Mere days after Bush's deadly tsumami wiped out half of India and Indonesia, tragedy has struck here at home. California is in a state of emergency and the entire western seaboard is in chaos. Blame it on Bush's refusal to ratify Kyoto. Blame it on irreconcilable differences. But after seven stormy years together, Brad and Jen have announced that they're calling it quits.
While marriage counselors sift through the rubble for any signs of life, divorce lawyers have already declared the marriage a complete disaster area and are quickly shifting from a rescue to a recovery operation. Eyewitnesses to the horrific event described a loud crashing sound "like a door slamming", followed by the squeal of tires, and then a thunderous roar as 500 wailing hairdressers chased Jen's car down the driveway.
Safe and warm in our homes, it's hard for us to fathom such senseless devastation. In our narrow, TV tube-sized view of the world, we're often distracted by trivial things like mudslides and tsunamis, and neglect to appreciate what's really important: the glamorous, yet fragile lives of the Beautiful People. But while we can simply glom on to the next big tabloid scandal, those who base their entire existence around the Hollywood elite struggle to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives and move on.
More often than not, they have to do so alone. There will be no care packages for Jen's personal entourage of asskissers, who have suddenly found themselves homeless and on the streets. There will be no international aid for Pitt's publicists, who were hospitalized with nervous conditions and stomach ulcers ranging from moderate to very critical. And there will be no federal assistance for the three members of the bradandjen Yahoo! Group, whose are probably putting on their nikes and scrawling into their bunk beds right about now.
While E! Online saw this tragedy coming, it came as a complete surprise to the mainstream media, raising questions as to why some sort of early warning system wasn't in place. There have already been calls for a federally-funded network of celebrity magazine editors who can predict such disasters and warn the American public in time. But for those of us still reeling from the cataclysmic Ben & J-Lo break-up, such steps come too little, too late. The best any of us can do is take a long hit from the hooka, crawl under our sink, and pray for death.
Don't forget the truffles!
Posted by: JannyMae | January 15, 2005 at 03:11 PM
Is Bush driving whales to commit suicide?
A recent AP story said that at least 22 pilot whales have beached themselves near Manteo,NC. Is there any doubt that they are Democratic whales reacting to the Bush re-election.
Posted by: Bruce | January 15, 2005 at 06:40 PM
ohohohoh and the Nacho Doritos too, along with a fine Dr. Pepper. We are world class all the way. Now, about the BradandJenPittstop that their marriage was, I for one was up all night, gnawing my knuckles. I worried, thinking about the hairdressers and paparazzi who would be out of a job. Then I realized that the hairdressers would never be out of a job and the parazzi could hound other Hollyweird Royalty to death.
Posted by: Cricket | January 17, 2005 at 09:14 AM
As with most disasters of this magnitude, now more than ever this tragedy begs the question:
What did George W. Bush know and when did he know it?
Posted by: RLnDFW | March 27, 2006 at 02:20 PM