New Pope Still Alive

Hours after being chosen, the newly elected Pope Benedict XVI remains alive and healthy, shattering hopes that the 78-year old pontiff would serve a short, transitional reign. Pilgrims are already starting to slowly filter out of St. Peter's Square, and Vatican gift shops have reported a 13% decline in the sale of souvenir Pope hats. The Catholic church must be kicking itself that it didn't embrace the concept of Death with Dignity when it had the chance. Now, they will have to sit by helplessly as Pope Benny lingers on for another 20 years, angering many German Catholics who consider his hardline, pro-Catholic views divisive and antiquated, and fear his conservative stance against sodomy will alienate their French allies.

As a Cardinal, Pope Benny was no stranger to controversy, often criticizing Catholic priests who opened their doors to practicing wiccans and goat worshippers. A strict disciplinarian, he also sparred openly with German cardinals who actually WERE practicing wiccans and goat worshippers, punishing one by squeezing his head in a vice until his eye popped out.

His polarizing adherence to traditional Catholic dogma gives cardinals ample reason to pray that the new Pope will croak expeditiously. However, as of 1:30 PM Pacific Standard Time, the pontiff has failed to assume room temperature. Hopefully, the right-wing fascist philosophy he nurtured in his years as a Hitler Youth will encourage moderate U.S. Catholics to leave the church, have abortions, and vote democrat.

Comments

[JannyMae]

Is Susan Sontag still dead?

[camojack]

Give it a bit more time, it'll happen...to all of us.

[Red Loser]

From Yahoo! News:

"On Monday, Ratzinger, who was the powerful dean of the College of Cardinals, used his homily at the Mass dedicated to electing the next pope to warn the faithful about tendencies that he considered dangers to the faith: sects, ideologies like Marxism, liberalism, atheism, agnosticism and relativism — the ideology that there are no absolute truths."

Reading this string of fascist propaganda was like having a stake driven through my heart. The new sElected pope has declared war on everything that I hold dear! I think I will spend the rest of my evening wallowing in my sorrows as I down twinkie after twinkie.

[Che Guevarito]

I hear you R.L. I'm heading down to Our Lady of the Reichary right now. I plan to join the church, just so I can leave in indignant protest!

[sorecarphagus]

I didn’t hear yet. Is the new Pope from the pro or the anti pedophilia wing of the College of Cardinals?

[Brutha]

"angering many German Catholics who consider his hardline, pro-Catholic views divisive and antiquated, and fear his conservative stance against sodomy will alienate their French allies"

Great stuff, Larry

The new Pope, as a 17 year old, was detached to an anti-aircraft gunners' unit for a while before deserting and surrendering to the American forces.

A Nazi if we ever saw one!!!

[Liberal Larry]

Now we know why George Bush deserted...he wanted to be Pope!

[BobTheBuilder]

KKKarl Rove’s eeeevil master plan is coming together!

BushChimpHitler has finally TAKEN control of the 2000 year old pedophile gay men’s club! The new Caesar is a Hitler Youth! An undercover foolower of the Rethuglican Neo-Nazi Rovian-fascist regime!

Soon we’ll see the start of the NEW inquisition! With the new Poope in the lead as the Chimpster’s intimidating "Enforcer", and charged with punishing liberal thinkers. The Chimp will now be free to drag civilization back to his idea of “enlightenment” ... the Middle Ages.

KKKarl Rove's evil plans will lead to the Chimp's final solution as the Poope leads an army of effeminate men, (in swishing robes and souvenir Poope hats) brutally stamping out dissent, and curbing the "wild excesses" of progressivism. Burning everyone at the stake who dares to demonstrate tolerance, open-mindedness, Worship of Gaia Earth Mother, support of Womyns rights, or for simply being a compassionate caregiver erring on the side of Death with Dignity!

The Professym warned us!!! Soon Santa Claus will be burning heretics on YOUR FRONT STEPS!!!

I’m going to hide under the kitchen sink till it’s over. Lucky for me I just purchased a fresh supply of cleaning products at the Piggly Wiggly!

[Pope Kool-Aid Drinker I]

I'm so upset about this that I've decided to leave the Roman Fascist Church and start my own.

The Most Holy Polyunsaturated Church of the Brethren and Cistern of the Rocking-'n'-Rolling Jesus Christ, Savior of all That Is Good and Groovy, is now accepting new members. To join, please pass the bong. Those wishing to be made bishop, donate some good stuff to the bowl.

[Pol Pothead]

Like, this is soooo uncool, dude. The new head of the KKKatholikkk KKKhurkkkh has, like, no sense of nuance. He, like, totally sees everything in terms of absolutes and sh*t. How medieval and bogus. Everybody who's been to Public Skool knows there is, like, no 'good' and 'bad' in the world, everything is a matter of perception (especially after a bong full of mixed Tampico ditch weed, East Tennessee trailer-park meth, and Lucky Charms). Like, the very IDEA of moral absolutes -- of the existence of 'badness' -- is just completely, irredeemably, unmitigatedly EVIL and sh*t.

Ratzinger. I hate ALL his kind. They're, like, all intolerant and they always generalize about people.

[aelfheld]

[...] fear his conservative stance against sodomy will alienate their French allies.

Don't get your frilly underthings in a twist; I'm sure the French will be more than happy to continue sodomising the Germans, Papal dispensation or no.

[CKCat]

"he also sparred openly with German cardinals'

What a cop-out wuss. He doesn't have the guts to take on German Shepherd Shepherds, only German Cardinal Shepherds. Yeah, real tough guy. The puritanical facist probably pulls the feathers out of those poor little birds to spite St. Francis of Assisi---[the inventor of the trolley car, founder of the San Fransiscan order and lead veterinarian of the Dr. Dolittle Diocese]----because Benny-D ASSumed the name "Assisi"--- meant the adored Saint was a little "light in the liturgical loafers".

The Popeage is no place for a [faux] Mister Nice Gaia nor gay gaias.!

[urthshu]

AHA!!! A Nazi Inquisitor-!!!

Now all those little Eichmanns have a Papa Eichmann!

[Cricket]

Bush's Role Model has been elected. I wonder if even now, they are raising a Lager to the BusHitler Third Reich. I smell a conspiracy. Or cleaning products from Seventh Generation.

[Friend of USA]

I don't know how you people can waste time talking about the pope when there is a RAGING battle

- A WAR -

for ratings going on between Katie Couric and Diane Sawyer.

[howie]

Pol Pothead. I hear ya. I just smoked up a lot of weed a smorning but it was for sciencience. I found out how you make the white smoke adn the blac smoke. But I got real messed up too.

[Cricket]

A ratings war? You interrupted some of the best snark on the web for that? And what kind of a choice is *perky* over -substance-? I suggest we bong on it.
White smoke Diane wins, black smoke Katie wins. Ya can't have it all.

[Vishnu Troll Daddy Earth Goddess]

He's still alive? Can we remove his feeding tube?

[brainsample]

Howie, I think if it's black, you've exhaled too soon and have wasted most of the important nutrients.

I'll do my own investigation and get back to you in a couple of days... or weeks.

[bluestateredneck]

I bought the first bar of pope on a rope in Vatican square. Bending over to grab your soap is not encouraged with a flock of cardinals around, if you get my drift. They also had a lazarus doll that rose from the dead, however batteries were not included. Does anyone know if they disenfranchised the gook,nig-nog and pepper belly cardinals by not counting pregnant or hanging chads?

[Friend of USA]

Cricket,

Sorry for the interuption, but there are rumours Katie and Diane will soon be both defeated by a new morning show;

" Breakfast with Benedict - live from Vatican! "

Their first guests , if all goes well, will be John Bolton and Koffi Annan in a mud fight.

David Letterman will occasionaly be co-hosting when Pamela Anderson has her silicon implants replaced every 200 one-night-stands or every 2 months , wich ever come first.

Also every wednesday , there will be live exorcism sessions and on fridays , miracles will be performed on unsuspecting audience members.

There are also rumors Michael Moore will ask, down on his knees, to be forgiven - all this live, mind you - for all those lies he fabricated to make Fahrenheit 9/11.( he will be adressing his GLUTTONY on another show apparantly...)

( if any of that makes sense to you then you probably have a headache as bad as the one I have right now...)

[Moonbatallion Agent]

Wake up, sheeple!!

Pope Benedict the XVI, the 266th pope.

How many 6's there, huh? [including the one cleverly disguised in Romanese]

Coincidence???

[Che Guevarito]

I heard from a reliable source that the Vatican has big TV plans in the future. (Everyone else does it, why shouldn't I?)

[Friend of USA]

Che,

I swear I did not know about your "source".

My source leaves me messages as letters in the sand - but in reality they are letters in the cat litter box( with the occasional turd used as an "i" )

Since there are now 3 cats in here ( My girlfriend moved in with her two cats ), I don't even know wich one is the messenger.
But I suspect the grey female of russian descent...

And like the self destructing audio tape in
" mission impossible ", cat pee makes the cat litter box messages vanish quite rapidly.

[Friend of USA]

And in my defense ;

I live in a different time zone , there is a 3 hour difference , my clock right now says 5:44

( there once was a twinkie defense , why can't there be a time zone defense ?)