Hillary Ready for Swift Boat Liars

In anticipation of the 2006 elections and a possible presidential bid in 2008, Sen. Hillary Clinton is preparing to defend herself against any claims from Swift Boat Liars that she doesn't deserve her seventeen Purple Hearts, or that she never even served in Vietnam.

I notice that the Ministry of Right Wing Propaganda, aka Wikipedia, has already revised history to falsely assert that Hillary spent the Vietnam War at Yale Law School, burning bras and "not inhaling" with her chubby boyfriend. It's just another thinly disguised attempt by the repugs to define democrats according to their twisted terms. We saw it last year, when the very same Swift Boat Liars refused to suckle on John Kerry's heroic teats, and went so far as to insinuate that selling out the entire armed forces with his Winter Solider testimony was a bad thing.

But Hillary's a tiger. She won't roll over and take it meekly like John Kerry did. In a pre-emptive strike against those who would portray her as an anti-military, anti-gun, soft-on-terrorism, left-wing radical, Hillary plans to make several appearances toting an AK-47 and wearing a necklace of Viet Cong ears. Simultaneously, all three major networks will air home video reinactments of Hillary's many exploits in The 'Nam, including a controversial incident where she put the torch to a North Vietname village suspected of harboring "abortionists and queers".

She was awarded the Triple Decker Silver Star with Fluffy Bronze Things for her valor, but it will never silence the screams that haunt her dreams. She was acting on Richard Nixon's orders, but the events of that fateful day have affected Hillary profoundly, giving her a deep insight into the horrors of war that a chickenhawk repuglican would never understand. To this day she is reluctant to discuss the incident, even during confession or on her frequent deer hunting trips with members of her old platoon - who will also be working on Hillary's campaign. Any resemblance to John Kerry's swiftboat buddies is purely coincidental.

Despite her best efforts throw a monkey-wrench into the Right-Wing Attack Machine, Hillary knows there will still be questions concerning her patriotism. She's fully aware that some unscrupulous journalists, probably from Faux News, will use distracting facts and figures to cast a cloud of skepticism over her brave military service. In such circumstances, she's fully prepared to exercise the "nuclear option" of invoking Max Cleland's severed limbs and, if necessary, Rush Limbaugh's anal cysts.

What a fighter, that Hillary! The Marines really screwed the pooch when they rejected H-Rod, let me tell you.

Comments

[JannyMae]

Larry, I'm confused. Are you talking about Hillary, or Jane Fonda?? Someone please pass the bong. I need a nuance filter again!

[CKCat]

I'm just afraid her Presidential bid will go quickly south the minute she's outted for dropping her girlfriend after she found out g/f was dating Bill at the same time that she & Hill were together.

[Ledger]

Before Hillary gives her "Blood and Guts speech" of grabbing them by the nipple and licking them in the crotch, she will have shed that old millstone hung around her neck (it's more like a gallstone). That millstone goes by the Bill and has been a constant source of embarrassment to her.

Luckily, ol' Bill is looking sickly pale and his nose is beginning to sag. His heart is weak and his breath is short. He is going to slip into a coma - one way or another (remember death is beautiful - at least for Vince). Once in coma, Hillary will remember that a few years ago Bill told her if he was every looking deathly pale from heart surgery he would like to "die with dignity." He also said he disliked uncomfortable feeding or ventilation tubes and wished they be yanked out. If Bill lingered for more than a few days due to dehydration he wished to whacked in the head with a hammer until the pain was gone. Further, he would like to be cremated and his ashes dumped on Monica's bed. A fitting tribute to his legacy. Hillary gulped for air when she heard his request, yet, still can remember the exact words. Hillary has determined it's time for Bill to Die with Dignity - whether he likes it or not.

[Bilgeman]

Liberal Larry:

"What a fighter, that Hillary! The Marines really screwed the pooch when they rejected H-Rod, let me tell you."

Somewhere in America, an unknown tattoo artist is on his knees, offering a sincere prayer of thanksgiving.

Or he ought to be...

Regards;

[JannyMae]

CkC, please. Don't tease me like that. Dare I hope? This should counter the Swift Liars nicely

[David Brock's Cabana Boy]

She won't roll over and take it meekly like John Kerry did.

How did you find out about the Media Matters fundraiser/pool party? Kerry didn't think he could take Oliver's girth--he's such a bear. But then Mr. Brock yelled, "Kerry sandwhich!" and cuddly Ollie couldn't be stopped.

[Che Guevarito]

I read somewhere that Hillary's next book will be called, "I Torched a Village and Razed a Child."

It was written specifically as a pre-emptive strike against repugnicans.

[camojack]

CkC, please. Don't tease me like that. Dare I hope? This should counter the Swift Liars nicely
Posted by: JannyMae | April 5, 2005 07:27 AM

JannyMae:
Great link! I'll be spreading it around, thanks. ☺

CKC:
So this is where you've been "hanging around"; you've been missed over @ the 'Face place...

hooey:
You got banned by Mr. Ott?! TOO FUNNY!!!

[Friend of USA]

Janny,

Since you've mentionned Jane Fonda...

" ...The radical actress used her political clout in last year’s election to help John Kerry in his failed bid to win the White House - teaming up with “Vagina Monologues” playwright Eve Ensler to register women as part of their “Vaginas Vote” campaign."
( from Newsmax )

!...?...

So I guess we shouldn't be surprised if next election voting boots are equiped with stirrups ?...

[David Brock's Cabana Boy]

So I guess we shouldn't be surprised if next election voting boots are equiped with stirrups ?

Or how 'bout an Orgasmatron? Or gloryholes?

[Bilgeman]

"teaming up with “Vagina Monologues” playwright Eve Ensler to register women as part of their “Vaginas Vote” campaign."

Let every vagina count...

Regards;

[Liberal Larry]

Camojack, you fascist! Close your damn italics tags!

[JannyMae]

Oh, no, the attack of the Italians again! Oh, ooops, I guess that's italics. Had to put this here, too. Here goes:

Come on Che!
What do you say?

Does Hillary rate,
in two-thousand-eight?

Can she spin,
enough to win?

Will Howie Dean,
Supply the $Green$?

She's really made a mess, you see.
She's got more baggage than you or me.

Can she win it in the house?
With secrets hidden in her blouse?

Can she win it in 0-six?
Maybe with some, "pick up," sticks!

I didn't like her husband Bill,
And I hate her voice, so shrill!
Of her and him, I've had my fill.

I do not like her, no I don't.
I will not vote for her, no I won't!

[OppressedOne]

I felt oppressed by your bold letters.

[Red Loser]

Nice try, Camojack (aka KARL ROVE), but your plot to bring disaster to the comments section is about to fail.

Better luck next time, numbnuts!

[CKCat]

Geez, looks like Lib Larry ran out of estrogen! Bitchy fontist!

Reminds me of the story of Clintons "Reign of Shame", as the unwashed rethugwiKKKans would call it.

William Jefferson had been customarily asked to throw out the first ball at a Yankees game, when all of a sudden Hillary goes flying across home plate. That's when the announcer had to tell him: "Uhm,...We asked you to throw the first Pitch, Mr. President...the first Pitch!"

[JannyMae]

The blonde twins, Jeannie and Jenny, each were given horses on their 16th birthday. They had trouble telling them apart, though, so Jenny thought it would be a good idea to braid her horse's tail. Jeannie thought Jenny's horse looked so nice, she braided its tail, too. Again, they couldn't tell them apart.

So Jenny decided it would be a good idea to put a straw hat on hers. Jeannie thought it looked so good, she put a straw hat on hers, too. Again, they couldn't tell them apart. So Jenny said, "I know, let's measure the horses!" And, sure enough, the black one was two inches taller than the white one!

[JannyMae]

Ummm. What was this thread about, again? Oh, yeah, Hillary. Guantanamo? Help, Cheney!!!! Actually, it might be better than Phoenix in the summertime.

[Ditzy Chick [working my NW corner of the DU]]

Janny Mae,
No doubt you're talking about the Bush twins. RepubliTwit bimbos. Leave it up to those idiot chicks to forego the obvious and not measure those horses from the get go. Duuhhhh.....

[camojack]

Camojack, you fascist! Close your damn italics tags!
Posted by: Liberal Larry | April 5, 2005 02:26 PM

Sorry, boss! I didn't realize I hadn't...

I felt oppressed by your bold letters.
Posted by: OppressedOne | April 5, 2005 09:56 PM

BUT THEY WEREN'T DIRECTED AT YOU!!!
(Unlike these...OOPS)

Nice try, Camojack (aka KARL ROVE), but your plot to bring disaster to the comments section is about to fail.
Better luck next time, numbnuts!
Posted by: Red Loser | April 5, 2005 03:17 PM

Loser...my nuts are not numb, thank you very much. My skull though, well, that may be a different matter entirely...

Geez, looks like Lib Larry ran out of estrogen! Bitchy fontist!
Posted by: CKCat | April 5, 2005 10:38 PM

Fontist, CKC? Too funny!

[Cricket]

So, when is St. Hillary going to be elected Pope?

[Bilgeman]

Cricket:

"So, when is St. Hillary going to be elected Pope?"

Why would she accept a demotion?

Regards;

[Cricket]

Well, it is an elevation because Her Word would be infallible, she would issue encyclicals of Doctrine like her tome "Village Idiots and Where to Find Them" referring of course to the inbred red staters, not to mention that she would have the bulletproof Mobile and other perks that she doesn't get as a Senator. Ditching Bill to get that job just would not faze her, though she stood by him during Monicagate. Hillary will get elected Pope if she keeps coming across as a moderate, mark my words. Not only that, but the Swiss Guard totally rocks.

[bluestateredneck]

It's tough to find any cong ears these days so hillary will have to settle for a necklace made of pickled pigs feet.