Sandra Day O'Goner

Since the ursurper Bush stole the White House, my greatest fear has been that a Supreme Court Justice would keel over or quit, allowing the Shrub to install another right-wing extremist to the bench. However, I received the news of Sandra Day O'Connor's retirement last week with a mixture of joy and giddy elation. This was, after all, the same shrivelled old trout who appointed Bush to the office. But then my joy quickly gave way to hopeless dread, for I realized that this sweet, dear lady had the wisdom and compassion to protect our sacred abortion rights and uphold Roe v. Wade. Nazi or not, she will truly be missed. Perhaps Bush will choose a moderate replacement, one who will be a uniter, not a divider. Perhaps he'll reach across the aisle and appoint a more progressive justice, someone with the political clarity of Ward Churchill and the libido of Bob Crane. Maybe O'Connor's retirement wasn't so bad after all.

I was just about to violently stab myself in the neck with a pencil when a flurry of color flashed by my office window, followed by a sickening wet THUD. A few moments later, it happened again.

What the...? Oh my Goddess! I wheezed with sudden realization. Not again!

I dropped my pencil and dashed to the roof, just in time to see Amberynthica, my personal assistant and Goth Chick Extraordinaire, about to do a swan dive of the ledge.

"Don't do it, Amber!" I pleaded. "You have your whole life ahead of you, yadda yadda yadda!"

"Don't try to talk me out of it, Professym!" she cried. "I'm not one of your naive students! You and I both know that Bush will appoint a right-wing extremist to replace Dr. Joyce Brothers, someone who will interpret the Constitution literally rather than figuratively. Abortion will be abolished! EuthANAsia will be banned! Sexual Deviancy will be outlawed! It's the end of everything the Democrat Party stands for!"

She was right. While Bush had been making polite overtures to the Senate, accepting suggestions and ideas for O'Connor's replacement, it was all a put on. The Democrats had graciously offered to form a non-partisan committee of Democrat senators to provide the peeResident of a list of Democrat candidates, but he rudely turned them down. The chances of the Shrub allowing a progressive or even a moderate on the bench were about as good as a mentally challenged rapper coming up with a rhyme for "Xavier Cugat". Alas, all hope was lost.

But I couldn't let her do it. At least, not this way.

"Amber, you can't jump of this building and kill yourself," I told her.

"I can't?" she sobbed. The rivers of mascara running down her ghostly pale cheeks made her look like a demented panda. "Why not?"

"Because it's a one-story building surrounded by grass. The worst you'll do is break a leg."

She peered over the edge of the roof and winced at the grisly sight of the entire Human Relations department at Seattle Hemp Products sprawled on the lawn, moaning in agony, their legs twisted into gruesome positions.

I offered Amber my hand. "Come on, let's go inside. I'll fix you a nice, hot cup of Chai in the Yoga room. After a couple ginseng colonics and some tantric sex, you'll feel like a new grrrl. Then, if you still want to commit Death with Dignity, I'll help you do it the right way - by slow starvation. Whaddya say?"

She hesitated for a moment, her mismatched blue and pink eyes gazing into mine, and then slowly put her spindly little rat fingers into my hand.

Crisis averted. But I fear that if Renquist calls it quits, this place is going to turn into Jonestown. Minus the all fun socialist utopia stuff.

Comments

[aelfheld]

Euthasia will be banned!

Who in tarnation is Euthasia, and why would she be banned?

[aelfheld]

It's the end of everything the Democrat [sic] Party stands for!

BTW, am I the only one who's noticed that the Democratic Party only seems to stand for things you have to lie down, kneel, or bend over for?

[Hankmeister]

Why can't a moderate like Ted Kennedy be nominated by Shrubya to be on the court?

[StateOfJefferson]

Scarier, Shrub could appoint someone who will not only uphold the KKKonservative perversion of the ruling alllowing towns to take property, but allow evil drug companies to experiment on the residents of small New England towns.

[nk]

You know, if you were hanging out with some wholesome, red-cheeked, "meat-on-their bones", mid-western girls instead of those bi-coastal anorexics you write about, you might think twice about this liberalism thing you support.

[bahabuddha™]

dude.. goth chickz are fat

[Bubblehead]

Dude -- That should be "phat", as in:
Liberal Larry want a rhyme for Xavier Cugat;
I oughta tell him "get outside and save yer boo, phat"
(For the culturally-repressed, "boo" is "slang" for "significant other"; probably derived from the term "Bootie Call".)

[Jeremy]

Lyberal Larry, are you doing the tantric sex and the gingseng colonics at once??

Maybe you can invite your friend, Jerry in Marketing to make it a threesome!

http://blamebush.typepad.com/blamebush/2005/04/the_grinch_that.html

[Mumblix Grumph]

Why should I care about Youth In Asia? Are they fascists like the Boy Scouts? Maybe they SHOULD be banned!

[Jeremy]

Lyberal Larry, are you doing the tantric sex and the gingseng colonics at once??

Maybe you can invite your friend, Jerry in Marketing to make it a threesome!

http://blamebush.typepad.com/blamebush/2005/04/the_grinch_that.html

[Ry]

O'Conner was a national treasure. She will be missed.

What we want now is a wymyn who will fulfill O'Conner's legacy, and this will require us to look beyond judges who are "left" or "right."

Instead of asking whether Bush's appointees are "conservative" or "liberal," we need to ask the REAL question: "Is this appointee utterly void anything even mildly resembling a comprehensible judicial philosophy?"

Only those justices who says "yes" to this question can even be considered as worthy heirs to the Throne of O'Conner.

[camojack]

One down, how many more to go?

[Son of the South (c)]

Youth in Asia would be a great name for a band . . .

[Hankmeister]

Instead of asking whether Bush's appointees are "conservative" or "liberal," we need to ask the REAL question: "Is this appointee utterly void anything even mildly resembling a comprehensible judicial philosophy?" - Ry

Progressyve Ry is on to something...and I think, no feel, any future nominees should at least be worshippers of Gaia, too, to balance out the other eight right-wing KKKhristians on the court.

[DULL]

What's wrong with you, you nut!? Can't you see your own logical fallacies in your article?!

Why do I even waste my time on you liberal idiots I don't know, its not like you ever hear anything besides your own whining!

*EXPLODES*

[spd rdr]

Demented Panda opened for Youth in Asia at the Lollapaloozza show in Akron last year. They sucked.

[Hankmeister]

Is DULL exercising double whammy sarcasm or is he/she/it serious?

Either way, as a progressyve, I'll take it as a compliment.

Thank you, DULL.

[cr'q't]

Who is helping the employees at Seattle Hemp? How long have they lain there, twisted and contorted in agony because there is no affordable health care?

[Bu$hCausedMyGout]

I totally feel your assistant's pain. I told everyone at a Moveon.org party I was at last weekend that I intend to threaten to move to Canadia, (but I won't actually do it, of course.) I expecially made a point of telling that Washington Post reporter who was there. I got right in her face and I go, "I'm moving to Canadia and what is Bu$h going to do about it? Let his hole country move to Canadia? You tell your buddy Bu$hy-boy the next time you see him at the next White House Press thingy that we're leaving unless he apoints someone WE want!" I'm seriously thinking of getting some people together with signs - so we can stand on a street corner and express our feelings about it. I know that will cause the world to wake up and Bu$Hitler will be forced to pay attention to us.

[al-Bundy Martyr Brigades]

After two hundred years of infidels on the Supreme Court, we believers in the Religion of Psychosis ...er...make that, "Peace"... DEMAND a member of the umma as the next Supreme Court Justice, so America can return to sharia.

How many more Muslim men must be martyred before our demands our met? 'Cause that's how many we've got!

We hereby nominate a man of great vision, Sheik Omar Abdel Rahman!

Allahu Ahkbar! (ululating...)

[flave-a-flave]

Hey..next time you make fun of mentally challenged rappers, think a litte bit about who is reading your blog. You Raciest bitch!

Xavier Cugat rhymes with the white mans chewy nugat.

You people fill me with anger.

[RWing Nut]

It's esential that Bu$h appoint someone who recognizes how important the judiciary is to advancing the progyssve agenda. Otherwise, we are faced with the prospect of trying to persuade the Red-state morons in an election instead of simply bringing a lawsuit to get what we want; how unDemocrat is that!

[gavin spore]

please stab yourself and do us all a favor

[Hankmeister]

The unbiased media just reported that Shrubya was encouraged by progressyve Senators to think (if the Chimp can actually think) about appointing someone who is not so caught up in the judicial culture.

I think that's a really good idea because it could open a door for some centrist like George Soros to be nominated to replace the right-wing extremist O'Connor.

Now is this speaking truth to power or what?

[Michael]

"Demented Panda" would be a good name for a rock band.