apparently sick beaver from the water.

The ever-vigilant harbor cops spotted the animal, which appeared to be having trouble breathing and struggled to swim, not far from the U.N., where the Pope was speaking.

Police Officer John Angus caught the beaver in a safety noose, pulled it aboard, and placed it in a bucket with water. Officers brought the beaver to shore for transport to an animal hospital.

They did not say if they considered the animal to be a security risk.

But "it has pretty big claws," said Lt. John Harkins of the NYPD SCUBA team. He indicated the beaver was four feet long and about 40 pounds.

No word if the beaver was trying to get a closer look at the Pope.

--Arun Kristian Das/MyFox New York

... ... ...

Celine Dion, drug-addict impregnations, feces-art, a beaver, the pope, the United Nations and more...

there is enough material to write a best-seller book, make a Hollywood movie plus 2 sequels out of it.

[Che Gaiavera]

Oh sure. Like the Pope would even know a beaver when he saw one, let alone know how to make it feel good.

[xxxxliberal]

But the question is, was it a security risk??

[mandible claw]

30-second synopsis of Titanic.
Posted by: Che Gaiavera | April 18, 2008 at 07:04 PM

i am speechless. there will never be a better synopsis written of that Gaia-awful movie, ever.

/mandible claw begins to clap hands slowly, breaking the stunned silence of the crowd. soon the entire arena is in an uproar. the solitary figure of Che stands in the centre with tears streaming down his face. stage right, me24, paul and mr hands are reunited and their love which had burned so brightly, only to fade with the ravages of time and prolapsed colons, is rekindled anew.

oops dammit i wasn't supposed to leak the script until wednesday.

[mandible claw]

Celine Dion is a horse? and none of you bastards saw fit to mention this to Kenneth Pinyan before he agreed to participate in her previous performance art project?

You are all as responsible for his death as you are for the deaths of each and every single one of the millions of babies slaughtered in Iraq (but not for the ones used in Amanda Svarth's fine work)

I wonder if the planned adaptation of mr hands' story for the big screen will be as poignant as the original straight-to-video version..

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0874423/

[me24]

"there will never be a better synopsis written of that Gaia-awful movie, ever."

Agreed. I thoroughly enjoyed that from Che what's-his-name.

[feelthelove]

Carter thought rabbits were a security risk, and Dick Cheney wasn't even there to help.