Brokeback Jihad

“You are so beautiful to me
Can't you see?
You're everything I hoped for
You're every, everything I need
You are so beautiful to meeeeeee….”

The Iranian president smiled warmly. It was a beautiful song, and the old man had a beautiful singing voice, but he suspected it was just a trick to soften him up for the trademark Mike Wallace hardball. Strangely though, the hardball never came. Instead, Wallace just sat there all hunched over in his chair, his shriveled, reptilian lips puckering like the anus of a large yak.

In the name of Allah, Ahmadinejad thought, he’s going kiss me!

The Imperious Leader leapt to his feet, abruptly shattering the awkward moment. “Please, Mr. Wallace!” he begged. “Allow me to give you a tour of the Presidential Palace.”

* * *

“You dance divinely,” Wallace whispered into Ahmadinejad's ear moments later. Few could resist the romantic allure of the palace’s Grand Ballroom, yet the President brusquely pushed the old man away. Wallace, unaccustomed to being rejected, couldn’t conceal his anger.

“What’s your problem?” he growled. “Is it the age difference? Well, I may be older than Methuselah’s grandma, but I assure you there’s still plenty of juice in this ol’ caboose!”

He pressed a moistened finger to his sagging tush and hissed through his false teeth for effect. It was enough to send the Ayatollah Khomeini into a wild sexual frenzy only 30 years before, but it only made this young Irianian prince wince with discomfort. Wallace came all away across the globe for some hot Persian man-love but he got nothing but the cold shoulder through the entire interview, and it was driving him to the brink of madness.

“Then it’s because I am a Jew, isn’t it?” Wallace sneered.

Ahmadinejad shook his head. “Islam teaches us to treat all human beings like brothers, emphasis on the words ‘human beings’”.

Wallace sighed with relief. He may be a tease, but at least the man wasn’t an anti-Semite.

“Then what is it?” the old gnome persisted, the hunch on his back pulsing with desire.
“Quit filibustering, damn you, and answer my question!”

Ahmadinejad glared at him under his single eyebrow. A gentle Iranian breeze blew in through the window, carrying with it the scent of sissy boys freshly hung from nearby construction cranes.

“Tell you what, Wallace,” the Iranian leader growled. “We could’ve had a good life together! A real good life! Had us a place of our own, with rabbits…remember the rabbits? But you didn't want it, Wallace! You count the damn few times we have been together in nearly twenty years and you measure the short leash you keep me on. You have no idea how bad it gets! I'm not you... I can't make it on a coupla quickies once or twice a year! You are too much for me Wallace, you Zionist sonofawhoreson bitch! I wish I knew how to quit you!!!”

Their eyes met for a moment, and then the aging journalist began to sing again.

“Time for nighttime prayer,” Aboujinad snapped, turning away walking off into the Tehran sunset.

Those stories and Andy Rooney, tonight on 60 minutes.

Comments

[MMM'BILLY]

I love you Larry.

[camojack]

I can just see old Ringo (well, he looks like him!!!) now, doing those Joe Cocker spastic air guitar moves...

[PONC MurthaFan]

I'm sooo glad I can't quit you LibLar.

When President Ahmadinejad gives the United Nations his answers, to their strongly worded suggestions, to stop Uranus Enrichment on August 22nd.... We'll be one step closer to November, and the real start of world peace....... Boooosh IMPEACHMENT!!!

Yeah Baby!!!

Thank Allah that the world has some Leaders left like Ahmadinejad, who understands nuanace, diplomacy, and fair goverment.

Try as I may... I can't quit President Ahmadinejad either!

[Bush4Ever]

What do you get when you fall in love?
A nuclear bomb to wipe out the Jooooos
And after it's done, you have post-coital blues,
I'll
Never fall in love again.

[Moonchild]

I found the intro misleading. Instead of seduction ending with a heartbreaking farewell, it was a progressyve knowing his role: playing catch at the glory hole for a genocidal dictator. That it was Mike's last time made it poignant, but we'll never forget the sticky aid and comfort Mao, Castro, Pol Pot and now Ahmadinejad enjoyed on Mike's face. L'Chayim, Mr. Wallace.

[Che]

Damn you Larry. <Fanning eyes in vain> I told myself I wouldn't cry...

Seriously, well done. References to On the Waterfront, Of Mice and Men, and Brokeback Mountain, with a little bit of Bob Guccione thrown in for good taste. Beautifully done.

[libmeister]

EVERYBODY'S BEAUTIFUL .......... in their own way.

Jihadists, er, Muslim freedom fighters can be beautiful, too. We must continue speaking truth to power.

[DoubleU]

I was wonderin' how it happened.

[Fist of Etiquette]

SPOILER ALERT!!!

Um, could you please warn us when you put spoilers in your post? Some of us haven't seen Brokeback yet. Well, at least not all the way to the end.

Back on topic: It's so nice to see a journalist finally being objective for once, not judging an interview subject by the things he has said or the things he has done or has threatened to do or what countries he thinks should be wiped off the face of the Earth. There is no reason in the world not to take the Iranian Prez at his word.

Unlike our president. No matter what he says or does, you just know he's up to no good.

[Wilderness Fox]

Please tell me this story doesn't end like "Brokeback Mountain," with Dumbya's NeoKKKon thugs playing the role of the roving band of thugs that beat Ahmantobehard to death. I shudder to think that Mike Wallace might have to someday promise Ahmantobehard that he will, in fact, spread his ashes over the corpses of the Jooooos he killed, er, I mean the Jooooos he had to send to Allah because they threatened the Religion Of Peace.

Please, Larry. PLEASE tell me this one has a happy ending.

And "Yak Anus" would be a cool name for a thrash band, by the way.

[Gadfly]

Poor Mike

I know Ahmadinejihad wished that he could partake of the correspondent's hot buttered yak star.

However, he was promised at birth to Qusay Hussein, and the mandatory five-year mourning period has not elapsed. Sadly, Mike Wallace will never live to see it.

For while a devout Muslim man may have many wives, since they are not people -- he may only betroth himself to ONE for man-man love. For as the Prophet spake: "Before ye plunder the anus of another, first ye must QUIT the man before."

*weeping softly at the pathos and singing a deeply emotional lament from the most stellar musical period in all of human history*

Oh it's sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along ...

[Neocon-pincher]

Shite

That was me.

Friggin' typepad

[libmeister]

Sorry, Lar, but I'm going to use up some bandwidth.

The following questions were going to be asked of Iranian President Ahmadaboutjihad by a FOX News reporter. Fortunately the interview never took place. Just like a reich-wing Rethuglikkkan to try and embarass a respected head of state with such trash. The progressyve MSM would never try to embarass PeeResident Bu$Hitler with such juvenile trick questions:

Question #1
In countries with a free press and where history is understood as consisting of verifiable facts, anyone who denies the Holocaust, the systematic murder of approximately 6 million Jews by the Nazis, is regarded as either an anti-Semite or a kook or both. You have repeatedly denied the Holocaust. Why should the world not regard you as either a kook or an anti-Semite? And do you understand why most free societies wish to prevent you from acquiring nuclear weapons?

Question#2
Given that you have announced that you wish Israel to be erased from the map, why would those countries that do not share your desire to extinguish a country not try to prevent you from acquiring nuclear weapons?

Question #3
In Iran, under your direction, religious police walk around the country monitoring how much skin a woman reveals. Most of the world considers this primitive and another reason to regard you and your regime as fanatical. On what grounds do you support whipping women who reveal their arms in public? And do you understand why such policies help explain why most free societies wish to prevent you from acquiring nuclear weapons?

Question #4
Why do you believe that millions of Iranians chant "death to America" and "death to Israel" but no Americans or Israelis chant "death to Iran"? Are people more bored in an Islamic republic than in a free society? Does your brand of Islam promote preoccupation with death rather than life? Or is there simply a lot more hatred in your country than in free societies? And do you understand why all this hatred helps explain why societies in which people do not chant death wishes would like to prevent your society from acquiring nuclear weapons?

Question #5
In Iran, women determined by Islamic courts to have committed adultery have been stoned to death. According to The Washington Times, "The condemned are wrapped head to foot in white shrouds and buried up to their waists. Then the stoning begins. The stones are specifically chosen so they are large enough to cause pain, but not so large as to kill the condemned immediately. They are guaranteed a slow, torturous death. Sometimes their children are forced to watch." Do you believe that this brings world admiration to Islam? And do you understand why most societies in which women who commit adultery are not stoned wish to prevent you from acquiring nuclear weapons?

Question #6
Last year, a teenage girl who said she was raped by two young men was not only not believed, she was given 100 lashes by your Islamic republic. Many of us find whipping teenagers for having sex, not to mention for being raped, unimpressive. Does this help to explain why societies that do not whip teenage girls are not excited about your country acquiring nuclear weapons?

Question #7
Last month, a British newspaper, the Sunday Mirror, reported that in your Islamic republic, "16-year-old Atefeh Rajabi was dragged from her prison cell and taken to be executed. The Iranian judge who had sentenced Atefeh to death was left unmoved as he personally put the noose around her neck and signalled to the crane driver. Kicking and screaming, Atefeh was left dangling for 45 minutes from the arm of the crane . . . Atefeh's crime? Offending public morality. She was found guilty of 'acts incompatible with chastity' by having sex with an unmarried man, even though friends say Atefeh was in such a fragile mental state that she wasn't in a position to say no." Does this help explain why people who don't support hanging young girls from cranes might be concerned about Iran acquiring nuclear weapons?

[Bush4Ever]

That segment almost makes long for The Good Ol' Days when a newsman of Dan Rather's stature laid into Saddam Hussein with The Hard Ones.

Remember that fax from the Kinko's in Texas that almost brouhgt down the Bu$Hitler KKKrime Family's House of Cards? How do we know that KKKarl Rove didn't order the NSA to intercept all fax signals dealing with Der ChimpenReichsFuhrer and then mess them up to discredit what was sent?

WHY!! HAS!! THIS!! NOT!! BEEN!! LOOKED!! INTO!!??

[Prezodent Mahmoud Ahmadinejad-Wallace]

Infidel libmeister, I am here to answer your questions.

1. It depends on what the meaning of "is" is.

2. No other countries besides the U.S. and the U.K. are going to try and stop me from developing nuclear weapons. Plus, I've got "Irish" and my enlytened gay twin brother "Ahmadinejad" covering my back.

3. My superior religion, Islamotism, is practiced all over the place in the middle east. We don't want women to show any of their skin because most of us are queerer than Mohammad and naked women scare the camel shit out of our mouths.

4. What do you mean "no Americans or Israelis chant 'death to Iran', that fricken Exorcist prick has been chanting that shit for decades.

5. Are you seriously trying to tell me that there are actually societies in which adulterous women aren't stoned to death? You're one funny infidel.

6. What are you talking about? Every country in this neck of the sand is plum crazy about whipping teenage girls for having sex. Well, not those allahdamned Jews I'd like to kill every single one of, but don't misinterpret that to mean I'm anti-Semitic. Mike Wallass will back me up on that.

7. Hey, pal, you're "offending public morality" by daring to ask me questions without the gleam of lust in your eyes that Iron Mike Wallass had. You better watch yo ass or I'll hang you from a crane just like those dangerous teenage girls.

[Che]

I can waste bandwidth, too. Larry inspired my alter ego.
Ahmadinejad Shrugged

"Damn you!" Snapped Ahmadinejad when his great work was interrupted by the inquisitive Jew. He could make the trains run on time with minimal effort, but steering U.S. foreign policy was a full time job. "Man's greatest triumph is his ability to produce;" he explained. "To produce great clouds of fire; To produce a world free of disease, imperialism, infidels, and nancy-boys. Allow me access to the materials I need and stay out of my way and I shall create a world of which Mel Gibson would approve, both Mel as the man, and as post-Apocalyptic Mad Max. Let me fire up my ovens as I please, and I shall create a distribution system for enriched Uranium such as the world has never seen! No corner of creation shall be without Uranium for the next 10,000 years! I'm a civil engineer, damn it! Stand aside and let me engineer civilization!"

Mike looked at Ahmadinejad with a look of contemptuous longing he hadn't known since the Ayatollah. "Tell me about your Rearend Meddle." he said matter-of-factly so as to not betray his admiration for the man. "I will help you build a railroad on which to run your boxcars, but you must let me have Rearend Meddle. And please help me use the word 'superfluous' 50 or 60 times, just to stay in character."

"Ah, yes. Rearend Meddle. My greatest contribution to mankynd." Ahmadinejad said it simply. He was not boasting, but rather stating the obvious. He explained the process by which superfluous young apprentices were taught to produce, but not reproduce. He showed Mike the grand palaces and dark rooms where he himself was schooled in the craft. He described his painstaking efforts to perfect his trade, stopping work only for prayer call, to storm embassies, or to execute Christians, but for no superfluous activities besides.

At the end of the tour, Mike trembled with pent up emotion and a bit of Alzheimer’s. "I heard your speech on the radio. It was exactly the same thing we discussed for the last 900 pages, but I still found it profound and not at all superfluous in its repetition. You've done so much. It's so hard to find a good man these days, and yet you've managed to recruit many into the Bekkah valley. Some think of you as a destroyer. I see now that you are a beautiful, ambitious man."

"Yes. But you don't know the half of it." Agreed Ahmadinejad. "Do you want to see something swell?"

"Oh, yes!" Mike squealed with a schoolgirl's delight.

Ahmadinejad took Mike in his arms brutally, grabbed his hair and said, "I shall now have you. You will not be a thing of affection to me. You shall merely be a superfluous play thing. I shall take you forcefully, not to bring you pleasure, but for my own amusement. For what is greater in this world than the amusement of a great man? The others, the moochers, the looters, the French, they give me what I need, not out of their own interest, but because I demand it. The French do it, I guess, just to piss you off, and as a goodwill gesture in prelude to their surrender at some time in the future. I shall now take what I want from you, not because I like you; Not because I respect you; Not because you look pretty all made up for a night on the town as you are. I will ravage you because I can. My actions toward you are not a symbol of love and affection, but of what I plan to do to the Zionists and the Americans...

<50 pages later>

...and selfishness. Selfishness to myself and nobody else. Oh, and Allah. Can't forget the big guy. I take you now because it is my will that I, and I alone express my desires for America. For too long have I been ridiculed for my aspirations. Is it not ambition that makes great things happen? Did ambition not lead to the building of the Twin Towers? Was it not ambition that helped bring them down? Did ambition not allow 100 superfluous Jews to be loaded onto a boxcar that was only meant to carry 75? I take you now as a tribute to myself. For what action can be more appropriate a tribute to one's own greatness than buggering another man? Even if he's technically not human..."

"Oh yes!" Cried Mike, popping a little blue pill. "I shall now let you take me. You may take me and do as you will, not because I fear you, but because I comply with your ambition and your willingness to speak truth to power. I offer myself to you completely because that is what I must do to undermine the Great Satan. I know of no greater gesture of my complicity than to humiliate myself before you, as all of America should. When I came here, I saw you as just another great Imam. Now I see you as a sexy bitch. You are a sexy bitch, not because I desire to become subservient to you, but because I must become subservient to you in order to look at my face on TV. Do as you will, spank me and call me a Superfluous Suzie if you must...

<15 pages later>

...So I offer myself to you wholly. Not for your pleasure, but for my own. As a celebration of all that I have done in the past! As tribute to, not only the other great Imams and despots I have stroked and brought pleasure to with my tender caresses, but also to myself for practicing the world's oldest profession with such vigor as only an MSM journalist can. But mind the left hip. It's new."

Later, in the warm afterglow, Ahmadinejad dressed silently as Mike wiped his chin on his jellaba.

"There is just one more thing I must ask." hissed Ahmadinejad tenderly.

"Anything, Imam."

Ahmadinejad paused, unsure how to proceed. "Who's your daddy?" he asked finally, softly.

"It sure isn't John Galt." Mike stopped searching for Listerine as the question's hidden gravity overtook him. "I love you, too, Imam."

[Che]

Damn bold

[Che]

Try that again.

[Arbiter]

Libmeister, thank Gaia for Viagra! Good ol' Mikey Wallace and "Mini-Me" Ahmadinejad can enjoy each other's bodies like camels in a vat of lard... Hmmmmmmmmm.....

[Neocon-pincher]

Good stuff, Che.

AhmadineJihad is an inspiration.

[The Exorcist]

"And "Yak Anus" would be a cool name for a thrash band, by the way." Wilderness Fox

WildInBed Fox,

There's something overtly gay about the words "anus" and "thrash" being in the same sentence together.

Not that there's anything even remotely questionable about guys who rip their own anuses to shreds during heavy-duty off-shore drilling. I'm as progressyve as the next democrat when it comes to that issue, I'm just saying it's clever how you tied into Liberal Larry's topic of man-on-man sex and all.

[PTPFP]

I was thinking about those 'hard rock' questions Gunga Dan would lob at the Islamic Wundermanchen.
And then Mike's tender need and avowal to 'stay true.'
Truly touching. My pink turban is wet with tears.

*sob*

[Wilderness Fox]

Exorcist: You say "man-on-man" sex as if there's another type of sex (except for womyn-on-womyn sex, which is what DiKKK Cheney's lesbian daughter Mary (a lesbian who practices lesbianism with lesbians)? Should I be worried that sometimes, when I look at womyn, I get a funny feeling? I mean, I know Gaia wants men to be with men and womyn to be with womyn, so you understand my concern.

In light of this, I'm surrendering to a yak.

[Arbiter]

Whoa. Back up a bit Wilderness Fox.... Dick Cheney's daughter is what!?

[Fist of Etiquette]

You know, Stalin had nuclear weapons and he was a certified whackjob and yet no one seemed to have a problem with that. Why is it that a batshite insane Persian prince gets a hankerin' for atom-splitting and everyone goes ape?

More importantly, is there any way of steering these comments away from painting word pictures that involve a geriatric newsman and a nutball despot engaging in, um, romance?