BlameBush!

Uganda: "Give Us Condoms, or Give Us Death!"

Drought. Famine. AIDS. Just a few of the many plagues Bush has forced upon Africa, if not the entire world. Now, thanks to his primitive views against casual sex and abortion-on-demand, Bush is withholding millions of life-saving prophylactics from the peaceful, yet incredibly horny people of Uganda. According to the United Nations, Uganda is 30 million latex condoms short of the 150 million it needs to survive, and is experiencing a frightening shortage of french ticklers as well. Indeed, the entire African continent is on the brink of a "condom crisis" unseen since the middle ages, and Bush's puritan religious idealogy is to blame.

Although he claims it isn't an "abstinence only" policy, Bush's African AIDS-prevention program preaches "Abstinence, Be Faithful, and Use Condoms". As research shows, the mere mention of "abstinence" is the leading cause of teen pregnancy - perhaps why our founding fathers never included the ghastly word in the Constitution- and anything short of "Put this on and get busy" could pose serious health risks. With sexual attacks against women and children on the rise, this is no time for Bush to duck out on his responsibility to keep Uganda supplied with rubbers, either.

I, for one, will not sit idly by while Bush recklessly destroys another peaceful nation in the name of his extremist religion. I encourage all my readers to send their new or slightly worn condoms to the United Nations, so that they may be distributed equitably among the suffering people of Uganda in a variety of sizes and, if possible, ribbed for her pleasure.

Bush World's Biggest Hurricane

I briefly awoke from my NyQuil coma last night to discover that CNN's 24-hour coverage of Cindy Sheehan's courageous vigil had been interrupted to report on Katrina's aftermath, with running commentary from Cindy Sheehan.

"Katrina was only a 4.9 on the Richter scale," Cindy spoke in her pleasingly robotic Janeane Garafolo monotone. "But if the severity of hurricanes was measured by the amount of lives lost, families destroyed, and damage wrought to the natural environment, then George W. Bush is by far the biggest hurricane of all. Isn't that right, Casey Dawg?"

"You go, Ma!!" replied her son, Spc. Casey Sheehan, whose spirit Cindy now channels through a sock puppet on her right hand.

It all made perfect sense to me. The deadliest in a long line of Bush hurricanes, Katrina was practically a metaphor for Bush's illegal and immoral War in Iraq. It attacked from the south with unbelievable shock and awe, brutally murdered millions of helpless innocents but spared the oil wells, then veered severely off course and petered out somewhere in Ohio. It was as if Katrina had followed a script plucked straight from the devious mind of Karl Rove himself. 

Why? For the answer, one need look no further than New Orlean's leaky Superdome, which is quickly becoming a giant bowl of Negro soup.  With the South's entire Black voting population under 15 feet of water, Bush is guaranteed an all-white electorate when he revokes the Constitution and runs for an historic third term in 2008. And with the French Quarter completely obliterated, the Führer will have little opposition as he continues his Blitzkrieg across the Middle East.

After years of denying the truth, it appears that the scientific community and members of the mainstream press are finally beginning to realize what we progressives have known all along: that Bush's refusal to ratify Kyoto is not merely the unfortunate result of his unbridled greed and stupidity, but a calculated plot to eliminate his political enemies with seemingly "natural" disasters.

Hopefully, the international community will move quickly to save America from Bush and his big polluter buddies - even if it means stationing armed U.N. regulators in all our major corporations. If Coward Bush is too much of a cowardly coward to meet with one woman and her sock-puppet, then maybe 3000 French troops on his front lawn will scare him straight.

It may be too late for New Orleans and the rest of Georgia, but once the world becomes convinced that bad weather is caused not by natural forces beyond our control, but by greedy conservatives and even capitalism itself, then perhaps Casey Sheehan will not have died in vain.

I sighed with inspiration as our Commander in Grief bid America goodnight, likely off to perform another one of her hourly cross-kneeling photo-ops for peace. There was a mechanical whirring sound as the hydraulic kneepads George Soros gave her kicked into gear, and then she was gone.

Bush Sweeps Army Hospital and Entire War Under the Rug

Built in 1909 to remind Americans of the terrible cost of war, Walter Reed Army Medical Center was used in recent years to secretly treat wounded soldiers - often in the dead of night. If it weren't for outstanding members of the transgendered community hysterically screaming "ENLIST HERE AND DIE FOR HALLIBURTON!" at the hospital's front gates, most Americans would be completely unaware that there were any American casualties at all. Now, with the announcement of Walter Reed's imminent closure, Bush has driven yet another nail into the phony cardboard coffin of political dissent.

Plans to "expand" the National Naval Medical Center in Bethesda, MD only confirms the depths Bush will sink in order to hide the truth. Entire sections of the hospital have already been declared off limits to TV cameras, Air America jokesters, and Michael Moore's film crew. Fascist "buffer zones" known as "Burn Units" are being designated in which the first amendment right to harass and heckle severely wounded soldiers no longer exists. Covered patios and promenades are under construction to conceal patients from the public eye while depriving them of the healing powers of progressive loogie. Under the guise of providing the troops with "privacy" and "security", Bush seeks to effectively sweep the price tag for his nasty little war right under the rug.

With additional hospital closures certain to come, our wounded troops will be even more hidden from the viewing public. Eventually, Al -Jazeera will be the only resource for those who crave all the juicy details about U.S. casualties presented in an unapologetically liberal light. Until then, we'll have to rely on non-partisan organizations like Code Pink to bring the horrors of war home with slickly produced flash presentations.

Camp Larry Update #2

Mother returned to Camp Larry this morning, surfing on a veritible tsusami of Grief Mojo. With her head held high and her bong even higher, she looked more the conquering heroine than a woman who has lost both a son and a brother to Bush's pointless "war on terror".

Shortly after getting kicked out of Jersey's Sports Bar for "Giving everyone the creeps", the whole hootenanny moved up the block to the Gold Star Tavern, bringing mother 50 yards closer to the Coward in Crawford and even harder for him to ignore. With hundreds of supporters arriving each day to bask in Mother's aura of Absolute Moral Authority, Bush will soon have no choice but to end this immoral war and legalize marijuana. On Sunday, we were even treated to a visit by the great Neil Young, who staggered into the tavern and performed an impromptu rendition of his timeless anti-war ballad, I'm Not Neil Young, You Stupid Hippies before passing out atop the Huggy Bears for Peace display.

Brilliantly conceived by mother herself, Huggy Bears for Peace was originally intended to honor each one of our fallen heroes with a teddy bear in his/her name, as a poignant reminder of their brave sacrifice for a just and noble cause. But with the number of Iraqi Freedom Fighters killed in action climbing into the tens of thousands, we decided it would be more feasible to simply honor our murderous troops with the instead. In essence, the huge pile of over 1,800 teddy bears would convey to the American sheeple that our troops are not valiant warriors marching off to defend our country, but rather innocent babes torn from the arms of their loving mothers by fascist military recruiters. Plus, it'd be great for photo-ops.

The right-wing cromags, of course, would have nothing of this beautiful symbol of love and respect for our genital-mocking, Quran-mishandling troops. Huggy Bears for Peace was up for less than two days before the hateful neocons started flooding in and stealing the stuffed bears right from the pile. 'MY SON WAS NOT A HUGGY BEAR!" one firebreathing jingoist growled at my poor, grieving mother. "HE WAS A UNITED STATES MARINE, AND DAMN PROUD OF IT!" We never laughed so hard in our entire lives.

It never ceases to amaze me how these chickhawks will force their own toddlers to help Bush steal Iraq's oil but won't sign up themselves. Even the Shrub refuses to send his daughters over to fight, a tradition that great war presidents have honored for over two hundred years. Who can forget the awe-inspiring images of Chelsea Clinton flying bombing missions over Sarajevo? Apparently the right-wing media can, because they never bothered to report it.

Anyway, I'm probably going to stay away from Camp Larry for a while, so don't expect any more updates. With Mom now the media darling, the place is beginning to fill with some real nutjob radicals. A heated argument broke out this afternoon as to whether we were entitled to the 79 free virgins when we died. Certainly we've done our part to end this silly war and rid the muslim holy land of kufr once and for all, but I'm pretty sure that we have to actually die in the process of killing infidels to qualify for the 79 virgins package in the afterlife. I can already hear the right-wingers questioning our patriotism should we begin Martyrdom Operations for Peace!

No, best leave that up to the professionals. Besides, I doubt you could find 17 Seattle-area women who died as virgins, let alone 79 - and they were probably virgins for a reason. My Great Aunt Hilda died a virgin because she looked like Abe Vigoda. Call me superficial, but I'm not sure I want to spend eternity with a harem of 79 naked Vigodas. Susan Sontags, perhaps...but they'd have to shave their backs.

Robertson Activates Christian Sleeper Cells

Except for few desperate individuals driven to violence by U.S. imperialism, Islam is a Religion of Peace. Christianity, on the other hand, has been the engine of world suffering for over 2000 years. It was Christianity that nearly eradicated the indigenous peoples of this continent, the survivors condemned to the perpetual humiliation of cartoon stereotypes and offensive sports mascots. It was Bush's Christian cousin, Adolf Hitler, who sent hundreds of homosexuals and midgets to the gas chambers even as great agnostics like Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. fought against racial injustice. And it is the Christians who constantly subvert our political process by allowing their "moral compass" to determine how they should vote, rather than NARAL or labor union leaders. Now, the man described by the New York Times as "The Unequivocal Voice of Christian Conservativism - Perhaps Even Christianity Itself" has called for the murder of a benevolent Latin American leader. Alas, the heartless evil of the American Taliban has been never been so palpably insidious.

With a red beret and a thick Latin accent that makes the panties of every progressive American glisten with dew, Hugo Chavez is much more than your typical Marxist revolutionary. Unlike Bush, he's a democratically elected leader who is greatly loved by his people. He's also one of the few Latin American leaders not installed and controlled by the CIA, which has made him the target of several Bush-ordered coups and failed assassination attempts. But in spite of U.S. imperialist plots to poison his Fruit Loops, Chavez has instituted widespread social and economic reforms. This year, he was honored by both Greenpeace and Amnesty International for disposing of the old corroded car batteries in his torture chambers and using cleaner, more efficient solar power to energize the nation's impoverished testicles. Furthermore, spontaneous human decapitations have dropped by 12 percent on Chavez's watch. Can Bush say as much? I don't think so.

Its no wonder, then, that Pat Robertson has issued a death warrant on Papa Chavez.

For the lack of a more gender neutral noun, our founding "fathers" never intended for one man to wield so much power over the mouth-breathing, biblethumping lemmings of Jesusland. That's why they constructed a wall between church and state - the only thing in the Living Breathing Constitution that isn't ethereal or anachronistic. It's for our protection, people! One word from this Osama Bin Laden of the Religious Right and Christian sleeper cells could be activated all across the nation, acting all Holier-Than-Thou and making gay couples feel like second class citizens. Before you know it, Robert Schuller would be sawing off the heads of fornicators on The Hour of Power.

Venezuelan Vice President Charles Rangel (D) had it right. Calls for the assassination of world leaders should be done only by the seasoned professionals on Air America, where they can be directed at members of the Bush administration in a humorous, light-hearted fashion. What Robertson did goes beyond the pale. In a free, democratic society like Venezuela, he'd never get away with it.

Farewell, Uncle Harvey

At 8:32 this morning, Pacific Standard Time, my Uncle Harvey was released from Seattle's Harborview Medical Center in good spirits. At 8:45, he was struck by a '95 Jeep Cherokee in the hospital parking lot. Less than a minute later, dear Uncle Harvey was granted Death With Dignity when the Jeep mercifully backed up and rolled over him again, ending his suffering and bringing his Life Journey to a peaceful conclusion.

My mother would like to thank all those who remembered Uncle Harvey in their non-denominational prayers and incantations yesterday. Everyone is invited to the memorial service, where the first twenty people will get free "Bush is Hitler" t-shirts, courtesy of MoveOn.org. Afterwards, we'll pack as many people as we can into the Impeachment Jeep and head back for Camp Larry.

Aside from its history, culture, government, leaders, military, language, religion, flag, and people, Mother and I love this country and long for the peace & prosperity it knew during the Clinton years, when the economy was booming, gas was three cents a gallon, and terrorists were merely average joes learning to fly commercial airplanes. We hope that in light of Uncle Harvey's untimely passing, Bush will finally awaken to the futility of this immoral war and bring our tots home.

Oh, and legalize marijuana.

Camp Larry Update

At 7:00 this morning Pacific Standard Time, my Uncle Harvey suffered a severe hernia while trying to drag a concrete bong into his meditational yurt. Mother has left Camp Larry to be at his side. While this horrible family tragedy will be a much needed a booster shot of Grief Mojo, we ask that the right-wing media, partisan pundits, and other members of the Zionist cabal to respect our privacy and refrain from criticizing us even as we continue to launch attacks on the peeResident and his policies. Mother also wants Bush to know that her absence in no way lets him off the hook. When the Impeachment Jeep returns to Camp Larry, she'll have a whole new crop of Pity Points to cash in, and will definitely be using her newly acquired Absolute Moral Authority over all those who haven't lost a brother in a freak bong-related accident to bring down the Shrub and end his silly War on Terror. That is, unless Uncle Harvey pulls through - in which case we're screwed. In conclusion: Bush is a terrorist, Karl Rove is a serial killer, Dick Cheney is Shari Lewis, and Osama Bin Laden is his sock puppet.

Thank you.

Book Reviews

I had the day off, so I thought I'd pay a visit to Camp Larry and sign some autographs. Unfortunately, Mom had moved the vigil into a neighboring redneck bar. For reasons I won't go into, I am not welcome inside that particular establishment until I pay for the damages and issue a formal apology to Mr. Daniels and his band. So I decided instead to spend the remainder of the day catching up on some reading.

The first book, Help Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed!, is a touching reminder of how loving progressives protect and nurture us even as we sleep comfortably in our beds. In this colorfully illustrated story, two young conservative snots decide to pick lemons from their family lemon tree and sell lemonade, completely indifferent to the thousands of migrant farm workers who will lose their jobs because of their greedy capitalist venture. A colorful assortment of liberal characters ooze out of the woodwork to put these corporatist urchins back on the straight and narrow. Mayor Leach arrives to collect a lemonade tax so homeless orphans can have free dustpans. The incredibly gorgeous Senator Clankton chastises the brats for putting too much sugar in their toxic right-wing brew, and instructs them to include free broccoli with every cup. When one selfless progressive demands the boys remove a divisive portrait of Jesus Christ from their stand and replace it with an inoffensive drawing of a big toe, the author almost crosses over into the dishonorable realm of satire; the last refuge of idiots. But the book redeems itself in the end when the two chickenhawks are drafted to fight in Bush's illegal and immoral war on terror. Okay, that's not really how it ends. But it would be cool if it did.

From Katherine Willey to Juanita Broderick, Their Lives: The Women Targeted by the Clinton Machine explores the many loves of a man who just had too much love to give. Unlike Bush, who won't even take time out from his drunken holiday to speak to a poor, grieving mother, President Clinton wouldn't hesitate to meet with the little people and feel their pain - and, if time permitted, other parts of their anatomy as well. That's because deep down within his throbbing loins he had a burning desire to help those in need - especially damsels in distress who came looking for a friend and went away with so much more. Trailer trash whoreslut Paula Jones turned to a young Arkansas governor for a new job, and got a glimpse of the future president that only a few hundred other women can claim to have seen. Katherine Willey came to Clinton for a shoulder to cry on...but she got the BONUS PLAN, BABY!!! OHHHH!!! Sure, Clinton got a little boisterous sometimes, but at least he never murdered anyone. No one who didn't have it coming, anyway.

Although he was the most powerful man in the free world, Bill Clinton would drop everything, including his pants, to help a friend. Their Lives chronicles the ordinary lives of the women who were proud to call Bill Clinton a "friend", and what's left of their lives now.

I recommend both these fine books as great additions to your reading list. And I'm not just saying that because the publisher sent me free advance copies.

Would You Hit a Grieving War Mom With Glasses?

Mom and I aren't exactly on speaking terms. Ever since I refused to pay her way to Crawford so she could erect a cross in my honor, she's been giving me the silent treatment. But the piercing screech blaring out of the TV last night was as familiar as a cat in a microwave. A small orange tabby, to be precise. And though I've never forgiven her for it, her appearance on the evening news made me beam with pride.

"Bush murdered my son," she tearfully wheezed into the camera. "He murdered him for no other reason than to steal Iraq's oil the way he stole the election. Click here to learn more. I'll never get my Larry back, but I can fight to insure that no more working families have to bury their children - many of whom don't even make a Living Wage thanks to Bush's tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent. Click here to learn more. If the Shrub really does care about our troops like his PR people say, then he'll stop the killing. He'll be a uniter, not a divider, and call for the immediate withdrawal of all our forces in Iraq and Afghanistan, the removal of all Jews from Israel, and an end to imperialist U.S. aggression abroad. Oh, and the legalization of marijuana."

Lacking funds for her trip, Mom had apparently made some minor "revisions" to her travel plans. Instead of Bush's Crawford Ranch, she was now camped out in front of Bush Garden Japanese Restaurant in downtown Seattle. But while the location had changed, her message remained the same: Bush is evil. Now, in the ninth day of her courageous vigil, the local media had taken notice, and Mom's bloated visage was all over the six o'clock news.

"We can all sympathize with your loss, Ms. Chomstein," the young reporter said. "Could you please tell our viewers exactly how your son was killed?"

Mom gave a solemn nod. "It was a calm day in Faggubah, or whatever it is," she began. "Larry, a handsome young ensign in the U.S. Army Reserves, was charged with guarding an oil well for Halliburton. He was passing out condoms to some Iraqi children from his poorly armored Humvee when Bush came out of nowhere, reeking of gin and brandishing an automatic weapon he purchased from a girl scout through the gun show loophole. 'GIT AWAY FROM MAH OIL!" he screamed and cut poor Larry down like a swath of old growth forest. Now, all I ask is that Bush come out of his little "garden" and explain why my son had to die. And legalize marijuana. Until he does so, I'll continue to sit here at Camp Larry and be a thorn in his side."

"But you met with the manager of Bush Garden today, did you not?" the snotty reporter pressed.

"Yes, he came out here to tell me to 'get lost'!" Mom snapped. "Well, Mr. Scru Yu - if that is your real name - I am already lost. I'm lost without my best friend, Larry, who you took from me with your carefully pre-planned, reckless rush to war. Click here for more information. Besides, he never once spoke Larry's name, and he kept referring to me as "You crazy old bat". Then when I tried to show him some photos of Larry at Nudestock last year, he became violently ill.

"Well I won't be brushed aside again. I have some questions for you, Mr. Yu. Hard questions, printed directly from the moveon.org website. They are questions to which I will only accept honest answers - also printed from the moveon.org website. Any attempt to improvise on your part will be met with a resounding "LIAR" from myself and the nine hundred other members of Camp Larry who will be there to comfort me, just in case an old memory of my sweet Larry should rise to the surface and cause me to melodramatically swoon with grief right when you're talking. Your imperialist acts of aggression may frighten innocent third world leaders, click here for more, but you'll find that this Mom isn't impressed by your lunch menu - let alone your arrogant quest for global hegemony."

I winced as she pronounced it "Heggy-moany". Mom is a product of the 60's anti-war movement, when standing up for world peace was as simple as hocking a wad of loogie on someone in uniform, dropping a couple hits of acid, then having sex with a complete stranger in the back of a VW van. Times are different now, and bringing an end to Bush's Vietnam requires a little more subtlety. To thwart any criticism from right-wing jingoists, one must first establish an air of moral authority by wrapping oneself in an inpenetratable cloak of victimhood. There's nothing like a dead loved one or an incurable disease to silence your opposition. While Mom's efforts were clumsy at best, she was starting to get the hang of it.

"Ms. Chomstein," the reporter continued, "your critics say that there are no records that your son, Mr. Lawrence Chomstein, was ever in the armed forces. In fact, some suggest that he is not only alive, but you shared a dinner with him at this very restaurant less than a month ago. What do you say to those who insist that you're merely trying to exploit national sorrow over our fallen heroes for your own twisted anti-American agenda?"

"I'm not a healthy woman, Biff. I'm slightly overweight - some might even say 'morbidly obese'. High blood pressure. Cholesterol's through the roof. I have a wart growing on my ass the size of a small child. Last night, I heard a voice whispering "Start the reactor, Quaid! Start the reactor!' Alas, my time on this earth is short. When I finally break on through to the other side, I want to be able to look my Larry in the eye and say that I did everything I could to stop the killing and legalize marijuana. And dammit, I'll stay here at Camp Larry, confined to this wheelchair, clutching this little white cross until the cameras go away or the liqour runs out - whichever comes first!"

I turned off the TV and went to bed. You have to give Mom credit for sticking to her guns, although she hasn't a 14 year-old's chance at the Neverland Ranch of ending the war and getting our troops out of Iraq. If Bush won't listen to Bin Laden, I seriously doubt he's going to listen to her.

Bush's Failed Iran Policy

Poor ol' Dumbya has tried everything to prevent Iran from manufacturing nuclear material - short of actually giving Iran nuclear material. So what's the stinking hold up, Shrub? John Kerry outlined the whole solution to this horrible mess back in the 2004 presidential debates, yet Bush ignored him. Now that the Diplomacy Pooch has been thoroughly screwed, Iran is dangerously close to building a nuclear weapon without our assistance or the loving guidance of France. In fact, chances are that Iran will have 10 to 20 nuclear weapons by the years end.

Can you really blame them, though?

Bush's unilateral aggression towards Iran's neighbors has left the tiny nation little choice but to take steps to defend itself. With a nuclear arsenal, they won't have to worry about U.S. troops goosestepping through Tehran, knocking over priceless statues and mishandling Qurans. Long deprived of a ruling voice in the International Community, a nuclear arsenal can be the ace card that will finally allow Iran to have a say in world affairs. If Bush wasn't so bent on global domination, he'd offer Iran a nuclear olive branch instead of threats and insults. With the thousands of nuclear weapons the U.S. has stockpiled, why not share a few with nations that aren't as fortunate?

As progressive as the idea sounds, our generosity would not come without a price. To insure that Iran's nuclear weapons would not fall into the hands of those who would use them against us, television cameras would be installed on each warhead. Live footage of the weapons would be displayed on the United Nations website 24 hours a day, combined with streaming video of hot Iranian co-eds shaving each others' backs. If any weapons are moved or launched, an alert U.N. could then quickly draft a resolution of condemnation, and provide Iran with updated mailing addresses for the bribes.

By giving Iran all the nukes it wants, we would have the advantage of being able to monitor and regulate the weapons even as they rain down on U.S. cities. President Clinton used a variation on the same theme with North Korea, and to great success. It's a shame that Bush's ego won't allow him to engage the Iranians and begin the Peace Process as Clinton did. In the end, only more innocent seals will lose their homes thanks to Bush's stubborn pride.