Does Bush Know it's Kwanzaa Time at All?

Hitler's Dog recently lifted it's fascist leg on an astonishing article. According to the very reliable Pravda, the world's starving population has increased by 20 million since the 1990's. If that revelation and the endless parade of homeless people on the evening news isn't enough to ruin your holiday, then you're an inhuman monster bereft of all compassion.

Think about it: 20 million starving people. The numbers are alarming, indeed. Even despite my godlike brilliance, I found myself completely baffled by this alarming phenomenon. What, pray tell, could be causing such a horrific famine on a global scale? Pravda clearly implicates Bush, but I'm not the type who instinctively blames the Shrub for every little thing regardless of evidence. So, I pored through charts and data all night long in search of an answer. As the minutes turned to hours and darkness gave way to morning light, I began to suspect that Pravda was right and Dumbya might indeed be involved. It doesn't take a UC Berkeley degree in Greco-Roman sexual positions to notice some striking historical parallels between rising starvation levels and the installment of Republican administrations. However, there is another mitigating factor that eluded me at first, although in retrospect it's quite obvious and makes perfect sense.

We all remember how famine relief efforts like Live Aid, Band Aid, Hear 'n Aid, USA for Africa, and others almost completely eradicated world hunger in the late 1980's. Pop icons like Paul Young and Simon Le Bon put their egos aside and selflessly shared their time and teased hair for a good cause. But after rocketing to superstardom on the bloated bellies of emaciated children, these beloved artists suddenly faded into obscurity. A sad few appeared briefly on VH1 "Where are they now?" specials, but for all intents and purposes the glam bands of the 80's vanished from the face of the earth, the entire hairdressing industry collapsing right behind them.

Then came the Shrub. After 8 years of worldwide peace and prosperity, Bush's appointment has resurrected the spectre of global famine once again. Despite the urging of future Nobel Laureate, Bono, Bush refuses to forgive the debt of third world countries like Ethiopia and France, sabotaging their dreams of a socialist Utopia out of sheer capitalist greed. In the time it takes him to sit down with his fascist family this holiday and gorge himself on the flesh of a murdered farm animal, 30 million children will die of starvation. Another 50 million will have died by the time he passes out presents Christmas morning, totally oblivious to the cloud of human suffering that surrounds him.

But there's still hope. Duran Duran is touring again. George Michael and Elton John are back in the news, if only to scratch each other's eyes out. Band Aid reformed and released a new single just last month, aptly entitled, "Don't You Dare Enjoy Your Christmas While People Are Starving, You Greedy Bastard."

Yet although the tide is turning and the 80's are making a comeback, there is still much work to be done. 9 million children starved to death in the time it took you to read this blog entry. Another 4 million died as you read that last sentence telling you that 9 million died. Whoops! There went another 2 million! There's no getting around it. No matter how fast you read this blog, someone somewhere will die of hunger. That's why it's imperative that you call your congressmen immediately and demand that the National Endowment of the Arts be expanded to include Glam Bands, Hair Bands, and Butt Rockers. If we can somehow lure aging New Wave artists out of hiding, perhaps we can quell Bush's New Wave of human suffering before it overcomes us all.

Comments

[Ry]

"Pravda clearly implicates Bush, but I'm not the type who instinctively blames the Shrub for every little thing regardless of evidence."

If I had to chose ONE sentence that utterly and completely summed up the spirit of this blog in one compact statement, this would be it.

[Stalin Lives In Boston]

everyone knows that world starvation and male erectile dysfunction will end forever just as soon as shrub ratifies kyoto.

[spd rdr]

Every time I come to this site I learn something new. I used to think that the masses of starving children wandering the suburban streets near my home, their empty stomachs and pierced navels exposed to the elements, was all the fault of that bitch "Barbie." Then, when I heard that people in other countries where also staggering around half naked and starving, I thought it was because that blimp Sally Struthers had gobbled up all of their food, and maybe even a couple of their kids ,too. But now I understand that it was all Bush's fault. I am relieved.

[Supernatural Rabbit Scribe]

"No matter how fast you read this blog, someone somewhere will die of hunger."

So it is my fault, after all. Somehow, I always sorta suspected that...

[aelfheld]

Be honest - aren't a few million starving children a small enough price when put up against the resurrection of 1980's hair bands?

[Red Loser]

And remember: starving children in Africa die every time you don't finish all the food on your plate!

[JannyMae]

"And remember: starving children in Africa die every time you don't finish all the food on your plate!" Yep, Red Loser, that's what Mom always told me, and she wouldn't lie, right?

[Bad Commie]

I think Christians should all die for christ, the fascist hypocrites. At which point we can eat them and send frozen meat to africa.

[Red Loser]

Larry, why do you keep calling this time of year "Christmas"? In doing so, you're only supporting the vast Judeo-Christian Zionazi conspiracy that gleefully starves Palestinian children who only want to be loved. Thus, they become bitter and turn to violence because they are so offended by the intolerance of this "holiday." How could you support the evils of a cackling old man, his bright red clothing drenched in the blood of minorities, as he enslaves Mother Earth's beautiful creatures? Rumor has it that he exposed his lead reindeer to radioactive waste so that his nose would glow, lighting the way for his diabolical sleigh to screech through the night sky, terrorizing children across the globe with his capitalist "gifts" and endless moral demands (being told I was a "bad boy" hurt my self-esteem, a wound from which I am still recovering)! How could you support the butchering of innocent conifers by vast, ravaging hordes of people intent on bringing in the "holiday spirit"? How could you support the murder of poor helpless unborn chickens who died so their Chi life force could be channeled into this "egg nog"?

(Note: even though it's wrong to kill unborn chickens, it's okay to kill unborn humans, because chickens can't convert to Christianity and violently rape our precious Gaia by voting Rethuglican.)

[Deathknyte]

So how long until all the for'ners are dead and I dont have to think about them anymore?

[Fascist Pig]

There is no way that many people died in 2 minutes, considering that the population of the world increases every year, and millions of people aren't born every minute. You fucking retard.

[spd rdr]

Wow, Larry! The Fascist Pig actually has a point. I borrowed my Mom's calculator and according to the figures you listed in your post, everybody on earth has starved to dead by now, including me. This is problematic because how could I be writing this comment if I am dead? Unless, of course, this is the "afterlife." But that isn't possible because we all know there is no afterlife, or if there was an afterlife it wouln't look so much like my mom's basement. So the figures must be wrong, I guess. Another of Bush's lies.

[Friend of USA]

" It only took Iron Guts Kerry four months to get his three Purple Hearts, plus a Bronze Star, and a Silver Star. Do the math: if Kerry had stuck around for 40 years, he'd have 3600 Purple Hearts, and 120 Bronze and Silver Stars "

From an "old" Liberal Larry post

And I say ;

Had Kerry been elected last November and given the chance to use his magical powers , a million-starving-children-a-second would have been saved and would also be able to name you hundreds of french wines and hundreds of french cheeses - in perfect accent-less french !

[lauraw]

*Pops the seal on the fridge and crawls out, bong in tow*

One thing I wanted to bring up about the homeless:
Republicans in office, they're all over the place. Democrats in office, they disappear again.

I mean, why do they throw down their briefcases, quit their cushy jobs, build a cardboard house, and lie in the gutter muttering to themselves when Democrats lose national elections?

My time in the fridge has given me a chance to think more deeply, while in a cold-induced vegetative state.
*giggle*
BROCCOLI, indeed!

I think...I really believe...that we have been looking at this homeless thing all wrong...we've been looking at it as the inevitable result of disastrous Repug trickle-down economics.

But what if all those people are severe P.E.S.T. sufferers? I mean, think about it guys...

*Uncontrollable shivering*

[lauraw]

*Loud teeth chattering*

[lauraw]

Unh...unnhhhhhhh

My skin, it's b-b-b-burning up.
*Convulsions*

*Friend of USA acts heroically, saves bong*

[Friend of USA]

Maybe instead of sending them to the dump we should send our old refrigirators to homeless people .

A shelter that smells of food...

Then it could become a coffin.

Just throwing ideas around...

[Friend of USA]

( blushing because of heroic reference...)

Lauraw ,have some of this herb ( wink wink ) and chicken noodle soup I made myself , you'll be back on your feet in no time.

Never mind the bong , we can build one with recycled plastic bottles and at the same time help save the planet.

[Liberal Larry]

Red Loser: "Larry, why do you keep calling this time of year "Christmas"?

You're right, and I'm sorry if I offended anyone. I renamed the post to better reflect a more diverse readership.

[Friend of USA]

Clever Larry !

[Friend of USA]

From the Kwanzaa information center ;

"By creating Kwanzaa, African-Americans sought to rectify the cultural and economic exploitation perpetrated against us during the months of October, November, and December (the Christmas season). During this season, corporate America typically ignored the quality of life concerns of African-Americans, yet encouraged participation in the commercialism of Christmas."

After better educating myself on the matter...

Larry , for your courage in making a difficult choice and mostly as a

White - Catholic - Capitalist - Canadian

I say from the bottom of my heart ;

THANK YOU !

[Red Loser]

Larry, you are a true gentleman/woman/transgendered individual.

(I know that you are a man, but I think it's important to learn nondiscrimination by force of habit.)

[lauraw]

*slowly wraps frozen paws around cup of hot soup*

Fanks.

We should invent a new holiday too.
*sip*

An alternative to Independence Day, which unfairly excludes non-jingoist/bourgeousie/tools from celebrations on July 4th.
*sip, toke*

Me and my little green friend may need to go back in the fridge to work this one out.
No, not the broccoli. My big toe.

[Stalin Lives In Boston]

Everyone on earth died of hunger twice in the time it took me to read all these posts.

Not necessarily due to the epidemic of starvation, but more because of the fact that I have trouble with silent vowels.

[Stalin Lives In Boston]

And while I was cleaning up the bong water I spilled on my poster of Michael Moore shitting on and burning the American flag at Ground Zero, I had an epiphany...

If you simply crop out the whole first part of the starvation chart Larry made that has the musicians on it, you'll realize that starvation actually BEGAN with Shrub. It's not that it abated before he was in office, it's that he created and fostered worldwide hunger all on his own. Shrub is the alpha-omega of emaciated children.

He's so devilishly clever in a moronic, missing link kind of way!

Now I just need to find a cleaner that can remove bong water from my poster. I don't wanna stain the part where Big Mike pinches the turtle head off on the flag...