GOP Rigs WA Elections, Weblog Awards

On the night of November 2nd, it became increasingly clear that it would be a tight race for Governor. By the time all the results were in, Reichspublican Dino Rossi was ahead of Christine Gregoire by a mere 261 votes. By its very existence, his small lead was proof positive of faulty counting machines, if not wholesale election fraud and voter intimidation. Gregoire was confident that if every non-military vote was counted and recounted correctly, she would win by a landslide. Remarkably, Rossi refused to honor the Will of the People and concede the election.

As a mandatory statewide machine recount kicked in, an army of GOP lawyers descended upon Olympia to prevent the inclusion of hundreds of ballots recently discovered in Sandy Berger's pants. Thankfully, their dirty little scheme to disenfranchise Berger's genitalia failed, and Gregoire came within an amazing 42 votes of Rossi.

You'd think that would have been enough for ol' Dino to pack his bags and go back to Nazi Germany. On the contrary. He actually declared victory! Then, in an act remiscent of Katherine Harris' treachery in 2000, Secretary of State Sam Reed certified the results and proclaimed fellow Repugnican Dino Rossi "gOvenor SE-lect in Thief" of Washington State.

Only two, perhaps three more recounts away from winning the race, Gregoire pleaded with democrats across the nation to dip into their pockets. John Kerry even chipped in a buck or two, but it didn't bring Gregoire anywhere near the $700,000 needed for a statewide recount. They barely had enough to count the ballots Jim McDermott found inside his floatation tank.

So now Democrats have until 5pm Friday to call for another recount. Hopefully, they'll have the funds they need for a statewide audit, or else they'll be forced - kicking and screaming - to conduct limited recounts in select democrat strongholds, such as Sandy Berger's pants. I can hear the big baby Repugs crying "foul" already. Still, it's not too late for Rossi to show a little class and concede before he destroys our democratic process with his reckless crusade for power.

Meanwhile, it seems that the stench of GOP election fraud has spread to the web.

I don't put much stock in these weblog awards. I never win them and they're obviously bogus. So imagine my surprise when I made the final list of nominees over at WizBang!'s little dog and pony show, and with only a minimal amount of pleading.

There are a couple of dark, humiliating clouds to the silver lining, though. First of all, they put me way in the back of the bus, in the "Best Humor Blog" category with all the bozos of the blogosphere. Right-wing fascist bozos, at that! Although I don't write a humor blog and being nominated as one baffles me, I wouldn't mind being counted amongst purveyors of high-brow, progressive comedy, like Carrot Top, or Arianna Huffington. But it's downright infuriating to be included with the likes of Scott "Buy My Book" Ott and Frank "I've Got a Hot Girlfriend" J., both right-wing shills who are only popular because they play on peoples' fears.

Why, look at how many votes they have compared to me! Scrappleface, 32%; IMAO, 26%; BlameBush 2.5%. Obviously, the fix is in. In fact, the whole thing is rigged so you can only vote once per IP address. I spent the entire day hopping around every workstation at the office just to get my measly 4 votes, and that was after I accidentally voted for Pat Buchanan 9 or 10 times. Ott must have hit every library computer in Nazi Germany to get 32 freakin' percent of the friggin' vote! If it weren't for the absence of giant, blinking "Axis of Weasel" ads on Wizbang!, I'd suspect he secretly owned the site.

I'm not worried, though. The voting ends on Dec. 12, and I'm confident that if every vote is counted and recounted correctly, I will win Best Humor Blog of 2004 by a landslide. Of course, those other bozos could show a little class and concede, but I'm not holding my breath.

Comments

[Cricket]

First! And I now award best of the bong to Janny Mae!

[Dougster]

The only reason your not winning Larry is because people aren't actually surfing every blog nominated and making an informed decision... much more like our democratic.

[spd rdr]

I tried to vote for you, Larry, but I was intimidated at the polls by my wife-beating fascist boss. Unbelievable! There is was perusing the many many many many fine blogs listed on the ballot (who knew that there was a catagory for "Best South Bronx Illegal Alien With A Bad Lisp Blog?"), when all of sudden this Nazi child-pimping stormtrooper is at my shoulder, screaming redfaced about "work" I was supposed to be doing. "Work?" I screamed back, "How dare you interupt me about "work" while I am exercising my franchise and saving the blogosphere from rightwing moralistic bible-thumping hedgemony!" Of course, the neanderthal knuckle-dragger could not grasp the selflessness of my actions and promptly had his jackbooted thugs physically eject me from the building. But their brutal attempts to intimidate me will not succeed. No longer held in bondage by those purveyors of consumerism, I am free to wander about the city, voting for "Best Indigestion Blog" at every computer I see. Oops! The Librarian is giving me a hard stare, I guess I'd better move along. Fight the Power!

[Moonchild]

Stay strong Lar. This entire "best blog" poll plays on the vanities of bloggers and serves no other purpose. I'm sure it's a ploy to make the ugly, balding authors of the poll feel like they have power over kind, gentle souls like you.

[Cricket]

Larry,
I voted for you and am ashamed to see you in the company of right wing goody two shoes like Scott Ott.

I will not rest until you are named as King of the Hill
of left wing blogging males who are in touch with all their sides and who, like hibernating bears, live in their living rooms, drawing unemployment so they can
enable their sociopathological tendencies by being on line. Power to the People!

[Scott Ott]

I will gladly concede one "Best Humor Blog" vote to you for each of your readers who buys my book, Axis of Weasels, for only $12.95 + S&H (cheaper by the 6-pack) at http://www.axisofweasels.com , and also available at Amazon.com using the following link...
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/097614140X/scottott

Sincerely,
Scott Ott, editor, ScrappleFace.com
Author of "Axis of Weasels"
Also available at Amazon.com

[Mike]

Scott, you're on!

Let me say I have difficulty between the two choices. I read both every day.

Fortunately, a large man with hair coming out the back of his grimy UAW t-shirt grabbed my arm with one hand, and the mouse with another. The vote went to Larry.

[JannyMae]

Best of the bong award? Wow, man, like, GROOVY! *face red, head down, humbly taking bow* I want to thank everyone here on Larry's blog, especially Cricket, who first passed me the bong. I am like, so honored, man! I also have to thank Google, as I found this site one time by doing a, "serious," Google search. I humbly accept this award, even though I deserve it about as much as Fahrenheit 9/11 deserves the Best Picture Oscar! FAR OUT!

[Kool-Aid Drinker's Domestic Partner]

You can only vote if you have an IP address? But what about all the disenfranchised out there whose IP's are homeless? Why don't they get to vote? People without Internet access are stakeholders in the Internet just like Scott Ott and that Scrapply person, and I think it's just WRONG to keep them from having a say in this, the most important election ever since the last one.

[Kneave Riggall]

Lar, you got my vote. Keep up the good work for...
Four more years!

[barbula]

I was gonna vote for you Larry, but in the end my conscience got the better of me and I voted for Nadar. I know you understand.

[ThaSickness]

No doubt you'll win Larry, unless the facists at Instapundit and IMAO go and steal the election!

[Sobek]

You got my vote, Larry. You can tell everyone you know that you got 100% of the crocodile vote.

[Cricket]

But now you can vote early and often! You can vote for a different blog in the same category if you have conflicting loyalites and taste! We are all winners! How liberal is THAT?

[Vishnu Troll Daddy Earth Goddess]

The very nature of a "best of" contest is inherently flawed because in life their should be no "winners" because "winners" imply "losers" by association. Shouldn't we all strive to live a world where no one is a loser? And in such a world, by definition, it would be impossible for ignorant hillbilly redneck bigot homophobe repugniKKKans to "win" and intelligent, caring, progressive, responsible, nurturing Democrats to "lose."

[aelfheld]

"[...] after I accidentally voted for Pat Buchanan 9 or 10 times."

No wonder you people are so enamoured of recounts. It's not the ballot, it's the voter.

[Ry]

Speaking of voting twice, I think I've "accidentally" managed to cast a second vote for your "humor" blog, Larry.

WizBang's security features appear to be NO MATCH for my Trial Version of Window Washer.

This is a small first step. What we need to do now is to try and upload the Trial Version of Window Washer on EVERY SINGLE Diebold Voting Machine in Ohio and Southern Florida BEFORE 2008.

I think this may be our ONLY hope of preventing Bush from a third term.

HILLARY IN '08!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Ry]

Oh. Whoops.

Turns out that my Trial Version of Window Washer did nothing. WizBang's rules for voting are "one vote per person, PER DAY."

So, All I did was vote one day, then vote some 'nother day.

CHANGE OF PLANS, GUYS!!!!

Instead of uploading the Trial Version of Window Washer on every contested Diebold Voting Machine, what we should REALLY be putting our efforts into is a Constitutional Amendment: One vote, per person, PER DAY.

Okay, this time, for real: HILLARY IN '08!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Pol Pothead]

I, like, agree and sh*t, dudes. This whole 'Best Blog' election is bogus and sh*t. The amount of disenfranchisement going on is just unreal, man. People without internet access can't vote; people without computers can't vote; people undergoing intensive self-medication for glaucoma who are too self-medicated to leave their beanbag or wipe the drool off their chest can't vote; Iraqi insurgents who've encountered US Marines can't vote (or do much of anything else except biodegrade); most American college students can't vote, since the voting process is heavily skewed toward those with at least basic reading-comprehension skills; and sh*t.

So, with the whole process obviously tilted in favor of rich white Christian Republicannibals, it should be no surprise that someone like Scrapplefascist will win. Not that that will, like, mean anything, 'cause while he may get 30 or 40 percent of the votes among those who voted, he has nearly 0% among the 99.9% of the world who didn't vote, and sh*t. And that's where our Larry's real strength lies -- with the people who don't matter or give a sh*t.

[aelfheld]

I vote for 'don't matter'.

[Frank J.'s hot girlfriend]

i was hoping to see your name on the ballot, Liberal Larry. that said, i voted for Frank.

[Frank J.]

What do I care if I win this? My girlfriend is hot!

[AFascistFromIMAO]

Good luck Larry....maybe you'll even get 3% of the vote!

Go Frank!

[sackofcatfood]

How the heck did you get 2.5% of the vote? Oh well, suppose that's probably within the margin of error. . . .

[urban]

GO IMAO!