Guess Who Started the California Wildfires

"Take a vacation," Chairman Dean ordered me. "Go someplace sunny and and warm, someplace where you can get some R & R - or else you're going to start losing your grip on reality, and then you'll be no use to any of us come election time. And for screeching out loud, put on some pants." 

Maybe he was right. Maybe I did need a little peace and quiet, someplace far away from the fast-paced world of blogging, someplace where I could be alone with my thoughts. Last week's Dennis Kucinich campaign rally outside Malibu met all the criteria. But by my thirteenth ginseng colonic, I was so giddy that I accidentally dropped my glaucoma medication onto the dry grass right as the infamous Santa Ana winds kicked in. The fire quickly shot up the hillside, and before I knew it the entire canyon was ablaze. Clouds of black, acrid smoke filled the once clear blue skies, and the pristine Los Angeles air suddenly became unbreathable.

So I fled Southern California convinced that I was responsible for the vast wildfires which are now consuming millions of acres of untouched wilderness and the palacial estates of thousands of our most talented and beautiful progressives. While the ignorant Repugnithug morons would predictably blame environmentalists for the fires, my liberal brethren would logically conclude that they were sparked by a lethal cocktail of Global Warming and disastrous Bush policies ranging from his Illegal and Immoral War in Iraq to the Defense of Marriage Amendment. But as a bastion of truth, I knew I had to stand up like a emotionally neutered yet biologically male adult and force my mother to take full responsibility for not giving me any attention in my youth, save to chase me around the house with a spatula whenever she caught me masturbating. As much as I despise Bush, I would not allow anyone to turn something that was clearly Mother's fault into an opportunity for puerile partisan bickering.

It wasn't until I returned home last evening that I learned with great relief (and no surprise) that it was not a maternally-fueled act of arson that sparked the deadly blaze, but something far more insidious. I am, of course, referring to No Child Left Behind.

Bush's No Child Left Behind program - specifically the school vouchers provision thereof - foolishly allows poorer, more combustible children to flee inner-city schools and pile up in the wealthier suburbs like dry kindling. It's a recipe for disaster that needs only a dash of tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent of Americans to turn an idyllic progressive paradise into Dante's inferno.

Think about it. Anyone who is worth listening to knows that wildfires have grown in intensity over the past few centuries. In the year 1300, for instance, the number of wildfires in Los Angeles was so insignificant that no one even bothered recording it. Even in 1750, only three Californians lost their homes to fires. Compare that to the 1,300 which were destroyed in this, the latest of Bush's so-called "natural" disasters, and you'll realize that wasn't until 2001 and the enactment of No Child Left Behind that the torching of the Golden State became an annual event.

The Shrub surveyed his handiwork like a proud papa today, and will comfortably tonight in his smug warm bed tonight while Barbra Streisand sleeps on a cot in a gymnasium thanks to his reckless policies. But now is not the time to play politics with the misfortune of others. Until Congress revokes the Patriot Act and enacts tough new laws to insure that abortions remain safe, legal, and rare, children from low-income families will continue to ignite like roman candles amongst our most progressive communities.

Comments

[feelthelove]

First!

[Intellectual Conservative]

Second!

Bravo on the post ... reminds me of when, after Kerry lost, KPFK-FM (leftish loony bomb thrower radio on Pacifica) devoted a whole program to why John Kerry's FENG SHUI was the reason he lost the election ..

Feng Shui ... now I do think that is where Cartman would say 'Feng Shui .. what the .. '? :)

[feelthelove]

George Carlin and Jamie Lee Curtis are hitting the talk show circuit bleating about the effects of overbuilding...not that their banks were heavily invested in urban sprawl. And Ms. Curtis reminds us to not water our lawns. I think I will spit on mine.

[Dodger]

In light of this, I feel we should just surrender in Iraq.

[The Exorcist]

"vast wildfires which are now consuming millions of acres of untouched wilderness and the palacial estates of thousands of our most talented and beautiful progressives"

Breaking News - This cat has chops.

[camojack]

You want to know what really burns me up?

[Im.mad.as.HELL!]

Let me get this straight. The left behind kids self combust or do you need to bring your own matches?

It could not have been your fault because there are a half dozen fires but only one Kucinich rally. You didn't mention anything he said. I guess in light of what happened he would not want to have been identified or quoted. Lets see after checking with Hillary he would have said "If he were President this would have never happened."

Seeing that everyone is blaming everyone else. I blame the reporter that tried to corner Republican Governor Schwarzenegger about not enough fighter fire aircraft. Looks like the MSM was down there fanning the flames so to speak. They just love ambulance chasing, hurricanes and man bites dog stores. If they don't find a story they make them up or try to start them in this case. That's it, she's the arsonist! They are looking for her right know.

QUICK CALL THE POLICE I FIGURED OUT WHO DUN IT!!!!
Stop the press we got a good story.

[feelthelove]

We need to recall the firefighters now. No war for houses. We must ask the fire what it wants and try to understand it.

[Fist of Etiquette]

I created several scale model eucalyptus trees out of cinder blocks, chicken wire and kerosene in my backyard. I then paid two hoboes to enact a scene in which the first hobo is choking on a pretzel and falls into the second hobo who, as a direct result, stops groping the blow-up "starlet" doll and drops his lit cigar at the base of the eucalyptus trees.

I don't want to jump to conclusions since I haven't finished my calculations, but I think I just may have this thing solved.

[Friend of USA]

" We need to recall the firefighters now. No war for houses. We must ask the fire what it wants and try to understand it."

I think you deserve the Nobel Peace Prize just for that!

[Methinks]

I second FoU's nomination of FTL for the Nobel Piece Pryze!

And the $hrub needs to be tried in the Hague for his war crimes - killing babies in Afghanistan and Iraq and now at home with Katrina and the California fires.

Boy, if Chimpie thought Hollywood hated him before, he's really going to get the brunt of their botoxed, lifted, nipped and tucked wrath now that he's burned down their mansions!!!

[Friend of USA]

FTL has inspired me,

I think I will save hundreds of dollars next winter - early this morning there was frost on cars here in the Montreal region...in October...

I will ask the cold what it wants and try to understand it.

I need to recall all those heaters.

No war for warmth!

...

Hey maybe this would work with body odors?

We need to recall soap and body deodorants now.

No war for nice odors!

We must ask arm pits and itchy butt cracks what they want and try to understand them.

...

[Dangerous Dave]

FofUSA:
Your negotiations must be working since I didn't need to defrost my windows this morning. This is the first time in weeks that my windows were perfectly clear when I got into my Hybrid.

Of course, I don't have a job, so I generally just clear the glass while listening to Progressyve talk radio, but even I'm too broke to afford gas for my hybrid, thanks to Bushler and his $180 a barrel oil.

If it weren't for NCLB and the tax cuts for the rich, I bet gas would be back down under $1.50 a gallon. Or, for we progressyves, $.88 per litre.

[DancesWithBullets]

Has anyone told Al Gore about these fires? Whats the carbon offset balance for a California?

Remember fill up your cars in the afternoon to prevent Global warming. All this artificial haze created by you nasty rotten humans is blocking a clear pristine view of the natural smoke.

[Arbiter]

George Bush doesn't care about blackened trees.

[Dave]

I knew it! I knew it. He's been on quite a roll as of late. the Bridge collapse in Minnesota, Putting the boots to Randy Rhodes( who I thought died back in 82 in a plane crash) in New York two weeks ago, And now this. When will the terror end?

Moonbat mode off:

here's a joke for you crazy kids...

An German farmer was walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond.

The farmer shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht! Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen."

(Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have shit in it.")

The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English."

The farmer says in prefect english: "Use two hands,. You'll get more."

[Beverly]

Brilliant!!

[Arbiter]

Dave, that had me laughing my ass off. Good one!

[Libby Gone™]

re:Putting the boots to Randy Rhodes( who I thought died back in 82 in a plane crash)
I am afraid the wrong Randy Rhoads was exterminated by Ronald Reagan in the plane crash cover up....
This Randi Rhoads wouldn't know a diminished minor from a discriminated youth.

[Tailfetha]

Just think of what we could have done with all the money wasted fighting this stupid fire!

[aelfheld]

Palacial?

[Fist of Etiquette]

UPDATE: My yard is on fire and the bums are dead.

Bottom line, the San Diego fires were sparked from Bush's space shuttle that NASA recently launched from its secret base in what I guess is Southern California.

[feelthelove]

He has a secret base in So. Cal? I understand that the sports arena had no rapes, murders or defecations in it. That they were having a party. Is that true?

[Methinks]

UPDATE: My yard is on fire and the bums are dead.

George Bush doesn't care about bums.

Or black people.

That's what Kanye "Jesus" West says, so it must be true.

[Arbiter]

Lies lies lies and more fucking lies!! Who will join me in protesting this piece of crap? I've been given a ton of money from a donor who wishes to remain anonymous to protest these lies!!