“You are so beautiful to me
Can't you see?
You're everything I hoped for
You're every, everything I need
You are so beautiful to meeeeeee….”
The Iranian president smiled warmly. It was a beautiful song, and the old man had a beautiful singing voice, but he suspected it was just a trick to soften him up for the trademark Mike Wallace hardball. Strangely though, the hardball never came. Instead, Wallace just sat there all hunched over in his chair, his shriveled, reptilian lips puckering like the anus of a large yak.
In the name of Allah, Ahmadinejad thought, he’s going kiss me!
The Imperious Leader leapt to his feet, abruptly shattering the awkward moment. “Please, Mr. Wallace!” he begged. “Allow me to give you a tour of the Presidential Palace.”
* * *
“You dance divinely,” Wallace whispered into Ahmadinejad's ear moments later. Few could resist the romantic allure of the palace’s Grand Ballroom, yet the President brusquely pushed the old man away. Wallace, unaccustomed to being rejected, couldn’t conceal his anger.
“What’s your problem?” he growled. “Is it the age difference? Well, I may be older than Methuselah’s grandma, but I assure you there’s still plenty of juice in this ol’ caboose!”
He pressed a moistened finger to his sagging tush and hissed through his false teeth for effect. It was enough to send the Ayatollah Khomeini into a wild sexual frenzy only 30 years before, but it only made this young Irianian prince wince with discomfort. Wallace came all away across the globe for some hot Persian man-love but he got nothing but the cold shoulder through the entire interview, and it was driving him to the brink of madness.
“Then it’s because I am a Jew, isn’t it?” Wallace sneered.
Ahmadinejad shook his head. “Islam teaches us to treat all human beings like brothers, emphasis on the words ‘human beings’”.
Wallace sighed with relief. He may be a tease, but at least the man wasn’t an anti-Semite.
“Then what is it?” the old gnome persisted, the hunch on his back pulsing with desire.
“Quit filibustering, damn you, and answer my question!”
Ahmadinejad glared at him under his single eyebrow. A gentle Iranian breeze blew in through the window, carrying with it the scent of sissy boys freshly hung from nearby construction cranes.
“Tell you what, Wallace,” the Iranian leader growled. “We could’ve had a good life together! A real good life! Had us a place of our own, with rabbits…remember the rabbits? But you didn't want it, Wallace! You count the damn few times we have been together in nearly twenty years and you measure the short leash you keep me on. You have no idea how bad it gets! I'm not you... I can't make it on a coupla quickies once or twice a year! You are too much for me Wallace, you Zionist sonofawhoreson bitch! I wish I knew how to quit you!!!”
Their eyes met for a moment, and then the aging journalist began to sing again.
“Time for nighttime prayer,” Aboujinad snapped, turning away walking off into the Tehran sunset.
Those stories and Andy Rooney, tonight on 60 minutes.
"In light of this, I'm surrendering to a yak."--Wilderness Fox
Well, you know what they say, WildInBed Fox.
Once you go yak, you never come back.
Posted by: The Exorcist | August 18, 2006 at 01:51 PM
I knew a yak once.
No, twice.
Posted by: Dodger | August 18, 2006 at 02:34 PM
Alas, poor Yak! I knew him Horatio, a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy.
Posted by: Arbiter | August 18, 2006 at 02:51 PM
I wish Mikey Wallace would have asked Ahminabadjacket where he gets those spiffy Robert Hall suits.
Posted by: ponytailed guy | August 18, 2006 at 02:57 PM
Ponytailed guy! OMG!! I luv Robert Hall's stuff!! He must make it special with a beard dust cover for Ahminabadjacket...
Posted by: Arbiter | August 18, 2006 at 03:13 PM
I hope you didn't know the yak in the biblical sense, Dodger. After all, we might be offending our PETA comrades with this kind of loose talk.
Consider: If according to the NOW progressyves, marriage is legalize rape, then we can only see this interspecial intercourse as mere barnyard rape. Well, wait, that's only if you're married to a yak ... never mind, I'm beginning to see the dawning of a new age of sexual liberation. Thank Gaia for this epiphany!
Posted by: libmeister | August 18, 2006 at 03:23 PM
BTW The Exorcist, do you think that's what the Coasters were singing about in their song, "Yakety yak, don't talk back"? I feel a whole new world is opening up for some very progressyve sensualists.
Posted by: libmeister | August 18, 2006 at 03:29 PM
I know he's an evil Neo-Con... But no one sings that song like Swcharteneggar in "Twins"!! By the way, I don't care how you spell that evil bastard's name!!
Posted by: Arbiter | August 18, 2006 at 03:35 PM
Arbiter- It's spelled Schwarzenazi.
libmeister- PETA's already investigating Mike Wallace's hot n' steamy bestiality adventure with Ali Assa Seen.
http://www.ape-o-naut.org/famous/famous/members/aliassn.html
BTW, I can hyperlink everywhere else (just right click and go to hyperlink, right?) but it doesn't seem to work here. I know it's a lot to ask to actually copy and paste, especially while loading a bong and injecting a hypodermic needle. But the get-up Prezodent AhmDineOnWad is wearing is just absolutely to die for.
Posted by: The Exorcist | August 18, 2006 at 04:14 PM
Thanks Exorcist!
Posted by: Arbiter | August 18, 2006 at 04:18 PM
After that last interview with Arafat, Mike Wallass was seen rubbing his sore behind and muttering: “Boy, that old guy sure put a lot of juice in my caboose.”
Al dickenjerk probably though Wallass was unshaven or the juice in his caboose had incubated.
Posted by: Talking Toaster | August 18, 2006 at 05:55 PM
After that last interview with Arafat, Mike Wallass was seen rubbing his sore behind and muttering: “Boy, that old guy sure put a lot of juice in my caboose.”
Al dickenjerk probably thought Wallass was unshaven or the juice in his caboose had incubated
Posted by: Talking Toaster | August 18, 2006 at 05:57 PM
Distaste for sexagenarian my black ass. This brother has the biggest appetite for sex, whether agenarian or a vegetarian, I've ever seen. I wonder who's gonna pop out of the cake. Don't give me any hints, here....um, is it a kosher cake?....um...is it a really, really huge cake?...um...Oh, I think I got it.
MONICA SCREWHIMSKY!!
-------------------------------------------------------
Clinton to celebrate 60th birthday with family, friends
Aug 18 2:22 PM US/Eastern
Former US president Bill Clinton will celebrate his 60th birthday on Saturday surrounded by family and friends, despite his professed distaste for becoming a sexagenarian.
Posted by: Paula Jones | August 18, 2006 at 06:33 PM
As a paid up memeber of the Man Yak Love Association I must protest your analogy: "...lips puckering like the anus of a large yak." as if it were something negative.
In our commitment to diversity, especially sexual diversity we lybrals should be more sensitive in making such allusions. THINK ABOUT THE YAK'S SELF-IMAGE, won't you? You could hurt their feelings and doom them to a life of failure. Yak-wise, I mean.
Posted by: DonkeyDick | August 18, 2006 at 07:18 PM
Yak-Love Songs
Yak In Black- AC/DC
Yak That Ass Up- Juvenile
Yak Where You Belong- .38 Special
Baby Got Yak- Sir Mix-Alot
Don't Look Yak- Boston
Yak Of Communication- RATT
Yak In The Saddle Again- Aerosmith
Yak In The U.S.S.R.
Posted by: Wilderness Fox | August 19, 2006 at 12:57 AM
Here's some more WF:
Yak in the name of love- The Supremes
Yak yourself- Eminem
Yak it- Devo
Poor Little Yak- Ricky Nelson
Yak three times on the ceiling if you love me- Captain and Tennille
It's hard out there for a Yak- Hustle and Flow
Posted by: Arbiter | August 19, 2006 at 11:26 AM
Oh, and:
Yak in Time- Huey Lewis and the News
Posted by: Arbiter | August 21, 2006 at 10:53 AM
I had too many beers last night and Yakked. Does that count?
Posted by: Dodger | August 21, 2006 at 12:54 PM
It only counts if the beers you consumed were Yakermeister Dodger...
Posted by: Arbiter | August 21, 2006 at 01:40 PM