The Verdict is In: Clinton More Honest, Better Lover Than Bush

Never was the stupidity of the average American more blaringly obvious than when they SE-lected the drooling chimp over the highly intellectual John Kerry, a decorated war hero thrice wounded on the battlefields of Vietnam. Though the slim 51% to 48% margin could hardly be called a “victory” and by no means gave Bush a mandate, it was a stunning reminder of just how dumb the American sheeple really are.

Judging by a recent poll, however, the knuckle-dragging morons of the red states seemed to have magically sprouted brains. By an overwhelming majority, 52% of Americans now think George Bush is a lying bastard, while a paltry 48% remain hopelessly ignorant. Additionally, another whopping 52% believe former President Bill Clinton is more honest than the Shrub – and a better lover, to boot.

Not in a sexual way, though. No, Bill Clinton’s is a soft, snuggly kind of love, like a warm blanket on a cold winter’s day. It’s not phony or staged for political benefit like George Bush’s marriage. Bill Clinton’s undying love for humanity is a natural part of his essence. It oozes out of his pores. It gushes forth from his loins and drenches everyone in his path, causing tough, hard-to-remove stains and a deep yearning for Walt Whitman poetry. Yes, it’s a special love that only special people can appreciate, and Goddess willing, America will know such love again.

Bill! I love you so, I always will
I look at you and see the passion eyes of May
Oh, but am I ever gonna see my wedding day?
I was on your side Bill when you were losin'
You never scheme or lie Bill, there's been no foolin'
But kisses and love won't carry me 'til you marry me Bill!

Comments

[Dodger]

Larry, do you want to be alone?

[Dork]

Is it secularly sacreligious to pleasure one's self to Hil--? No... never mind...

[aelfheld]

Time to buy Kimberly-Clark stock.

And BioFilm.

[brainsample]

" It oozes out of his pores. It gushes forth from his loins and drenches everyone in his path, causing tough, hard-to-remove stains and a deep yearning for Walt Whitman poetry."

That was...

That was...

really sick.

[libmeister]

Isn't it progressyve how groovy President Clinton always goes abroad to criticize the warmongering United States of America? He did it in England when he evaded the draft back in the 1960s and now as a former President right in front of young Muslims. I bet they'll remember for the rest of their life how AmeriKKKa started this war with innocent Muslim freedom fighters. What bravery on Bill's part!

Of course Mr. Clinton's remarks in 1998 doesn't help matters much regarding his present excoriation of the Bu$Hitler warmonger regime. But then Bill could argue that it depends on what the definition of "last chance" is.

[Friend of USA]

Don't blame Larry, he might have been a victim of...

Orgasmic cephalalgia;

A type of vascular headache that occurs right before orgasm, regardless of how vigorous sex is or not[...]

[Damian G.]

The Womyn-Goddess Maya Angelou couldn't have said it better.

[Bush4Ever]

You mean more AmeriKKKans prefer a BJ Clinton to a Bush?

[JannyMae]

"No, Bill Clinton’s is a soft, snuggly kind of love, like a warm blanket on a cold winter’s day."

Larry, how could you write something so utterly nauseating?! I think you've crossed over to the Rethuglikkkan side. No progressyve could possibly be so unbelievably CRUEL! I almost barfed up my banana cream pie!

[Dork]

Larry a rethuglikkkan? SECULAR BLASPHEMY! Larry is more progressyve than a big pile of naked men having sex with each other.

[MMM'BILLY]

BOOBIES! WE NEED TO TAKE A POLL ON WHO HAS BETTER MANBOOBIES! THAT'S TRUE PROGESTICVE ENLIGHTERNMENT!

[camojack]

Oh, I dunno...Laura is always smiling.

Hillary?! Don't even go there...

[Sen. Durbin]

Well, as the great journalist Dan Rather stated, "One can be honest and lie about any number of things." By that standard....wa...wait....does that mean the Chimp is still honest even after he lied 2000 kids into the grave so that Halliburton could raid their wallets and eat the corpses?

No, it can't be. Why does Rather think the SShrub is honest? Did Rove intimidate him enough by planting those "fake" documents that Rather is now an unquestioning lemming of the Bush junta?

When Rather turns to the dark side, we know that the lying, murdering Chimp's suppression of dissent has been completed.

[Kiki B.]

Dear Friends,

My sis-in-law recently received an email from her cousin, Kelly. Kelly's friend is Angela Sackett who is right now appearing on The Food Network's "Next Food Network Stars Season 2" show. She has been in ahead in the voting, but today has fallen behind. Do you all think you could go over and vote for her? I have been doing so once a day(that's all that's allowed). Thanks! Here's the link:

http://www.foodnetwork.com/food/show_nf_vote/text/0,2495,FOOD_20356_38539,00.html

[Kiki B.]

Libmeister,

Here is an excerpt from that article you linked:

"Operation Desert Fox, a strong, sustained series of attacks, will be carried out over several days by U.S. and British forces, Clinton said."

He would name it after what he thought of their women. BTW, has he ever looked under a burqa? I guess he doesn't really care if Hillary is any indication.

[Bush4Ever]

"Hillary?! Don't even go there..."

I heard that Mrs William Jefferson Clinton likes Bush.

[Dork]

Kiki, take a lesson from the progressyve democrats and get enslaved animals (pets) and the living-impared (dead) to vote for your friend. Those are ripe demographics!

[OmarTheTentMaker]

Larry-All I can say is Thank God it's Friday and Thank God I'm heading over to my girlfriends house after a long shower....That was deep stuff man.

[Talking Toaster]

I just conducted a poll. Who is Toast?

1) John "F" Kerry

2) George W. Bush

The overwhelming margarine went to Kerry. That proves Larry's point.

Even those dumb knuckle-dragging morons of the red states voted for Kerry. With those type of results the Shillery ticket of Hillary her John will win the next election.

[Moonchild]

The bliss of the 90's has turned to the malaise of the millenium. I miss the 90's as much as I miss striking a blow for animal rights by liberating HIV-infected hamsters from Berkeley's disease research gulag and watching them run free towards San Francisco. In those heady days, I wore kneepads wherever I went to express solidarity with our sisters and brothers who pined to worship the Presidental Maleness. I quote from Walt Whitman's I Sing the Body Electric:

"Limitless limpid jets of love hot and enormous, quivering jelly of love, white-blow and delirious juice"

Please come back Bill. Monica misses you so, as do we all.

[PTPFP]

For true progressyveness and systerhood, Hillary needs to wear a burka. This is so important.

I think the reason why four percent of the sheeple flopped over to Kerry's side is that Bush infected with scabies or herpes simplex 41.

[Talking Toaster]

Yes, those dumb knuckle-dragging morons of the red states have finally realized that George W. Bush will not be reelected in 2008!

Hah, take that you red-state redneck losers!

[Che]

Bill Clinton’s undying love for humanity is a natural part of his essence. It oozes out of his pores. It gushes forth from his loins and drenches everyone in his path, causing tough, hard-to-remove stains and a deep yearning for Walt Whitman poetry.

But even after you've been loved by Bill the love keeps on giving. After the Secret Service gives you a swig of listerine and escorts you from the building, after Bill Richardson gives you a cushy job, after the black eye and fat lip go away, even after you finally get around to going to the dry cleaner's, Bill's mark will remind you of that tender moment you shared in the anteroom just off camera. It usually clears up after a few days, though, so wear it as a badge of honor.

[Fist of Etiquette]

Americans always prefer lovers to fighters. When will the RNC figure that out?

Personally, I refuse to post any more comments on an Internet that the United Nations doesn't control.

Kofi was like "C'mon guys let us have the Internet too" but Bush was all "My Internet! MINE! WAAAAHHHHHH! Condi can I use the bathroom please?"

Bush didn't even invent the thing. I can't wait until Europe makes a bigger, better, more kickass Internet of their own and the U.S. can't use it.

[Che]

That is so true, fist. If Europe's phone systems and electrcal outlets are any indication, their internet will be like so way cooler than ours.