BlameBush!

Liar Libby Never Banged an Intern

Vice peeResidential Chief of Staff, Lewis "Scooter" Libby, was indicted Friday on charges of perjury and obstruction of justice, both inexcusable crimes if not committed to conceal the extramarital banging of interns.

Indeed, what Libby did wasn't simply about two consenting adults sharing a moment of passion and a fine cigar, but quite the contrary. When he put his hand on the bible and perjured himself, he did so for purely selfish reasons - and the stench of corruption goes all the way up the chain of command. Rice. Cheney. Rove. Shrub. Let the records show that none of these scoundrels ever once dropped their pants for a campaign worker or banged an intern for their country.

So much for "restoring honesty and integrity to the White House."

Bush Drowns Three Children in San Francisco

When I heard last week that a San Francisco woman had been arrested for throwing her three children off a pier and watching them drown, my first instinct was to jump out of my bean bag chair and cry "WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO A WOMAN'S RIGHT TO CHOOSE?" But then I was suddenly overcome by a traumatic childhood memory of my father tossing me into the river in a primitive attempt at teaching me how to swim. After the rescue team plucked me from the bottom of the falls and untied the trailer hitch from my neck, I swore I'd never go near the water again - not even to bathe. Thirty years and 450 gallons of patchouli later, I sense the same frightening swimming instruction technique being revived, and it threatens to become an epidemic.

Like Susan Smith and Andrea Yates before her, LaShaun Harris has already been tried and found guilty in the court of public opinion. In their simplistic, black and white worldview, many have branded the mothers as "criminals" while cloaking the kids in a cozy blanket of victimhood status. But perhaps it's the mothers themselves who are the victims - victims of a society where we can afford to give tax cuts to the wealthiest one percent of Americans, but not teach our own children the basics of water survival, a skill they'll certainly need once global warming has melted all the ice caps.

Sadly, tragic events like those we witnessed in San Francisco are destined to reoccur. When Bush cut funding to the YMCA in order to finance his illegal and immoral war on terror, hundreds of swimming programs were slashed and public pools closed, condemning thousands of children to the same fate as the Harris kids.

I look forward to a day when desperate mothers won't have to toss their tots off piers to teach them to swim. If they feel the need to do so anyway, the kids will be able to simply doggie-paddle back to shore and enjoy long lives of sexual fulfillment and union representation.

That day will never come as long as Bush is peeResident.

Hillary Sends Harriet Olson Back to Walnut Grove

She was untried, untested, and had no credentials nor experience in Constitutional law. If it weren't for the churchgoing and the abortion-bashing, Harriet Olson was closest thing we had to a new Supreme Court justice picked entirely by democrats.

She had too many secrets, though. She knew where all Bush's bodies were buried, where all the closeted skeletons were. So rather than let Senator Clinton grill her like a cheese sandwich, she loaded Nellie and Albert into her wagon and headed back to Walnut Grove.

"Please tell us one thing you disagree with the president on," Hillary told a trembling group of rabbis when asked what questions she'd have for the nominee.

One of nine White House interns agree that nothing gets past the ol' Arkansas Bulldog. She may be a simple country girl at heart, but she can spot a right-wing hack like lipstick on Bubba's zipper.

2000!

With the announcement of the anxiously awaited Big Two Triple-Donuts last night, we passed what I like to call a "grim milestone". Two thousand soldiers killed for a lie. Two thousand lives destroyed in an illegal and immoral war waged without cause, reason, nor France's blessing. Two thousand young men and women who will never experience a consensual relationship with a member of the same gender, nor enjoy their Constitutional right to choose.

TWO THOUSAND! Let that figure sink in for a moment. It's a hard number to fathom, especially for caring, sensitive progressives such as us. Most of us don't make two thousand dollars a year, or take two thousand showers in our entire lifetimes. A stack of two thousand pennies would tower 9.5 feet off the ground and come to about twenty bucks. $16.98 if they're Canadian pennies. Two thousand pencils lined up end-to-end would stretch from the earth to the moon and back again, not to mention waste a lot of nice trees just to prove a silly point.

Although we wouldn't be caught dead at a Support-Our-Troops rally or a Veterans' Day Parade, progressives across the nation will gather in their communities tonight to honor those we've spent the last 40 years dishonoring: the baby-killing, corpse-burning, genital-mocking, Quran-mishandling, innocent-civilian-torturing, wedgie-giving, uneducated, brainwashed fascist morons who were tricked into joining the military by unscrupulous recruiters. It's not a celebration mind you, but a time to collectively mourn the loss of people we care enough about to actually pretend like we give a damn. And while our maudlin displays of national self-loathing may ultimately embolden the enemy and bring us closer to the Big Three-Oh-Oh-Oh, each candle we light will cleanse us of any misguided guilt we share for constantly kicking our uniformed men and women in the metaphorical nards.

We owe the troops that much.

UPDATE: Here are some photos of the somber "2000 Dead Troops" festivities in San Francisco.

Seattle-Area "2000 KIA" Ceremony Postponed Due to Insufficient Number of Dead Troops

I regretfully announce that tomorrow's "2000 KIA" celebration has been postponed due to lack of troop participation.

I know, I know. I'm just as disappointed as you are. We've all waited patiently for the number of U.S. casualties in Iraq to reach a nice, round number that would sound good in anti-war slogans. I spent a fortune on a giant order of custom-made "Bush Lied, 2000 Died!" party hats, each emblazoned in gold leaf with the name of a soldier who died for Bush's lies. Our own Congressman Jim McDermott hoped to get naked and chain himself to the Hammering Man, and the passing of this grim milestone would have given him a perfect excuse. But thanks to a few stubborn holdouts, the official body count is hovering at an awkward 1,996. It doesn't even rhyme with anything! It's almost as if the troops are purposely staying alive just to spoil our efforts to throw Bush out of office.

Don't put your peace hookahs and pink dashikis back in hock yet, though. If our luck holds out, there will be a major Iraqi offensive this week that will put us over the top. A roadside explosive device or a suicide bomber and we're back in business. It's an opportunity that won't come again until we hit 3000, and the number of casualties in Iraq exceeds those from 9/11, thus rendering the entire War on Terror a pointless exercise in futility.

So keep your fingers crossed.

Blog for Me, Dahhhhhlink!

Arianna Huffington rolling around on a shag carpet in nothing but fishnet stockings. Some say it's what turned Michael Huffington gay. However, it's been a secret fantasy of mine for as long as I can remember - about twenty minutes, to be exact. That, and being asked to lend my talents to her delightfulwebsite.

With contributions from such esteemed progressive scholars as Harry Shearer, Alec Baldwin, and the guy who played B.J. Honeycutt on M*A*S*H, The Huffington Post is an island of liberal brainpower in a vast blogosphere of right-wing morons. Who can forget when civil rights leader Randall Robinson revealed that flesh-eating zombies had Fats Domino trapped inside a New Orleans shopping mall? Or when Huffington's astute readers observed that First Lieutenant Gregg Murphy of the 278th Regimental Combat Team resembles a penis (a fact that the mainstream media seems to have conveniently overlooked). You don't get those sort of startling revelations from Powergrab or Little Green Turdballs, folks.

I would love nothing more than to be counted as a member of such a leguminous gallery of liberal luminaries, but until my saucy Greek goddess sidles up and purrs an invitation into my ear with that incredibly sexy accent of hers, I'll just have to settle for a cheesy guest blogging stint at Wuzzadem.

And I'll tell you right now - these 8 x 10 glossies of John in fishnet stockings don't do him justice.

Troops Still Insensitive to Religion of Peace

There's obviously no limit to the depths of depravity the U.S. military will sink in order to kill the enemy while saving their own skins. According to Australian newspapers, sadistic U.S. soldiers were spotted burning the bodies of Taliban freedom fighters in a twisted ploy to lure their comrades out of hiding.

It's all one big joke to the right-wing chickenhawks, but to the Muslim people the mutilation of the dead is considered a vile form of desecration fit only for civilian contractors and Jews. In accordance with Islamic law, the deceased must be ritually bathed and buried facing Mecca, or they will be reincarnated as 7-ll clerks with hairy foreheads and bad dispositions.

After the infamous genital-mocking incidents at Abu Ghraib prison, and the rampant Quran-mishandling atrocities at Gitmo, one would think that the U.S. military would be a little more careful not to offend radical muslim clerics and Democrat senators. While human decency requires that we mock and ridicule barbaric Christian traditions like monogamy and pre-marital abstinence, Islam is a rich tapestry of religious customs that must be respected and preserved. It's not too much to ask that troops take a little time out from their oh-so-busy schedule to sponge-bathe the bodies of those they've viciously slaughtered, bury them facing Mecca, and then dance around the sacred yak while a licensed union imam screeches like a wounded hyena through a ceremonial bullhorn. If soldiers would simply educate themselves about the Religion of Peace, then perhaps they'll come to respect other Muslim traditions as well - such as flying planes into buildings and sawing the heads off infidels.

It isn't rocket science, folks.

Guest Blogging at Wuzzadem

I was recently invited to guest blog over at Wuzzadem, so last night's post is over there. I typically don't whore myself out to right-wing extremist blogs, but I would be negligent in my progressive duties if I passed up such a wonderful opportunity to enlighten the uneducated trogs who frequent that little Île du Diable of intolerance.

Besides, the $12 million that Prince Mbeki Salingo at Wuzzadem is sending me will go a long way towards paying off my ginseng colonic tab.

I Picked the Wrong Week to Give Up Prescription Painkillers

No blogging tonight. I'm just out of oral surgery, so I'm going to pop five or six vicodins and pray for Death with Dignity.

However, there's a fascinating article in the Seattle Times you might be interested in. Apparently, Bush's global warming is having an uncertain, yet possibly devastating effect on the Pacific Northwest. Once a wild, untamed land covered with vast, roaming herds of majestic glaciers, Washington State is now little more than a barren wasteland where even the most aggressive ice caps have retreated deep into the mountains, living out the remainder of their lives in quiet pursuit of spiritual fulfillment. The mercury has risen 2.5 degrees in the last one hundred years, a frightening trend that will see us all frying like slugs on a skillet by the year 2590. And we have Bush's refusal to transfer our wealth to developing countries to thank for it.

The outlook for Puget Sound itself is especially grave. Scientists fear that rising sea levels and warmer water temperatures will threaten native marine animals with extinction. That's bad news for the floating turds and used prophylactics that depend on these creatures to survive. The damage Bush has done to our rivers is unmistakable as well. There was a time when the Green River was so thick with hookers that you could almost walk across the river on them. Anymore, it's unusual to see a group of three or more together, and they're typically so bloated and lethargic that there's little assurance they'll ever make it upstream to spawn.

Now excuse me while I kiss the sky.

The Evergreen Midget Riots of '95

May 4th, 1970. Jackbooted members of the Ohio National Guard gunned down four Kent State University students protesting Nixon's invasion of peace-loving Cambodia. Thirty-five years later, the thick, gastrointestinal stench of fascism has crept into Ohio once again, this time in the bucolic burg of Toledo, known affectionately as "The Festering Carbuncle of the Midwest". But when a small band of Republicans descended upon a predominantly black Toledo neighborhood to denounce its residents as subhuman animals prone to violence, the community came together to prove them wrong by rioting, looting, and throwing rocks at police officers.

As my Segway sped through the halls of Evergreen State College this morning, the quiet campus deserted for Ramadan break, I couldn't help but recall a similar incident here a few years ago. When the Olympia chapter of the American Anti-Midget League staged a march to protest the "pint-sized circus freaks" turning our college into a "clown school", hundreds of midget students responded by riding unicycles, juggling brightly colored balls, and shooting themselves out of cannons. It took two whole days for the authorities to herd the little fellas back into their tiny car and send them home. And while their unified show of defiance drew sharp criticism from the right-wing press, midget leaders hailed the riots as a natural eruption of midget rage built-up from decades of heightist oppression. In the end, the vertically challenged students kept their self-respect and dignity, while the Anti-Midget bigots merely got a ton of free publicity and a few hours of video for their next recruitment drive.

As a Professym of Midget Studies and Kama Sutra at Evergreen, I teach my students that acts of violence like those we saw in Toledo are unacceptable...but understandable and completely excusable. While destroying your own neighborhood does nothing to change the puny minds of inbred morons, it provides your trusted community demagogues with the leverage they need to make positive changes in the financial situations of their close friends and relatives. For as Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said as he wheeled a cartful of DVD players out of a Birmingham Wal-Mart, "We will leave no metaphorical car unturned in our righteous crusade against the intolerant storefront windows of social injustice."