Lessons for Liberal Bloggers

I loathe the term "blogosphere". It's too cold and impersonal. I prefer to think of this thing of ours as an "electronic village", where people with similar interests come together to share ideas. Since it takes a village to raise a child, we must act as a community to nurture and protect all the newly hatched liberal bloggers from the harsh realities of this right-wing dominated blogosphere. Therefore, I will sporadically and at completely random intervals impart some of the golden boogers of wisdom I've accumulated over the past three years. Hopefully, I will provide a valuable resource, an internet safe-zone where progressives can find the tools they need to defeat any ignorant repugs who creep into their blogs and spam their comment boards with snide remarks.

Lesson #1: The Hitler Mustache

Being a liberal blogger requires not only the regular inhalation of vast amounts of household cleansers, but strict diligence in constantly reminding the mindless sheeple of the insidious evil of the Bush junta. As a rule, it's good practice to compare Bush to Hitler at least once a week. But if you're like me, you have little patience for dimwitted repugs who refuse to acknowledge the obvious. Even adding "itler" to the end of his name fails to convince them. Often, they'll actually demand you present "facts" to back up your claims - a typical right-wing tactic to lower the debate to their level. That's why it's important to arm yourself against the infuriating ignorance of your average conservative blog troll.

One of the most powerful weapons in a liberal blogger's arsenal is the dreaded Hitler mustache. When scrawled upon the visage of a political adversary, it surpasses even the devil horns and goatee as a means of transforming him into Satan incarnate. Why waste time trying to form a coherent argument when a simple black smudge will say all that needs to be said?

Take the late, great George Gobel, for instance. By looking at him, one would never imagine that this mild-mannered, soft-spoken comedian was personally responsible for the systematic extermination of over six million innocents. But give him a little Hitler mustache, and voila! I'll be a dirty bird if Lonesome George isn't Der Fuhrer himself! Add a swastika armband and superimpose him on a Nazi flag, and even the staunchest conservative will be unable to deny the truth: Lonsumfuhrer George Göbels was a Nazi Stooge.

The beauty of the whole thing is that there's absolutely no way to respond to it. What are they going to say? "He's NOT Hitler"? Well I'm sorry, cowboy, but I have photographic evidence right here that says he IS.

Still, conservatives are as predictible as they are ignorant, and will typically claim that the photos are fakes - as if authenticity has anything to do with accuracy. That's why it's always good to throw them a bone and provide a series of indisputable similarities between the subject and Hitler. For instance, George Gobel was a patriot, and Hitler wrapped himself in patriotism in order to crush dissent. Hitler invaded Poland, and Gobel invaded The Hollywood Squares. George Gobel played the banjo, and so did Hitler. The list goes on and on and on.

When presented with such incontravertible evidence, most cons will give up and crawl off in search of a hate-radio jock to tell them what to think. Still, some will linger, if only to berate you for enlightening them with your wisdom and insight. These dingbat fundies will blindly worship some great big floating God in the sky, but will refuse to accept reality even when it's kicking down their door and dragging them off to gitmo in the dead of night. So that's when I like to bring out the big guns.

SAY HELLO TO MY LEETLE FRIEND!

They can claim that the Hitler photos are doctored, they can even mock your list of comparisons. But no one in their right minds can deny that Bush is indeed Hitler when he's repeatedly photographed performing the Nazi Salute in broad daylight! It's the veritible smoking gun, folks. If the repugs still argue with you after that, you might as well just block their IP address because they're obviously mentally ill and impossible to reason with.

So go get yourself a copy of Adobe Photoshop and start enlightening these cons to the truth. The important thing is to be creative, be progressive, and when in doubt, lapse into feminine hysterics.

Comments

[camojack]

That's it...you've convinced me. ☺

[Jeremy aka the Smartest Liberal]

Larry,

Maybe on your next enlightening column you can right about the little Eichmans of this BusHitler, such as Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, John Ashcroft, Donald Rumsfeld, and TOM DELAY!

[stoorat]

Also, don't forget to inform your opponent at the start of the discussion that you listen to classical music and don't even own a television.

It's vitally important that you establish your superior intellectual credentials from the get-go.

[CKCat]

There shall be showers of boogers:
This is the promise of Lar;
There shall be nuggets progressive,
Sent from Lar's E-tron Village.

Refrain:
Showers of boogers,
Showers of golden boogers:
Sporadic boogers of wisdom,
For golden nuggets we plead.

Larry,
If you sang that hymn to your Religous Rightie RepuGranny, I bet she'd write you back into her will.

Wouldn't the progressive cause progress further if we shared your enlightening golden boogers with the unwashed rethugwikkkans rather than throwing them the bones. I'm afraid I'll confuse the *blogger* boogers with the bones & throw them to the wrong people.

[kajun]

Bolton is obviously another Hitler. Letting his mustache "bush" out and soaking it in a vat of bleach every night, fools nobody! It's just another Delay tactic.

[camojack]

kajun:
So...you like my line about "DeLay tactics", huh? ☺

[Stoney]

Nixon played banjo, too. Remember when he tried to distract us from Watergate with 'Foggy Mountain Breakdown'?

[Beerme]

Is George Gobel the brewer of that fine French lager Goebel's? How does that square with his German ancestry?
I like the Charlie Chaplin mustache much better than Bolton's.

[spd rdr]

Oh my Gaia! THEY GOT TO HIM!

[Hankmeister©]

Sheeple? I prefer the term "cattle" myself when talking about our new global village. Have I told you guys well my tin-foil franchise is doing? All my liberal friends and neighbors are just enamored with the stuff! It really does work, there is now so much peace and tranquility in my life, particularly with the great harmonic convergence coming up.

[Hankmeister©]

Oh, BTW. After reading previous comment threads, I'm convinced now, more than ever, that howie is really a Republican mole! A hex on him for deceiving us in this fashion. I'm not going to sell any more tin-foil to him. No true liberal spells that bad.

[camojack]

Hankmeister©:
Maybe hooey is just being liberal with his spelling?
(As in taking liberties...or is libations?!)

I'm still not convinced he isn't a parody...

[Friend of USA]

From the " indisputable similarities " link , this jumped at me ;

" BOTH HAD REASONS FOR WAR "

According to this logic , having a reason to go to war is pure evil.

OK.

So...Had Bush started a war for NO reason at all,
then all those moonbats would be praising and celebrating similarities between Bush and mother Theresa ?...

If my cat and one of them moonbats were both drowning , I would save my cat first , dry her off , feed her , spend a few minutes at Blame Bush , and then I would try to save the moonbat.

Because my cat's contribution to society dwarfs any moonbat's - easely - and she smells better too.

[JannyMae]

Well, I read this new thread last night, when I was WAY too tired to generate anything in reply. This morning, after having read the comments, I'm again too tired to generate a reply! Then I checked the, "Dean04prez," blog and saw that pic he posted of, "himself," and my coffee almost came back up. I hope this day gets better!

Amen on the cat, Friend of USA!

CKC, you keyed on what struck me in the above thread. The,"golden boogers of wisdom!" Now, that's funny!

[Che Guevarito]

I also find it helps to make up Shakespearian monologues to draw a parallel between Hitler and Bushitler.

To set a gloss on dimwit deeds, hollow neocons,
Recanting goodness, Stealing Ohio, Lo! 'tis known;
But where there be French friendship, there needs none.
Marching his Legions toward oil and infamy,
To perish in thee, nucyular sorrow!

[Che Guevarito]

P.S. I'm not sure what the above quote means, but I sound really smart when I recite it.

Sometimes, when searching for golden boogers of wisdom, you have to go in up to the third knuckle.

[Cricket]

Good Gaia, doesn't anyone realize that George Goebel was in the 3rd Reich? After all, he escaped from his family of Goebbels, broadcasters of propaganda and makers of innocent childish figurines that
were designed by a nun. And now the new pope is from
Germanland. I see a Bushitler conspiracy here.

[Liberal Larry]

Here's a good one on Fraulein Coulter.

http://markadams.blogdrive.com/archive/846.html

[Captainballz]

Has BUllSHitler ever been a tossed around the blogo-village? He's such a Nazi jew Queer.

[Moxiegrrrl]

LL, Could you please tell your Busheep to quit flaming my site. I don't send people over to BlameBush to antagonize you so quit doing it to me. My site is intelligent debate about what is wrong with this country and your little smart ass neo-cons find it humorous to make fun of me.
When Hillary wins in a landslide in 2008 then who will be laughing?

PS: You're not that funny.

[Sasquatch]

Moxie one,
LL doesn't send people over to your site. I have only been there a couple of times myself. We prefer flaming you HERE. More fun. And you call your site 'intelligent debate?' Hm.

At least here we can put the pieces together for you.

[Che Guevarito]

Actually, Larry sent me over there. I know the official position is that BB was never in Moxiegrrrllland, but I was there.

It was Christmas Day, 1999, Nixon was President, and the memories are seared, SEARED into my mind forever. We received reports of a non-incoporated company of moonbats on patrol outside the perimeter of the D.U. I kissed my arsenal of machine guns good-bye, smacked my wife in a time-honored ritual of conservative misogyny, loaded up my extra bibles, and went off to meet the enemy.

"Rush is right!" I shreiked as I broke through her firewall, catching the whiney sinners off guard. "I condemn thee to hell,you feminist, man-hating wench!" I called, casting Kid Bastard into the abyss with the rest of the flaming bastards. He was easy, as I had suspected. Too easy...

I searched through rooms littered with drug addicts reading ACLU propaganda. Blocking a hallway was a gay marriage ceremony. Acting purely on instinct, I tipped ofer a box of shaved gerbils to create a distraction. It worked. "The honeymoon is ruined!" screamed one of the brides. Smirking, I continued on. Sodom and Gommorah, indeed!

The 'Grrrl was about to harvest an unborn fetus for her evil stem-cell research, in a diabolical scheme to raise Christopher Reeve from the dead. I gave my battle cry, "John Birch for President!", as I let loose a flurry of nucyular-tipped ninjamatic crucifixes, all homing in on 'Grrl's heart. They struck true, turning her cardiovascular system into a perforated pile of hamburger. But it was to no effect.

"My heart is already bleeding so much, your puny weapons are ineffective against me! Buwuhuhuhahaha!", the wench laughed.

Time for the nucyular option. I pulled out the envelope and slowly tore it open. Her eyes, usually full of condescending contempt for the unenlightened, registered fear and loathing as my evil new weapon was revealed.

"No! she shreiked, falling into a bewildered trance, "Not a Florida ballot!"

My work here was done. Now demonstrating outward symptoms of being clinically braindead, I knew it was a matter of minutes before her associates pulled out her feeding tube.

[JannyMae]

I only posted on Moxiegrrrl's site a couple of times. I haven't been there recently. I know Larry has made no attempt to, "send me there." Her site is recycled DUh talking points, and NO debate, as she, "reserves the right to delete," anything she doesn't like. There's not much fun there! I couldn't be less interested in posting there. Besides, Liberal Larry is intentionally funny, whereas Moxiegrrrl....

Additionally, I don't believe that Larry has the freedom to tell his readers where they can post...or not. That reeks of that, "fascism," and, "censorship," which the left is constantly accusing the right of engaging in. Just a thought.

[African moonbat]

Moxie Grill,
Liberal Larry IS Funny. He provides us with splendid vignettes which help us in the struggle to ban McDonalds from openening a franchise in Harare (oops too late, still the people over there have to eat)and better than any one else shows us the true evil of the neo con regime in DC. I only went over to your site because of Larry's reccomendation. Its boring, boring I tell yah. I wonder if you, like Howie are a neocon stooge. I still have homoerotic thoughts about Kid Bastard though.

[CKCat]

Tis true, just look at Michael Mooooooo, the whack jobs from Hollywooooooo, DU, and Moxie Grrrrl, too-----Paranoia will destroy ya.
****************************

Have the votes from Ohio come in yet? I just saw Dan Rather on TV, still waiting word and holding out hope against hope for his man, DYKWIA ["do you know who I am"]