An Open Letter to Susan Sontag George Carlin

Dear Mr. Carlin,

I see you've checked yourself into rehab, so you might not have heard the horrible news: a majority of the troops actually support the war in Iraq. Of course, they're uneducated idiots who joined the military because they couldn't get into college, but for crying out loud - they get CNN and the New York Times over there, don't they? Haven't they read a single Maureen Dowd column? Don't they know that they're trapped in a bottomless sinkhole of carnage?

George - may I call you "George"? We need to bring down the curtain and expose the right-wing media's lies for all the troops to see. We need to cut through the addictive opiate of morale and awaken the soldiers to the REAL TRUTH before they can poison anyone else with their naive optimism.

That's why I'm rallying as many progressive celebrities as I can and putting together an entertainment extravaganza in the fashion of Bob Hope's old USO tours - only with less Hope and more cold, hard reality. I've got it all planned out in my head, George. First, you come out and slay 'em with your hilarious Rockets and Penises in the Persian Gulf bit. It's a little dated, but it'll have them rolling in the aisles. After you tell the troops that they're all a bunch of morons who kill people because they're insecure about the size of their penises, Susan Sontag Bill Maher will strut out and call them cowards. Then Michael Moore will introduce a special showing of Fahrenheit 9/11, and Ted Rall will draw some funny cartoons - I know a few Army Rangers who would love to meet Ted, should he sign onto the project. And since Susan "Boom Boom" Sontag is gone, we'll get Rosie O'Donnell or Janeane Garafolo to do the cheesecake routine. If that doesn't take the mickey out of the troops faster than potassium nitrate, nothing will.

I understand that you technically don't perform "comedy" anymore, at least not the way you did in the 70's when people did alot of drugs and actually thought you were funny. With muppets on Sesame Street spewing profanities at the drop of a hat, the Seven Dirty Words have lost their shock value. Even your Vegas crowds have dwindled to a few blue-haired old bitties who mistake you for Foster Brooks and think the beligerent drunk routine is just an act. Still, your new, pedantic style of humor may be just what the troops need to wake up out of their jingoist, right-wing media induced stupor - even if lesser minds see it as simply the demented ramblings of a bitter old has-been. That's why you were my first choice to headline this important event. Well, second choice until Bush snuffed out Boom Boom.

The country needs you, George. The troops need you. I need you. So give me a call when the giant lizards go away and they let you out of the Shining Time Drunk Tank.

Comments

[aelfheld]

Let me get this straight.

You intend to send the curdled cream of the entertainment wing of the Progressive movement to stand in front of a large contingent of young men with short tempers and long rifles?

Could you please arrange to have it shown on CNN? Or the Hunting Channel? I don't think I want to miss the fireworks.

[Liberal Larry]

You're wrong. Al Franken has been to Iraq, Afghanistan and Bosnia on several USO tours, and he never gets beaten up. Of course, he never says the things there that he says here, but that's exactly why we need to send George Carlin. Unlike Franken, he won't be afraid to get on a stepladder, look a grunt in the eye and say, "You're dick-waving moron who kills brown people for fun."

[Ry]

Susan Sontag???

NO! Can't be!!

I loved her in "Bull Durham."

[Cricket]

Could you also send Barbra Streisand and Alan Alda? If anyone knows about war, he does. He refought the Korean War for ten long years with the social dilemma of the week, proving beyond the shadow of a doubt that if the right people are in charge, you can write your way out of anything and that the truth doesn't matter.

[Liberal Larry]

And he can take Mike Farrell with him. They both starred in a TV series taped in part of Southern California that resembles Korea. If anyone knows about the horrors of war, it's the cast of MASH. Except for Father Mulcahy, who was only there to convert the brown-skinned people.

[Friend of USA]

I click on the susan boum boum sontag link and then on the back button...
I click on the susan boum boum sontag link and then on the back button...
I click on the susan boum boum sontag link and then on the back button...
I click on the susan boum boum sontag link and then on the back button...

Groovy !

[Friend of USA]

If nobody knows when or where mother earth might strike next time , Why would I feel guilty living it up using precious resources ?

I think I'll go buy a big gas guzzling SUV because who knows , maybe next week Canada will vanish under sea or something...

Smoke'em if you got'em...

[Liberal Larry]

Sontag's influence on modern culture is unquestionable. When she wrote that "What is the most beautiful in virile men is something feminine; what is most beautiful in feminine women is something masculine," thousands of lonely women stopped shaving their armpits and took to belching loudly at singles bars.

[Bug's Butt]

Simply love your idea.

[Reichpublican Stormtrooper]

But Larry, Carlin has hours of material bashing feminists and environmentalists! How can you possibly invite him?

[Cricket]

Because Carlin will deliver Sontag's eulogy.

[Stalin Lives In Boston]

i'm really drunk and i plan on continuing dr9nking until there is no more drining left todo. here's to two pitchers down asnd many more to go til the nmwew year.

[college book store athens oh]

Google Stillstand? Seit gut einer Woche taucht kein einziger Artikel, den wir schreiben, in den Index aufgenommen. Hat jemand ahnliche Erfahrungen? Normalerweise dauert das nur 1-2 Tage bis Google die Artikel im Index auffuhrt. Gehts es anderen auch so?

[candy bouquet franchise]

People are less moral than 30 years ago

[bed frame poster]

Sex offenders should be, should not be castrated

[2007 garden home show tacoma]

I've just been staying at home doing nothing, but pfft. Today was a total loss, but oh well. I've pretty much been doing nothing worth mentioning.

[teenbreastreduction]

It is never okay to lie, sometimes okay to lie

[sleepsins]

Women are not, are fairly portrayed in the media