Bush Stagnated My Air

My radio alarm clock woke me this afternoon with the horrifying news that an “Air Stagnation Warning” would be in effect for the Greater Seattle Area throughout the entire holiday weekend.

Good Goddess! What terrible new ecological nightmare has Bush sprung on us now? Arsenic in the drinking water, global warming, hurricanes, tornadoes, tsunamis, and now “Air Stagnation?”

I certainly wasn’t going to take any chances with my health. Regretfully, I’d have to cancel my trip to my grandmother’s this Thanksgiving.

“Gosh, Larry, I don’t recall even inviting you,” my heartbroken Grandma told me over the phones minutes later. “As a matter of fact, that restraining order is still in effect.”

“Don’t try to talk me out of it,” I replied, “My mind is made up. You racist Nazis will just have to celebrate white man’s eradication of the indigenous peoples without me this year. It saddens me just as deeply as it does you.”

“Your grandfather is loading his shotgun,” said Grandma. “Ned! Put that thing away! He’s NOT coming!”

“…And when you’re sitting at the dinner table with all my inbred neocon cousins,” I continued, “remember to be thankful for all the kids who died in Iraq so you can have a full tank of gas. That’s blood on your hands, not cranberry sauce, you know.”

“I’m thankful for a lot of things,” Grandma snapped, “but you aren’t one of them.” The senile ol’ bat is sure getting cranky in her old age.

“No use begging, Gramma,” I told her. “I’m not going to ruin my lungs on a toxic pocket of stagnant air just so Bush’s big turkey buddies can line their feathery pockets. But if you can convince your beloved Shrub to ratify Kyoto, perhaps I’ll make it down for Winterfest next month.”

“Winterfest?” Grandma snorted. “You mean Christmas?”

“STOP FORCING YOUR RELIGION ON ME, YOU FUNDAMENTALIST KOOK!!!” I screeched and slammed the phone down, shattering my Nokia into a hundred pieces across the kitchen counter.

You try to be nice to these people in the spirit of the holidays and they start proselytizing like Pat Robertson at a transgendered abortionist’s same-sex wedding.

Right wing intolerance knows no bounds.

Comments

[libmeister]

Lar, I see your grandpa is one of those reich-wing Second Amendment nuts. I bet he thought the "commies" were really the bad guys when it was AmeriKKKa that was promoting hate and violence around the world. Makes a progressyve want to slit their wrists in frustration. You got any room under that sink?

[Kiki B.]

My Dear Friends,

If you are awake late at night, and are bored with what's on TV, so you start flipping through the channels, DON'T!! Turn off the TV, read a book, do something besides watch shows that you don't normally watch.

I had a traumatic experience just now. I was flipping through the channels, and came across a show called, "The Insider" hosted by Pat O'Brien. They were showing Oprah receiving a reward in NYC, and it was presented to her by none other than Hillary Clinton. At this time, Pat O'Brien proceeded to say the following quote(warning to those with a weak stomach), "Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton looked GORGEOUS in a black gown." MMMMPPPPHHHH!! *GAG* *COUGH* Sorry, just repeating that is making my stomach churn. When I heard that, especially the use of Hillary and gorgeous in the same sentence, I wasn't even able to make it to the bathroom to worship the "porcelain god". No thanks to that stupid show, I had to wash my entire bedding ensemble in the middle of the night.

The image of her looking like sausage stuffed into black casing and hearing those words...MMMMPPPHHH!!...is SEARED into my brain. I am now going to have to scrub my brain out with Clorox to even remotely survive the rest of my life. I am scarred, I tell you...SCARRED for life! Gaia help me! I don't care if Hillary is a good Lyberal, I mean Progressyve who wants control of our children, that was a horrific moment. I'm surprised my TV didn't explode.

Pardon me, my friends, but I must go now and check myself into the Looney Bin. I fear that I shall never recover.

[Moonchild]

Head on down to the Ashram for indigenous people's day, Lar. We're offering a smorgasboard of foods from cultures which Amerika has exterminated. There'll be soy paste and rice from pre-1945 Japan, perogies from pre-1989 Soviet Russia, Bratwurst from pre-1945 Germany, succulent pork barbecue from the pre-1865 American Confederacy, and shredded plastic courtesy of Uday and Qusay from pre-2002 Iraq, then we'll finish by passing a fattie and a Havana cigar around the circle while we discuss prospects for both Mexico and Cuba in a post-Bush world and how we can see the walls melting because someone laced the joint with an inkblot.

[Jeremy]

What IS Air Stagnation? Is it serious?
Does it spread?
Will it affect pregressives elsewhere?

[Bush4Ever]

Did you know that there were once glaciers right here in AmeriKKKa!!! That's right, there were. And then The Bu$Hitler Family found oil and created SUVs to use the oil and they also killed all the dinosaurs to make even more oil. The air got warmer, the ice melted away from AmeriKKKa and The Bu$Hitler Family hid all the SUVs in the pyramids. Now they are doing it again to make the ice melt and flood the East and West Coasts because that's where all the Lyberals, I mean, Progessyves live!!

Stop Bu$Hitler's War For Oil!!!

[OmarTheTentMaker]

Did you save your duct tape and plastic?

[Fist of Etiquette]

Alan Alda told me in a recent TV debate that he was having with Detective Sipowicz's partner for some reason that we don't have to go to war for oil. Since it's a commodity, to obtain it apparently we just have to be willing to pay for it. So why did Bush send us to war for oil? Is he cheap?

Also, I notice that these "Posted by" times seem to be set to a European clock. Why is that?

[Bush4Ever]

Will you people STOP POSTING YOUR HATE-FILLED "MESSAGES"??!! How do I define "hate-filled"? If they do not contain anything that blames SCOTUS-Selected ChimpFace Smirky Dumbya Bu$Hitler for anything and everything then they are hate-filled. Got it?

[Bu$hCausedMyGout]

Kiki, Whenever I think of Pat O'Brien I think of when I saw him on Dr. Phil and they played some explicit phone messages that he'd left on someone's machine, (probably Hillary Clintons!)
From CBS.com:
For years, O'Brien cozied up with celebrities while reporting on the stories behind Hollywood's headlines.

But in March, he found himself in the direct glare of the spotlight when a slew of sexually explicit voice-mails from O'Brien became public.

Here is an excerpt: "I want to (bleep) go crazy with you. I want to talk dirty to you...get another woman up...Let's get crazy, get some coke."

[Bu$hCausedMyGout]

Talk about stagnant air! According to the brilliant Climatologist Bill Maher we are only breathing 9% oxygen?!

[Che]

Man, that is so like Chimpy McHalliburton's weather machine to make the air go stagnant after hempfest!

[Bush4Ever]

""I want to (bleep) go crazy with you. I want to talk dirty to you...get another woman up...Let's get crazy, get some coke.""

Strange. I had heard that Pat preferred Pepsi.

[Bush4Ever]

Wow!!! Christmas came early this year!!!

Not One More Mother's Child, a book by Peace Mother Sheehan!!!

[Dodger]

Quotes Not Appearing In Mother Sheehan’s Book

[DAVE]

Just think how good it will feel when your racist grandmother is put into the boxcar for her long trip to the workcamp. that should warm your heart, Lar.

[Titan Mk 6B]

Lar,
You have reached a new high, I mean low, uh high, low, ah,ah,ah, oh nevermind.

[Bush4Ever]

I wonder if PMS ever plays the number "444" in any state lottery games?

[Son of the South ©]

Air stagnation? What air stagnation? No hyper-link?

[PTPFP]

Kiki B, get used to it darlin'. That sausage casing cum gown is the forerunner of the Western Burka, designed for the smartest woman on the planet. I have some disinfecting wipes for you in Orange, Lemon and Fresh Scents.

Just wait til she adds my showstopping Pink Turban and holds a Pretty in Pink press conference.

[PTPFP]

Or maybe they won't want her to model the burka, seeing as how your unfortunate reference to her as sausage may have put them off...

[PTPFP]

Air stagnation? Isn't that what happened when Al Franken took to the airwaves and was kicked off the air because some Bu$hReichwinger at Chase bounced all the checks?

[Mr. Baldo. He has a blog now.]

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As advertised on the Shorn Hannity Radio Hour.
Now with Phlogiston®‼
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[libmeister]

Lar, I can't say I'm exactly comfortable enjoying a plump, juicy turkey this ThanKKKsgiving season. Once again the military industrial complex, which has become even more ruthless under the Bu$Hitler/Halliburton/Cheney/RoveHimmler/Libby regime, is catering to the basest instict of the AmeriKKKan people with the plundered booty from Gaia's own bosom. The plunder of which I speak are the billions of turkeys murdered in cold blood for mere eating pleasure. The PETA child within me is screaming, "IS THERE NO JUSTICE FOR GAIA'S INNOCENT CREATURES?"

However, I've decided to salve my conscience with the knowledge that progressyve people, for example, don't want any of those fertilized human embryos to go to waste if they weren't used for embryonic stem cell research. Since the evil Big Turkey capitalists have already murdered the turkeys, then I am compelled to eat my fair share to keep them from "going to waste."

But once again here is an example of corporate AmeriKKKa raping the world's resources for its own carnal pleasures. Did you know the average AmeriKKKan eats a hundred times more turkey than a starving child in Ethiopia? And clearly these turkeys symbolize more burnt offering to the KKKhristian God of death. So I'll grudgingly force myself to enjoy an illegally murdered turkey.

Happy ThanKKKsgiving anyway.

[Crazy Politico]

You are killing me! I visit this site every day just so I can see if anything is funny enough to get soda to come out of my nose, and usually it does.

you'd think a 40something guy would be smart enough to not drink anything while reading this. But being the cousin of an inbred neocon, I didn't learn that.

[aelfheld]

Right wing intolerance knows no bounds.

Well, some.

But you're not likely to hit them.