BlameBush!

Can the Black Community Survive Hurricane Kramer?

Last week, a well-known and beloved comedian used his act as a platform to spew racial slurs and epithets. Then, after Chris Rock concluded his show in a standing ovation, Michael "Kramer" Richards launched into an unprovoked racist tirade against two helpless African Americans in the audience, utterly destroying their lives and throwing the civil rights movement back 2000 years.

In response, the Reverend Jesse Jackson called for the Black Community to boycott all Seinfeld DVDs or any other sitcoms produced by or starring Hymies. He also demanded that racial slurs be banned entirely, along with such derogatory expressions as "Extortionist", "Shakedown Artist", "Demagogue" and "Adulterer". In addition, the Reverend Al Sharpton demanded that the phrase "Oh shut your self-righteous cakehole, you bloated jackass" be stricken from the English language.

Wonderful suggestions from two esteemed, self-appointed leaders of the Black Community. However, I'm afraid they don't go far enough to stem the tide of racial bigotry that Kramer unleashed. His vile words reopened the Old Wounds of Slavery - wounds that usually only reappear around election time and can only be healed by piling large sums of cash upon the esteemed, self-appointed leaders of the Black Community.

Sedition is protected under the first amendment guarantees of free speech, yes. Hate Speech is not. A hefty fine must be exacted on all those who commit the unforgiveable crime of uttering the N-Word or it's equally offensive substitute, "The N-word". The resulting revenue would be deposited into a Swiss bank account registered in the name of the Rainbow / PUSH Coalition so that it can be used to the betterment of the Black Community.

Unfortunately, enforcing such anti-hatespeech laws would be next to impossible. It would probably be more realistic to simply impose a national N-Word Tax, as most people have spoken the N-Word sometime in their lives or plan to do so in the future. Rap artists and progressive bloggers would be of course be exempt. Tough measures for time tough times, but I'm sure that had Dr. King dodged Pappy Bush's deadly bullet, he would have wholeheartedly approved.

The Black Community survived slavery. It survived Hurricane Katrina. It will quite possibly survive Cosmo Kramer, too. But can it ever forgive him?

Perhaps. But not until Uncle Jesse gets his benjamins.

Happy Thanksgiving, You Selfish Bastards!

Thanksgiving! A time for taking stock of all the things in life one is most thankful for, things we typically take for granted all year long. Your friends. Your family. I'm sure they'd all agree with me when I say that thing we should all be most thankful for is the sacred right to urinate in public.

Public urination is as much a part of downtown Seattle as sidewalk vomit, yet it’s a vanishing art form even in our proudly Metro-Natural city. There was a time when a visitor to our shores could enjoy a fine caffeinated beverage at one of our many outdoor cafes while being sprayed with urine by a cackling wino. But the times, they are a changin’. Thanks to society's growing obsession with making a profit, appreciation for our vibrant Homeless Community has taken a back seat to the interests of greedy Seattle shopkeepers who naively insist that deranged street people letting loose in their doorways is bad for business. In words that harkened back to the Jim Crow era, they demanded something be done about those “uppity public urinators”.

For the progressive Seattle City Council, it was a problem for which there were no easy answers. Because of a little thing called “The Bill of Rights”, they couldn’t force homeless people to stop urinating in public any more than they could kick masturbators off the city busses. On the other hand, any ordinances drafted to make the mean capitalists shut their selfish cakeholes would only be shot down by the fascist Supreme Court. So how could we silence the irrational complaints of downtown businesses without doing anything that might encourage homeless people to crawl out of the gutter and get jobs?

Behold, the Crapatron 2000, a completely self-contained and self-cleaning public urinal designed by our European friends to provide a safe haven for the homeless to do what comes natural. The toilets were expensive, yes. But making homeless people comfortable while protecting their privacy and reinforcing their self-esteem isn’t cheap. If business owners wanted the public urination “problem” to be out of sight and out of mind, they would have to pay for it. So Seattle bought five and placed them in areas around town where the stench of urine and feces overpowered the aroma of rotten fish and patchouli.

Problem solved, right? Not quite. Conservatives threw a predictable hissy fit.
Their tiny reptilian brains filled with lies by their hate-radio masters, they claimed that the metallic kiosks would be little more than taxpayer-funded crack houses, and demanded the whole plan be scrapped. As usual, the Right couldn’t be more WRONG. Two years after the first one was installed, the toilets are now so popular that French tourists are using them as vacation homes. That’s good for local businesses who depend on tourist dollars, and even better for the city’s Homeless Community who have gone back to their tradition of crapping in planters. Everybody wins!

Unfortunately, winter is coming. The public fountains will soon freeze over, and the city’s sidewalk cafes will move their tables indoors. Without anywhere to relieve themselves, homeless people are at a serious risk of crawling out of the gutter and getting jobs.

The logical solution would be to install more toilets – preferably heated ones with plasma TV's and surround sound. But at $700,000 a year to maintain, the city can barely afford to keep the urinals we already have. Alas, Bush’s tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent of Americans - or any tax cuts for that matter - always come at the expense of our most vulnerable citizens.

So as you’re celebrating the Thanksgiving Harvest of Shame with your domestic life partner tomorrow, try not to think about that poor homeless person they found frozen to a mailbox with his pants around his ankles just so you could have a few extra pennies in your precious paycheck.

Orgasms Across America

I was skeptical at first. Global Orgasms for Peace seemed too much like a Big Tobacco ploy to sell cigarettes. Then Donna Sheehan, septuagenarian anti-war activist and the event’s organizer, gave me a ring to see if I’d like to oil myself up and join her on the International Shag Carpet of Peace.

“I’ll do better than that,” I told her. “I’ll promote the whole shindig on my blog!”

“Oooooh yes, Larry!’ she gushed with appreciation. “Yes!!!”

“If my readers are anything like me (and they know they are), they’re sick and tired of having one meaningless orgasm after another, day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute. I’m sure they’ll be more than happy to get their collective rocks off to end Bush’s immoral war and bring our idiot troops home.”

“Yes Larry!!” Donna agreed. “Yes! Yes! YES!!!!!”

“Sure, December 22nd is right smack in the middle of the holiday season, and some of us plan to spend time with our families, kicking over nativity scenes and whatever else we can do to protect Christmas from the Christians. But part of being a Progressive is knowing your priorities – and then ignoring them in favor of whatever feels good. It's why we're best qualified to lead the nation on important matters such as Reproductive Rights, and on less important ones like national defense.”

“YES!!! YES!!!! OH GAWD LARRY!! YES YES YES!!!!!”

“Besides, you can’t hold a gun if you’re having an orgasm, can you?” I quipped. “Unless you’re Chuck Heston, that is.”

Donna answered with a moan of ecstasy unlike any I have heard since Mother got the news that Ronald Raygun kicked the bucket. Her ethusiastic outburst was followed by a wet popping sound, a loud splash, and then an odd silence. Several agonizing minutes later, Donna’s sultry voice finally returned to the phone.

“Dammit shecond-rate denture cream!” she slurred with frustration. “I gotta go fish my teef outta the terlet again. Call me tomorrow?”

“Yeah, whatever.”

I hung up the phone and went to bed, suddenly feeling very sleepy.

The Swiftboating of Jack Murtha

If we’ve learned anything from the annual jingo-rama known as “Veteran’s Day”, it’s that Americans are too quick to bestow "hero" status upon any uneducated moron who puts on a uniform and fights for his country. Anybody can pick up a gun and shoot someone, but true heroism comes from having the raw courage to sell out your fellow soldiers as well as the American People in order to obtain the power necessary to help them – whether they like it or not. A few such heroic individuals come to mind: Scott Ritter, Janis Karpinski, John Kerry, Benedict Arnold, and Rep. John “Jack” Murtha.

When a couple of nameless Sunni sock merchants informed him that a platoon of Marines went a wild shooting rampage, gleefully killing scores of innocent Iraqi civilians and blowing up a baby milk factory as hundreds of babies were being milked, Murtha didn’t waste any time waiting for an “investigation”, “evidence”, or other pointless distractions such as the Marines’ own version of events. In a display of unblinking honesty one usually only witnesses from members of Al-Qaeda, he quickly branded the Marines as “war criminals” and called for a Phased Redeployment of all U.S. forces. NOT a "retreat" – and right-wingers are only encouraging the terrorists by insisting on calling it that – but a phased redeployment, godammit! A PHASED REDPLOYMENT!! To “retreat” is to flee the battlefield with one’s tail tucked between his legs. “Phased Redeployment”, on the other hand, is simply taking your ball and going to Okinawa, where the REAL terrorists are. That’s the Marine Corp spirit that Jack Murtha personifies, and the reason he deserves to be House Majority Leader under the esteemed leadership of Nancy Pelosi, as well as Secretary of Defense under President Hillary if Cindy Sheehan should ever be unable to fulfill her duties. I’m sure he’ll ride all their skirts to victory - much to the dismay of right-wing chickenhawks who are furiously trying to "swiftboat" him, as I like to call it.

Yes, the Lying Liars of Lies are digging up ABSCAM, a 26-year old FBI sting operation in which a Republican congressman and five others (whose party affiliations are unimportant) were indicted for accepting cash in exchange for political favors. Iron Guts Murtha told them in no uncertain terms that he’d have to take a rain check on that there bribe, and Democrats in congress took measures to insure that the FBI never pulled a McCarthyist stunt like that again. It's all is ancient history, and the Repugs are merely using Murtha’s own actions to besmirch his character.

If anything, ABSCAM only proves that Murtha is willing to go to any lengths necessary to serve the People who put him in power, even if it means screwing over the ones who elected him. That’s what being a Democrat - and a "hero" - is all about!

Spreken Ze Dooch, Rummy?

Rummy is gone at last, but he’s not forgotten. He has yet to stand trial for his crimes, and it appears that he will do so in a German court of law. Fitting, perhaps, for it was at Nuremberg that the last batch of Nazis were tried. I would much rather he stand trial here, preferably after being frog-marched out of the Pentagon and carted through the streets like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. But I no longer have any faith in our corrupt legal system. In a society where a poor Black man gets the death sentence for murdering one measly family while a rich white man sexually humiliates thousands of innocent Iraqis and walks FREE, one can no longer be assured that the hackysack of justice will be served on a level playing field.

That's why we so desperately need the International Criminal Court. Under the ICC, American leaders and military personnel who violate the Constitutional rights of suspected terrorists would no longer be permitted to hide behind the U.S. Constitution. It's a Living, Breathing Document, but it wasn't built to withstand the rampant abuses Repugnikkans have been inflicting upon it since Bush stole the election. The poor thing is stretched way too thin. It's high time we let the International Community take over our justice system, so that we can focus the full power of the Bill of Rights on more important matters - like protecting our children from Ten Commandments displays.

Perhaps one day we will have a President who cares less about U.S. sovereignty than she does about her standing in the court of World Opinion, and Rummy and the entire Bush junta will finally stand before Luis Moreno-Ocampo as our Founding Fathers intended. Until then, we'll have to put our trust in the Germans, a peaceloving people whose long-standing committment to human rights was only briefly interrupted by the unmistakable stench of burning flesh coming from the direction they carted all those meddlesome Jews off to.

The Results are In: Americans No Longer Dumb

In the year 2000, Americans stunned the world with their unbelievable stupidity by giving Bush just enough votes to convincingly steal the election. In 2004, they reaffirmed their ignorance, succumbing to the allure of Right-wing jingoism like retarded chimps mesmerized by shiny objects.

Then somehow, in the span of two short years, the American Idiot Collective evolved into intelligent and discerning voters – as they demonstrated Tuesday by returning Congress to its rightful owners. No one knows for sure how it happened, or who deserves the credit for educating the mindless sheeple herd and bringing their collective IQ out of the double digits. Whether it was Cindy Sheehan’s wailing, Al Gore’s bloviating, Hillary Clinton’s screeching, or Barbara Streisand spewing obscenities at her audience, Americans have finally opened their minds to the brilliant light of progressive reason. No longer brainwashed by superstitious beliefs in biblical bugaboos and non-taxable income, they sent the Bush regime a clear message that they want to take America in a New Direction. Exactly which direction isn’t really important, as long as it is a different direction than we are going now. With their newly acquired brains, Americans have finally realized they wasted six long years fighting a hopeless war against terrorists and democrats, and are ready to surrender to both.

It was a wise decision, and the world is already beginning to awake to a Bright New Dawn. The economy is on the upswing, as if anticipating the imminent repeal of Bush’s tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent of Americans. The effects of global warming diminish with each passing day as temperatures rapidly decline all across the country. And most importantly, France likes us again.

Of course, there are still a few isolated pockets of stupidity here and there, as evident by the Republicans getting any votes at all. Luckily, it’s a disease confined mainly to white Christian males and active members of the military – people whose opinion doesn’t really matter anyway.

VICTORY!!!

BOOYAH!!!

WOO HOO!!!

BOO HOO!!!

The Rebirth of Democracy!

I headed over to Rachel Corry Elementary School to cast my ballot this evening when my path was blocked by what resembled a human Clydesdale, with the body odor to match.

“Who the hell are you?” I demanded. “What is the meaning of this? And what smells like horseshit?”

“My name is Jimmy Clydesdale,” he introduced himself. “I’m with Operation: Restore Democracy Now!, a grassroots, non-partisan, interfaith organization devoted to protecting the integrity of the electoral process from Republican voters. We’re here to monitor today’s elections and keep an eye out for any GOP operatives that might try to horse around with the system, if you know what I mean.”

“Splendid!” I chirped. “It’s reassuring to know that someone is looking out for the little guy, girl, or proud member of the transgendered community.”

“Thank you, sir,” he replied, “but I’m afraid I can’t let you inside with THAT on!” He poked a furry hoof at my flag lapel pin in disgust. “Any outward displays of patriotism might adversely effect how people vote tonight. We have to keep everything fair and balanced you know. I’m sorry to be a nag, but I'm sure you understand.”

“Ah, but the flag is upside down,” I corrected him. “And I peed on it before coming here.”

“Oh, my mistake!” he quickly apologized. “Please go on in. I’ll just follow along to make sure you aren’t threatened or coerced by any Republicans.”

We proceeded together to the registration table where an elderly woman asked for my name and I.D. in three different languages before settling on English. I dismounted Jimmy and handed her my Hot Topic Preferred Customer card while she fumbled around for my ballot. Moments later I was in a private booth exercising my civic duty to throw the Republican usurpers out of office so we can finally surrender with honor in Iraq. Jimmy stood protectively behind me as I voted, whinnying loudly if my pen drew perilously close to a GOP candidate, or angrily stomping one of his feet if I appeared to be voting in favor of an anti-tax initiative, but otherwise everything went smoothly and I wasn’t pressured or intimidated by any right-wing election thieves. When I finally finished voting, I left the booth and proudly marched to the ballot box for the fifth time in as many hours.

“Not so fast, sir,” Jimmy snorted, roughly blocking my way again. “I noticed that in the senatorial race, where you meant to check “Maria Cantwell”, you accidentally wrote in “Hugo Chavez”. Care to explain yourself?”

“KKKantwell voted for the Iraq War and then never bothered to vote against it,” I bluntly informed him. “She’s nothing but the Shrub's lapdog and I’LL BE DAMNED IF I EVER GIVE HER EITHER MY VOTE OR A WILD NIGHT OF CRAZY MONKEY SEX EVER AGAIN!!!”

Jimmy trotted me out to my Segway and we party company. I hope that in other cities across America, progressive voters were blessed by the protection of courageous election monitors such as he. I enjoyed the experience so much that I went back two more times before the polls finally closed.

Beware of Right-Wing Fearmongers

Today, Americans all across the country, living and dead, will exercise their right and responsibility to vote Democrat. Of all the rights granted to us in the Constitution, the Right to Vote Democrat is one of our most sacred, second only to the Right to Choose. So it is vital that no matter how many times we vote today, we do so with the same courage and conviction we put into having abortions.

As usual, KKKarl Rove and his fearmongering goon squad are trying to frighten voters into keeping the Neocon Nazis in power. They claim that liberals don't take the so-called "terrorist threat" seriously, and that a win for Democrats would only encourage the so-called "terrorists" to launch another so-called "terrorist attack".  They say that Democrats don't know who the real enemy is, and are therefore incapable of leading our uneducated, babykilling, genital-mocking, Quran-mishandling, prisoner-torturing, war criminal troops in Dictator Bush's illegal and immoral crusade for oil. They even mock our calls for a Timetable for Retreat in Iraq, and suggest that it will only serve to embolden Iraqi freedom fighters. These all are merely scare tactics the GOP uses every election to weaken our resolve.

Remember what FDR said: We have nothing to fear but Global Warming.  If Republicans are allowed to remain in power for one more day, the ice caps will melt, the atmosphere will burn off, the drinking water will turn to arsenic, marine life will cease to exist, and Hurricane Katrina will return more powerful and racist than ever before. The Bill of Rights will be abolished, along with important amendments like Roe v. Wade and the Right to Free Heath Care. Religious extremism will continue to stymie important medical research that will save lives and allow Christopher Reeve to walk again. Slavery will be reinstated, Black churches will burn, gays will hang from telephone poles, and children will be forced to adhere to stereotypical gender roles. Meanwhile, taxes will plummet to dangerously low levels, while important programs like social security and free condoms for kindergartners will wither on the vine.

Oh yes, be afraid. Be very afraid, for all these things will come to pass if we succumb to right-wing fear mongering at the polls today.

Haggard's Meth-Fueled Gay Orgies a Victory for Same-Sex Couples

Prominent Evangelical leader and country music legend, Merle Haggard, has resigned in disgrace amidst revelations that he frequented a gay prostitute for drugs and sex, thus crushing all conservative opposition to same-sex marriage.

I don't expect any uneducated cons or active military personnel to understand such complex logic, so I'll lay it out for you. Let's pretend for a moment that Haggard's behavior was "immoral" and "wrong", as he has been preaching for years. It would mean the entire Christian Right no longer has any moral high ground from which to oppose same-sex marriage, prostitution, drug use, bestiality - you know, all the basic human rights we progressives have always fought for. You see, it's fine to openly and shamelessly engage in behavior that you know is wrong, but to do it secretly and behind closed doors while encouraging the naive and impressionable herd to refrain from such activity is the height of hypocrisy. As Al Gore shouted from his motorcade on the way to the symposium on the evils of the internal combustion engine, "JESUS HATES A HYPOCRITE!

That's why the Christian religion needs to grow beyond its archaic ideas about morality. If you don't have any morals to betray, then there's no way you can be guilty of hypocrisy. It's what makes agnostic progressives such as myself better Christians than any so-called "Christian Conservative" out there.