Tragedy Strikes Southern California

Mere days after Bush's deadly tsumami wiped out half of India and Indonesia, tragedy has struck here at home. California is in a state of emergency and the entire western seaboard is in chaos. Blame it on Bush's refusal to ratify Kyoto. Blame it on irreconcilable differences. But after seven stormy years together, Brad and Jen have announced that they're calling it quits.

While marriage counselors sift through the rubble for any signs of life, divorce lawyers have already declared the marriage a complete disaster area and are quickly shifting from a rescue to a recovery operation. Eyewitnesses to the horrific event described a loud crashing sound "like a door slamming", followed by the squeal of tires, and then a thunderous roar as 500 wailing hairdressers chased Jen's car down the driveway.

Safe and warm in our homes, it's hard for us to fathom such senseless devastation. In our narrow, TV tube-sized view of the world, we're often distracted by trivial things like mudslides and tsunamis, and neglect to appreciate what's really important: the glamorous, yet fragile lives of the Beautiful People. But while we can simply glom on to the next big tabloid scandal, those who base their entire existence around the Hollywood elite struggle to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives and move on.

More often than not, they have to do so alone. There will be no care packages for Jen's personal entourage of asskissers, who have suddenly found themselves homeless and on the streets. There will be no international aid for Pitt's publicists, who were hospitalized with nervous conditions and stomach ulcers ranging from moderate to very critical. And there will be no federal assistance for the three members of the bradandjen Yahoo! Group, whose are probably putting on their nikes and scrawling into their bunk beds right about now.

While E! Online saw this tragedy coming, it came as a complete surprise to the mainstream media, raising questions as to why some sort of early warning system wasn't in place. There have already been calls for a federally-funded network of celebrity magazine editors who can predict such disasters and warn the American public in time. But for those of us still reeling from the cataclysmic Ben & J-Lo break-up, such steps come too little, too late. The best any of us can do is take a long hit from the hooka, crawl under our sink, and pray for death.

Comments

[Bubblehead]

As usual, your analysis hits the nail right on the head (with an environmentally-friendly hammer). Without this warning system, we could see a breakup of Mrs. and Mr. Steisand cause several progressive fans to lose it completely. Why, the next thing you know, Ellen Degeneres will have broken up with her live-in life partner... what?!? -- when did that happen?

[African Moonbat]

If only Bu$h had ratified the Kyoto protocol, then all those acres of Amazon Rainforest would not have been cut down to make the door that slammed, and it would have been made of something more enviromentally friendly, such as...er...wood.

[Cassandra]

I must admit, I never saw this coming. Their constant denials that their marriage was "as strong as ever" certainly were not a tipoff, as far as I was concerned.

Can't you and Peaceblossom get a Paypal button up so we can all contribute to relieve the enormous human suffering that is sure to result from this traveshamockery?

Really, Lar... I'm surprised you haven't thought of this already. You're slipping.

[Hale]

This is truly devastating news. I have been focused on these developments for days now, as it seems nothing else matters. Occasionally, I will become distracted by the oh-so-annoying bleating about mudslide death or people trapped or other breathless babbling. At the end of the day, it's all about BradandJen. The breakup is a disaster in the truest sense of the word.

Kyoto was only one part of the problem. Bush's inattentiveness - heck, CAUSING - the homeless problem also led to the breakup of bradandjen.

Of course, we saw this coming. Remember, the beautiful Brad was seen a year ago *in public* with the disheveled homeless unkempt look. This was clearly a statement about the homeless problem that Bush created. However, we know that the many minions of marionettes who make up hair for Jen were privately dismayed, and we're sure that this was the initial trickle of wet dirty icky dirt in the mudslide of our La Conchita celebrity times.

There must be some good news to this somewhere. Maybe we can look forward to Ben&Jen? (or would that be Beniston?) Or J. LoPitts? Perhaps all beautiful talents with the first name of "Jennifer" should be concerned... thank goodness there was already a Hurricane Jennifer in 1969, just about the time Bush was avoiding Nat'l Guard service.

When will the tragedy, suffering and despair ever end?

[Cricket]

I vote for Hale to sub for Lar should her never come out from under his sink.

I was speechless, then breathless. Of course, Cass is here, showing her goody two shoes side in getting you and Peaceblossom back together.

If she can do that for you and Peace, think what she could to for BradandJen.

However, the mudslide was a clue...sliding down, into the pits. Need I say more? Gaia has a sense of humor, using a mudslide as a play on words and predicting the future.

More truffles with the bong...whats with the hookah?
We going all Rudy Valentino and Paris in the 20s?

[aelfheld]

[...] fragile lives of the Beautiful People.

Not fragile enough. That Streisand cow is still running around mooing about other peoples laundry.

If this is caused by President Bush refusing to sign the Kyoto treaty, hopefully he finds more treaties not to sign.

[JannyMae]

True story. My older sister, who cares nothing about politics, brought up the BradNJen fiasco the other night at dinner, and seemed appalled when I said, "Who cares?!" She was, "hoping that they would be one of the Hollywood couples that stayed together." Screw the Tsunami, screw the mudslides and other domestic tragedies, let's worry about Brad and Jen! Doug Bandow is wrong--this is NOT a satire site. How can I get my sis to put down the, "US," magazine and get a dose of reality??

[JannyMae]

"How can I get my sis to put down the, "US," magazine and get a dose of reality??" Hmmm...Cheney, you still got that board???

[Red Loser]

So many people seem confused about what the real problem is here. It's not the divorce; rather, it's the fact that they got married in the first place. Marriage is the building block of traditional, conservative societies. Thus, it must be eliminated in order for our progressive agenda to advance. We need to be like the enlightened Europeans, who understand that it's not a piece of paper that matters--it's whether or not you want sex with hairy-legged women.

Of course, I'm not totally anti-marriage. Unlike the knuckle-dragging Jesuslanders which surround me with the horrible stench of their fascist "moral values," I think gays should be allowed to get married, and anyone who says otherwise should be charged with hate crimes and executed by a firing squad.

Some may say that this is an extreme view, but really it's not. The firing squad would use biodegradable hemp bullets.

[Crouton]

Hemp... is there anything it can't do?

[lauraw]

"The best any of us can do is take a long hit from the hooka, crawl under our sink, and pray for death."

I quite agree.
In a time of mourning, it is important to get back to our regular routine as soon as possible.

[Friend of USA]

Larry

Bush's men stole the " d " in the second word of your first paragraph .

It is probably in an FBI lab right now.

Your liberal DNA will soon be in a file...

Or maybe CBS needed a " d " to forge some documents...

Who knows ..

But don't take no chances ;

Move if you live near a muddy hill and
lock your doors Larry , especially around midnight !

[Friend of USA]

Now who put that " d " back there ?

Ahhh never mind , I'll go read larry's new post and pretend nothing happened.

[Friend of USA]

But before I go , when will that uncaring hearthless Bush address the nation on the
Pit Brat and Jennifer Peniston situation ?

[Liberal Larry]

"Now who put that 'd' back there ?"

I bet it was that Doug Bandow dude. There's no limit to the miracles a senior fellow at the Cato Institute can perform.

[CavalierX]

It was bad enough when that evil Bu$hitler killed millions of unknowns in his oil-rig-generated tsunami. But now he's destroying the lives of innocent celebrities -- and notice, it's always the ones who didn't support him! First Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, then Lisa Loeb and Dweezil Zappa, and now Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston!! The Bush revenge machine is only just getting started!

[Uncle Scrotor]

And don't forget Courtney Love -- she said her problems were "a trickle down from Bush".

[Cricket]

Oh...stop stop stop! Courtney was trickled on. Bush is 'heartHless.' Can no one feel the pain of my laughter?
See through the chunks all over my monitor?

The responses are just as hysterical as the post!

I will give Larry the hookar and pass the bong to all of you.

[Bug's Butt]

Damn this blog is chock full of good stuff. Great satire. Laughing out loud as I read.

[JLo's Butt]

Well, you all can cry over the JLo/Ben break up, but I was all in favor of it. All that jerk Ben wanted to do was handle me like he was kneading dough and ride the Hershey Highway. Which is NOT happening. I don't need that. I am very busy trying to maintain JLo's fame and lifestyle, and the last thing I need is extra makeup because of bruises from Ben's rough handling and second rate efforts at intimacy and kinkyness.

[Cricket]

JLo'sbutt, I have some kicka$$ therapy for you: Turn the other cheek. I know Ben has nnnnnnneeeeeddddddddds, but
he is no longer a threat to you...unless you really miss out on that, hhhhmmm?

[Hack Ptui]

And meanwhile, the shrill Chimp lapdogs over at Powerline (http://www.powerlineblog.com) keep trying to draw attention away from the real tragedies here at home by focussing attention on Sumatra and CBS.

Nero dances while Rome burns. It's a sad day for this country, my friends, a sad day.

[Tom]

The "Shrill Chimp Lapdogs" would be a great name for a band!

[JannyMae]

Actually, sounds more like an appetizer, "Chilled Shrimp Lapdog Cocktail"

[Cricket]

Uuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmm. "Chilled Shrimp Lapdog Cockateil." Sounds scrumptious for when the bong strikes!