Senator and future President Hillary Rodham Clinton spoke candidly Monday about her belief in a Being perhaps more Divine than herself, and how this Being helped her find a way to package her husband’s Vast, Right-Wing Infidelity as a testament to her own strength and courage.
"I take my faith very seriously and very personally," Sen. Clinton told the crowd of devoutly progressive evangelicals at a Sojourners Call to Renewal forum, which she and two other presidential hopefuls had stumbled into purely by accident. "And I come from a tradition that is perhaps a little too suspicious of people who wear their faith on their sleeves. But since ya’ll brought it up...”
With a quick tug of the rosary given to the Senator by Mother Teresa at the Pope's funeral, a tall bearded figure sprang forth seemingly from her ass and gazed down upon the startled audience.
“I’m not sure I could have gotten through it without my Inflatable Jesus!” Hillary declared to enthusiastic applause.
“Nor I,” John Edwards agreed, giving his own Inflatable Jesus a chummy pat on the back. “I admit I strayed from my faith for a while, but when my teenage son was killed in a car accident outside the mill my father worked at, or when I was campaigning in the Bible Belt, Inflatable Jesus was there for me. Through thick or thin, I knew I could always pull my Inflatable Jesus out of my ass in times of trouble. ”
To woo the hordes of brainwashed Christofascist sheep into their flock, discerning Progressive Candidates turn to The Inflatable Jesus® by Hasbro. Inflatable Jesus is ideal for those who wish to affirm their religious beliefs without letting it interfere with their political agenda. The last thing anyone needs is the Son of God ruining their standing with NARAL, or scaring off the gay vote. But the Inflatable Jesus can be pulled out of your ass and inflated in an instant, then deflated and tucked away when his presence is no longer needed.
Inflatable Jesus comes in three colors: White, Black, and Obama.
The Brigades are seething that there's no Inflatable Muhammed!
But at least we're...
FIRST!!
Posted by: al-Bundy Martyr Brigades | June 08, 2007 at 08:05 PM
THE POWER OF CHOMSTEIN COMPELS ME!
THE POWER OF CHOMSTEIN COMPELS ME!
THE POWER OF CHOMSTEIN COMPELS ME!
Posted by: The Exorcist | June 08, 2007 at 08:07 PM
Some idiot didn't get a big enough oxygen pump.
We salute you, our half-inflated Dark Lord!
"Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the free market!"
- Allystur Anton von Mises Randencrowburger
Posted by: Libertarian666 | June 08, 2007 at 08:51 PM
Clearly the fault of the j000z!
Posted by: MMM'Billy | June 08, 2007 at 09:00 PM
Arbs will want to know if the inflatable Muhammed would like to be in a threesome.
Posted by: aha | June 08, 2007 at 10:12 PM
You are my literary hero
Sounds like those Bible thumpers beat you black and blue one time too many
Being from the Bible belt myself - I have many permanent scars from those thrashings
( to the inflatable Muhammed comments }
I think the followers prefer camels to prophets for their threesome partners - due to the bonus values of fleas crawling around stimulating them in all the right areas
But who knows - Possibilities abound
Posted by: shiningwolf | June 08, 2007 at 10:27 PM
Hasbro? Bah! The only REAL Inflatable Jesus® was made by Wham-O in the late 1960's.
The first ones were inflated by a small C02 canister. Some lunkhead in Kenosha, Wisconsin swallowed the cannister, swelled up like Rush Limbaugh at an Old Country Buffet and then exploded. Ralph Nader sued the company and that's when they started using the hand pump. It was a disaster. When you need pneumatic salvation, you don't want to mess around with a damn pump!
Wham-O sold the entire religious line to Hasbro in 1974. My mom bought me a Holy Water Wiggle®, but it really sucked. They tried a product tie-in with the movie The Exorcist. Maybe you saw the commercials. "The power of Christ compels you to have fun in the sun!" The entire marketing team was canned after church riots broke out in Memphis. I think Bob Shrum headed that ad campaign.
I guess Hasbro started using those little cans of compressed air that they sell at Office Depot to clean dust out of a computer.
I should buy an Inflatable Jesus® for old times sake. If nothing else, I can use it in the car to drive in the HOV lane.
Posted by: Mumblix Grumph | June 09, 2007 at 04:17 AM
One night a Savior had a dream. He dreamed He was walking along the beach with a junior senator from New York. Across the sky flashed scenes from her life. For each scene, He noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; one belonging to Him, and the other to the senator.
When the last scene of her life flashed before Him, He looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of her life, there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at certain campaign stops and fundraising events. This really bothered Him and He questioned the senator about it.
"Senator, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with Me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome speaking engagements in your career there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why, when your constituents needed Me most, you would leave Me."
The senator replied, "My precious, precious child, I love You and I would never leave You. It's just, when I need to show the Left I haven't abandoned their enlightened ideals, You become kind of a burden. So, when You see only one set of footprints in the sand, it was when I had chucked You into the ocean."
Looking back upon the sand, the senator then remarked, "What a great place to build a house."
Posted by: Fist of Etiquette | June 09, 2007 at 04:25 AM
My LyfePartner wants to know where the inflate valve is placed on the Inflatable Jesus. S/he says s/he knows where s/he'd put it!
Posted by: Bush4Ever | June 09, 2007 at 05:26 AM
Has anyone considered that Mrs William Jefferson Clinton's communication with an Imaginary Friend might be a sign that it is time we just surrender to every country in The Blessed United Nations?
Posted by: Bush4Ever | June 09, 2007 at 07:10 AM
How I long for the days where the hate-filled howling christofascist sheep could be sedated by Big Bill Clinton carrying a bible the size of a tombstone outside a church. They would see the big dog doing that and go back to reasonless sleep
If Al Gore gets in the race(fingers crossed!)his campaign slogan can be "I'm just like Jesus, but a lot more caring and smart"
Posted by: Dave | June 09, 2007 at 08:43 AM
"where the inflate valve is placed on the Inflatable Jesus"
And is the valve uncircumsized?
Posted by: The Exorcist | June 09, 2007 at 08:44 AM
Aaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhh!!!!!1!!
Posted by: Dodger | June 09, 2007 at 10:23 AM
As a true progessyve, I have to know how anatomically correct is this Jesus blow up doll? Does it have all the important orifices (Like there is an unimportant one!)? How will it feel about being locked up in a trunk all day with a ball gag and a Teletubbies doll?
I have to admit my naivety. Whenever I saw "Jesus Loves You" carved into a mens' room stall or written on an overpass, I had no idea it was actually an advertisement for Hasbro.
Posted by: Che | June 09, 2007 at 10:23 AM
so..Does Inflatable Jesus (pronounced Hey Soooos) leave a carbon footprint...or is it WaterWalker exempt ?
Posted by: csason | June 09, 2007 at 11:01 AM
Hasbro? Who's the bro? This explains the black Jesus and to some degree the Obama Jesus, but what do they call the white Jesus? HasKKKing or HasKingOfPop?
And isn't Hasbro a subsidiary of Halliburton? So Halliburton controls the sElections, the imploding skyscrapers and bin Laden's dialysis machine - and now they're moving in on 80% of the population and those tax free donations.
Sure, they're just KKKrischins who primarily vote Rethuglican anyway so you want to see them taken advantage of. But that money shouldn't belong to Hasbro or their Halliburton masters. I'd much rather see those tax-free dollars going to the DNP so they can change tax-free into tax-increase, just like Jesus turned water into wine.
Posted by: The Exorcist | June 09, 2007 at 11:40 AM
I thought that thing was just a giant hemorrhoid. Thanks for clearing that up!
Posted by: Mark Martin | June 09, 2007 at 11:43 AM
What about the separation of Church and State?!?!?!
And who hid my inflatable Gaia? She's hot . . . and willing.
SoS
Posted by: Son of the South™ | June 09, 2007 at 12:33 PM
White, Black and Obama??
Oh man .. I need to not be drinking a soda when I read this. I just blew $70 on a new PC-gamers keyboard and it's now infested with soda spew .. LOLOL!!
Posted by: Intellectual Conservative | June 09, 2007 at 01:31 PM
The Brigades are seething that there's no Inflatable Muhammed!
Sorry, Al. Actually, the R&D wasn't able to keep the doll deflated. No matter what they did, the Muhammed doll kept blowing itself up.
Posted by: Che | June 09, 2007 at 01:36 PM
"..I need to not be drinking a soda when I read this.. "
yes, there should be some kind of warning.. I got nailed the other day and Larry
has yet to apologize. I know he's busy...what with Inflatable Jesus' popping out
of everybody's ass.
Posted by: csason | June 09, 2007 at 02:29 PM
Kinda like Whack A Mole, isn't it?
Posted by: aha | June 09, 2007 at 06:47 PM
Che...Che...Che. What am I going to do with you? The Mohammed version might give everyone a perforated colon.
Posted by: aha | June 09, 2007 at 06:48 PM
"The Mohammed version might give everyone a perforated colon."
CHA-CHING! That'll be $25, Take On Me!
I trademarked "Perforated Colon" long before Misster/Sister/Twister/Blister/KissedHer/FistHer Ed cornered me in the barn. Of course, that was a few centuries after Mohammad impregnated his goat, but Moslem sex is Moslem sex so pay up.
Posted by: The Exorcist | June 09, 2007 at 08:42 PM
"White, Black, and Obama."
Saved the best part for last, eh? Bravo...
Posted by: camojack | June 09, 2007 at 08:46 PM