Be at Peace, Brave Soldier

Before I begin my eulogy for this great man, I'd like to ask my conservative readers to please refrain from making any disrespectful, snarky remarks. We were polite and held our tongues when your great hero, Ronald Raygun, kicked the bucket. You could at least do the same for us in our time of mourning.

The first time I heard of Yassir Arafat, he was merely a punchline in Johnny Carson's "Karnac the Magnificent" sketch: "Describe the sound of an obese man squeezing into a girdle. Yassir Arrrrrafat!" I knew then that Arafat was destined for greatness. From his humble beginnings as a railsplitter in Jordan, to his days as a small town lawyer in Springfield, Illinois, he charmed us all and won our hearts. Now, the festering, bulbuous head of the Palestinian Labor Organization is gone, and the world mourns the passing of this heroic powerful human symbol.

Like Martin Luther King, Jr., Yassir Arafat was a man with a dream. A dream that he was back in high school, walking around in his underwear. Then he was falling, and there were some squirrels, and that's all he remembered. But from that dream was born a vision: a vision of an independent Palestine free from Zionist agression. Throughout his life, he watched with dismay as an ameobalike Israeli Empire gobbled up a chunk of the Middle East half the size of Rhode Island. The William Wallace of our time, Arafat fought for a homeland where his people could worship as they please, without fear or reprisal. Yet even in the face of adversity, he reached out to his Jewish neighbors, sending emisaries deep into enemy territory to spread peace and goodwill. All to often, it was the emisaries themselves who were spread across a large area, returning home in sandwich bags and shoeboxes.

With no known cure, Spontaneous Human Explosion claims the lives of 7 out of every 9 Palestinians each year. Symptoms include profuse sweating in Jewish delis, smoke pouring from the trousers while riding the bus, and the mysterious appearance of large amounts of explosives strapped to your chest. Much like AIDS victims in our own country, sufferers of Spontaneous Human Explosion face ridicule and intolerance from their own friends and neighbors. We've all seen how Israel flies off the handle and retaliates violently whenever a schoolbus explodes, scattering body parts of little Jewish children over a two block radius. Without wasrning, Israeli tanks and Bulldozers plow through Palestinian refugee camps, baby milk factories, and puppy farms. It was this neverending cycle of violence that Yassir Arafat worked so hard to end.

While his detractors portrayed him as a dangerous religious fanatic with a messianic complex, Yassir Arafat was no John Ashcroft. On the contrary, he earned his Nobel Peace Prize by standing shoulder to shoulder with Osama Bin Laden to find common ground with the people he affectionately referred to as "vermin" who should be "butchered and killed". But time and time again, Israel threw away the Roadmap to Peace. In the end, Arafat was confined to his small, one-bedroom apartment in Ramallah, not even permitted to enjoy a game of LaCrosse with his dear friend, Jacques Chirac.

Although he never gave up hope of winning his freedom, there'd be no parole for the Palestinian Mandela. After two years of solitary confinement, he fell mysteriously ill. One day he was fit as a fiddle, the next, he's Sonny Von Bulow. I know this is going to blow the doors right off your Volvo, but I suspect that Bush may have had something to do with it. No, don't try to argue with me, I've researched this extensively. After all, Bush never once invited Arafat to Camp David or showered him with love and affection like his predecessors did. But I digress - there will be time for holding Bush accountable later. As I was telling a crazy old geezer in an American Legion uniform this morning, this is a day to honor and reflect upon the sacrifice of this great hero.

Alas, Yassir Arafat now walks with the martyrs in the afterlife. But while the last, best hope of a Beatles reunion dies with him, his dream of a free Palestine lives on.

"Today I have come bearing an olive branch and a freedom fighter's gun.
Do not let the olive branch fall from my hand."
— Nov. 13, 1974, speech to U.N. General Assembly.

Comments

[Impaled Professor]

I think it is very fitting that Yassir Arafat died on Veteran's Day. His efforts running the great peacefull PLO are just what we need to admire. This is in stark contrast to the hateful violence propagated against innocent civilians by the dastardly Neo-Cons. He was a true example of a man who stood against all terrorism, except Spontaneous Human Explosion Syndrome, which isn't really terrorism, and is probably caused by Haliburton.

[Pile On®]

Rightwing nutjobs so quickly forget the vsionary leadership Yassir provided in the areas of airline safety, security at the olympic games and boating safety for those bound to wheelchairs.. Not to mention his advancements in education, from him we learned how important early education is to getting young people to devote themselves to the cause of world peace.

[Liberal Larry]

Not only that, but he was the best damn drummer in the history of rock n' roll.

[Vishnu Troll Daddy Earth Goddess]

Jews broke up the Beatles. And had it not been for the wrongheaded policies of the Bu$Hitler administration, then stem cell research could have saved Arafat's life. It certainly is noteworthy that Arafat died on Veterans Day, an illegitimate artifical manufactured holiday created by the military-industrial complex in a manner reminiscent of Ghengis Khan.

[Liberal Larry]

That's JINJUS Khan.

[Pile On®]

I can't beleive I left this out, his contribution to saturday morning childrens tv with that educational yet delightfully entertaining show about the train engine. Good stuff.

[Charlie Watts]

Let's not get bloody (no pun intended) carried away here.

[aelfheld]

Now I know you're a complete loony.

John Henry Bonham was and is the best drummer ever to lay down a backbeat.

[Laban Tall]

Your sombre portrait is a fitting tribute to a man who devoted his declining years and increasing bank account to funding research into Spontaneous Human Explosion.

Thanks to what he has done, we are all that much safer tonight.

[Moonchild]

I don't want to sound self-absorbed, but I've always blamed Arafat for taking away my GAIA-given right to air travel. Before S.H.E., I could walk on an airplane with all kinds of stuff shoved in my underwear. Then Israel and the U.S. got all uptight, and they started invading my aura space with sniffing dogs and homoerotic and homophobic "security" frisks. So, I now have to drive to Mexico. However, I do want to express my solidarity with Arafat because blessed are the peacemakers, no matter how dangerous and inconvienient they made things for me.

[spd rdr]

Sh*t!
Ringo's dead?
Then who's gonna play drums on Arafat's grave?

[JannyMae]

I'm sorry, but as a new right winger, courtesy of that bump on the head from Cheney, I can not restrain myself from making a, "disrespectful, snarky, remark." Not only is this guy far from the best drummer, he's ugly, and his mother dresses him funny. And George Carlin was a MUCH better conductor on Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends!

[JannyMae]

Oh, and spd rdr, I wll b hppy t ply drms n hs grv!

[Kool-Aid Drinker's Domestic Partner]

"Not only that, but he was the best damn drummer in the history of rock n' roll."

Whoa. I thought Keith Moon was already dead. You mean he just faked his death back in '78 so he could champion the cause of anti-Zionism?

Cooooooool! I'll never hear "I Can See for Miles" the same way again!

[Shy Person]

Here's a suggestion: Each time someone starts talking about how "great" Arafat was, immediately start singing and disco-dancing:

"MACHO, MACHO MAN! I WANT TO BE A MACHO MAN..."

Or sing "YMCA". Not that there's anything wrong with THAT. Honestly.

[Calliope]

At least he has his 72 virgins:

http://tonova.typepad.com/thesuddencurve/images/72virgins_1.JPG

[Mad as Hell About Recount 2000]

One of the greatest tributes to the Honorable Mr. Arafat is that he was a great survivor. Survivor of Mossad attacks in the 1970's; survivor of the Israeli Army's murderous attacks on Beirut in 1982; survivor of the Jordanian scourges of PLO officers and troops; survivor of numerous attempts to wrest control of the PLO by "moderate" Jew-lovers.

Yet one monolith was able to bring Yassir down. Fifteen minutes in the French socialized medical system and he slips into an irreversible coma, never to return. Is there any doubt, that had he gone to Cedar Sinai (Jews again!) he would be blowing up buses in Tel Aviv or pizza parlors in the occupied territories?

Damn the French! Damn them all to hell!!

[Mourning dove]

My cousin, the white dove of peace, is looking forward to crapping all over Arafat's grave. How satisfying that will be, to defile the grave of this terrorist! Sweet! I wish I could be there, too!

[Cheney W. Halliburton]

Dove, don't bother. Crap deserves better than to be dropped on Arafat's grave.

[zenbone]

What a beautiful eulogy! I found myself spontaneously weeping throughout and broke out sobbing in the last paragraph when the harsh reality sunk in that my dream of a Beatles reunion has come to an end.

Alas!

Arafat was great — a murderer and composer. Of course, he had to compete with two geniuses, Lennon and McCartney, but he held his own. He roared like a tiger while his bodyguards yelped like hyenas.

When unresolvable issues of conformance with the Kashrut authorities of Kiryat Ono caused their break-up, Arafat showed he could do it on his own with his monumental "All Things Pass Gas".

[Mark]

Wow. Ronald Reagan and Ringo Starr in the same paragraph.

Kinda like Winston Churchill and Larry Mullen.

(And don't call him "Raygun" you pretentious Commies.)

[18 and I forgot to vote]

Who are the Beatles?

[Mourning dove]

Sheesh! I'm a DOVE, and I know who the Beatles are!

[Stalin Lives In Boston]

Spontaneous Human Explosion is a serious condition affecting 1 in 4 middle-eastern men between the ages of 15 and 55.

Sources high up in my Kerry-Moore prayer...err wish circle have informed me that there is a cure.

The cure to S.H.E. syndrome, apparently, is the unimportant scraps of parasitic growths in the wombs of women (formerly known as "children"). It's too bad Shrub banned putting good use to these parasitic scraps, otherwise we might have seen the end of S.H.E. syndrome in Arafat's lifetime.

The cure might even have prevented Arafat's untimely demise and he might've been able to fight the Jewish Scourge for just a little longer...

[Cricket]

Yeah. What Janny said. George Carlin also didn't have a funny accent. He had dried out by that time and was sentenced to community service hell by being a conductor on an imaginary railroad that only certain people could see. I think Ringofat ended up as one of the drummers in Shining Time's jukebox before his big entrance on the scene of S.H.E. research.