I’ll admit I didn’t like Osama Bin Laden at first. The whole 9/11 thing left me little reason to. Of course Bush was completely responsible, but it would be the height of insanity to deny that Bin Laden was somehow involved. At the very least, he knew of Bush’s plans yet did nothing, allowing the Shrub’s carefully planned Reichstag Fire to draw the nation’s focus away from more important matters, like affordable heath care for gay seniors. However, my disgust for Bin Laden’s participation in Bush's twisted crime lasted about three seconds longer than Michael Moore’s did. Anger gave way to reason, reason to understanding, understanding to sympathy, and sympathy to limp-wristed acquiescence. By 9/12 I had realized a sort of philosophical fellowship with this modern day Ché Guevara and his romantic struggle against imperialist U.S. aggression. After all, anyone with such an intense hatred of Western Civilization can’t be all that bad. However, this newly released audio message may force me to rethink my capitulation.
It’s typical for any politician to inch a little towards the opposite side of the political spectrum around election time, but Osama’s hard swing to the right confounds me. His speech was rife with attacks on Bush’s illegal and immoral war for oil, and he had a few choice words for the wanton slaughter of innocents by bloodthirsty U.S. troops (although Jack Murtha beat him to the draw on that one). Bin Laden mocked Bush’s sinking approval numbers, then demanded he close his Gitmo gulag, remove all U.S. troops from the Muslim Holy Land, and then repeal his tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent of Americans. It was pretty much standard Democrat Party fare until Bin Laden went off the deep end and started yammering about God.
“Our Islamic nation was surprised to find its knight, the lion of jihad, the man of determination and will, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, killed in a shameful American raid," said the voice purportedly from Bin Laden.
Fine. Blatantly plagiarized from a Berkeley commencement address perhaps, but otherwise just peachy. But then he throws all rationale to the wind and concludes with this whopper:
"We hope to God he accepts him as a martyr."
Whoa…where did that come from? I understand that he’s just trying to woo the red state evangelicals, but all this God talk is liable to alienate his liberal base.
The Democrat Party is fairly open-minded about who it accepts within its ranks. Perverts, cop killers, Arkansas hillbilly rapists; there’s room enough in Big Tent for everyone who thinks like we do. We even encourage a certain amount of religious faith as long as it is 100% insincere and tempered with a progressive attitude towards sodomy. But every time Mr. Bin Laden mentions God in a public forum, he chips away at the Wall Between Church and State – a wall constructed to protect him from religious fanatics like George Bush. OBL needs to remember that if he’s ever to win the hearts and minds of the few remaining liberals that don’t already see him as a kindred spirit.
He's back!!
Posted by: Dodger | July 02, 2006 at 04:42 PM
allah be praised
Posted by: aurelius | July 02, 2006 at 05:50 PM
By allah of course I mean Gaia's lesbian lover.
Posted by: aurelius | July 02, 2006 at 05:53 PM
He hopes that the Almighty accepts Zarko-man as a martyr?
Why? I thought these people were a shoe in. Blow up a few thousand people, shoot themselves in the foot and then get cacked by the US.
Does Osama question the wisdom of the Man Upstairs?
Posted by: PTPFP | July 02, 2006 at 06:32 PM
the ben laden family and chimpycmbushitlers family r great friends it does not surprise me that they r both religious nuts.
Posted by: DoubleU | July 02, 2006 at 06:53 PM
Larry, you've fallen victim to one of the classic blunders -- believing the transcript you read in the RethugliKKKan-controlled media. What OBL actually said was "We hope to GHAD...", which, as everyone knows, stands for the Geologic Hazard Abatement District, which is very important to progryssyves everywhere.
Posted by: Bubblehead | July 02, 2006 at 07:09 PM
"We even encourage a certain amount of religious faith as long as it is 100% insincere and tempered with a progressive attitude towards sodomy"
This is why we pay Larry the big bucks from our non-profit, government-funded kitty. You just can't find such a progressyve thought as this anywhere outside of the slammer, the bathhouse, the backstage of any Hollywood or Broadway Musical, Barney Frank's basement or other Democratic strongholds.
Praise be to AllahWannaDoIsZoomZoomInTheBoomBoom, the insurgents, registered sex-offenders and other registered Democrats, for the Liberal One has escaped the clutches of Gitmo.
Posted by: The Exorcist | July 02, 2006 at 07:23 PM
My word,after all the hard work to keep religion out of every day progressyv life,our allie OBL blows it by calling on Gawd.All the protests and law suits,are now in jepordy.What came over him?
Posted by: jainphx | July 02, 2006 at 08:09 PM
"At the very least, he knew of Bush’s plans yet did nothing, allowing the Shrub’s carefully planned Reichstag Fire to draw the nation’s focus away from more important matters, like affordable heath care for gay seniors."
Gay seniors are a very large voting bloc I might add.
Posted by: bush caused my erectile dysfunction | July 02, 2006 at 08:47 PM
"Bin Laden mocked Bush’s sinking approval numbers"
Binny shoulda not taken the high road, this time, and also shoulda mocked the Chimperor's genitals too as payback for The Shrub doing the same to our..err...the illegally, immortally incarcerated Freedom Fighters at Abu Ghraby Train.
**********************
"We hope to God he accepts him as a martyr."
Far be it from me to correct our exalted one of the intelligentsia elite, Professor Chomstein--but I think..er..feel he might have heard, not read bin Hidin's brilliant oratory and mis-transcribed it. I believe what O'Samie said was: "We hope, too, Gotti accepts him as a mobster"
All o' Snackbar!!!!
Posted by: Rocky Mtn. Lionessssss | July 02, 2006 at 09:06 PM
Professym Chomstein, I agree with you wholeheartedly. In five of the last six scratchy taped missives from deep inside an Afghani cave, Sheik Bin Laden has not mentioned Global Warming even once!
Everyone knows that the Great Satan (and especially the Red State Rethuglicans) are the greatest polluters and non-carbon neutral rapists and vandals of Mother Gaia in history - why has Sheik Bin Laden not mentioned this salient fact?
Posted by: Kaboom | July 02, 2006 at 09:21 PM
Osama Bin Laden: Friend or faux?
HA HA HA...OH...snicker...HEE HEE HEE...SNORT...FAUX! Get it? FAUX?
HO HO HOOOO...Oh, Goddess...I need a colonic after that one!!!1!
Any way, I hope you all have a nice FARCE of July!
HA HA HA...OH...snicker...HEE HEE HEE...SNORT...FARCE OF JULY!!! Get it? FARCE!!!!!
Posted by: Starchild WolfBrother Steinstien | July 02, 2006 at 10:44 PM
Larry you must understand that the muslim god, Allah, isn't like the vengeful patriarchal christian god. He's more like a cross between Jimmy Carter and Al Franken. A hip take it or leave it kind of god. Why do you think it is that Muslims are so renowned for being peace loving wheras kkkristians spend most of their time bombing abortion clinics, beating their wives and leading crusades against brown people?
Posted by: Menstrual Rainbow | July 03, 2006 at 03:37 AM
Damn that Bu$Hitler and his secret experiments on animals!!! Damn him to hell!!
Posted by: Bush4Ever | July 03, 2006 at 04:59 AM
When one can tase the sweet nectar of victory on the tip of one's tongue, it's common that one's confidence might lead to poisoned taunts which point out the utter failure of one's enemy. For example, Fidel Castro has begun to taunt the corrupt election system in Amerika because of how easily Chimp defrauded it. Castro does this because he knows World Communism and its incorruptible method of selecting leaders is on the brink of victory and is taking pleasure in that fact, as we all do.
This is all OBL is doing. His secular Islamic empire of toleration, love, and increased taxes for the filthy richest 1%, which will stretch from China to Spain and live as a beacon to the world for the next thousand generations, is coming together, and neither Bush nor his 'God' can anything to stop it. OBL laughs, as we all do.
Posted by: Moonchild | July 03, 2006 at 05:51 AM
"After all, anyone with such an intense hatred of Western Civilization can’t be all that bad."
Amen to that Brother! (Can I say "Amen?")
Posted by: Arbiter | July 03, 2006 at 07:56 AM
Well, whatever bin Laden's role was in the "attack," whether he "financed" the so called "terrorists" or whatever ...
I would rather he did so out of a need to fight the filthy capitalist Gaia raping West -- rather than in the supposed service of some "God".
That just creeps me out.
Posted by: Neocon-pincher | July 03, 2006 at 08:05 AM
Dammit, we can't have every Democratic presidential hopeful moving to the right, even if it is just a clever ploy to nab some red state votes. There will be mass confusion. 2008 will be a disaster, worse than those three times I accidentally voted for Pat Buchanan.
Posted by: Fist of Etiquette | July 03, 2006 at 08:19 AM
Lar, thank Gaia that you came back. How did the wedding tackle mocking down at gitmo go? I'm glad you spoke truth to power and they let you go....
I do belive that OBL was went to the dark side. I was thinking that he would help us progressives be brought back to our rightful seat of power but I now have my doubts. We were on the cusp of surrendering our way to peace and now he pulls this shit.
Next thing you know he'll be seen with pat robertson, handing snakes, and speaking in tounges on KKKistian TV.
That's a long way from speaking truth to power by attacking the very black heart of amerkkkan capitalism, the twin towers.
This proves that bu$h and dark circus of doom pulled off 9/11. all the more reason to impeach him!
Posted by: Dave | July 03, 2006 at 08:29 AM
The Brigades was just served in its cave with notification of a lawsuit from the Infidel Civil Liberties Union (or something like that), demanding that we remove all mention of God from our communiques. WTF?
Gaia Akhbar!
/ululating
Posted by: al-Bundy Martyr Brigades | July 03, 2006 at 10:33 AM
Infidels and Muslim apostates killed by Muslim Freedom Fighters in 21st Century: 109,372 and counting
Infidels and Muslim apostates killed by fundamentalist Christian militiamen in 21st Century: 0
This proves the media itself is reich-wing for not reporting more deaths due to Christian militiamen and that these reich-wing Christian militants are far more dangerous than our brother Muslim freedom fighters who are merely killing in self-defense.
Posted by: libmeister | July 03, 2006 at 10:55 AM
Lib Meister, I couldn't agree with you more! Nick Berg was definitely a threat to their way of life. Thank Gaia Nick's dear father could care less if his son lost his head over that incident so that Berg Sr. can attack the real enemy: Bu$Hitler!!!!
Posted by: Arbiter | July 03, 2006 at 11:32 AM
Gaia Akhbar! Now that's funny!! Good-one al-Bundy martyr brigades...
Posted by: Dave | July 03, 2006 at 11:58 AM
Someone needs to wash out Osama's mouth.
Posted by: PTPFP | July 03, 2006 at 12:09 PM
"Someone needs to wash out Osama's mouth."
My stupid Marine brother read that and suggested using Napalm...
Posted by: Arbiter | July 03, 2006 at 12:33 PM