BlameBush!

Mel Gibson No Longer Welcome at Camp Casey

According to a memo I just received from Mother Cindy Sheehan, actor/director Mel Gibson is no longer welcome at Camp Casey or any Code Pink/Gold Star Family hootenannies. Gibson, who recently denounced the Bush junta as a bunch of fear-mongering Mayans, and just last weekend went on a drunken, anti-Semitic tirade, is suspected of being a devout Catholic.

Yes, Gibson’s primitive religious beliefs are common knowledge to anyone who doesn’t live in a tent - but it came as a complete shock to Mother Cindy, who can barely watch the TV news through her endless tears of grief. While she is grateful for his offer to speak at next month’s “Down with the Bush Neocon/PNAC Zionist Aggressor Agenda” clambake, she fears that it would damage the credibility of the peace movement to be associated with a follower of the second most evil and genocidal religion in the history of the world. She has therefore regretfully declined Gibson’s offer. Until such a time that he redeems himself by championing the cause of a convicted cop killer or fellating Hugo Chavez, Mother Cindy will also give Gibson's Camp Casey VIP Celebrity Suck Up Pass to someone who more accurately reflects the views of the organization. That’s bad news for Mad Max fans, but good news for fans of actor Gary Busey, who will dazzle the crowd above and beyond their peyote colonics by rambling incoherently for 20 minutes and repeatedly whacking himself in the face with a frying pan.

Mother Cindy assures me that Casey would approve.

Emotionally Troubled Seattle Man Has a Bad Day

Family Values. Marriage. Democracy. These are all words that the right-wing Language Nazis have stolen from us, perverting their meanings to serve their own twisted political agendas. Their disgusting reaction to what happened in Seattle last Friday is no exception.

A Muslim male of Middle Eastern descent stormed into the local headquarters of the Jewish Federation and opened fire, killing one woman and injuring five others. The neo-cons have already branded it an act of “domestic terrorism”, although not one single abortionist was harmed. Not a more blatant and transparent ploy to provide justification for Bush’s illegal and immoral War on Terror could there possibly be.

Obviously, the poor man responsible was emotionally troubled, and therefore not entirely responsible at all. After all, who in their right mind would do such a thing? Indeed, friends and relatives of the shooter agree that he had a “bad case of the Mondays” ever since he dropped out of dental school. The crimes of mentally ill individuals, as reprehensible as they may seem, are technically not “crimes”, let alone acts of “terrorism”. These people who must be helped, not stigmatized.

It’s much more complicated than conservatives can grasp with their puny reptilian brains. But try as they may, the Bushies can’t simplify this thing into terms of black & white, right & wrong, good & evil. Like gang warfare or drowning your five children in a bathtub, there are no “bad guys” involved in last Friday's tragedy. Only victims.

Now Bush is Putting Arsenic in Fiji's Drinking Water

I was scouring the web for more of Bush’s crimes last night when I stumbled upon an interesting news morsel. It seems that when the City of Cleveland conducted a chemical analysis of Fiji brand bottled water, they discovered that it contains dangerously high levels of arsenic – higher even than our own drinking supply.

Which raises the question: exactly why is Bush poisoning the Fijian people? What heinous plot has he hatched now? The answer didn’t come to me as easily as it usually does. Fiji is a major trade partner with the United States and a member of Bush’s Coalition of the Coerced and the Bribed, with over 17 Fijian troops serving in Iraq. English is the official language of the islands, and Christianity is the predominant religion. Needless to say, Fijian womyn have no Right to Choose, and thousands of young grrrls are beaten by their grandparents on the way to the back-alley abortionist every year. All they need is a Fijian chapter of the Klu Klux Klan and it'd be a tropical version of Texas. So at first glance, one can find little reason for Bush to target the people of Fiji for extermination.

But bear with me. Proceed to your local library and find Baghdad on the globe. Using an ordinary black marker, draw a line from Baghdad to Crawford, Texas. Now draw another line from Crawford to Viti Levu, the main island of Fiji. Look closely. Notice anything peculiar? I didn’t either, although I was a bit distracted by all the shouting.

Sometimes, what appears to be a Rovian conspiracy against a sovereign nation state is something as simple as Bush merely wanting a few less brown people in the World. We learned that lesson in New Orleans, and Fiji is learning it now.

Grampa, Can I Have an Abortion?

When Mommy says “No”, there are two things you can always count on from Gramma and Grampa: money for ice cream, and a ride to the abortion clinic. Not anymore! The right's latest assault on A Teeny Bopper’s Right to Choose will make it a serious crime for grandparents, the clergy, or grandparents of the clergy to drive little girls across state lines for an abortion – which is pretty much all they are good for anyway. I suppose the wingers will go after Baptist churches that perform free labia piercing for the under-fives next.

Like all RepugniKKKan anti-choice legislation, this wacky new law will only result in more needless suffering. By punishing good samaritans for transporting desperate young girls to a Reproductive Heath Center, the Bill will encourage grandparents and the clergy to perform the abortion themselves - but not before beating the living crap out of the little snot for causing them so much trouble. Not all gentle-like either. No, something like this is bound to really rile the old geezers up, give them a real hankering to pound the stuffing out of Peggy Sue six ways to Sunday.

I can see it now. Gramma will probably hold her tiny arms while Grampa, a retired longshoreman, goes to town. He’ll get in a few rapid-fire jabs to her kisser and toss in a gut punch or two before handing it over to Father O’Brien, a former U.S. Marine and six-time Golden Gloves champion with fists the size of anvils. When he gets done with Peggy Sue, her face is going to look like it had passed through Gary Busey’s digestive tract. They’ll have to drive across six state lines just to find her teeth.

Proponents of the barbaric Parental Notification measure claim that Democrat objections read like a bad rendition of The Aristocrats. But to Democrats who care about the welfare of our children almost as much as pleasing NARAL, this law is completely unacceptable. I am certain that this is not the last we’ll hear from them about this issue. As long as there are senior centers and retirement homes full of people anxious to help little girls get an intact dilation and extraction behind her parents back, progressives will fight for their right to do so.

What Ever Happened to a Teeny Bopper's Right to Choose?

It takes a village to raise a child, but selfish parents will often insist on going it alone and raising their children themselves. It is from these religious fanatics that millions of desperate young girls flee every year; battered, abused and, more often than not, impregnated by their Christian Conservative fathers. With nowhere else to go, they turn to one of the nation’s many Reproductive Rights Centers, holy places where they can find sanctuary from the inhuman monsters who spawned them. Now, evangelical Republicans want to take that safety net away from them. Citing a few rare examples of parents who deeply love their daughters and want to be informed should they undergo any invasive medical procedures, anti-choice extremists in Congress threaten to ruin abortion for everyone.

They are hypocrites to the extreme, hiding behind a nonexistent “Right to Know” to subvert an adolescent girl’s constitutional Right to Choose. A “Right to Know” seems innocuous enough, but what if your precious little angel got knocked up from banging the entire Bob Jones Middle School Bible Club and a Shetland pony for cheap thrills and a tube of Bryl Cream? Would you want to know then? Do you really want to be subjected to that kind of embarrassment? Of course not. That’s why laws against parental notification are so important – they are designed to protect not only children from their parents, but parents from their children.

“Abortion” as some call it, is an important part of a young girl’s transformation into a grown woman. There comes a time when parents must cut the apron strings and “let go” of their baby, so that she may spread her wings as well as her legs. The bill that Bush just crammed through Congress will essentially clip those wings, and brutally saw off both her legs, leaving her a disfigured monstrosity unwanted and unloved by anyone, crawling down the gutter on her bloated belly to the local back-alley abortion clinic to be carved up by a chronic alcoholic with a rusty spatula.

Right-wing polemicists should think about that before weaving any more hyberbolic fairy tales about a parent’s “Right-to-Know”.

George Bush: Devaluer of Human Life

When harvested from a human embryo, stem cells can be a miracle cure for a wide variety of debilitating afflictions, such as Alzheimer’s Disease, diabetes, paralysis, rhuematoid arthritis, Multiple Sclerosis, sickle-cell anemia, migraine headaches, erectile dysfunction, Attention Deficit Disorder, excessive body hair, male pattern baldness, problem flatulence, dizziness, numbness, tough, hard-to-remove stains, Helsinki Syndrome, toe jam, indigestion, dyslexia, insomnia, narcolepsy, vertigo, hepatitis, tonsillitis, gingivitis, Vitus Geralitis, chancre sores, the 7-Year Itch, gridlock, and the bizarre mental illness that makes religious conservatives so averse to treating human embryos like crops to be “harvested”. But today, a senate bill that would lift the cruel ban on stem cell research was struck down by the veto-happy dictator, rendering the human embryo completely useless.

This is the same Bible-thumping nut job that claims to value “life” in its earliest stages. This is the same hypocrite who has no moral conflicts with stealing eggs from helpless chickens, but wouldn’t harvest a single stem cell to make Mary Richards turn the world on with her smile. No, he would rather every single embryo be carried to its logical extreme, unleashing upon the world a plague of unwanted children grown well past anything useful ever being harvested from them.

Hopefully, the three million Athlete's Foot sufferers in this country will be able to hold on for two more years, when Bush is frog-marched out of the Oval Office and Hillary assumes her rightful place on the throne. The cruel ban on stem cell research will finally be lifted, renewing the hopes and dreams of millions of Americans. Diabetes will be a thing of the past. Alzheimer's will be a forgotten memory. Max Cleland will sprout new limbs. Oprah will renounce her heterosexuality. Ray Charles will open his eyes and gaze with childlike wonder at the inside of his coffin, and Christopher Reeve will spring up out of his grave to seek vengeance upon every former blastocyst whose selfish birth lead to his untimely demise.

Live Mike, My Eye

A live mike offered a brief glimpse at the real George Bush yesterday. Confident. Assertive. In total control of the conversation. Heck, he slapped Tony Blair around like a two-dollar whore. I guess Bush really isn’t the bumbling, ineffectual, empty-suited puppet-chimp that we’ve all been led to believe he is. I guess I’ve been wrong about the guy all along.

Either that, or the whole thing was staged.

Come on, people! Do you really believe that when the two most fiendish figures in world history think no one is listening, they talk about sweaters? It was all an act performed for our benefit. They obviously had Bush wired up to the same contraption Rove used to feed him answers at the presidential debates. KKKarl was probably backstage somewhere, reading him his lines from a script written by the World Bank, typed up by the Carlyle Group, and edited for punctuation by the Bilderbergers (of which Blair is a Member). The Shrub even threw in a couple product endorsements for Diet Coke, a wholly owned subsidiary of Halliburton.

It took me a minute or two to catch on to the sham, but the whole charade was so blaringly obvious that any idiot could have seen right through it in five seconds flat.

Good one, Shrubya. Have a Diet Coke on me.

Arrogant Israel in Danger of Losing France's Love

Watching the horrific violence unfolding in the Middle East, it’s hard to believe that only six short years ago the land enjoyed an era of unprecedented peace and tranquility, interrupted occasionally by the sound of an Israeli bus rudely exploding. President Clinton’s Oslo Accords proved that the Israeli people and those who want to eradicate them could live together in harmony, provided the Israelis didn’t mind an occasionally exploding bus ride to work. Unfortunately, Israel’s selfish insistence on constantly defending itself has tarnished Bill Clinton’s legacy, and threatens to engulf the entire region in an illegal and unsanctioned-by-France war.

France has a rich history of working collaboratively with others towards a common goal of peace, and have much to offer the Israelis in the way of spiritual advice. Prime Minister Jacques Chirac has strongly condemned Israel’s “completely disproportionate” use of force, urging it to adopt a more diplomatic, and decidedly French approach to ending the bloodshed. But in the height of arrogance, Israel refuses to unconditionally surrender and commence loading its Jews onto boxcars.

There appears to be no end in sight to their extremist arrogance, either. Today, Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert arrogantly defied the international symphony of flatulence and vowed to “fight on with full force” against the peace-loving Hezbollah people;. Perhaps he should ask himself exactly what they are fighting for. The return of their soldiers? Freedom? Their very existence?

What point is existence if you’ve lost France's love?

It's a question not only for Israel, but for the United States as well.

The Plagiarized Lies of Ann Coulter

You don’t have to read any of Ann Coulter's columns or books to know what a hate-fueled orgy of lies, half-truths, and lies they are. I can’t even begin to describe every single lie that she has put to pen in her entire career. Her lies are more abundant than the stars, more plentiful than zits at a Daily Kos convention. Let’s face it: She’s a lying liar who lies. But thanks to the hard work of an ingenious university professym, it now appears that her lies aren't even original, but rather stolen directly from the pages of esteemed progressive publications such as the Washington Post, the Boston Globe, and the Planned Parenthood leaflet, 101 Ways to Hide your Abortion from Mom and Dad.

Determined to find something to attack Coulter for besides her looks, a nonpartisan and incredibly hissy amatuer investigator ran everything she’s ever said or scribbled down since grade school through a state-of-the-art pattern recognition program. What he learned threatened to sour the proudly objective researcher against conservative pundits forever.

According to John Barrie, a Professym of Indigenous Norwegian Prophylactic Juggling at the University of Berkeley, most of the words Coulter uses in her books and columns have been used before, by other writers, and occasionally in the same sequences. In many cases, these sequences are hardly coincidental. As Barrie discovered, Coulter would often take someone else’s words, replace them with her own, shuffle them around, and sometimes go so far as to change the entire sentence structure around to conceal her crime. That’s plagiarism, folks, and leave it up to conservatives to turn it into something dirty.

Dragging civilized discourse into the mud is par for Ann's course, ape-like, back hairs. Coulter, who once wrote that we should invade the terrorist’s countries, kill their leaders, and convert the rest to Christianity, has never apologized to either progressives or the terrorists for her insensitive remarks Her attack on the bereaved 9/11 widows left me angry, bitter, and chaffed in areas I care not to mention. I’ve made no secret of my unbridled hatred for Coulter, with her cottage cheese thighs and ratty, bleach-blonde hair. But now she may be guilty of a crime far more serious than transforming progressive males into catty women, and I could just scratch her eyes out for it.

Aw Crap

I swallowed my NightGuard.

Damn that Bush!!!!!