FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST!

This morning, Michael Schiavo's years of suffering at the hands of religious extremists came to an end, and his lifeless, brain-dead, speed bump of a wife was finally allowed to complete her celestial journey. We all share Michael's pain and wish him only the best as he works his way through nursing school. No truer love did this man have for Terri, or for any of the other broads he's banged or is currently banging. Now, at last, the healing can begin.

In lieu of dancing a little jig, I decided to give my right-wing fundie grandmother a jingle to express my heartfelt condolences.

"Lawrence Chomstein?" Gramma wheezed. "The judge says you aren't to call me anymore!"

"Hi, Gramma!" I chirped. "I just heard about the passing of Mrs. Schiavo, the Brain Damaged Florida Woman who was never actually alive to begin with."

"And you called to gloat?"

"Now Gramma! You may think we progressives are a just a bunch of cold-hearted, death-worshipping monsters, but I have cried a river of tears for Mr. Schiavo. This whole country has been terribly divided since Bush stole the election, and I hope that now we've evened the score we can all come together and mend the rift between us."

"What's all that laughing and cheering I hear in the background?" Gramma asked, slapping the olive branch out of my hand.

"Oh, a spontaneous little office shindig, " I said. "In loving memory of Terri."

"They murdered that poor woman!" Gramma snapped.

"Oh?" I replied. "How many people are murdered in Iraq every day?"

"What does that have to do with starving a poor woman to death?" she asked.

"How many people has Bush starved to death with his illegal war for oil?" I volleyed.

"Well, I guess they all Died with Dignity, didn't they?"

Alzheimers. I decided to change the subject.

"How's life at the home, you crazy old bat? Are they treating you good? Is your feeding tube in too tight? Want me to come over and give it a little tug?"

"I'm not in a home, and I don't have a feeding tube!"

"Not yet, anyway." *CLICK*

You try to be civil with these Jesus freaks and they throw it right back in your face.

Comments

[USS Jimmy Carter]

Rest in Peace

[brainsample]

I'm truly saddened by the Schindlers' last efforts to interrupt Michael's grieving process.

How gallant of him to refuse their presence when Terry breathed her last.

In other news, the Washington Post does a marvelous job in exposing the sheer immoral stance of the Catholic Church which takes the position that it is wrong to remove food and water when there is a chance of recovery.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A12077-2005Mar30.html

Obviously a last ditch effort to keep a dead white male in charge of everything.

[Supernatural Rabbit Scribe]

Ding-dong!

[Che Guevarito]

Breaking News: We've Only Just Begun

[Background music during intro: "Ding, Dong, the Witch is Dead"]

Florida is celebrating today. After several years of blatent judicial-electoral abuse, a Florida resident finally went undefeated against conservative activists all the way up to the Supreme Court. Michael Schiavo's triumphant triumph over his brain-dead, estranged wife was finalized Thursday, when his unrelenting neglect caused the rest of her to die.

"The phone hasn't stopped ringing." said a jubilant Schiavo. "We've got book deals, movie deals. Jack Kevorkian keeps calling every five minutes to congratulate us. Felos is trying to get Jimmy Buffett to come sing 'Cheeseburger in Paradise' for the funeral, but I have a date that day, so I'll miss it."

Asked about his plans for the future, Michael stated, "We're planning to take our show on the road. Mary Kate wants us to draw up a plan for her bulimic sister, Ashley. Or is it the other way around? Some guy in Seattle offered me all the hemp underwear I can smoke if I come up there. We missed Johnny Cochran, but there's still Jerry Falwell. We might even go international and work Vatican City."

But Schiavo's celebration was cut short when he was subpoenaed by meddling activists. "Schindler v. Schiavo," read Michael as he learned that he was being sued for Terri's remains. "Schindler, Schindler... Where have I heard that name?"

Attorney Thomas Mesereau was outraged by news of the lawsuit. "How is Michael Jackson supposed to get public sympathy when this woman keeps drawing attention away from our case? There isn't room enough for two media circuses in this country."

And later tonight on "60 Minutes": Street correspondant Dan Rather had uncovered indisputable proof that President Bush spent the Vietnam war in a methadone clinic, where he wiled away the hours biting the heads off kittens and worshiping Satan.

DEVELOPING

[Red Loser]

At the current rate, Larry, you'll have about 500 categories for your articles by the end of the year.

[Cricket]

I am sorry, but I am in tears over this. Larry, you schmuck, I didn't want to laugh, but you hit some nerves and for the first time, I want to thank you for your wit, humor and your blog.

[Malcom X Marx the spot]

I think we found our answer to this so-called Social Security crisis the Man keeps talking about. Between knocking off sick crackas and breeding fat kids, we have nothing to worry about.

[JannyMae]

Yeah Cricket, the irony in Larry's post here, along with, "Che's," latest CBSNews update, helped put me in perspective a bit and I'm now laughing through my sadness.

[Sk]

If I may borrow a phrase from Bu$$hitler:

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!!!!!!!!!

Now on to the Pope!

[Mikey Shitstain Supporter]

Husbands are offing their wives for some extra scratch every in this country. Does ChimpFace care about that?

If he did, maybe he'd pass a law against MURDER. Even if it was unconsititutional.

[Mikey Shitstain Supporter]

Sorry, just checked my notes from class last week (working on my JD), turns out there is technically a law against murder in most states. Not sure about Texas.

Certainly not in Iraq - although I think that's more of a colonial territory, as opposed to a state. Still...

[Mikey Shitstain Supporter]

OK, my bad. Turns that technically murder is illegal in Iraq as well.

Unless of course you're a member of the Occupying Imperial Forces of Amerikkka.

[JannyMae]

Texas does have a law against murder, and the dreaded death penalty, too.

"I'm from Texas and in Texas we have the death penalty and we use it. That's right, if you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back. That's our policy. Right now there's a bill in the Texas legislature that would speed up the execution process of those convicted of a heinous crime with more than three credible witnesses. If more than three people saw you do what you did you don't sit on death row for 15 years Jack, you go straight to the front of the line. Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty. My state's puttin in an express lane."

Ron White- Blue Collar Comedy Tour

[Kool-Aid Drinker]

[pant, pant, pant]

I did it!

[pant, pant, pant]

I escaped from that damn hospice that my domestic partner had me committed to after my last Kool-Aid® binge!

[pant, pant, pant]

What did I miss? How many of our allies has President Kerry convinced to join our effort to bring peace to the world through apologetic diplomacy?

[Mikey Shitstain Supporter]

If more than three people saw you do what you did you don't sit on death row for 15 years Jack, you go straight to the front of the line.

What a bunch of pussies! In Florida you can off somebody with hearsay from three witnesses. Even if one of them gets all your shit when you die.

Now that's justice!

[dude]

Am I the only one who finds this tasteless?

[JannyMae]

Those who find it tasteless don't usually come back. What was that my Grandmother used to say? Oh yeah: "Here's your hat. What's your hurry?" So long, dude!

[Cricket]

Dud,
This is the second time we have seen a post from you, which indicates that you might not be brain dead after
all.

You might have actually gotten that life, and a clue as well. But if you find this so abhorrent, you can leave and don't let the window hit you in your caboose on the way out.

[Cheney W. Halliburton]

Am I the only one who finds this tasteless?

No.

Why, is there something wrong with being tasteless?

[African moonbat]

Welcome back Kool-Aid, you have been sorely missed. We are still in mourning over the fact that Kerry managed to have the election stolen from him by that dumbass Shrub. Our mourning is tempered by our Joy at the common sense and compassion of the Florida courts. What happened to you anyway. While we're on the subject I hav'nt seen Spd rdr for some time and what has happened to Vishnu?

[Red Loser]

As I recall, the last time we saw Vish, he was stoned out of his gourds on an unknown Pacific island.

[Friend of USA]

Talking about the Pacific islands,

The United Nation has a program to help Tsunami victims rebuild their villages, it is called
- and this is not a joke, check ABCnews -

" CASH FOR WORK "

After the " oil for fraud " and the " sex for food " scandals, this one sounds like something Larry would have came up with!

"alzheimers. I decided to change the subject."

oh jesus. my pants are soiled.

[bar cigar las vegas]

An integrated, segregated society is better

[reverse phone book australia]

arranged marriages should be, should not be outlawed