Today, America celebrated the birthday of Jesse Jackson's good friend, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Dr. King marched with Jackson at Selma, and was a prominent figure in the fledgling civil rights movement that ultimately blossomed into the Rainbow/Push Coalition. But while thousands gathered to honor Jackson's pal, very little is truly known about him.
Born Jesse Louis Jackson in a poor household in Greenville, South Carolina, he attended the University of Illinois on a football scholarship and later transferred to North Carolina A&T State University. He attended Chicago Theological Seminary, and later joined the Southern Christian Leadership Conference to help a fumbling Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. get his shit together.
Dr. King was often photographed at Jackson's side, carrying his suitcase or simply gazing up affectionately at him. In return, Jackson served as Cyrano to King's Christian, feeding him all his best rhymes while selflessly taking none of the props for himself. Yet as symbiotic as they were, the two didn't always agree. They had a brief falling out over the famous "I Had a Dream" speech, which Jackson penned and King went through with a Sharpie, crossing out every instance of the word "hymie". But despite their disagreements, their friendship endured the test of time.
In in April of 1968, Jackson was standing on a motel balcony in Memphis, Tennessee when shots rang out. Dr. King dropped Jackson's luggage and fell to the ground, assassinated by a white Republican with ties to Halliburton. He died in Jackson's arms, his last words something to the effect of "Why aren't there any black NASCAR drivers?" He would have been 76 on Saturday.
Yet although Dr. King is gone, some believe his spirit lives on inside Jackson, spontaneously springing forth from the Reverend's annointed cakehole to put his stamp-of-approval on business dealings. The world owes this great man a debt of gratitude. Dr. King, too. For it is because of Rev. Jackson's tireless work that we've come closer to realizing King's dream - his AWESOME dream of having his birthday celebrated with a paid holiday for federal employees at taxpayer's expense, and a street named after him in every ghetto. However, there's still so much more work to do, so many more miles to march until we reach the promised land. And as long as there's still an ounce of blood to be milked from Dr. King's rotting corpse, Rev. Jesse Jackson will not lay his weary head to rest.
If only Dr. King had the time to listen to this-
http://media.ebaumsworld.com/mrbergis-nascar.mp3
I think he could finally understand why there are no black people in NASCAR. (For those who can't access it, the reason is that all red states hate black people).
Posted by: Greg | January 18, 2005 at 01:26 AM
I've been banging my head for a week. I knew that "Man on Fire" did not REALLY star Wesley Snipes. It starred that other guy.
FINALLY, Larry, thank you!
'"Man on Fire," starring Martin Luther King'! Duh!
All my friends were telling me that "Man on Fire" starred Will Smith, but I think they were just confused with the "Blade" Trilogy.
Posted by: Ry | January 18, 2005 at 01:51 AM
you guys are just flaming liberals...so flaming that it has clouded you judgement. bear in mind that it was the Northern Republicans (i.e. Abraham Lincoln, in case you forgot) that freed the slaves and it was the Southern Democrats that formed the Klu Klux Klan.
4 more years!
Posted by: Big Mo | January 18, 2005 at 04:44 AM
I misdoubt that any part of Dr. King could be found in what spouts from Jackson's orifices.
As long as there's a corpse, Jackson will find a way to exploit it.
Posted by: aelfheld | January 18, 2005 at 07:32 AM
I was so confused. Jesse exploits corporations and Michael exploits children. Jesse hides behind dummy corporations to support several women and children, and Michael hides in his ranch to support several women and children.
Posted by: Cricket | January 18, 2005 at 07:52 AM
When Halliburton began importing slaves into colonial Amerikkka, the only good thing that came of it was when Jesse Jackson refused to take the slave-name Toby and snatched the whip from Bu$h's hand. "Always bet on Black!" he sneered and threw Bu$h out of the 747, saving the flight-attendants and transgendered orphans.
Posted by: Gil Solesdale-Whately | January 18, 2005 at 10:05 AM
I'm starting to sound like a sycophant, here. I know. But bravisimo. This was the best one yet.
You are the finest satirist known to me.
Posted by: Bug's Butt | January 18, 2005 at 11:04 AM
Bug's Butt: Crawl back up into your namesake! Liberal Larry's work isn't satire to us humble progressives (who by the way are much better than you); this is real life! The kind of real life where we stay in college until we're 35, then go on disability for various chemically-induced mental conditions. (Off topic: I love Bug's Butts latest post on his blog; especially the part about the possible connection between tea-bagging and french kissing.)
Gil: If I were Dave Berry, I'd say that "Transgendered Orphans" would be a great name for a rock band.
Posted by: Bubblehead | January 18, 2005 at 11:47 AM
This is a disgrace!!! You are overlooking the real hero of the civil rights movement- The Reverand AL SHARPTON!!! Say no to oil and hatred!!!
Had it not been for Al Sharpton's tireless pursuit of the rapists of Tawanananananana white men would be free to rape black women today. Just like the ThomAss Jefferson.
Had it not been for the courage of Sharpton's followers who heroicly overpowered a jewish man who was behaving suspiciosly in Hymie town then the bloodsuckers would still be stealing African American children.
End RACISM!!! END POLLUTION!!! END WAR!!! END SEXISM!!!
Posted by: MaryCheneyIsALesbian!!! | January 18, 2005 at 02:01 PM
I think Mary forgot to attend her womyn's drumming circle. Have a hit.
Posted by: Cricket | January 18, 2005 at 02:18 PM
Oft overlooked are the accomplishments of Joycelen Elders, who encouraged us to explore our own bodies. Maybe if WhitedevilBushitler spent more time exploring the crevices of his body, he'd have less time to napalm NativeAfrican voters and keep down the tri-sexual vote.
Posted by: Gil Solesdale-Whately | January 18, 2005 at 02:38 PM
Wow, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Joycelyn Elders, and Michael Jackson (!) all in the same thread! I need a hit....
Posted by: JannyMae | January 18, 2005 at 04:43 PM
They forgot Sidney Poitier...
" Unforgettable " was his best hit , his moon walk was cool too !
Posted by: Friend of USA | January 18, 2005 at 04:56 PM
Funny you should bring up Elders gil, I just got done spelunking around in my crevices about 15 mins ago.
Posted by: Reichpublican Stormtrooper | January 18, 2005 at 05:46 PM
I can now reveal the truth. James Earl Ray missed. He was aiming for Jesse. Al Sharpton used a time machine he stole from Halliburton World Conquest, Inc., to pay Ray to do this, in hopes Sharpton could be first in no-justice, first in no-peace, and first to shake down corporate America for money to pay off the mothers of his children.
Let the truth be told.
Posted by: Cheney W. Halliburton | January 18, 2005 at 07:11 PM
Al Sharpton for president!
Posted by: Red Loser | January 18, 2005 at 07:25 PM
I for one object to the term "African American," for multiple reasons.
First, I object to being lumped in with all the other ameriKKKans. I am not one o' them NASCAR watching, rebel flag waving, Jack Daniels swilling, wife beating, racist, bigoted, homophobic, Dumbya voting, Jesus freakin', gun toting, ignorant hillbilly redneck red state southerners. Until such time as those pseudopeople succeed in seceding and forming their own Jesusland, don't ever call me an ameriKKKan.
Second, I think it is redundant to call me "African." I mean, we all know that all human life evolved in Africa. All civilization, prior to the fall of humankind from Gaia's grace and the spread of technology and the origins of coroporate greed, came first to Africa. It was only later that people left the cradle and invaded the other lands of GaiaEarthMother, spreading like a disease, a cancer, into the pristine natural environments that were never meant to be touched by man. So in essence, we are all Africans.
Man must learn that when he strikes out at Africans, he strikes out at himself.
Posted by: Vishnu Troll Daddy Earth Goddess | January 19, 2005 at 09:23 AM
Right on Vishnu!
All hail Gaia, the molten sphere of metal and gas that orbits in the void of space, yet has the spirit of an all-knowing mother that we should fear and never ever exploit or use.
In fact, all hail every spirit diety (except Jesus). Anyone who doesn't worship trees, air, or bald overweight asian philosophers is a redneck homophobe fascist idiot who eats puppies
Posted by: Gil Solesdale-Whately | January 19, 2005 at 09:46 AM
Mmmm. That reminds me -- I skipped breakfast.
Posted by: Cheney W. Halliburton | January 20, 2005 at 06:46 AM
"Anyone who doesn't worship trees, air, or bald overweight asian philosophers is a redneck homophobe fascist idiot who eats puppies"
Leave Glenn Reynolds out of this!
Posted by: Gullyborg | January 24, 2005 at 12:08 PM
did you say nice things to
Posted by: monica | March 04, 2005 at 03:53 PM