Abu Ghraib; One Year Later

I watched Senator Kennedy's historic speech on C-SPAN yesterday morning in awed silence.

"...A man in dark hood and cape, standing on a cardboard box with electrodes hooked to his body. Naked men simulating lewd acts on each other. Naked civilians being chased by dogs. Rape. Murder. Sexual deviance. Free balloons for the kids. Everyone's invited out to Martha's Vineyard this Saturday for a traditional Kennedy Family weekend. But now, on to more serious business - the one-year anniversary of the horrible atrocities committed at Abu Ghraib."

It took him eleven tries to pronounce "Abu Ghraib". He finally settled on something close to "Abba Bin Babba" and concluded his momentous speech by accidentally knocking his cocktail off the podium and staggering out of the room. I sat there staring at the TV for several moments, moved to tears by his effluvial oratory, before I was suddenly overcome by a wave of panic.

"Occupied Iraq?" "Deepest fall from grace in our history"? Good Goddess, the troops are going to think we're all bunch of slavering, America-hating moonbats! That drunken, yet factually correct imbecile is going to completely blow our cover! We'll never convince the murderous troops to desert now!

I had to do something and quick. I picked up the phone and called all my Support Our Murderous Troops buddies for an emergency meeting at my place. Together, we'd devise a way to repair the damage that Senator Kennedy had wrought and show our murderous troops there were no hard feelings. Several hours of discussion and about 40 bongs hits later, we decided to send a care package to a random murderous troop, along with letters of support and encouragement (although such support and encouragement must in no way be construed as support for Bush or his illegal and immoral war on terror).

This was no easy task. Many of us are still suffering from Post-Wedgie Stress Disorder, thanks to the very same bullying jocks who are now serving in Iraq. Some of our more sensitive members break into high-pitched, feminine shrieking at the mere mention of the troops. But once I had finally shrieked myself hoarse, it was decided that I would write one letter for all of us, and everyone else would sign their name to it provided they could stop trembling with fear long enough to grasp a pen.

After a few rough drafts, I produced a final version that everyone was happy with, one that expressed the love we have for the brave men and womyn fighting overseas, while effectively conveying our patriotic disgust for the job they are doing:

Dear Mindless Drone of the Military-Industrial Complex,

We the members of Support Our Murderous Troops would like to express our thanks for your courageous service, although it must in no way be construed as support for Bush or his illegal and immoral war on terror. Unlike the kneejerk jingoists who think that "patriotism" means slapping a yellow ribbon on the back of their SUV, Support Our Murderous Troops believes that the best way to show support for our murderous troops is to bring them home as quickly as possible, preferably with their tails tucked between their legs.

Today marks the one-year anniversary of the Abu Ghraib attrocities. You're probably already getting ready to torture a few innocents in celebration, but we're not here to judge you. Support Our Murderous Troops fully understands that low pay, the lack of basic armor and equipment, poor training, and general incompetence is a severe strain on your morale. With expressions of artistic freedom frowned upon, and consensual, same-sex relationships strongly discouraged if not expressly forbidden, the Pentagon has essentially denied you the means to relieve the everyday stress of battle. As a result, the primitive, neanderthal beserker bloodlust you developed in basic training has manifested itself into ghastly acts of brutal, inhuman aggression against the innocent Iraqi peoples, jeopardizing our standing in the international community as well as our crediblity with Al Qaeda and the Taliban. This is by no means your fault, but rather symptomatic of failed leadership at the highest level.

NO! It WAS your fault! I know it was you, Mike Jankowski! You're the one who snuck up behind me outside 4th Period English Lit and yanked my underwear all the way up over my head! Don't try to deny it, you fascist bastard! You were a violent, aggressive cro-mag then and you are NOW!!!!!

In conclusion, the members of Support Our Murderous Troops pray in a completely non-proselytizing manner that you come home safe, although this prayer must in no way be construed as support for Bush or his illegal and immoral war on terror.

In the sincerest hopes that we can, in some way, boost your morale and assuage some of the guilt you must be feeling for all your crimes against humanity, we offer the enclosed items as a token of our undying gratitude:

A photo mosaic of Bush made from the faces of your dead buddies.
A signed copy of Jane Fonda's autobiography.
Some rainbow stickers for the back of your humvee.
A transcript of John Kerry's heroic Winter Soldier Testimony.
A G.I. Joe doll with a black hood over its head and electrodes attached to his body in a fashion reminiscent of Jingus Khan.
A photo of Ted Kennedy with his shirt off, in a fashion reminscent of Jabba the Hutt.

In addition, the three young womyn in our group asked to include some very special polaroids to "remind ya'll what you're fightin' for." So enclosed, please find several photographs of an oil derrick in Texas.

Chin up and goddess bless,

Support Our Murderous Troops

P.S. aforementioned "undying gratitude" must in no way be construed as support for Bush or his illegal and immoral war on terror.

We addressed the package to "Any Murderous Troop in Iraq", with the added disclaimer: "This care package must in no way be construed as support for Bush or his illegal and immoral war on terror" written in small print.

Unfortunately, it never made it to Iraq. I dropped the package off at the post office at 3 o'clock yesterday, and at 7 o'clock this morning the Postal Nazis were banging on my door, demanding to know why I was trying to send a half-wrapped bong to someone named "Abba Bin Babba".

DAMN THAT BUSH!

Comments

[camojack]

Should we, like, make it a holiday and sh*t?

[Fascist NeoCon Translator]

"I watched Senator Kennedy's historic speech on C-SPAN....."

Type-o's again?

Did you not watch Senator Jabba Kennedy's hysteric screech on C-SPANdex?

[camojack]

Here's a good article on the subject of Abu Ghraib.

[Mumblix Grumph]

Wow, that Kennedy dude is like totaly hardcore!

I think doing the speech in a "Mayor Quimby" accent was a really cool way to connect with kids.

Has anyone else in his family ever been involved in politics?

[Ledger]

Larry,

You forgot to add "how many more limbs does Max Cleland have to lose before you realize you have chosen to the path in life." Here is a re-mastered letter:

[fist few paragraphs OK. Change the following]

A transcript of John Kerry's heroic Winter Soldier Testimony. A picture of Max Cleland with the notation: How many more limbs does Max Cleland have to lose before you realize you have chosen to the path in life. You are no John Kerry! Run for you lives and abandon ship before it's too late. If John "Courageous" Kerry can't win a war because of fragment wounds to his ass and five purple hearts - how can you even think of beating his heroic combat record. Give up now and bring your war toys home.

[rest of text OK, rewrite and mail with bong and reefer pills]

[sorecarphagus]

The post office sux. Next time just e-mail the package.
This is in no way to be construed as support for anything that makes sense.

[bridge to tomorrow]

I was ROFLMAO when I saw this:

A photo of Ted Kennedy with his shirt off, in a fashion reminscent of Jabba the Hutt.

Until I clicked the link, whereupon I was rolling into the bathroom to vomit.

[Friend of USA]

About Jane Fonda , I saw her on Letterman a few days ago and she was apologetic about what she did in vietnam, but then a few days later I saw her on Canadian TV and she was the exact opposite, she was saying pretty much the same stuff she said during the vietnam war...

Stincky lying bitch!

[Cricket]

Well, FOUSA, she has learned the Kerry Manuever. Flip flop, as there is no defense against it. Now, the Kennedy Manuever is a tad different, as it involves physical action in getting out of Ted Kennedy's car,
house or bed. Not only that, but Jedi mind tricks don't work with him either.

Larry, I laughed so hard I nearly coughed up a lung.
Thanks very much.

[aelfheld]

Who the Hell is Derek, and why should oil him, let alone take a picture?

[StateOfJefferson]

Teddy "Jabba" Kennady?

I thought he was Shamoo Kennady, after all, people in the first three rows are warned that they are "in the splash zone," and advised to bring rain coats and vomit bags.

[Friend of USA]

Cricket ,I find it amusing when some of you call me FOUSA ( as I believe Che was the first to do it )
it makes me sound , I don't know , egyptian maybe ?...

If I weren't a blond hair ( although darker every year, could be because of the chemical residue in the water from Halliburton but more probably because my girlfriend doesn't give enough sex, hey I heard it on Oprah! Me a liar ? that is exactly what my girlfriend said...I'm so misunderstood... ),
blue eyed infidel with skin as white as a blank page ( you would think that 20 hours a day of computer screen radiation would give me a tan...),
and if I hadn't mentioned 374 times I was Canadian,
well OK now, 375 times,
maybe it would not be so funny , well to me anyway.

- - -

Educational vignette;

In french the word crazy is FOU for a male
( FOLLE for a female, just ask Dominique Devillepain... ) so calling me FOUSA makes me sound a bit like I am a crazy man , wich I am a little anyway, at least if I believe what my cat has to say about it...

Fousa... Fousa from Canadakistan, yeah maybe I'll use that,

[Bilgeman]

Leninist Larry:

"A photo of Ted Kennedy with his shirt off, in a fashion reminscent of Jabba the Hutt."

I heard over the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy talk radio network that the last time Teddy went to the beach, a Greenpeace team was scarmbled to try and push him back into the water.

Damn those submarines and their active sonar, not to mention their non-swimming nubile campaign workers. Completely throws marine mammals off course!

Teddy seems to get no end of trouble from man-made underwater objects, huh?

Regards;

[Cricket]

You are a blonde too? I have reddish blonde hair streaked with gray...must be that Scots/Scandinavian
combination...the abbreviation is what I went for.

Don't know what to tell you about the sex thing.

More oysters?

[brainsample]

"Everyone's invited out to Martha's Vineyard this Saturday for a traditional Kennedy Family weekend."

I understand the Kopechnes will be the guests of honor.

Gaiya, the blessed Kennedys are such noble people.

[Friend of USA]

Celebrate Abu Ghraib's first anniversary in style !

Get your own mini Abu Ghraib home kit !

Easy assembly !

Will fit in most basements !

Includes two sets of stainless steel - urine resistant - "sure grip" gonad clips, with 20 foot cord !

High power AC/DC adaptor included !

Machine washable hoods and capes included !

All you need for hours of good clean fun*** !

Only four easy payments of $19.99 !

Instruction video included !

*** Terrorists not included

[JannyMae]

"Free balloons for the kids!" Wow, makes me want to rush right off to the airport!

Looking at that topless photo, which, I just managed to avoid gagging on, I can't help but think of how appropriate the Jabba the Hutt reference is.

The resemblence is uncanny

[CKCat]

PPSSSTTT!! eaM ynnaJ,
Did ya ever get an e from me? The last one I tried w/out an underscore inbetween was never returned to me. I think I figured out the "trap sdrawkcab". I think Teddy K's been trying hard to fix it for me, since Bush's KKKarl rove messed it up to begin with.

I'm totally shocked Teddy didn't make People magazine's 50 sexiest people. The rag must be run by neocondanista republiKKKan hacks!! Not even Helen Thomas was in there!!! No James Carville. No michael Moore. Any more evidence needed about who runs that rag?!?!?!

[Barbara BoxEater]

Dear Losers, Senator Kennedy is the most respected member in congress. You scum bags wouldn't know quality man-meat if it dribbled down your leg.

If I wasn't a full on Dyke I would be showing old Teddy how to play hide the cigar.

Hillary in 2008. Get used to it.

[adam & steve]

tsk... tsk... tsk...

I see even Larry has fallen for the Madison Avenue commercialization of Abu Ghraib day.

[StevieM?]

Support Your Troops!

There's no better way to support someone you care about than to send them to have their head or testicles blown off for a stable fuel supply for your SUV.

oh, and for democracy too. or a reasonable facsimile.

Keep blogging! Your comfort and leisure time is being defended to the utmost in a desert country without roads!

God Bless Hallimerica!

[Bilgeman]

Abu Ghraib Day:

What's wrong with commercializing it?

I see THIS photo:

http://www.rotten.com/library/crime/prison/abu-ghraib/ghraib-pile2-larger.jpg

...and I think "Mattress Sale!".

I also have to applaud the Pentagon's change of stance against homosexual activities.

As this photo seems to indicate, these activities are being actively encouraged now.

Thumbs Up, you boys!

Regards;

[Kim]

I freaking love you man. That is all.

[JannyMae]

Nope, taCKC, never got the email. Mine should be WITH the underscore. I wonder who belongs to the one without the underscore?? You can try me again.

I don't know about your case against People Magazine. Oprah Winfrey is on that list!

[Dominique de Villepain]

Fou-sa,

Je suis d'accord, mais je prefere le mot dingue. Comme, "Dingue, you sure lookin' fine tonite, Sunsara!"