Surviving Bush's Depression

I boiled one of my Birkenstocks for breakfast today. It’s not as terrible as it sounds – the Carbon Footprint caused by firing up my stove was actually offset by the Eco-Credits I earned for not wearing any shoes today. It’s not like I’ve never been forced to eat my footwear before, either. In the entire 20th Century, there was only one stock market crash, followed by one little depression. Since Bush stole the peeResidency, there has been a recession, a stock market crash, another recession, years of stagnation (not the good, Jimmy Carter kind of stagnation, either), then yesterday’s stock market crash which will likely lead to the Great Depression of our time. Thanks to the Shrub, I’ve digested enough shoes in the past six years to make Imelda Marcos gag.

I got smart after the 9/11 crash, though, and started squirrelling shoes away for the next big storm. So don’t worry about ol’ Larry, I’ll weather Bush’s Depression just fine. However, there are thousands of working families out there that can’t afford to put shoes on their dinner table. Who will care for them? Certainly not the so-called “Compassionate Conservatives”, who are far too selfish and greedy to feed someone the loafers off their own saintly feet. It must be up to us as progressives to scour the thrift stores and garage sales for every pair of used sneakers, sandals, and slippers we can find, and we must do it NOW before Bush and his gouging Big Footwear Buddies have a chance to corner the market.

It's too late to prevent Bush's depression. But together, we can rebuild America out of the ashes of Capitalism, leading it into a bright, new, social utopia with a government-issued boot in every pot and three families living in every garage.

Comments

[Bubblehead]

I find that Jelly shoes are just as filling as Birkenstocks -- plus, you can eat them raw. Lesbyans don't look as good in them, though. Neither does former Senator -- FRIST!

[DonkeyDick]

I take Zoloft for depression. LOTS of Zoloft. I sprinkle Zoloft on my salad instead of croutons. I freebase Zoloft. I snort Zoloft. I shoot up with Zoloft.

I take so damn much Zoloft that I'm almost as happy as a Repulithugkkkan some days. Then I remember who we stole this country from. So I'd like to apologize for my ancestors. What's the Navajo word for Zoloft?

Who is this Bush fella anyway, and why is he so depressed? Is he Navajo?

[Teedie]

Can you imagine what this will do to glaucoma medicine?

I guess Bush's compassion does not extend to the blind and lame who desperately need help that the pharmaceutical market refuses to give them.

[Fist of Etiquette]

What do you have against ladies' shoes? Nary a pump or slingback mentioned in that whole post. Not filling enough, you sexist pig?

Personally, I couldn't be happier with this crash. First of all, it was the stock market, and the only people the stock market affects are rich people, i.e. Republicans. And the stock market was the last thing Bush had that he could point to as not being a total failure on his part, but now he looks soooo bad.

MBA my ass.

[SHEEHAG]

If you're a socialist, the proper intellectual cast system replaces the whole have and have-nots system. That doesn't really matter anyway, since we're all equal for 10 hours of waiting at the state clinic, we're all equal squished together in a public transport (*giggles*, can't wait), we're all equal when asleep on a two-hour mid-day siesta... snuggling with a manly intellectual dude, like Dude.

Wow, I'm all hot and bothered just thinking about all of that socialist equality, free-rides, and Dude snuggling. Anybody who can regurgitate non-stop about Bush, while pretending to be a conservative pretending to be a liberal, is my kind of socialist intellectual! That would be YOU, dude, Dude!! We could have a baby and I could name him Casey-Dude.

[TT]

After using kitchen matches made of wood and sulfur to light my bong I feel better. I used to use a Bic lighter but that had too big of carbon foot print.

You know, in the olden days they used to measure a man by the size of his girth and depth of his carbon foot print. The bigger the better.

I think Mother Nature is measuring the Goracle and she is telling us something! I can't tell what it is because the Nyquil is kicking in.

Gore for 2024!

[Bubba]

Say! Those are some nice black loafers you got there. And speaking of black loafers...

[Bubba]

"Gore for 2024!"

I saw a picture of him at the Oscars. He looks like he's at 1012 right now. A few more dozen donuts and cases of soda...

[DoubleU]

Your Birkenstocks?????1!!!!? You ate your Birkenstocks? Those are the greatest footwear ever!!!!!1!!!!! I had to save 15 months of unemployment checks and I had to work some way too minimum wage jobs to afford those shoes!!!!1!!!!! I could NEVER eat them, bushitler doesn't pay me enough!!!!1!!!!!

Is there a way someone can buy shoe credits for shoes they have so that others can use shoes?

[Che]

I replaced my carbon footprint with a soy-based one by donating myself to the Soylent Green Foundation.

[aha]

Birkenstocks are passe. I myself love Manolo Blaniks pointy toed spike heeled footgear. The dessert after the main course.

Would the appetizer be baby shoes? Think of all the baby shoes that won't be needed once the fetal parasites no longer need womb service. Those could be donated to help the homeless.

[Arbiter]

I only wear Sheepskins. According to Pamela Anderson, they're really good for the environment.

[Bush4Ever]

UFO science key to halting climate change: former Canadian defense minister

[JannyMae]

Sheepskin is good, Arbs. I LOVE lambchops! Other logical shoes to, "put on the table," would be, "LOAFers."

Ah, I remember when I was in grade school and I had to wear penny loafers with the soles flapping because my mother couldn't afford a new pair.

Those were the days!

[Arbiter]

JannyMae! It's good to read your posts again!

JannyMae wearing nothing but sheepskin boots.. hmmmmm

[Hankmeister]

Since the Great Depression has settled upon America, I've been forced to reach back into my Y2K stash and subsist off Ramon Noodles™ and Spam.

My entire portfolio of $13.25 was eaten up in a matter of seconds by evil capitalist Zionist callously manipulating the market this last Tuesday at the secret request of the Moosad. Damn that Bu$Hitler!

[JannyMae]

"Ramon Noodles..."

Hey!! That's the name of the guy that does my yard work!

What a ooincidence!

[Che]

Thank Gaia my Social Security wasn't invested in the stock market or I wouldn't have anything to look forward to when I retire.

For sale: 1 Carbon Credit. Used, but in like-new condition. Call 1-800-LUV-GAIA for details.

[Arbiter]

I really like that idea Che. I'm really pissed 'cause the BusHitler machine had my section 8 home phone turned off. Apparently late night 900 calls to sexy horny co-eds aren't part of Chimpy's vision of America!!

[Fist of Etiquette]

I'd have to know what was originally done to get a Carbon Credit before I would buy it.

[Arbiter]

FOE, no worries! They're made out of the same stuff Pampers are made of...

[Che]

FOE, Honest Che's New and Used Carbon Credits are bought directly from China and India, where carbon emissions have no effect on globyl wyrming. This allows you to ass rape Mother Gaia (necessary to maintain a celebrity lifestyle) guilt free.

[Che]

DAMN IT! Someone beat my marketing team to the punch!

Last time I buy them reefer for lunch.

[Fist of Etiquette]

That's perfect. Once again, I am ashamed to be an American. Leave it to my countrymen to take something as pure and as noble and as selfless as saving the planet from Global Warming disaster and turn it into some disgusting capitalist moneymaking scheme.

THEY'RE MAKING A MOCKERY OF THE IDEA OF CARBON CREDITS!!!

[Methinks]

I would have posted a link but you need a password to get the story that way. So, I copied and pasted the whole thing (in keeping with the time honoured tradition that Dud founded). It's from yesterday's right wing extremist Wall Street Journal hate filled editorial page and it's about the sainted Goracle's domestic energy arrangements. Thought y'all might like it.

An Inconvenient Pool
March 1, 2007; Page A12

There is an irresistible quality to the story about Al Gore's energy-hungry Tennessee home, replete with a heated poolhouse that burns more natural gas -- $500 a month worth -- than most of us can afford to use while heating houses that shelter people, as opposed to swimming lanes. Did you know that Mr. Gore's house uses more electricity in a month than the average household does in a year?

The climate-change activist and former vice president insists, through a spokesperson, that this is not as simple as it sounds. The Oscar winner has a clear conscience because he makes sure he pays a premium for electricity from "renewable" sources and claims that he purchases "carbon offsets" to make up for his rampant energy use.

To "do the carbon offset," as his spokesperson put it, is to fund projects elsewhere that may reduce the total carbon dioxide emitted into the atmosphere. So, one might burn up hundreds of dollars worth of natural gas to keep one's poolhouse toasty, but then do penance for this carbon sin by paying someone else to put up solar panels. Drew Johnson of the Tennessee Center for Policy Research, the think tank that broke the story, called these offsets a way of "buying his way out of his guilt."

We don't begrudge Mr. Gore his Tennessee spread or his pool, but his energetic energy use does underscore the complicated nature of modern economic life and the real costs of "doing something" about global warming. The pleasures of affluence take energy, whether they be relaxing in a hot tub after a long day of predicting the end of the Greenland ice sheet, or flying in a private jet to talk political strategy with Leo DiCaprio. You never know where you're going to leave your next carbon footprint.

Mr. Gore is rich and fortunate enough to be able to afford the "carbon offset" for his energy indulgences. The middle-class parents who need a gas-guzzling SUV to haul the kids to soccer practice might not be so lucky. They might even settle for an unheated pool.