What are Morals?

What are morals? Ah! The conundrum of the ages, the answer elluding great thinkers from Socrates to Melanie Griffith. A relative term, no one can truly define "morality", nor suffer from the lack of it. Still, 59 million ignorant sheep insist Bush has "morals" and voted to have him impose them on everyone else. Like a mutant virus, these "morals" are spreading across the country, turning blue states into red and throwing America back to a dark age of religious inquisitions, witch-burnings, fidelity and virtue. I thought the Sixties had brought us past such primitive concepts, but it appears the religious right's siren call of "family values" have lured the peabrained hordes away from us once again.

As I usually do when I find myself teetering on the edge of an emotional breakdown, I turned to morning talk shows for guidance.

Today was my first stop. Unfortunately, Matt Lauer was still trying to coax a despondent Katie Couric down from the rafters, so I switched the channel over to Good Morning America.

"The results are in, and America voted for 'morals' this election," Diane Sawyer sighed wistfully. "But what exactly ARE these so-called 'morals' we've heard so much about?"

Charles Gibson, still giddy over the previous "How's Your Gaydar?" segment, had no answer. So Diane turned to Dr. Peter K. Platz, primatologist and author of the bestselling book, Morals: WMD's in the Christian Jihad Against Our Freedoms".

As Platz revealed in his book, "morality" is actually a right-wing code word for "intolerance".

"If we take one of George Bush's speeches, for example," he told Diane, "and replace every mention of 'God' or 'faith' or 'family values' with phrases like 'Jesus hates fags' or 'Kill the abortionists', it paints a very different picture from what the Evangelicals want the American people to believe about their extremist agenda."

"Surely," Diane asked incredulously, "you aren't suggesting that the religious-right encourages violence against homosexuals?"

"In a recent study at Evergreen State College," Platz explained, "we sat several so-called 'christian conservative families' in a room under the pretense that there would be a free screening of Spongebob Squarepants. Instead, we presented a series of gay porno films from the late 70's. Sensors attached to the subjects registered alarming levels of discomfort. Several participants displayed an almost simian instinct to protect their young - shielding their children's eyes from the screen or even threatening the projectionist with physical harm. Apparently, the Christian concept of 'brotherly love' doesn't extend to people who practice it physically."

Diane touched her pen to her lips, her trademark sign that the guest has just said something deeply profound.

"Is there any correlation between these so-called "morals" and strange, pointy-buildings that many conservatives are seen entering on Sundays?" she asked.

"Excellent question, Diane," Platz replied. "These tax-exempt havens for child pedophiles - or "churches," as they are called - have sprung up all over the country in flagrant defiance of the long-established separation between church and state. While those who profess to believe in morals often claim to have found them in a 'church', or a 'synagogue', many people who have never been inside a pointy building still have an unhealthy aversion to sodomy. However, it's the church-goers that pose the greatest threat to our democracy, which is exactly why the Founding Fathers wrote the First amendment banning religion."

"But what about those other buildings?" Diane pressed him. "The pretty ones with the big dome at the top. What kind of threat do they pose to our civil liberties?"

"Mosques? Oh, they're harmless," Platz replied. "Islam is a religion of peace. Of course, there are a few bad apples, but they typically vote democrat so their hearts are in the right place."

"Fascinating," she purred. "Can religious intolerance also be to blame for the GOP's barbaric war against a Woman's Right to Choose?"

"Absolutely, Diane," Platz answered. "Intolerance, bred by ignorance. I surveyed over one hundred so-called 'Born-Again Christian' women for my book and learned that an overwhelming majority of them have never visited Europe, never enjoyed lesbian sex with a college roomate, and have never even exercised their Right to Choose. Oddly, they feel qualified to criticize a more open-minded, wordly young womyn who has had 5 abortions by the time she's 17. They fanatically sermonize against partial-birth abortion and stem cell research, yet they have no problem with a president who violates their sacred First Commandment by massacring innocent children in Iraq."

"Do as I say, not as I do," Diane concluded.

"Indeed," Platz replied. "While Christ preached the Golden Rule and 'Love Thy Neighbor', the so-called 'moral majority' seems to posess an almost satanic hatred of those who are different than them - people who don't strictly adhere to their crazy, monkey-world idea of 'morality'. In place of the open, free society we enjoyed before Bush stole the office, these backwards, evangelical inhabitants of the red states seek to install an extremist Christian theocracy where gays are unwelcome, women are forced at gunpoint to carry their unwanted fetuses to term, and Kevin Bacon is strictly forbidden to dance."

Gasps filled the set. Grips dropped their tools in shock and cameramen fell out of their seats.

Obviously flustered, Diane managed to maintain her composure and ask Platz one finally question.

"This country is more divided than ever," she said. "But aside from mocking their religious beliefs and portraying them all as a bunch of superstitious, inbred chimps, how can democrats bridge the divide and win their 'hearts and minds,' so to speak?"

Platz clasped his hands together thoughtfully. "The key, Diane, is to turn Americans away from the zealotry of organized religion and towards a loving Father in the form of a federal government which will nurture them and satisfy all their wants and needs. As long as they believe that "morality" is dispensed by an all-knowing entity other than the state, they'll never vote for Hillary in '08."

"Hey, that rhymes!" Diane giggled before thanking Dr. Platz and breaking for a commercial.

"Next up, get out your holiday wishlists," she chirped, "because the cast of Sex in the City will join us with their picks for what's HOT and what's NOT in this year's line of marital aids."

So, what are morals? In the end, the GMA piece raised more questions than answers. However, thanks to work from enlightened progressives like Dr. Platz, we know now that morals don't come from a pulpit, or from some musty old book, or the words of an overbearing father. As Christ was trying to say in his autobiography, morals are in the whisper of the trees, or the scent of wildflowers in springtime, or the sparkle in a child's eyes, or in the sexy way Diane Sawyer leans forward ever so slightly to give her devoted fans a glimpse of her fantastic cleavage. In truth, we're all God's creatures, and He loves us no matter what.

Comments

[Supernatural Rabbit Scribe]

"If we take one of George Bush's speeches, for example," he told Diane, "and replace every mention of 'God' or 'faith' or 'family values' with phrases like 'Jesus hates fags' or 'Kill the abortionists', it paints a very different picture from what the Evangelicals want the American people to believe about their extremist agenda."

Can't argue with that...

[Kool-Aid Drinker's Domestic Partner]

"In truth, we're all God's creatures, and He loves us no matter what."

Well, I'm sure He would, if He existed. Which He doesn't.

He told me so Himself just now.

(passes the bong)

[Bonnie]

(takes a hit)

Morals are like, what you want them to be, man. My morals may be different than yours, but that doesn't mean they're wrong. Your morals are right for you, my morals are right for me. We're all gonna go up to the big fairyland in the sky. You just have to let go of the confines of this planet and remember that you are a celestial body. Who says I can't run around topless? My moral code says it's okay. And anyone with different morals shouldn't be offended. If they are, they are obviously encumbered by an attachment to this material world. A little hit from the bong should loosen them up. And if they refuse, my moral code says the earth must be at peace and anyone impeding my peace should be discarded. So I can help them relinquish this attachment to the material world by exterminating their physical body. They should not object because it is the Spirit that really matters...

ah... the world is so beautiful... just hang on to your morals, man... don't let anyone try to stifle your spirit... find your own way...

(passes the bong)

[Ash Grove]

Here's another thing I hate about these moralizing chimps. I am so sick of hearing that only the jack-boot, right-wing christian repugs love their country while secular, liberal Democrats hate America. It is exactly this kind of self-righteous, arrogant moral posturing that makes this country the greatest evil in the history of mankind with its foul McCulture and jingoistic military wreaking havoc around the globe!

[Amber]

So if Islamic law strictly forbids homosexuality and promiscuity, that's ok? I'm so confused...

[JannyMae]

Yes, Amber, it is confusing. We are to ignore those proscriptions of Islam, as we are to ignore the forced abortion policies in China (where is the, "choice," there?) After all, the liberal agenda trumps everything. Just ask Barbra Streisand! Here, Amber, take this bong...then everything will become clearer (more muddy?).

[Kool-Aid Drinker's Domestic Partner]

It's like Bonnie says, homosexuality and promiscuity are wrong for Muslims. But they're perfectly okay for, say, members of boy bands.

[Sane]

"enjoyed lesbian sex with a college roomate"

Wow, that could give even a right-wing fundamentalist a boner.

[Cricket]

(gets bong, takes a hit)

Oooooooohh yeah. I am like, so aware of what we need to do to get rid of the right wing horde. Eject them into space to become One with the Universal Divine. Their corporeal matter will disintegrate and become Matter.

Then like, another Big Bang will happen you know, and the whole evolutionary process will like, you know, happen all over again and WOW they will have a chance to complete their training by becoming carnate once again and working out their karma. And then they will have another chance to vote for Kerry's reincarnation too.

That's deep man. Really deep.

[Maria in Iowa]

Oh no. I feel terrible. I let down Melanie Griffith. I had no idea she wanted me to vote for John Kerry!

*sob*

How can I ever make it up to her, you think?

[Vishnu Troll Daddy Earth Goddess]

This is why, so long as Bu$Hitler is in charge, I support the draft. Shrub will make sure that his Aryan stormtroopers are free of gays and GaiaEarthMother's Muslim friends. And the chimp will continue to send his shocktroops to die in far away lands. So logically, a draft, a war, and a discriminatory service sends the most bigoted and hateful white male kristjian oppressors far away, likely to be removed from the gene pool, and, by attrition, eventually turning red states back to blue. Hopefully, this trend will continue enough to ensure that our Saviour, Hillary Rodham (Clinton), is not only elected in 2008, but carries enough of the vote, say, a clear majority, perhaps even with some gains in the Congress, to finally heal the divide among our two nations with a real mandate for change.

[aelfheld]

"In truth, we're all God's creatures, and He loves us no matter what."

But in your case he has to work at it.

[J at TAotB]

(takes bong from Cricket who's bogarting, takes a hit)

"But aside from mocking their religious beliefs and portraying them all as a bunch of superstitious, inbred chimps . . . ."

Classic, dude.

(passes the bong)

[Crickt]

Oh Wow, dude. Sorry about the bogarting. Won't happen again, but I was trippin' on that fine riff and sort of got lost. You are so totally right.

Have some Nacho Doritos? I also brought some brownies with cream cheese frosting and beef jerky for the munchies.

[Impaled Professor]

This is why I love ABC, it really is fair and balenced. They present both sides of the issue. Dr. Platz took the time to carefully explain the primative mindset of those inbred loosers. This is opposed to Fox and Friends, whose entire program this morning was a instructional video on lynching and gay bashing.

[E-Babe]

Since I hate the smell of bong water, I am going to fire up a doobie to share. (NO FISH-LIPPING!) So, what those right-wing wackos need to get clued into is this: Pro-choice is our stance when it comes to getting rid of those pesky little humans, but we are anti-choice when it comes to educating them. Can you believe they actually want VOUCHERS to allow them to have a choice in education!?! They'll be sending their kids off to Christian schools and indoctrinating them even more. We need to fight to keep them in our wordly, enlightened government institutions so they'll hear the real truths that private schools don't teach: they are really evolved apes, all of our white, male forefathers were rapists and liars, socialism is the "fairest" way to live and global warming is going to melt the planet in a few short years thanks to the greedy, rich capitalists. I wish these ignorant slobs would get a clue!

[Kool-Aid Drinker's Domestic Partner]

Hey, where'd the bong go? Jatto -- uh, Juh -- um, whatever the hell your name is. Quit making out with the bong, man. Send it back over here.

I got some great Organic Oregonian for the next round, but I gotta have first hit, you know what I'm saying?

[Bonnie]

(double-hits both joint and bong)

What we really need is to start a system of communes where everyone has their basic needs met by the collective majority. Oh, far out, man, think about it! The power of the collective cosmic consciousness would create a beam of light energy shining out from the planet. Earth would be a beacon of hope and light and love to all other planets. Oh, my God, I am so stoned...

(drops the bong, spilling the water and the weed. Passes the crumbling, soggy fish-lipped joint.)

[Cricket]

Bonnie, I am passing on the fish lipped roach and refilling the bong with spring water from Galadriel's
Mirror. It will help with the mind's true liberation.

Man, like a flash of total light, there is just like this so totally cool thing government has to do. Protect kids from their parents. Sending them to school is one way, as well as after school enrichment programs and 24 hour day care centers. That way man, if you have the baby,
the state will take care of everything and the dudes can find themselves. It will be so totally liberating.

These communes would be put in like where the housing projects used to be and would so totally be one and united. We would be safe, man. We would be home, and the collective majority can pick up the tab.

*passing the bong*

[JannyMae]

Deep, Cricket, deep. Inhale. *passes the bong*

[JannyMae]

Cough, cough, wheeze, cough...forgot to exhale....

[Bonnie]

(bypasses the bong, stoned out of her gourd)

CRICKET! you should run for president... we have to protect the Children from their oppressive parents... In my commune, all children would be dedicated to the state at age 2... Then, state-appointed gurus, or "Ministers of Mind-growth," would take over the training of these fresh young minds... Children would be taught to think for themselves so they could realize that their parents are to blame for all their problems and the state is the One True Way... Parents who don't voluntarily dedicate their children would be sent to Re-alignment centers where they would recieve patriotism counseling and brother-love therapy to help them realize that the needs of the state come before their petty parental instincts... oh, wow... an end to war... an end to hate... an end to my neighbors having that bad-*$$ Hummer while I'm still driving a crumby Corrolla... Utopia at last...

[lauraw]

Fer cryin' out loud... you people been partying for a solid week.

Wake up! Take a shower already.
WHAT. IS. THAT. SMELL.

[Kool-Aid Drinker's Domestic Partner]

Oops. Sorry.

[Crickt]

Lauraw,
We have not been partying. We have been *takes a hit from the bong and passes* having like, you know, brain storm sessions for validating Kerry and the Tin Hat people. Kerry wants to do our thinking for us and the Tin Hats want to do our thinking for us, so this is the next great synthesis.

Or do the Tin Hats think for themselves? I am so confused. *yawn* time to get some french fried pepperoni pizza and a Lemonade.

'Night