Attack of the Memes

I despise memes. Everyone gets them, everyone hates them, but no one has the guts to break the chain. Two notorious neocons thought it would be cute to curse me with a meme, and unless I pass them on I will probably get dragged off to Abu Ghraib with the Dixie Chicks and Bill Maher.

The first comes from KJ at No Government Cheese, who was tagged by our old friend Pile On and decided to share the misery. Thanks a bunch, Kim.

The concept is simple enough. You start with the phrase "Turd in a punchbowl", add a clever phrase of your own, followed by "Turd in a Punchbowl" again, and then conclude with a line that rhymes with your first. The end result should sound something like a cross between a Bukowski poem and a Mad Lib. You must complete two whole stanzas and pass it on to three other suckers before the curse is lifted. Here's what I came up with:

Turd in a punchbowl,
Bush stole the election,
Turd in a punchbowl,
pee-Resident by SE-lection.

Turd in a punchbowl,
laid by Halliburton,
Turd in a punchbowl,
Our democracy is hurtin'.

Moving right along...I'm passing the turd to three beautiful ladies whom I love and adore...Arianna Huffington, Goosesteppin' Dana, and Oliver Willis.

The second annoying meme comes from...why, if it isn't Goosesteppin' Dana over at Note-It posts!

Yup, Goosesteppin' Dana stuck me with the second meme a couple of weeks ago. I had hoped that through carefully calculated procrastination, I could put it off long enough to be hit by a bus and spared having to respond. Unfortunately, I'm still here, and Dana is threatening me with legal action unless I complete the chain.

The object is to take the list of statements, conclude at least five of them, and then pass them on to three other unsuspecting saps.

For instance, one of Dana's entries was:

"If I could be a lawyer…I’d sue the pants off of whiny, liberal, Wal-Mart obstructionists. Then cackle in glee as they all fled into the store to buy new pants."

She's a right-wing fascist, but she's as cute as a button.

So here's the list with my answers:

If I could be a scientist…I find some way to convince Bush that unless he ratifies Kyoto immediately, Marshall, Will, and Holly will be sucked through a time vortex to a mysterious land ruled by an advanced race of reptilian Starbucks baristas.
If I could be a farmer…the narcs would probably burn my crop of glaucoma medicine again.
If I could be a musician…I'd be ashamed that George Bush was from Texas.
If I could be a doctor…I'd provide inexpensive pharmaceuticals to the needy. I mean, more so than I do now.
If I could be a painter…there'd be neither black nor white paint on my palette. Just several inoffensive shades of gray.
If I could be a gardener...I'd move my crop of glaucoma medicine into the basement where the narcs couldn't find it.
If I could be a missionary…I'd give small pox to the indigenous peoples, just to stay in character.
If I could be a chef, I'd drop to my knees and beg forgiveness for 2000 years of white chef hegemony.
If I could be an architect…and you were my lady, would you marry me anyway? Would you have my baby?
If I could be a linguist…I'd write a series of pamphlets on the evils of capitalism and sell them on amazon.com for twenty bucks a pop.
If I could be a psychologist...I'd stop wasting my time on the families of 9/11 victims and devote my life to healing the emotional wounds of former Abu Ghraib prisoners.
If I could be a librarian…I'd remove all the books from the shelves so the homeless would have a place to put their empty malt liquor bottles while they are napping.
If I could be an athlete…I'd break my neck jumping through hoops to free Mumia.
If I could be a lawyer…I'd sue the hoop manufacturer.
If I could be an innkeeper...I'd make the evangelical religious nuts sleep in the garage.
If I could be a professor…I'd draw Binky off the back of a matchbook and get tenure at the University of Colorado.
If I could be a writer…I'd write a book about a girl and her pet goat, so Bush has something to read the next time Karl Rove flies planes into our buildings.
If I could be a llama-rider, some sunuva bitch would die.
If I could be a bonnie pirate…I'd find a more gender-neutral profession.
If I could be an astronaut…I'd concentrate more on the problems we have right here at home, rather than waste time and money exploring the cold, vacuum of outer space where there's no property to tax nor rich people to bleed.

Ah, what fun.

I'll be passing this one off to three swell guys: Dean04Prez (in the name of all things decent and holy, give the man some traffic, folks!), Bubblehead, and Rosie O'Donnell.

Now that I have purged the last vestiges of memes from my draft folder, I say unto thee: Don't send me any more!

Comments

[CKCat]

I can assure Abu, my shoes are NOT on my feet!

I tell ya what! Send ME the money you'd normally pay your shrink (slang for psychiatrist/psychotherapist type) and send it to me. I can answer that question without a degree or license! It's simple, really. We disagree on desserts because I'm more cultured than you and have discriminating...no!..impeccable taste in comparison to you.

You're welcome, that'll be $75.

BTW..would you happen to be serving asparagus at your restaurant anytime soon. I'm really, REALLY craving it. Perhaps I need to "detox", or I'm a little low on iron. I know I'm getting plenty of A, B & C vitamins, folic acid---which asparagus has ALL of them and then some. It's LOADED w/nutrients.]

I wonder if the POTUS eats asparagus.(~;) I know his daddy HATES broccoli. He probably had it overcooked...BLEECCGGGHH! No wonder.

[Che Guevarito]

Well, he is the Pee-resident. Asparagus just makes the "pee" part that much more obvious.

[Friend of USA]

Culture ; cultivation of microorganisms.

Yeah I suppose you ARE more "cultured" than I am !

You know there are over the counter creams for that now...

[CKCat]

har har har, abu FOUSA! I knew someone would jump on that "culture" comment. You didn't disappoint, and of course neither did Che bringing up the Pee of AsPEEaragus----which I "knew" would be mentioned too. Ya corndogs!

Do you eat yogurt? No?
Then I"m even yet more actively "cultured" than you. You could use some friendly bacteria, dude. You'll need it if you expect to succeed w/ your restaurant.

Now get your ACidopholous in gear and get yourself some culture! Just picture millions of smiley faces in your belly. heh! [but spare me the details of the digestive processes, OK?(~;) I KNOW how you, *pointing to Larry's mindless minions* ...and you..and you over there and you...and that guy there.....and you....are.]

[Friend of USA]

When I eat asparagus - wich, by the way I love to eat with thin sliced smoked black forest ham and a cheese sauce - my pee smells like ammonia.

[JannyMae]

Funny that this thread has morphed into a discussion about vegetables! Mr. Progressistud doesn't like to eat asparagus. Not because he doesn't like it, but because of the smell a few hours later. Silly boy. I love it grilled after marinating in olive oil *always extra virgin* and vinegar, or balsamic vinaigrette dressing. Very difficult to grill it to JUST the right degree of doneness, though...Nope, not done yet...oops, too done!

[CKCat]

Thanks for sharing, Abu!! Sheesh~! We call that T.M.I. (too much information). (~;)

Perhaps if I go watch a Veggie Tales vid, it'll satisfy my asparagus craving. (~;)

Your preferred prep of the veg sounds YUM, Janny Mae.
As for the pee P.U.! Asparagus has about 6 sulphur compounds (sulphur puts the stink in eggs, garlic, skunk smell etc--proving God does indeed have a sense of humor.hehehe). Evidently the stink factor..culprit is " a metabolite called methanethiol"

Of course, why let that deter you from eating such a yum AND healthy veggie? It's not like someone locks ya in the loo, forcing you to stay in the eau de 'sparagus air!

DOH! I just realized that I have a jar of pickled asparagus that I bought when a regular grocery store was closing out a bunch of health food store type of items. I saved me a couple hundred bucks on that little special I happened to walk in on! (~;). I suppose it wouldn't hurt to open it even with my going outta town for a few days. Heck, it's pickled ...aka: forever preserved---but still not as well as a Twinkie. The Twinkies you consume today were baked in 1769. muhahahahaha! (I didn't use caps cuz I myself know it wasn't that funny!)

Gotta go get my car outta the shop!...and work and work and work some mo...inbetween procrastinating..........

[stoorat]

Just picture millions of smiley faces in your belly.

A new slogan for anti-choice proponents everywhere! Bravo!

[Friend of USA]

I clicked on CKCat's name and the first thing I see is this headline at relevant magazine ;

"FDA to ban gay sperm donors"

If they can't reproduce, will we have to put them on the endangered species list?...

On the bright side ( for the gays ) , there will be more to felch ! More happy faces in the belly...

[CKCat]

"A new slogan for anti-choice proponents everywhere! Bravo!"

Are you intimating that I was implying imminent implementation of new terminology that would essentially threaten reproducive rights by subtley giving a fetus (offspring) an increased worth, in the imaginings of womyn or myn, by identifying such tissue mass as having the immense worth of friendly BACTERIA???? How DARE you!

We have no right interfering with the growth and flourishing of our health enhancing, life sustaining friendly bacteria by invasive, biotic destroying anti biotics.

Where as the use of scissors and a vacuum, along with other procedures, should not be interfered with, as they prevent dangerous tissue from growing in a womyns body. After all, Gaia bless their poor misunderstood hearts, Scott Peterson, Saddam Hussein, Uday & Qusay, al ZarQawi, Jeffrey Dahmer, Charles Manson--- were all, at one time or another, someones fetus!

[stoorat]

Slippery slope, my dear, slippery slope. First we fight for the rights of bacteria, next thing you know the repugs will be using that precedent to slip in some anti-choice legislation.

No, the only safe position to take is that of total eradication of all foreign lifeforms within the body, preferably through the application of massive amounts of tetrahydrocannabinol, either inhaled or ingested. We could line everyone up and force them to enter large, hermetically sealed rooms (we'll call them gas chambers--that would certainly make the Hitleresque rethugs fight for a place in line) with an attached carb and ventilation system, and pump the thing full of ganga smoke.

[David]

No more memes? Well, after you churlishly neglected observing the Blogmothers Day™ meme by sending a Blogmothers Day™ eCard to your Blogmother, I guess now you'll assiduously avoid observing (and promoting) the Blogfathers Day™ meme, as well?

Hmmph!

Ingrate!

[Steve]

Sexism is, is not a problem in society