As opposed to one’s sexuality, one’s religious faith is a private and personal matter, never to be imposed on anyone or displayed in public, but rather kept to oneself and concealed like an embarrassing skin condition. So it was with great reluctance that saucy sexpot and future Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, admitted that she is a devout Catholic – perhaps even more devout than John Kerry was during the 2004 elections. Every Sunday morning, the stridently pro-life Pelosies would gather around the family Bible, clutching their rosaries and wailing, “SWEET MERCIFUL JEEZUS, DON’T LET ONE MORE WOMAN EXERCISE HER CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO TEMINATE THE LIFELESS LUMP OF GOO FESTERING INSIDE THE WOMB YOU CURSED HER WITH!!!!”
Yet while her religious upbringing has gifted her with a deep sense of moral clarity and a strong grasp of the difference between right and wrong, she doesn’t allow it to interfere with her decision-making. Morals and values are peachy-keen when she’s in the big pointy building with the pretty windows; but when Congress is in session and she’s doing The People’s Work, she leaves all that “sanctity of human life” crap at home.
That’s the fundamental difference between progressives and conservatives. Pelosi can be staunchly pro-life, yet still fight tooth and nail to insure that abortion is legal, affordable, and guilt-free fun for all ages. Conservatives, on the other hand, are incapable of turning their shitty moral code off long enough to vote on a gay rights initiative, or legalize marijuana, or fund embryonic stem cell research so the rest of us can enjoy another Back to the Future flick.
That is why Republicans can’t be allowed to hold Congress any longer. Unlike Nancy Pelosi, they don’t have the courage to not have any convictions.
First? WOOT!
Posted by: Hold the Pickle | October 25, 2006 at 08:57 PM
Massive Wootness!
Posted by: Bubblehead | October 25, 2006 at 10:28 PM
"That is why Republicans can’t be allowed to hold Congress any longer. Unlike Nancy Pelosi, they don’t have the courage to not have any convictions."
Yeah, lots of indictments, but no convictions...
Posted by: camojack | October 25, 2006 at 10:35 PM
"... and may the Lord bless the Progressive party!"
How dare you impose your religion on me, Nancy Pelosi! That's it! I'm voting Green!
Posted by: Speaks Truth to Chimps | October 25, 2006 at 11:43 PM
John F. Kerry may have thrown away his metals. But, Nancy Pelosi never threw away her wire coat hanger. Now, there is a woman with hard crusty ovaries!
Posted by: Talking Toaster | October 26, 2006 at 01:10 AM
Only the Pelosification of Bu$Hitler's AmeriKKKa can bring about a kinder, gentler country where we will be ready to submit to the will of our future Islamic Masters.
Posted by: Bush4Ever | October 26, 2006 at 03:25 AM
“SWEET MERCIFUL JEEZUS, DON’T LET ONE MORE WOMAN EXERCISE HER CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO TEMINATE THE LIFELESS LUMP OF GOO FESTERING INSIDE THE WOMB YOU CURSED HER WITH!!!!”
God (or the Evolution Fairy, whichever way you swing on that) did indeed give us all free will. Despite the fact that He (or she, whichever way you swing on that) has tried to guide us in one direction, people are able to make their own choice.
But there will be consequences. We should all remember that, when we're standing at the Pearly Gates before Saint Peter to answer for our sins (or before L. Ron Hubbard for our reincarnation assignment, whichever way you swing on that), this behavior will be counted against us.
This is why I urge each and every woman out there to look deep into her heart and think twice before shouting demands at her Lord and Savior in ALL CAPS.
Posted by: Fist of Etiquette | October 26, 2006 at 03:44 AM
...Nancy Pelosi, admitted that she is a devout Catholic – perhaps even more devout than John Kerry was during the 2004 elections.
That's a pretty bold statement. John Kerry was as devout as they come in '04. He practically handled snakes, spoke in tongues (Or was that Ted Kennedy?) and raped his sisters to display his ability to be backwards and superstitious.
On a side note, does anyone else see brilliant political irony of having a "Nancy" from San Francisco? That's gotta be a stage name.
Posted by: Che | October 26, 2006 at 04:37 AM
Pelosi is Jesus to me.
Posted by: libmeister | October 26, 2006 at 07:26 AM
I have been known to mutter Jesus whenever I see or hear Pelosi speak.
Posted by: Fist of Etiquette | October 26, 2006 at 07:48 AM
"I have been known to mutter Jesus whenever I see or hear Pelosi speak."-FOE
Jesus has been known to mutter "Jesus" whenever He sees or hears Pelosi speak.
Posted by: The Exorcist | October 26, 2006 at 08:10 AM
The other day Pelosi said (no joke) " when we win in nov, the speaker of the house's gavel will leave the hands of the special interests and go into the hands of the children"!
If that's not speaking truth to power, I don't know what is....
Posted by: Dave | October 26, 2006 at 08:17 AM
That's why we progressyves are better people than those religious conservative ninnys. Even though we don't care what the neo-cons think about or believe, we are strong enough to question:
1. 9/11 -totally Bush's fault
2. The "Holocaust" -millions of Jews dead? Where are the millions of witnesses then?
3. Abortion -No woman in her right mind would have a cute little baby grow in her when she has the "choice" to vacuum the brat out and go out and screw some more cool hip dudes!
4. Reagan -C'mon, the AntiChrist? Hello?
5. The American Flag -Toilet paper. Bird cage liner.
6. Homosexuals -The Chosen People.
7. Karl Marx -Cool ass bong smoking revolutionary.
8. Che Guevara -See #7
9. Islam -The only tolerant religion of peace that welcomes gays, pedofiles, free speech, love, and rock and roll.
10. Bush -Hitler, Satan, The Devil, Charles Manson, Osama Bin Laden, and Ronald Reagan all rolled into one.
Posted by: Arbiter | October 26, 2006 at 08:22 AM
Hey Arbs, that list looks frighteningly similar to those whacky 10 Commandments the KKKons base their whole selfless lives on. Couldn't you have either stopped at #9, #9, #9...or gone on to #11.
I prefer #11 because when you really look at it long enough, it becomes the true sign of homosexuality. Like two identical sticks, sticking it to each other, the progressyve way.
Posted by: The Exorcist | October 26, 2006 at 08:43 AM
How very progressyve of you Exorcist! I always thought 19 was pretty gay myself. But that's just me.
Posted by: Arbiter | October 26, 2006 at 08:52 AM
I know how Nancy Pelosi feels. I too feel a sudden surge of religious devotion in late October of every even-numbered year, and it always passes by the first Wednesday of November.
Posted by: Jay Guevara | October 26, 2006 at 09:23 AM
I've taken at least 30 hits from my bong trying to make sense of what a 19 represents, but I'm not sure I'm gettin it. I am, afterall, an ignorant red-state refugee.
But after studying your "19" for awhile, I only seem to see a persyn's head - just about at the same level of another persyn's buttocks. I need help in figuring out what that might mean as it relates to two gay guys. Can you help me figure out why a man would have his face at exactly the same level of another man's hairy buttocks?
Posted by: The Exorcist | October 26, 2006 at 09:27 AM
Oh my Gaia!! You're the chosen one Exorcist!! Did you take the blue pill?
Posted by: Arbiter | October 26, 2006 at 09:32 AM
"As opposed to one’s sexuality, one’s religious faith is a private and personal matter, never to be imposed on anyone or displayed in public, but rather kept to oneself and concealed like an embarrassing skin condition."
Once again, the wisdom of Larry sums up the truths in a poignant, passionate manner.
Posted by: Jeremy | October 26, 2006 at 09:48 AM
I like that one too Jeremy. I think I'm going to make some bumper stickers and make some moolah.
Posted by: Arbiter | October 26, 2006 at 10:00 AM
Nancy is one persyn that I wouldn't want to see exercise her Constitutional right to nurse in public. Blech!
Posted by: DonkeyDick | October 26, 2006 at 12:34 PM
BTW: That terrible Asian harpy, Michelle Malkin, (who's site I NEVER visit) has a wonderful foto of Nancy, Posted 10/25/06. It shows Nancy's inner beauty, serenity, vast intellect, religiosity and I don't know what all.
That terrible Asian harpy probably Photoshopped out Nancy's halo, but what would you expect from a terrible Asian harpy who's site I never visit?
Uh, don't read nuthin' while you're there.
http://michellemalkin.com/
Posted by: DonkeyDick | October 26, 2006 at 12:54 PM
Although I wouldn't mind seeing Janet Reno nursing Madeline Albright!
Posted by: Arbiter | October 26, 2006 at 01:00 PM
"Although I wouldn't mind seeing Janet Reno nursing Madeline Albright!"
Now that's a 19 in my book!
Posted by: Fist of Etiquette | October 26, 2006 at 01:40 PM
I'm a bit troubled now, being as I have no personal beliefs to suspend when voting progressive: I really do believe all the good progressive stuff from the beginning. Does this make Pelosi a better progressive than me? Will she have a higher place in heaven than me? Drat! I'm so confused.
Posted by: LiberalLoudandProud | October 26, 2006 at 01:40 PM