Lesson Learned: Americans are Dumb

One of the most important lessons learned from our loss this election is that we failed to connect with the retarded dittohead masses. I've thought about it long and hard, and have come to the conclusion that we progressives were simply too nice. Out of compassion for those inferior to them, liberal statesmen like Al Franken and Michael Moore held back and didn't sneer nearly enough at the American people as they should have, and we all paid for it on election day. 59 million jingoist biblethumping rednecks repaid our kindness by choosing a chimp who talks to an invisible diety over a war hero with four Purple Hearts.

Well, no more Mr. Nice Liberal. If our seething, drooling hatred for Bush, God, and America isn't enough to win these brainless sheep over to our pasture, then it's time to stop pulling punches. Progressive pundits are already on the ball and are diligently making up for lost sneering. However, it will take more than self-righteous screeching from the mountaintop to regain our rightful place as rulers over the brainwashed hordes. If we're ever going to win another election, if we're ever to earn forgiveness from France for our arrogance, we need to get out there in the red states where all the intolerant morons live and ridicule their silly religious beliefs. We need to really hammer it into their thick, prehistoric skulls that they're just too damn superstitious and stupid to be trusted with the future of this country.

Therefore, I suggest that we get a few really good days of self-pity and hopeless whining in, and then get back to work reminding the uneducated trogs how inferior they are. It's time to really get into their faces and shove it down their slack-jawed gullets that if they ever want to work again, ever want to eat again, ever want to walk again, ever want to see their sons and daughters alive again, they better damn well vote Democrat!

So today, I compiled a list of ten people I know who voted Republican and gave them each a call, in which I basically laid out the real heart of the progressive philosophy in simple terms they could understand.

"RACIST BIGOT GAY-BASHING FASCIST MORON!" I screamed into the phone after dialing my first number. "BIGOT FASCIST RIGHT-WING IDIOT HATEMONGER!!!!"

"Why are you screaming at me?" Grandma asked. "This state went to Kerry anyway."

"NO THANKS TO YOU, YOU INTOLERANT EVANGELICAL NAZI WHORE!" I shouted.

"Jeezus!" Grandma gasped.

"STOP FORCING YOUR RELIGION ON ME YOU NAZI BIGOT MORON!" I demanded, and hung up the phone. Jesus indeed!

The next eight calls were less cordial, and I received some very un-christianlike remarks from my targets before they rudely hung up. My, my, my! The hateful bile that comes out of the mouths of these "compassionate conservative" hypocrites!

Call number ten was out of town, but I left a convincing message on his machine. Tonight, I'm going over to spray paint "NAZI LIVES HERE" on his garage door. If that doesn't win his heart over to our side, nothing will.

Logic dictates that if four years of baseless accusations and ad hominem attacks won us 48% of the popular vote, then being twice as nasty will win us 96%. And if each of my readers were able to convince just one right-winger on their list to convert to our cause, it would mean 15 new votes for the democrats in 2006.

So go get 'em, take no prisoners, and feed those right-wing Christians to the liberal lions!

Comments

[The Babe]

First!

[chris]

oh liberal larry!

you are the best. keep up the good work.

i need the regular belly-laughs you provide.

:)

[Cassandra]

You know, as much as I hate to leave a serious comment here, I can't help myself.

I was furious before I read this.

Now I'm in tears -- from laughing.

Thanks.

You're my hero :)

[Rutherford]

We all must grow our of our earlier-established hangups(Liberal Larry, you care too much.) Please consider another person, who demonstrated vision that was nearly on par with yours. It's certain that Vladimir Lenin was, at one point in his life, unable to make that final conceptual leap ..... out of HIS idealistic phase. But finally, it most certainly occurred.

Good luck on dealing with your misconception(your hope?) that the bumpkins will come around.

[David]

Mercy. You need to come up for air. All that bile and hatred running around, you might give yourself ulcers.

Either that, or stop containing yourself. After those elementary rants, now you can really let go. Attack the dogs and cats of conservatives, or maybe next get to the kids and make them cry.

But do come up for air, or you will stangle yourself.

[Amber]

Wow. I hadn't even known about the Guardian's Clark County operation until following the Slate links but... BWA HAHAHAHAHHAH. AHAHAHAHA. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA. HA HA *wheeze*

[The Babe]

Well, I am on my inhaler after reading this.
Who will pay for it when it runs out? Kerry? TuhRayza?

[Cheney W. Halliburton]

Aw, nuts. Larry's figured out how to win the country back over to his way of thinking. If that team of mutant cyborg ninja assassins doesn't manage to take him out before he finishes his phone calls, we're toast.

[Teresa Heinz-AndGoSeek]

From the "no-sh!t, really?" file:

"Jane Smiley is the author of many novels and essays. She lives in California."

Knock me over with a feather.

[RJGatorEsq.]

A first-timer who came here from DU or Eschaton would have to wonder, "Is this satire? Or real?"

Because we can read the same stuff over there, but they actually MEAN it.

LOL.

________________

[Chief]

Get real. You wonder why you lost the election despite the overwhelming attempt of the media to sabotage the President. Your extremism and hatred does not represent America. Go back to the hippie commune that you were born in. Better yet, get a job.

[Cletus_1n3]

Freaking hilarious!

[Michael]

OMG, I'm crying I'm laughing so hard. Man that was good! Thats the funniest satire I've seen in years. 4 More Years of it!!!! Please!

[Michael]

Ah, lovely, lovely. As if I wasn't happy enough, I get to read this! Now I am both happy and doubled over laughing. I have seen every word and phrase a dozen times over on certain other sites with no hint of tongue in cheek. Hope Grandma puts you back in the will someday!

[Michael]

Ah, lovely, lovely. As if I wasn't happy enough, I get to read this! Now I am both happy and doubled over laughing. I have seen every word and phrase a dozen times over on certain other sites with no hint of tongue in cheek. Hope Grandma puts you back in the will someday!

[DrEvil]

Perfect. Keep it up. You have the right attitude...er...to never win another election. Sun Tzu profoundly states, "know thy enemy." As long as you continue to believe we conservatives are lounging on the redneck riviera drinkin' buds and wonderin' about whether Junior is gonna win the race, then we have you right where we want you. Good for you. I'm amazed I was even able to find your site on this confusin' internet(s). My garsh, who ever knew us public schooled folk who went to State U. could even use a 'puter

[Mycroft Holmes]

At least we jingoist biblethumping rednecks know that three, not four, comes after two.

[Rutherford]

I finally got around to reading Jane Smiley. It's sure a heckuva lot more fun laughing WITH you than laughing at Jane. She sure demonstrates that there's a tremendous amount of necessary work ahead for us all.

Thanks for finding a way to steer me to her piece.

[Mean poopy head conservative]

I really hate you liberal comie weirdo loving elitist b*st*rds. As soon as I put some medicated ointment on my knuckles, which are raw from dragging along the ground this week, I'm gonna punch someone different than me.

[BibleThumpingBigot]

Well, Larry, here's a message you and your buddies need to hear:

A Message To Liberals and Supporters of John "Crushed" Kerry

Just so you know, we are still laughing at you. We are still taking joy in your anger, misery, heartache and tears. We are still mocking you, both in your face and behind your back. We think it's great that the very left-wing, socialist ideals you hold sacred and dear have been overwhelmingly repudiated. And we still think you are all losers who don't get it, and judging from your vitriol and hate over the last few days, you never will. That is all.

www.crushkerry.com

[Vishnu Troll Daddy Earth Goddess]

I have had my head on the ground for 18 hours now, listening to the pulse of GaiaEarthMother, and she is rumbling. She speaks into my sould, and I listen. Her message: men elected Bu$Hitler. It is the men who must pay. That's it. The Goddess has spoken. The gloves are off and the patchouli is on. I'm burning my last bra, which is made from hemp so it won't harm to environment and further escalate the global warming crisis initiated by Shrub's reckless failure to sign the Kyoto Protocols. The time has come for all unmales--and by unmales, I don't simply mean "women" but all who, as I have done, have eschewed the painful and divisive nature of gender to transcend the limitations of our physical bodies to enter a new realm of spiritual powerhealinggrowthenlightenment--to, where was I going with this? Oh yes, the time has come for all unmales to enter the circle of power to channel the positive energy of GaiaEarthMother so that we can all bask in the glow of Saviour Hillary Rodham (Clinton) when she slays the repugniKKKan Beast in 2008.

[Will Slaughter]

People-

This is obviously satire (and very good satire at that). "Lessons Learned" is the funniest thing about the election I have read all year. Brilliant!

[JannyMae]

Wow, Vishnu. I've got goosebumps...here, take this bong....

[Irate Savant]

I wholeheartedly agree.

Except for the part about earning forgiveness from France. I find the Frogs quite revolting, regardless of their quite-correct abhorrence for the Chimp.

[Cheney W. Halliburton]

But their legs can be quite tasty.