There'll Be Time Enough for Recountin', When the Recountin's Done

Well, I'm done voting, even though I had to stand in line for an hour. To encourage younger, more liberal voters to turn out for the elections, my polling center was actually at the local methadone clinic, right smack across the street from the needle exchange. I don't want to raise any premature hopes, but the line stretched all the way down the street and around the corner, and not a single person looked like they'd slept in four days. If the rest of the country experiences such a high turnout of progressive voters, then I think we might have this one in the bag.

Thankfully, I wasn't attacked by gangs of rampaging Christians, but the heat was indeed on. The local elections board was fearful that the repugs might resort to violence to keep democrats from voting, so they requested a large police presence. However, in order to avoid frightening off any voters who might have outstanding warrants, the cops all wore less intimidating bunny suits and handed out lollipops. King County Sheriff Dave Reichert and Seattle Police Chief Gil Kerlikowske were on hand to insure that there were no shenanigans, and I'll credit them for keeping their fascist opression down to a dull roar. There was a seriously tense moment when a uniformed officer and a sailor showed up to vote, but everyone breathed a sigh of relief when they stripped off their clothes and broke into song.

"My Milkshake brings all the boys to the yard,
And they're like "It's better than yours"
Damn right, It's better than yours,
I can teach you, but I'll have to charge!"

Chalk up two more votes for John Kerry!

UPDATE: I guess I spoke too soon. The news is already reporting voting problems across the state. In Jim McDermott's 7th district, they've counted 383 votes for Joseph Stalin. That's not too suprising, until you consider that Stalin got ten times that many votes in 2000.
Reichpublican lawyers are already throwing a hissy, insisting that they shouldn't even be counting votes until the polls close in two hours. What are they afraid of?

UPDATE: Some electronic voting machines on Mercer Island have been registering votes for George Bush when people press the "George Bush" button on the screen. Mechanics are on the way and will hopefully correct the problem before the polls close.

UPDATE: They just had a voter on the news who said that when he filled in the little circle for John Kerry on the ballot, his leg twitched. He re-filled it in four times and experienced the same, odd sensation before he realized that he wasn't even at the polls, but at home scribbling on his thigh.

UPDATE: 7:30 pm PST. No sweat. Not all the precincts are in yet. I'm feeling pretty confident. Aren't you guys?

UPDATE: 8:15 pm PST. Okay, it's 199 Bush to 188 Kerry. Kerry's starting to gain on the Shrub. They call him the Comeback Kid, and he's comin' back!

UPDATE: 9:30 Bush 246, Kerry 207. Not bad. Still within comeback range. Filling bong with Draino just in case.

UPDATE: Okay, it looks like we pretty much have this thing in the bag. What a wild race, huh? Congratulations, President-elect Kerry. Whew. I'm um...I'm going to grab some razor blades and hop into the bathtub, and I'll see you guys in the morning.

Comments

[Vishnu Troll Daddy Earth Goddess]

We won Vermont! We're suing in Indiana, Kentucky, and Georgia!

[bahabuddha™]

I'm going to extrapolate and declare a 47 state romp.. Hooboy - there won't be anyone left to defend Michael Jackson :(

[JannyMae]

Only 383 votes for Joseph Stalin? Something is definitely rotten in Denmark!

[bahabuddha™]

What's up with Michigan? I thought that was Bin Laden country?

[JannyMae]

Wait awhile, it's turning blue...

[Bad Commie]

ooopsie, hitler won again. Damn, how come the uber powerful fascist always wins?

[Back hiding under the bathroom sink]

Guess it's back under here for 4 years.

Should've brought some munchies..

[Vishnu Troll Daddy Earth Goddess]

We'll sue them in Alabama! And then we'll sue them in Alaska! And we'll sue them in Arizona, and Arkansas, and on to Colorado! We'll sue them in Connecticutt, Delaware, no wait, we won those... and we then we'll sue them in Florida, and Georgia, and and and YEEEEEAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!

[Moonchild]

This is a bad trip, Mr. Anderson. You should have taken the blue pill.

[Cheney W. Halliburton]

<evil, maniacal cackle>

<hic!>

[Cricket]

Kerry wants a recount in Ohio...he will leaveno ballot on turned, no chad
pregnant and he hopes that in the ensuing count he will find his 'manhood.

[Impaled Professor]

It looks like the right wing fascists and their fire hoses did manage to disinfranchise like its going out of style. There is still hope! We can sue every Bush voter for flushing our country down the drain. I'm sure that there has to be some kind of precedent for that. After all we have a professional lawyer on our ticket, that has to help.

[Cricket]

I saw that professional lawyer bare his fangs and lick his chops over Ohio. Looks like he has been put on a starvation diet.

GO BUSH!!! FOUR MORE YEARS!!!!

[Mike]

Cool. I guess we can look forward to having this site for four more years.

[Dougster]

What a blow out, we kicked RepubliKKKan ass and took New Hampshire back! It was worth the Whitehouse, two House and a Senate seat!!! What a great American Tom Dashel is for taking one for the team!

[Starbucks=Corprate Terror]

I was listening to Air America this morning, and I learned that the voting machines in New Mexico are programmed to "spit out" the votes of Hispanics. That would explain a lot. Also, I think the Diebold touchscreen voting machines were programmed to delete the votes of African-Americans.

The good news in this travesty is that we'll have Larry's web site around for another four.

[JannyMae]

Larry, old buddy, my condolences. The upside of the defeat of Senator Kerry, is that you will have this website for four more years. Had Kerry won, you would have had to change it to, "BlameKerry," and then you would have had to do satire! Whew! That was close!

[JannyMae]

Hey, Cheney, are you gonna share that scotch, or not? *buuurp*

[Kneave Riggall]

Four more years!
Four more years!
Thanks, Larry for a great website!
Keep up the good work.
Four more years!

[aelfheld]

In this time of darkness and despair, I'd like to offer my condolences.

I'd like to, but I can't.

I'm laughing too d----d hard.

[BarCodeKing]

Well, Larry, looks like you're still in business for "four more years"! Enjoy!

[Vishnu Troll Daddy Earth Goddess]

Larry,

We thought we were motivated before. We thought we were getting the job done. Now, we see that the diabolical powers of Bu$Hitler, Halliburton, KKKarl Rove, Ass-Cross, and the vast right wing conspiracy have come together to give the repugniKKKans 4 more years. You know what this means:

We have 4 more years of hard work ahead of us. Even as I type this, jackbooted thugs of the Ass-Cross junta are out there destroying provisional ballots and spinning their web of lies to make AmeriKKKa think Shrub has a "mandate." Nothing could be further from the truth.

We are still a bitterly divided nation, where half the population agrees that it was wrong for Chimp to kill millions of innocent Afghans and Iraqis in his quest to line the oil coffers of his Texas chums.

We still have lost jobs under this (s)elected President, the first time since Herbert Hoover.

We have lost all credibility with the international community for going to Iraq alone, with no allies other than the bribed and coerced.

We have failed to join with the majority of nations in supporting the Kyoto protocols to end the wonton destruction of our precious Gaia Earth Mother.

At least we still have enough Senate seats to keep Moron and co. from replacing our wise and venerable Supreme Court Justices with the likes of Orrin Hatch!

And now, the path is laid for the foundations of a Bush dynasty, as baby brother Jeb is the clear front-runner to ascend to the throne of ameriKKKan power in 2008.

WE. MUST. STOP. THIS.

So now we must do three things:

1) Spend the next four years continuing to tear down Bu$Hitler, revealing him to be the illegitimate coke-snorting, drunk-driving, AWOL deserter, stupid, spoiled, daddy's boy, flight-suit-wearing, chimp-looking, Hitleresque thug that he is. We must remind readers daily that the redneck hillbilly hick can't even pronounce nuclear. NEW KLEE ER.

2) Spend the next four years attacking Jeb. This should be easy. He is a baby, for crying out loud. And you think the spouses of Kerry and Edwards left us wanting a little? Check out Jeb's dunce of a wife. And his son. What a tool! He's like Ricky Martin without the dance moves. Idiot Jeb is worse than an AWOL deserter. He didn't even fly a fighter jet. And you thought Shrub was unqualified as only a 6 year Texas gov? Hell, Jeb has only been gov of FLORIDUH--and used his power there to accomplish only one thing: counting the "votes" for Chimp in 2000. Janet Reno would have made a much better governor.

3) Endorse Hillary NOW. We had the right idea with Howard Dean. We thought then, correctly as it now turns out, that crowning a saviour early on would be a good idea. If we had the courage of our convictions then, Dean would have been on the ticket, and he would have won this election. In the end, Kerry was just not enough of a contrast to Bu$Hitler among the undecided independant swing voters. I concede that it was a mistake to let Kerry try wooing the middle by pretending to take a tough stance on the war on terror and dethroning Saddam. Clearly, the Democrat base wanted a more liberal candidate, while at the same time, the middle wanted more clarity as to why our candidate was better than theirs. The best way to reverse the damage we did in dumping Dean is to reach out to Hillary Rodham Clinton, who be the saviour of our party. Giving her unconditional support early on, then sticking with her when the dirt begins to fly in the primaries, is our best strategy.

That is our plan.

Ridicule Shrub.

Ridicule Jeb. (we need to find a good derogatory nickname for him--ideas?)

Throw all our hopes and dreams behind Hillary, and accept no other choice to be our flag bearer.

I have mediated upon these truths, and found Gaia smiling.

[Cheney W. Halliburton]

Jeb is why my daughter is a lesbian.

(Did I say that out loud?)

Here, Janny, you better take this bottle. I have to go give a speech or something.

[JannyMae]

Wow, thanks Cheney! Hey, wait, this isn't 18 year old scotch, it's Rumplemintz! Eeeeuw, yecch, bleucch! Man, you'd think you you'd fork over some of the good stuff, after clonking me on the head yesterday and dragging me into that voting booth. I have been converted to Bush, thanks to you! That bump on the head has reduced me to a staunch, blithering, blathering, conservative. I hope you're satisfied!

[Faith]

Today it is a very dark day here in Seattle, and I am not referring to the weather.