1 Down, 224,999,999 Christians to Go

That Jerry Falwell deserved to die goes without saying. But as a caring, compassionate progressive, I can’t derive any joy from the man's death. For all the pain and torment Falwell inflicted upon the people of the world, he simply didn’t suffer enough to get my rocks off.

It was Falwell’s so-called “Moral Majority”, after all, that cursed us with Ronald Raygun - a senile fascist who murdered 178 billion AIDS sufferers by putting flowers on Hitler’s grave. It was Falwell’s evangelical ministry that bilked millions of ignorant, naive morons out of their life savings, essentially stealing potential campaign funds directly from the DNC coffers. It was Falwell himself who viciously attacked "Hinky Binky", a purse-swinging children’s TV character created to help flamboyantly gay toddlers come to grips with their sexuality. And whoamong us could forget Falwell’s infamous and incredibly hateful accusation that gays, lesbians, and the ACLU were responsible for the 9/11 attacks, even though Cindy Sheehan had already revealed that it was actually George Bush and the Zionist NeoCon PNAC Jews who caused the unfortunate incident?

But Falwell’s most heinous act, the one for which he deserves to burn in Hell for all eternity, was that he took all that Bible crap seriously - and convinced others to do so as well. His irrational views against sodomy, pre-marital sex, infanticide, and pornography not only soured voters against the Democrat Party platform, but also put a real damper on my Friday nights.

For all his crimes against humanity, Falwell doesn’t deserve an ounce of the respect any proud liberal would pay a copkiller or a Crip who murdered an entire family for kicks. But while I’d just love to drown myself in the same wave of uncontrollable giddiness that swept the progressive blogosphere when Tony Snow’s cancer returned, Falwell’s quiet and painless passing makes me feel somewhat cheated. He was a hatemongering bigot, and there are 225 million fundamentalist Christian wackos out there who share his beliefs. Until they all share his fate, America will never be free of hate.

Comments

[aha]

First!

[csason]

second !!

[JannyMae]

Richard the THIRD!

[csason]

Well spoken, Larry.. I am glad someone had the guts to actually say it.

One day, some gay toddler will be grateful, that's for sure. Also, there are people out there who actually are ashamed of the coathanger growing out of their heads because of Jerry Falwell.

As for his Moral Majority ... we all know that whole thing was funded by Bush and his big Bible buddies. The Regnikkkans are so gullible to fall for fables and promises of hellfire and damnation if they even think about sodomizing a progressive.. it's sad, because I am certain some of your readers like OWPA would enjoy that.

I was shocked to learn that on election night thousands of these Jesus freaks were holding hands and praying (or whatever you call it..I call it trying to seek the greater good from Gaia) that Bush would be elected so we wouldn't have to have another attack or hurricane...

Damn Bush..

[Bilgeman]

Chom-Steen:

"It was Falwell’s so-called “Moral Majority”, after all, that cursed us with Ronald Raygun"

You're so full of shit, Chom-Steen.
Quit rewriting history.

EVERY "George Soros Progressyve" knows good and god-damned well that it was the OTHER God-worshipping Southern
Bible-thumper, Jimmah Cawtuh, who was to blame for the Rise of the Anti-Christ: Ronald(6) Wilson(6) Reagan(6),

... by his stiff-necked and proud refusal to prostrate and humble himself before the the Risen Messiah, the last and greatest of the Kennedy Trinity, He who rose from the belly of the Oldsmobile and walked upon the water:

Ted Kennedy

If Snake-Handlin' and Poison-drinkin' Jimmah Cawtuh hadn't have been so crazed from moonshine and a-speakin' in tongues, he would have fulfilled his role in Progressyve Scripture as "Jimmy The Baptist"

Instead he got some damned notion of a second term and derailed the whole thing. (Musta been the inbreeding).

That's why he's been cursed to wander in the wilderness for 40 years, building trailers for half-naked savage cannibals and listening to Norwegian academics give speeches.
(Behold the wrath of Kennedy!)

This bit of revisionism on your part has been noted on your permanent file at the George Soros Center for Political Hygiene, Chom-Steen!

[Bush4Ever]

Now that the Bu$Hitler KKKonservative KKKhristian Main KKKonnekkktion to their Imaginary Friend is rotting in the ground, can we PLEASE start Chimpeachment proceedings?

[Fist of Etiquette]

Interesting. Ken Lay, Seung-Hui Cho and now Jerry Falwell. It seems conservatives always find a way of escaping their comeuppance.

[Ali Ali Ali]

...224,999,999 kristians to go- i soooo agree with you, it's scary.

[Libby Gone™]

Jeeze.
Next Im gonna be subjected to the malarky that Jesus Christ himself personally got the shrub off the Sauce.

[Che]

Thank Gaia he's finally gone. I can't tell you how many times I've been run off elementary school property in the last 10 years for wearing a purple teletubbies outfit in my van.

Jerry Fallwell and the rest of his evangelical brood are exactly like Osama Bin Laden, only worse. At least OBL spends a portion of his time building women's health clinics and daycare centers. All FallHell's cronies ever did was convince people to castrate themselves and send him money so they could ride Hale-Bop. Do you know how hard it is to castrate yourself in a purple Teletubbies outfit while driving a van in a school zone without looking conspicuous? I'll tell you. It's real Gaiadamned hard, that's how hard it is!

[Bill Sali Fan]

Larry's right to say that the 225 million KKKhristians are a huge threat to our progryssyve freedoms, but he should also mention that we also hope all the Jooooooos meet a similar fate. Otherwise people could accuse us of hypocrisy, since we wouldn't be treating all Joooodeo-KKKhristian religions equally.

[Beverly]

"...put a real damper on my Friday nights."

Oh My but that is funny stuff right there!!

[Dave]

I'm hoping that instead of just kicking some dirt over that bastard, we could hang him from a treelimb, get some baseball bats, and beat him until he bursts like a intestine filled pinata. It could be shown live on link tv or PBS. Gaia, I hate intolerant, hate filled people!

My Brother(the one that's "successful")is one of Fallwell's hatefilled, bigoted, closed minded, mind numbed robot/zombies.

He once told me "Dave, for a guy that says he doesn't believe in the existence of God, you seem very upset at God." I was so mad at my brother that I didn't even ask him If I could borrow $400 bucks to pay my rent for that month.

When hate filled people like him are sent to reeducation camps I'll miss him.

[Arbiter]

It's not fair that people actually mourn a man who gave his life to "God" and we can't even celebrate the wonderful life that was Tookie Williams. I don't recall Falwell writing even one children's book.

[Nancy Pelosi]

His irrational views against sodomy, pre-marital sex, infanticide, and pornography not only soured voters against the Democrat Party platform, but also put a real damper on my Friday nights

Larry,
No need to sound so gloomy. The Democrats now own the majority in congress and in 2008 the Presidency will be ours too. Soon your night time activities will return to their former glory, filled with guiltless fun and lots of sexual exploitation. And remember, Larry, your Democratic representatives will alaways be there for you when you need them.
Wishing you all the best,
Your partner in degeneracy and depravity,
House Speaker - Nancy Pelosi

[The Exorcist]

"I don't recall Falwell writing even one children's book."

And even if he had it's highly unlikely he would've had the good taste and decency to create a character in it that helps flamboyantly gay toddlers come to grips with their sexuality.

The man did absolutely nothing to promote the merits of homosexuality at any age and it's utterly inexecusable.

[ExTXBigot]

...but he should also mention that we also hope all the Jooooooos meet a similar fate. Otherwise people could accuse us of hypocrisy, since we wouldn't be treating all Joooodeo-KKKhristian religions equally."

Bill Sali Fan:
Now, you must make sure you straddle the Lyberal line with regard to the Jooos. See, whereas on one hand we need to be able use their relatively small population to decry KKKristianity's disparate majority, we need just enough wiggle room to also blame them for the woes of the Palestinians and whatever we can't accuse the KKKristians of directly.

How else can we continue to say (with a straight face) that Israel's fighting back keeps causing each instance of initial "preemptive" Palestinian aggression?

[The Exorcist]

ExTXFedEx is so ryte. You'd think it would be difficult to blame so much on the Joooz considering the small percentage of the population they make up. Of course, nothing is too difficult for us liberals because we have creative license to just make it up as we go, like the Constitution clearly says.

Although Joooz are the only thumb-in-the-dike (insert Rosie O'Thumbnail joke here) we have in the Middle East, we just can't let them all be killed fast enough in the name of liberal values, and Allah.

[Che]

Actually, I had a thought after reading comments on the previous thread. AmeriKKKans are like the Jooos of the 21st century.

Does your economy suck? Blame AmeriKKKa.
Are you having problems building a nuke, even for peaceful purposes? Blame AmeriKKKa.
Are rebel extremists in your country opposing the extremists in your totalitarian regime? Blame AmeriKKKa.
Has socialized medicine failed to cure your deep-rooted feelings of inadequacy? Lash out at the USA!
Are you trying to sell the virtues of a Stalinist regime to your starving masses, but you're only 4 feet tall with Peggy Hill glasses, a cult of personality, and a really bad haircut? Blame AmeriKKKa!
Want to have yourself appointed president for life and nationalize the only lucrative industry in your country? Take your furry little self to the UN, blather incoherently about brimstone, and blame AmeriKKKa.

[Arbiter]

Exorcist, you should write a book and peddle your brilliance. I vaguely remember "coming out" as a wee lad, but my mom keeps lying to me by telling me I crapped my pants a lot.

[Methink]

Classic, Che. Brilliant!!

[Arbiter]

Methink, if we just changed our name, would that solve everything? Maybe call ourselves "Stolen Native American Land"?

[Arbiter]

Or even better: "North Mexico"

[Methinks]

Arbiter, you know ding dong well that's not gonna cut it.

Until we march our sorry asses into a gas chamber, after we've handed over the fruits of our toil to the more deserving egalitarian Yourapeons, nobody will be satisfied.

Of course, this will leave them with nobody to subsidize their endless bullshit and they'll either end up in another world war, or conditions similar to the African continent today.

I'm pretty sure the Native Americans, with nobody left to patronize their casinos or treat their diabetes and alcoholism, will just die out or move to Mexico.

If we take the Jews with us to the gas chambers, nothing much will change for the Arabs. They will continue killing each other as usual.

I dunno, Arbi, all options seem pretty shitty to me.

[The Exorcist]

WHY DADDY IS AN EXORCIST (A children's book by Father Lankester Merrin)

Once upon a time, there was a man/womyn/othyr named Lankester Merrin. Ever since Lankester was a little boy/gyrl/othyr, he/she/it spent inordinate amounts of time in the barn with the animals.

Sure, there were the routine dairy farm duties, such as fondling Rosie O'Donnell's udders until a month's supply of milk came gushing out. But little Lankester toiled away in there from dawn to dusk and, oftentimes, well into the night.

It is said that little Lankester could talk to the animals, just like Doctor Doolittle.

Children, we all know who Doctor Doolittle is, don't we?

Of course, we do. But little Lankester wasn't saying the same things to the animals that Doctor Doolittle was. Oh hayell no, kiddies!

Little Lankester could be heard under a fully-lit moon shouting, "Holy shit, Misster Ed! That really hit the spot!" Or in the wee hours of the morning it was not uncommon to hear this coming from the barn: "Oh Dear Gaia, Rosie! Where did you find that huge strap-on? We're gonna see fire melt steel tonight, baby!"

And so, children, the moral of this story is that it's important to learn at the earliest possible age the merits of liberal values - and lifestyles of the rich, famous and depraved. The next time you're milking a cow, just think of Rosie.

THE END