I Won't Live in a World Without Love

I drew myself a hot bath last night and breathed a long, deep sigh of relief. I normally don't bathe, but this was a special occasion, for John Kerry had come within suing distance in Ohio and all signs were pointing towards a complete landslide victory in France. What better way to celebrate Kerry's glorious accension to the White House than to soak in my own filth for a couple of hours?

But as the night wore on and I sat there, gazing at the portable TV perched precariously on the edge of the tub, I was slowly overcome with the creeping realization that Kerry was going down in flames. The network news was calling state after state for Bush, and he was up by more than 2,000,000 in the popular vote - proving once again that a majority of Americans are uneducated inbred morons who are too stupid to appreciate how much we liberals love them. By the time perky John Edward's came nancing onto the stage around 11, his soft brown tresses swaying in the cool Boston breeze, it was all over.

So alas, it looks like four more years of Shrub and his Halliburton masters.

Four more years of war. Four more years of innocent women and children burned alive by U.S. smart bombs designed solely for that purpose. Four more years of not being able to enjoy Paris in the summertime without being showered with spittle. Four more years of unchecked environmental destruction. Four more years of the wholesale shredding of the Bill of Rights, with Asscroft peeking at my library records and innocent Americans being dragged off to Gitmo in the dead of night. And four long years without the soft, dulcet tones of Tom Daschle to sooth our restless chakras.

Oh Tom...poor, Tom! Why have they forsaken you?

I slowly reached for the TV. One little tug. A bright flash of light, a brief moment of excruciating pain, the sweet scent of burning patchouli, and then everlasting peace. My suffering would be over, and I'd be a martyr for the cause; like Gandhi, Kurt Cobain, or that crazy Mexican dude who starved himself to death.

But then suddenly the faces of all those brave Americans who fought so hard to defeat Bush's fascist junta flashed before my eyes. Michael Moore. George Soros. Osama Bin Laden. Barbra Streisand. The cast of 21 Jump Street. And of course, YOU, my faithful readers. If I were gone, who would be left to speak out against the lies of the right-wing dominated media? Who would provide Goosesteppin' Dana with Quotes of the Day? Who would take the sunrise, sprinkle it with dew, cover it with chocolate and a miracle or two? No...to end my life now would be to leave you alone in the wilderness to battle the iron fist of right-wing hegemony all by yourselves.

So I must live on. I must continue to be a voice for the little guy - the average, blue collar slob out in Beverly Hills who can't afford prescription drugs for his quadraplegic gay lover since his job at the abortion clinic was outsourced to Pakistan. The crippled may never walk again while Bush is in the White House, nor will the blind hear or the deaf see. But hopefully, if I continue to speak the truth in a polite, rational manner, I will win the cold, blackened hearts of some retarded, gun-toting Biblethumpers and turn a few red states into blue by 2008.

But enough of all that. Now is not the time for divisive partisan politics. Now is the time for Bush and all winning Republican candidates to reach out across the aisle, abandon their conservative idealogy, and join with us on the left - or be crushed under our Birkenstocks like the racist, bigoted slugs they are.

Comments

[Cheney W. Halliburton]

All right, who forgot to shove the TV into Larry's tub when he wasn't looking?

C'mon somebody, fess up. It wasn't my job -- I was on my private SR-71 coming back from a secret meeting with bin Laden to pay him off for his perfectly timed video.

Jiminy Christmas, people! We can steal an election by individually brainwashing nearly 60 million voters, but we can't pull off a measly little deliberate accident?

You just can't get good help these days.

[JannyMae]

Funny stuff, Larry. The really scary thing is, I read Eric Alterman's column today, and it was very similar, and almost as funny! http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3449870/

[JannyMae]

Wow! I guess I ought to be grateful that Cheney only conked ME on the head. Watch your back, Larry, and your front, and...oh, never mind, you get my drift!

[Dana]

So kind of you to think of me in your hour of despair. ;)

[Norman]

Well, of course, the Republicans should cower and submit in the spirit of conciliation. It was only another election that was stolen. Not the lessons from the 2000 election.

[Eric Alteredstate]

Screw your self-pity, all of you! Today on the Neocon-Hebe-Zio-facist Michael Medved show I called in and gave him The Detailed Truth about how BusHitler has intentionally sabotaged the world economy & environment, poisoned world water supplies, committed genocide in Afghanistan and Iraq, and explained how Rove rigged the -04 elections. So then he says "So do you think Bush caused the eruption of Mt. Saint Helens and the Florida hurricanes?" and just as I was beginning to enlighten this palestinian-murdering, gay-baiting jew Zionist on the scientific proof of the connection between our Mother Earth and the evil crimes the Imperialist Bush perpetrates against humanity, he starts laughing nervously and hangs up on me. The conspiracy is even wider than we thought!!! Did any of you overhear my phone call?

[Moonchild]

I love few things in life: Gaia, Bikenstocks, my bootleg copy of the Dead at Montross, and that moment just before the munchies blow my high. I also love your daily wisdom Lar, and since I know you're not a homophobic, pus-filled Reichpug who needs to be gang-raped in a prison shower, I know that you're comfortable knowing that. I want you to put down the TV, my friend. We need you on this side of the cosmic divide.
Besides, I saw this movie once where this really angry chick crawls out of a TV, and she's looked as haggard and angry as my girlfriend after an Est meeting. So, eloctrocution aside, you need to look out for that too.

[Bad Commie]

I say chimp-hitler stole the election! I don't know how, but he did it anyway! Him got bannanas and shit eating grin. I smell halliburton.

[solar]

Check out my website for a map that will solve the problem.
Welcome to Canada, Kerry!

[aelfheld]

We all need something to love.

Right now I'm loving the fact that Lurch and the Breck Girl lost. Big time.

[Cicada]

The chimp pissed us off so much that we came out in swarms this summer to inform the fascists how angry the animal kingdom was about knuckle-walker. Crap, we'll just lay down for another 17 years - in bitterness.

[Cricket]

Cicada,
As a distance cousin of mine, I will chirp over you while you hibernate. It is the least I can do for family.

[Cicada]

A constant vigil of protest Cricket? Thank you but bring the lemons. Your voice is going to go raw trying to preach truth to American Repugs for the next 17 years while the shrubs impose their caliphate over this once great country.

[Vishnu Troll Daddy Earth Goddess]

Well Shrub may have technically won the election, but he has no mandate. He barely won a majority and we are still a highly divided nation thanks the repugniKKKan fearmongering and dirty rhetoric. We must heal this nation by welcoming repugs who reach across the aisle to us, welcome them into the progressive fold. Half the nation can't run this country without the other half, so that means they have to come to us.

[Cassandra]

Larry, don't forget the all-important fact that, although the Shrub may have won a larger percentage of the popular vote than any other president in modern history, there is a far more important statistic.

Our intrepid media, led by The BarbEhrian, have been constantly reminding us that due to the unprecedented voter turnout, we now have evidence that there are also a larger number of people who voted AGAINST the Shrub. (of course this is not to be outweighed by the also unprecedented number of people who voted for the nasty little bugger... err..nevermind...)

There's a LOTTA ANGER OUT THERE MAN. RIGHTEOUS ANGER.

[ed]

Lar- what a touching tail about you and the tv and the dirty water wallowing. I'm so glad you're still here and can string your sentences togather so as to give us the truth and... do you think, by the way, that if we piss on the shrub enough we can wither him away over the next four years?

Here's hoping, your (fairly) loyal reader, Ed

[Liberal Larry]

"Larry, don't forget the all-important fact that, although the Shrub may have won a larger percentage of the popular vote than any other president in modern history, there is a far more important statistic."

Indeed. The exit polls. The exit polls clearly showed that Kerry won, which means that Bush has no mandate after all. The American people have spoken, and they've chosen John Kerry as their leader.

[SpaceMonkey]

Larry, Better end it quick because I just received papers authorizing your 'liquidation' from Karl Rove. Sorry. Really.

[Kneave Riggall]

"Nancing"? "Quadraplegic gay lover"? Larry, you have outdone yourself!

Keep up the good work for . . .

Four more years!

[Calliope]

"What better way to celebrate Kerry's glorious accension to the White House than to soak in my own filth for a couple of hours?"

This one had me laughing out loud for several minutes Larry. Seriously, I needed it too. Thanks.

[JannyMae]

Calliope! Good to "see" you. Still praying....

[cooper]

My conservative Birkenstocks can crush your liberal Birkenstocks any day!

Get over your pitiful self! If Monsieur Kerry had won this race, we'd all get along. Goodness, a life filled with disappointment and hate is not a life.

[Mourning dove]

Hey, you cicadas and crickets better watch out! I'm on to you!

[Binkley]

Just stumbled upon this BEAUTIFUL site! Absolutely fantastic stuff Larry! OH...excuse me...my anxiety closet calls...

[The Babe]

A Mourning Dove who threatens the peace of the insect's hibernation in Gaia Earth. We can all feel the love, man.