When harvested from a human embryo, stem cells can be a miracle cure for a wide variety of debilitating afflictions, such as Alzheimer’s Disease, diabetes, paralysis, rhuematoid arthritis, Multiple Sclerosis, sickle-cell anemia, migraine headaches, erectile dysfunction, Attention Deficit Disorder, excessive body hair, male pattern baldness, problem flatulence, dizziness, numbness, tough, hard-to-remove stains, Helsinki Syndrome, toe jam, indigestion, dyslexia, insomnia, narcolepsy, vertigo, hepatitis, tonsillitis, gingivitis, Vitus Geralitis, chancre sores, the 7-Year Itch, gridlock, and the bizarre mental illness that makes religious conservatives so averse to treating human embryos like crops to be “harvested”. But today, a senate bill that would lift the cruel ban on stem cell research was struck down by the veto-happy dictator, rendering the human embryo completely useless.
This is the same Bible-thumping nut job that claims to value “life” in its earliest stages. This is the same hypocrite who has no moral conflicts with stealing eggs from helpless chickens, but wouldn’t harvest a single stem cell to make Mary Richards turn the world on with her smile. No, he would rather every single embryo be carried to its logical extreme, unleashing upon the world a plague of unwanted children grown well past anything useful ever being harvested from them.
Hopefully, the three million Athlete's Foot sufferers in this country will be able to hold on for two more years, when Bush is frog-marched out of the Oval Office and Hillary assumes her rightful place on the throne. The cruel ban on stem cell research will finally be lifted, renewing the hopes and dreams of millions of Americans. Diabetes will be a thing of the past. Alzheimer's will be a forgotten memory. Max Cleland will sprout new limbs. Oprah will renounce her heterosexuality. Ray Charles will open his eyes and gaze with childlike wonder at the inside of his coffin, and Christopher Reeve will spring up out of his grave to seek vengeance upon every former blastocyst whose selfish birth lead to his untimely demise.
And...
Wait for it...
FIRST!!!
Posted by: Fist of Etiquette | July 19, 2006 at 06:22 PM
I had a sever case of Vitus Geralitis,(I think I caught it from a toilet seat in Detroit)its a dabilitating illness that made me also get erectile disfunction,it was not a pretty sight.As a matter of fact it was a soft problem that was hard to solve.
Posted by: jainphx | July 19, 2006 at 06:29 PM
I didn't see halitosis on that list of ailments that can be cured by stem cell throat lozenges.
I also didn't see anything on the list of curables that George W. Bush is suffering (ADD and dizziness aside) so I think we can see a big reason the president is pulling out his "Veto Is Neato" rubber stamp on this one.
Well, that and the Big Life lobby making huge donations to the Republican Par-tay.
It just goes to show how stoopid Bush is. Half those babies born will be just as likely to have their votes counted for Democrats in eighteen years.
Posted by: Fist of Etiquette | July 19, 2006 at 06:40 PM
As someone who suffers from, metabolism, binocular vision and blood circulation I have been given a death sentence by this announcement. I just hope John Edwards doesn't forget to bring me back to life with a fetus when he becomes President. Oh and also Tookie.
Posted by: Menstrual Rainbow | July 19, 2006 at 06:50 PM
I guess this means we can FINALLY blame Der ChimpenReichsFuhrer for everyone who's ever been in a wheelchair. Color me One Shiny Happy Lyberal, I mean, Progressyve!!
Posted by: Bush4Ever | July 19, 2006 at 06:51 PM
"......stem cells can be a miracle cure for a wide variety of debilitating afflictions, such as Alzheimer’s Disease, diabetes, paralysis, rhuematoid arthritis, Multiple Sclerosis, sickle-cell anemia, migraine headaches, erectile dysfunction, Attention Deficit Disorder, excessive body hair, male pattern baldness, problem flatulence, dizziness, numbness, tough, hard-to-remove stains, Helsinki Syndrome, toe jam, indigestion, dyslexia, insomnia, narcolepsy, vertigo, hepatitis, tonsillitis, gingivitis, Vitus Geralitis, chancre sores, the 7-Year Itch, gridlock, and the bizarre mental illness"
Bummer....I am deeply saddened and dismayed---this means there is abso-freakin'-lutely NO cure...no hope for ANY amount of relief for our own Eggs-Or-Cyster! *sniff*. Nor is there hope for a Hezbollah Abzugs resurrection with a new hat!!
****************************
Hey, Professym
Did you mean "canker" sores...instead of "canchre"?
Go ahead, baby---call me a fascist. I love it when you get all worked up in a hemp/castile soap lather and name call! It's just so super syxy!
Posted by: Rocky Mtn. Lioness | July 19, 2006 at 06:51 PM
I don't like to spread conspiracy theories. But, why would Bush and his Big Stem Cell Buddies want stop the sale of stem cells from human embryos?
It's simple supply and demand.
Bush's Brown shirts are in the middle of the biggest organ harvest in recent memory.
As the bodies pile up in the Middle East Bush and his Big Stem Cell Buddies are hardly able to keep up with the organ/stem cell harvesting.
Huge government refrigeration buildings are stock to the top with eyeballs, livers, lungs, skin and stem cells.
What better way for Bush to keep the price of these vital organs and stem cells high?
Bush wants to make sure that only the top 1% of tax payers can afford them. That is why!
The average progressyv who is on a strict college budget can barely afford the basic necessities of life such as medicinal hemp and hemp accessories - let alone a few stems cells to cure his/her erectile dysfunction or the 7-year Itch.
Bush just wants to keep the little persyn down while the top 1% of tax payers continue to enjoy their tax cuts and stem cells.
Posted by: Talking Toaster | July 19, 2006 at 08:10 PM
If The Imaginary Friend of The Reich-Wing KKKonservative KKKhristian KKKulture of KKKorruption had not wanted us to use embryonic stem cells then s/he/it would not have had Al Gore create them like he did the Internet.
Posted by: Bush4Ever | July 19, 2006 at 08:39 PM
Talking Toaster U are so right (whoops my bad I mean so progressive) about organ supplies. I have been chanting so ong "No War for Organs" Finally somone else see's this war for what it is. Forget the War for Oil screamers. Organs are where it's at. My cohabiting female friend has even gone so far as to tell me the last time I was gone to a Military funeral to protest a man she hardly knew offered her one of his organs. She said she only borrowed it for a while just so she would be able to experience the horror of it all. She seems in a much better mood now I guess from realizing I was right all this time.
Posted by: Tamada | July 19, 2006 at 10:45 PM
"I had a sever case of Vitus Geralitis,(I think I caught it from a toilet seat in Detroit)its a dabilitating illness that made me also get erectile disfunction,it was not a pretty sight."
Okay, considering that you had a "sever" case, I'm going to assume that this went way beyond ED to possibly...dare I say? Lorena BobbedIt?
Posted by: Kiki B. | July 19, 2006 at 10:49 PM
Hmmmm Mmmm Mmmmmm! "metabolism, binocular vision and blood circulation" It's no wonder the Perpetual Menstrual One is seeing Rainbows.
Posted by: Kiki B. | July 19, 2006 at 11:15 PM
Aren't Cohabiting/Lyfe Partners the best? Unless, of course, you're June Fandong giving "it all" to your Beloved Eggs-ham-and-Cysts Omelette.
Posted by: Kiki B. | July 19, 2006 at 11:22 PM
I am in a true, true, difficult dilemma. Help!!
Do I seek stem cell research and replacement to help overcome my Chronic Anorexia. I would imagine those little feti aren't too fattening.
Or, do I continue to use my proven therapy, which also works for Glaucoma, Cancer, and Arbiter's Chronic Hemorrhoids. What miraculous wonder is that, you ask?
Why, none other than the sort of pseudomedically proven medication, the Sensational and Phenomenal PRODIGY unrivaled in today's Pharmaceuticals.
I give you....Medicinal Marijuana!!!
P.S. I continue to debate with myself as to which treatment is more progressive. *sigh* I am torn. I may have to stoop to taking them both, and releasing my test results on my study. I bet there is nothing in this world quite like hitting the bong, then munching on baby feti.
Posted by: Kiki B. | July 19, 2006 at 11:37 PM
I also suffer from Anorexia, but only for 10 minutes at a time.
Posted by: Menstrual Rainbow | July 20, 2006 at 12:31 AM
So, Mary Tyler Moore (is she related to Michael?!) digs farm animals, eh? Hmmm...
Posted by: camojack | July 20, 2006 at 12:46 AM
One thing stem cells can't cure is stupid. They can give the breath of life to Christopher Reeve, allow Stevie Wonder to overcome the handicap which has ruined his life, and justify research funding for scientists so they can study global warming. Rove explained this in small words so Chimp could understand, but before Rove could finish, Chimp got distracted by a shiny thing on his 'big boy' desk and decided 'veto' was a funny word. Rove said it was fine if Chimp wanted to 'veto' and use the big rubber stamp, and now, billions will remain dead while millions more die.
Posted by: Moonchild | July 20, 2006 at 05:32 AM
I'm sorry, I got all sidetracked on that article about what happens to chickies and piggies in commercial farming operations.
We have solved that problem in Northeast Iowa. We have our chickies and piggies ranging free. Mine live in the kitchen, mostly, but they are free to frolic and roam through the house, contributing fertilizing goodness everywhere they go. They are part of this happy collective we call a family. That's the way Nature intended it, you know.
Posted by: Maria in Iowa | July 20, 2006 at 07:02 AM
{allow Stevie Wonder to overcome the handicap which has ruined his life}
Moonchild, being black is not a life ruining handicap, shame on you.
Posted by: Menstrual Rainbow | July 20, 2006 at 08:07 AM
Larry, can stem cells cure me of my problem? I guess it's okay to tell everyone here. I'm a chronic sufferer of hemorrhoids. The worst hemmorhoid I have is shaped like Bush and Rove enjoying a lap dance from Ann KKKoulter...
Posted by: Arbiter | July 20, 2006 at 08:18 AM
If Der ChimpenReichsFuhrer had not stopped the Blessed Ryte of using stem cells to cure the world's evils, we could have used them to equip Americans living in Lebanon with gills so they could swim quickly to safety...or giant frog legs so they could jump to safety instead of waiting on the failed policy of rescuing people who don't vote for the Re-Thug-li-KKKan Party!!
By now, Ryghtful Presydent of 2004, Jean Francois Kerry, would have flown over there on a helicopter, much like he would have done in VietNam, and he would have sprayed a scientifically perfected stem cell mist to make all this happen.
Posted by: Bush4Ever | July 20, 2006 at 08:24 AM
I got the Vitus Gerulaitis from a 2-dollar whore one time in Ciudad Acuña
Posted by: Neocon-pincher | July 20, 2006 at 08:38 AM
Maybe Lance Armstrong will grow his ball back?
Posted by: Mo | July 20, 2006 at 09:25 AM
"Unless, of course, you're June Fandong giving "it all" to your Beloved Eggs-ham-and-Cysts Omelette."--Kiki Dee
Wow! When I was consuming a lightly-salted RuPaulo (no salsa needed and You Know What I'm Talkin Bout) it never occurred to me that anything could possibly taste better. But that Vatican Omelette you speak of has me thinking.
When you and Elton John teamed up for "Don't Go Breakin My Heart", I'm assuming you exchanged phone numbers and still get together from time to time to shop, get pedicures and go home with strange men.
Would you and Elton like to take a ride on the wild side in my Beautiful Bal-looooon?
Ellie Mae Clampett is bringing a side of farva beans, NeoCon Pincher has promised not to take a bath until the ride, Petty Officer NoClass MurthaFan is already getting drunk on his step-daddy's liquor, and RockMyworLd Catwoman is putting the finishing touches on her designer-DoMANatrix suit by Rupaul....snap.snap.twist.twist
There's always enough room under the big-tent balloon.
Up, up and a-waayaay
in my beautiful,
my beautiful
Bal-loooon
Posted by: The Exorcist | July 20, 2006 at 10:10 AM
Oh Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! Those elected Nazi's just voted to allow the Jooooos to "defend" themselves!!! Will Bu$Hitler's madness never end!? The Hezbollians and their peaceful friends in Iran, Syria, and Palestine are doomed! Where is Jimmah Carter and his peaceful solution to this mess!?
Posted by: Arbiter | July 20, 2006 at 10:23 AM
Why in the world did you not mention adult stem cells, we can still harvest adults, but, alas, your incisive logic cuts throuth the veneer of right wing hypocrisy.
Posted by: Bush caused my e.d. | July 20, 2006 at 10:25 AM