Jingo Bell Crock

Shiver me timbers and jigger me with a yule log, the Holiday Season is upon us once again and the whole city is aglow with decorations. It seems like only yesterday that Peaceblossom and I bundled ourselves up in our matching hemp sweaters and took a long, romantic stroll through the neighborhood, singing "Jingo Bell Crock" at the top of our lungs and kicking over nativity scenes. Ah, the memories! I can still recall the delicious, teary-eyed look of dumbstruck horror on that crazy geezer's face as I punted Baby Jeezus across her front lawn.

"STOP RELIGIOUS INTOLERANCE NOW!" I shouted at the shriveled old zealot.

"GO BACK TO JESUS LAND, YOU DOGMA-SPEWING FASCIST!" Peaceblossom chimed in as she merrily stomped the three wise men into the dirt.

"Lawrence Engels Chomstein, you little BASTARD!" Gramma cried. "I'm calling the police!"

Goddess, I miss her. It's so hard to get into the holiday spirit without her around. Peaceblossom, that is. I long for the good ol' days when we were still a team, standing up to religious fanaticism wherever we found it. I sure could have used Peace by my side Saturday, when I ran smack into the very same sort of ugly, blind hatred that Gramma displayed for her very own grandson last Christmas.

With the Blog Awards less than a week away, I had planned to spend all weekend at the public library, frantically voting. But when I walked in the main entrance, all my hopes and dreams were brutally shattered by the great, big, aluminum baseball bat of reality. Before me, in all it's obscene splendor, stood what I will one day describe to my grandchildren as a "Christmas Tree". Decked out in crudely crafted ornaments, stringed popcorn garnish, and sneering gingerbread men, it was as if my all worst nightmares had somehow come to life. The final kick in the crotch was perched daintily atop the vile monstrosity: a single yellow construction-paper star signifying the horrific event that led to 2000 years of genocide and opression in the name of religion.

I couldn't breathe. The room spun around me. How could this be? Had the whole world gone mad? I thought the King County Master Librarian issued a Fatwah banning Christmas trees from the libraries. I thought he was one of the good guys! Didn't he care at all about the feelings of non-Christians who might walk in and see that horrific fungus staring back at them?

For a long time I just stood there, gazing with disbelief and disgust at its sheer naked depravity. Then, the floodgates burst wide open and out poured years of pent-up rage over religious opression in the form of a high-pitched, girlish scream. I screamed and screamed and screamed some more. I screamed for a good five minutes, yet drew only looks of mild annoyance. When I realized that no one was going to come running over in truckling response to my feminine hysterics, I screamed even louder. Finally, a bespectacled little rat-faced librarian idled over and tugged at my sleeve.

"Sir," she wheezed. "The P.E.S.T. group therapy session is being held in the library auditorium, through the double-doors and past the big pile of spent kleenex."

I stopped screaming and jabbed a finger furiously at the giant Tree of Hate.

"What is THAT?" I demanded.

"It's a Christmas tree," she answered hesitantly.

"In a public building? HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF THE SECOND AMENDMENT?""Yes, but it's sort of a library tradition," she explained. "Local cub scouts decorate it every year with ornaments they made by hand. People can bid on the decorations and the proceeds goes to charity. It's really a nice thing."

I didn't know what was more infuriating: The way she proudly admitted that the Hitler Youth were responsible for this obscenity, or how she actually believed that offending people in the name of some bogus charity actually justifies the crime.

"A nice thing?" I spat. "A NICE THING? What about the Jewish kid who saunters in, suddenly discovers that we're celebrating a Christian holiday, and becomes so offended that he claws his own eyes out in shame? Is that a 'nice thing'? What about the poor homeless man who comes in out of the cold to surf child porn in a warm, welcoming environment, but is instead accosted by a 10-foot icon of exclusion? Is a that a 'nice thing'? And what about the gay couple who visits the library to check out Eminem's latest CD, but is greeted at the door by the scowling symbol of a religious faith that doesn't accept or celebrate their lifestyle? Is it a 'nice thing' that they become targets of physical violence because a group of knot-tying nazi larvae want to maintain their tax exempt status? Don't you have any regard for the feelings of others? HAVE YOU NO COMPASSION?"

"Well, actually, we haven't received any complaints from..."

"Oh, but of course not," I cut her off. "Who's going to lodge a complaint about the burning cross on their front lawn when all the cops are in the Klan? People are too terrified to complain."

"Terrified of a tree?"

"Absolutely! It may appear to be just a harmless plant, but if you give these evangelical's an inch, they'll take a mile. Today, it's a Christmas Tree in the library lobby. Tomorrow, Santa Claus will be burning heretics on your front steps. That's why George Jefferson wrote the wall between church and state right into the Constitution - so that no one should ever have to feel insulted or threatened by large, brightly festooned conifers. Libraries especially should be places where people of all faiths can go without fear of being offended or excluded, except for Christians but they'll just have to learn to live with it. The biblethumping Whos down in Whoville can whine all they want, but Christmas Trees serve only to divide America and turn us against one another, creating conditions ripe for the very same sort of religious dictatorship that our forefathers came here to escape."

She seemed to let it sink in for a moment, then slowly shook her head.

"I disgree, sir," she said. "While it has roots in Christian and Pagan beliefs, the American tradition of Christmas is not so much a religious holiday as a celebration of the human spirit and love for our fellow man. During the Christmas season, Americans are more tolerant of one another, they go out of their way to be nicer to their neighbors, they smile more and spread good cheer. Yes, it IS a "nice thing", and it's a shame that some small-minded jerks want to destroy the only day of the year that people actually try to get along!"

It was then that I realized that the broad was mentally ill, perhaps dangerous. "Human spirit?" Obviously, this lunatic had never been in the mall on December the 24th. I'd like to see how much "good cheer" she'd have left after being beat up by her "fellow man" for the last copy of Halo 2.

I started to slowly back away when I suddenly remembered why I was there in the first place.

"Where are your computers?" I demanded.

"Second floor," she said. "But they're all taken by homeless people surfing child pornography. I can put you on the waiting list..."

"Forget it," I growled, and turned to leave.

"Merry Christmas!" she said to my back.

"Seig Hiel," I replied, and marched out the door.

Comments

[MaxMomFL]

That was great....I need a cigarette.

[Vishnu Troll Daddy Earth Goddess]

Every time I see a KKKristmas tree, I cry a little, and die a little inside. Think of the pain inflicted on GaiaEarthMother to see so many millions of Her precious living beings brutally cut down in the prime of life only to make a mockery of what was once a proud Pagan belief--and for what? To drive rampant consumerism, fueled by corporate greed. For this, we rape our Mother Earth, to get people in the "mood" to buy more things, things that don't really make anybody happy, but that we are told to buy by the voices coming from the little box with the 4x3 screen--when what we should be doing is loving each other and caring and nurturing and oh, sorry, I forgot, we aren't allowed to think that way or else the thought-controllers behind the PATRIOT ACT will hunt us down in the middle of the night and ship us off sight unseen to a cage like an animal in a secret base at Gitmo for the bah humbug crime of not being ameriKKKan enough during Shrub's illegal so-called "terror war." That's right, this is all about blood for oil. Just when we were about to finally be able to get enough of the ignorant sheeple out there revved up enough to demand more recounts in Ohio--what do you know, if's f'ing KKKRISTMAS! Hohoho! Buy a new SUV! What's that? Our civil liberties are being raped? Can't talk now, I'm in line to charge this new copy of Halo 2 at Wal-Mart--gotta appease junior you know (if you know what I mean, wink wink). Is it any coincidence that the elections happen in November, right before Thanksgiving and the KKKristmas? The early repugniKKKans were in on it all the way back then when they wrote the Constitution, knowing that it would take weeks back then to count the votes the old fashioned way, so that before a real count was ever made, people forgot about the elections and started thinking about turkey, followed by gifts. No wonder John Adams got elected! And now that we have new technology that can count the votes faster, to declare candidates like John Kerry winners before the tryptophan sets in, what happens? They give out no-bid contracts to HALLIBURTON to create the electronic vote counting machines and use the PATRIOT ACT to silence people like us from voicing our dissent when the evidence shows that Bu$Hitler stole another election. And now we are supposed to kill a tree? Don't you know that trees convert carbon dioxide, a greenhouse gas, back into oxygen? Don't you realize that cutting down all those healthy young conifers only further contributes to global warming? Well no sir, not me, not going to fall for that trap. No tree for me and screw the holidays. I have nothing to be thankful for and no reason to give anyone a present--the only present that needs to be given is a healing prayer to our GaiaEarthMother to help Her in Her time of grief and sorrow--sorrow that is going to last for FOUR MORE YEARS.

[Ry]

Damn, man.

That was one helluva "comment," Vish.

[Moonchild]

I had hoped that Seattle had evolved past the primitive desire to celebrate anything, especially when there's suffering in the world. At this pace, Rat-Face'll probably have snake handling instituted by the next 'Holiday Season' and the Inquisition the year after that.

How is Peaceblossom adjusting to her new life in Canada? I heard 'trangender' surgery is covered under their enlightened medical system. I pass the bong.

[Cassandra]

Good Lord Vishnu... we're not worthy dude. [long inhale]

[Blamblam]

Vishnu, it's like you read my mind!

[Cheney W. Halliburton]

I coulda sold Grandma one of our special anvil-based Nativity scenes -- guaranteed to put a stop to vandalism. And a great way to broaden the market for those motorized scooters, what with all the foot and leg injuries. Why should old farts have all the fun on those things?

[Masked Menace©]

Good Lord Vishnu... - Posted by Cassandra

Good Lord?

GOOD LORD?

******GOOD LORD!!!!????********

Why you, fascist knuckle-dragging bible-thumping racist atavistic homo-lynching stupid intolerant theocratic Jesusland troglodyte. If you people can't learn to start showing some respect for other peoples religions we're going to have to send you all off to camps where you will be *educated* into giving up you oppressive beliefs. Maybe then you will learn how much damage you've caused Mother Earth and just how oppressive *your type* are.

[Friend of USA]

Vishnu ,you are right , why kill an innocent conifer ?

...Walmart sells plastic conifers.

Petrol is used in making plastic.

Halliburton is into petrol.

Cheney is connected to Halliburton.

Cheney is Bush's vice president

And who is killing terrorists ?

Yes Vishnu , you are right ,I'm not gonna kill an innocent tree to wich you democrats will eventually give the right to vote .

No I'll give my money to Walmart/Halliburton/Bush
And help them kill more terrorists !

My saving a tree is helping kill terrorists !

This is the happiest Christmas ever !

Thank you Vishnu !

[Lonely Man]

Vishnu,

Last year I was told to buy stuff from voices in a 4x3 box. The voices told me to buy a big 16:9 box. Now the voices in my big 16:9 box are telling me to buy other stuff. I would go to the stores, but I might meet people. Besides, I don't want to violate my restraining order, which also forbids me to use the internet. Which kind of makes this post hard to explain, huh?

What should I do?

[Cricket]

MM, what a righteous smackdown that was.
Larry, that librarian had you pegged on the tolerance issue. She had you dead to rights and at least you
were objective enough to include her comments.

*wrestling the bong from Cassandra*

Vishnu needs the bong. He missed a hit back there.
Friend of USA, I only hope you are right.

Heh.

[Masked Menace©]

People, people, people. It's not a tree, it's a CHOICE.

Don't give Haliburton anymore of your money by buying petrol oppression. Trees are systematically tortured by removing limbs to make them into unnatural shapes every winter. Give them the release they so desperatly want. Take them home and love them during their last moments, dress them up all nice and pretty so they can at least have some happiness in their few remaining moments.

[Friend of USA]

Just finished watching my brand new copy of
" Celcius 41.11 "

For those who don't know ,it's a low budget
( almost zero publicity ) movie/ documentary in response to Fahreneith 9/11.

It demonstrates , politely - too politely in my taste - with facts ,yes FACTS and not with
edited-out-of-context-excerpts nor sensationalism ,where Michael Moore is wrong.

And it is soooo easy to do ...

Just to watch Kerry, Edwards , Hillary and other democrats say
- before the war started in Iraq-
that Saddam must be removed from power because he has weapons of mass destruction is well worth the $14 !

You can also hear Michael Moore say - before Sept 11 - that there is absolutely NO terrorist treath against America ( !!! )

What an ASS HOLE...

Hey! the dvd case is made of plastic ! And you know what that means !

I've got to buy more plastic goods and more petrol ...

Anyone knows where I can buy a plastic computer that runs on petrol ?

[lauraw]

Broccoli.
*giggling*

[Friend of USA]

Lauraw ,please ,define broccoli ?...

[Masked Menace©]

I have no knowledge of this "broccoli" of which you speak.

Its name sounds like some new biological warfare being secretly researched by BusHitler to be force fed to children.

[Giliad]

The Dem's version of tolerance is truly disturbing. This kind of hate and militant bullshit is why you'll never win another election. How moronic is it to tell Christians you'd like to lock them up, ban them from the public square, and terrorize them, and then expect the red states to vote for you next time around. You're not even smart enough to lie or put on an act. Did you learn nothing from Bill Clinton?

[JannyMae]

Whoa. Methinks some of you are indulging in one too MANY hits from the bong. You're getting a little wierd on me. Vishnu, love your tree comments, but Friend, I love your petrol comments even more. Hmmm. Computers that run on plastic? Interesting concept. Let's think about it, though. If we consume enough power, our local power companies will have to burn COAL to generate more! Hence, we pollute the air and generate greenhouse gases, just by using our P.C's! Gee, we can contribute to "global warming," without even cutting down a tree! This just gets better and better! (Cheney, you paying attention to this?) That way, when the planet warms enough, Californica will be in the ocean, my state, Arizona, will be on the coast, and we can put all the little ,"snowbirds," on their little scooters and send them for a long ride on a short pier! This just keeps getting better! *rubbing hands together in maniacal glee*

Cricket, did you get away from Bill? I heard you passed him in the hallway and...well...did you get away? Umm. Pass that bong, please. I need a hit, just at the THOUGHT of Bill going near any woman!

[Masked Menace©]

How moronic is it to tell Christians you'd like to lock them up, ban them from the public square, and terrorize them, and then expect the red states to vote for you next time around. - Posted by Giliad

How moronic is it to think that after we lock up all Bible-Thumpers, rednecks, homophobes, fascists, racists, and people without a SENSE OF HUMOR, they'll be allowed to vote?

[aelfheld]

We don't need a sense of humour, we have guns.

[Matthew Ryan]

Alefheld "We don't need a sense of humour, we have guns."

To remove the scourge of Christianity from Mother Earth we'll need more than guns..........bunker busters.

"What about the Jewish kid who saunters in, suddenly discovers that we're celebrating a Christian holiday, and becomes so offended that he claws his own eyes out in shame?"

I can truly believe this as this very thing kinda sorta happened to my dog. Just replace "Jewish kid" with dog, "Christian holiday" with cat, "eyes" with skin and "shame" with jealousy. Actually I don't have a dog but I hope to own one someday.

[Bill Clinton]

Did I hear my name mentioned?

JannyMae, babe... c'mon over here and sit on Uncle Bill's knee and tell him what you want for KKKristmas.

Janny honey, don't try to get away from Uncle Bill: here take a toke and pass it on.

[Kool-Aid Drinker's Domestic Partner]

Matthew Ryan wrote: "Actually I don't have a dog but I hope to own one someday."

RACIST!!!!!

[Jacob Rove]

CRIMES OF THE RIGHT, the new explosive tell-all book by the best-selling author HOPE NEWMAN, hit the market with a bang!

If you liked Fahrenheit 9/11, you’ll love CRIMES OF THE RIGHT. It unravels BUSH crimes for the past 4 years. CRIMES OF THE RIGHT hard cover ISBN is: 0595665748. I bought my copy at barnesandnobel.com. You can also find it at amazon.com. Please help spread the word.

[Amber]

Karl: *sigh* "There's one in every family."